SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please do not make any permanent decisions for 90 days.

It is still an emotionally charged situation.

You don’t want to say or do anything to jeopardize your future relationship. Because no matter what you still have to be parents to two beautiful children. And they deserve two happy able to get along parents.

Not two parents who are having issues but the kids get caught in the middle.

No matter what happens- put your kids first. They can survive either D or Reconciliation of the parents are trying their best to make the relationship work.

Best of luck. And I still stand by the post nup if you take her back.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:13 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

For the most part, everything that I know about this guy is from what my LIAR wife has told me and what I have read in the texts, which wasn't much other than he likes Thai food and my wife.

OMG!! Dan, you are the biggest frickin' rock star!!! I am so proud of you for not seeing her. I honestly thought you might have given into her pleas to come home, see you, etc. That would most certainly have moved into physical relations between the two of you and you do not need to start that until you have time to clear your head, get tested for STDs (just because there was nothing on the phone doesn't mean it didn't happen), and decide what it is you want.

The texts aren't as bad as you thought thank God but she still was deeply involved in an affair - both emotional and physical. Not everything was said in texts - imagine what they were saying to each other on the job when they were alone, and when they were "at lunch." The fact that French-boy sent her a picture of his spring roll says that she was interested. He didn't send that"just because." The speed with which she moved into an affair is stunning. I tend to think they might have had some contact via email or work phones prior to his arriving at her company. I mean 3 days is lightening speed to go from "Hi, my name is French-boy, what's your name?" to "I can do things for you that your husband won't." They had to have had some sort of build up to that. I'd keep digging.

LoL about your description of his "member." You have a good sense of humor. That will help you throughout all this.

Just my opinion but I wouldn't see your wife. Not until you have all the evidence you can gather on your own. Get your finances squared away and as someone else said, put your money somewhere she can't get access to it because even though you think she wouldn't, she will absolutely clean the account out as soon as she knows you're serious about separation/divorce. Her fear and frustration are going to turn to anger when you don't do as she wants and you'll see a side of her you never knew existed - well, in addition to the one as a cheater you just discovered. Your wife is a narcissist and they don't do well when they don't get their own way.

And I'd be double-checking that story about going to her supervisor's house to resign. That is interesting to say the least but my guess is she knew the shit was going to hit the fan at work and was trying to head it off. And she doesn't want to go in and be humiliated because obviously people know about what was going on and what happened at the party.

Stay strong, get some rest, and keep on being a rock star! You are so far ahead of where most of us where when we first found out. Focus on yourself and if you feel yourself "getting weak" and wanting to see her, just remember his hands all over her and most likely hers all over him as they made out. That will keep you focused to move forward to do what YOU want to do.

I didn't think about having her take a STD test.

Just added to her list of things to do.

If she was in scrubs then she is in the medical profession in some role. How in the world is she going to find another job if she is pulling supervisors into the story? He needs to be reported to HR. Your attorney will help you decide how to handle it but he has come in and in a matter of two weeks they have made a wreck of their jobs. I have a relative who is single and the man who wanted to date her was single but because of their jobs they had to get permission from HR. People don’t understand that the public or the private sectors do not like emotional messes in the workplace. This is a stinker.

The STD test is effective it really letting her know how much she broke the trust with you.

As for them already knowing each other...She would not have had a reason to have any contact with this guy before Monday the 3rd. I think he was training her the first day and it went from there.

I took the advice from some of you here and told her that I wanted the timeline to include what she was thinking and feeling at the time.

If it really is the case that they were complete strangers when he first arrived, then your wife really threw herself at him with some determination to make this happen so quickly. The 'why' of that is something that she needs to focus on in her timeline and IC, as well as the issue of whether she has been this way with other men in the past.

What was so special about this guy? Or if there was nothing special about him, was she just waiting for any halfway suitable man to be available?

It is possible that the OM is angry with your wife for not 'fixing' it so that you were not at the party, which might be another factor in his silence. Your wife clearly led him on, but on what may have been expected to be 'the big night' for them to take things to the next level after the party, he ended up fleeing the scene with no sex and bruising. He may feel like he has been played, not that any of us would have much sympathy for him on that score.

It smacks of a mid-life crisis to be so impetuous and reckless, and escalate things so quickly. If that is the case, and this really is just a one-off aberration, then your wife may be able to return to the marriage after IC and working on her issues (as long as you are willing to give her the opportunity).

As others have said, it would be best to wait 90 days (or longer) before making a big decision on this. Everything has happened at a hundred miles an hour so far, and you really need time to gather your thoughts and consider your options.

It may be a bit soon to have your wife back if you are in any danger of losing it and really venting at her. Your daughters should not see that, and as another member has said, it is best to not say a lot of things that may make a possible reconciliation harder. We can say some horrible stuff when anger takes over, and some things, once said, cannot be un-said.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:39 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

You are correct Robert. I've read it in more than one place, site and book that the first kiss is the hardest line to cross but once crossed it escalates quickly and easily.

I concur with jb3199's post a couple of pages back.

I had my WW book and take a full STD test. I wanted to see the results not for her to just tell me what they were. They did the full spectrum.

As I said previously, your daughters seem very well grounded. Hug them and love them and support each other. Don't put the burden or discourage them from taking on the burden to be your caretaker. I don't think you will let them based on the few entries in this thread. Just a caution. Be supportive of each other.

I wonder what the text message made from the bathroom when getting ready for the party indicated. As someone else said previously you don't know who this woman is now. It opens up details of the whole marriage. Everything is in question now. It is up to her to come completely open and honest. Use the poly as a requirement for as many times as required by you. You'll see when you hang around this club for very long that many get parking lot confessions when going to the poly. Still do it. It could simply be more TT to stop the poly. Still do it.

You are strong. Stronger than I was. Hold the course. There's things you need to know whether you R or D. They are your requirements. Don't compromise. Wishing you the best on this terrible journey.

I don't think you have to indulge in theories about prior contact. It sounds like they met and immediately clicked. He's single on assignment and on the prowl for a fling. He was casting innuendo and her replies signaled potential.

They wanted to get to know each other and the Thai food connection came up. At that point, your wife should have recognized that she was on shaky ground, turned off the charm, and declined the lunch invitation. Instead, she leaned into the attraction and ignited this affair. She immediately started trying to discourage you from going to the party. She's not 16;she knew full well what she was doing and had no illusions about how Friday night was supposed to end.

20 years of marriage thrown over because...?

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 4:34 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Can you share her 'to do' list? thanks

I wonder what the text message made from the bathroom when getting ready for the party indicated.

That would have been her current mindset. As well as the day before. Her trying to dissuade you from going or his prompting her to do it?

I bet most of us wish we had caught our cheaters this quickly! My wife would never have gotten to the point of driving hundreds of miles in horrible traffic, spending hundreds of dollars at the bar, or creating such a shit-storm of lies and deceit -- that I think we may have been able to work through it much more quickly. But she kept going thinking she would never get caught. Had you not followed through on your hunch, your wife may have found herself weaving a web too . . .

She should be thankful for your vigilance.

The weird thing is that she didn't text him a warning on Friday telling him that I was coming. She spoke to him on the way home from work in her car. From what I see in the records it looks like she sent very few texts from our house.

Dan - you should also get tested. The psychological impact on your WW is a helpful side effect but the most important thing is to protect everybody's health. And you still don't know when this started, how far it went, or whether it was the only one.

Yes, I should get tested too. Who knows if this guy was the first? Hell, I haven't even confirmed that he actually works there. His facebook page has no employer listed and no luck with google.

I wouldn't overlook the possibility that there was previous contact with the POS, Dan. It could have been through justifiable work conversations that escalated over time before he arrived on scene. It is a possibility. It's also a possibility that this isn't her first rodeo.

I would want to know when their first contact/communication took place and how. I would want to know if there were any others. Use the poly to confirm. Total honesty and transparency required. No drip, drip, drip. Come entirely clean in very short order, answer all questions without evasion. Even if she does everything right doesn't mean R is possible. That is up to you. If adultery is a definite dealbreaker then D it is. Some have R'd from very bad and lengthy situations. Some have D'd over EAs without the cheater ever meeting with the AP. There's no right or wrong. What is right for you, Dan, is what matters.

Please get a VAR if you haven't done so to carry with you for your own protection.

I still think SHE dodged a bullet. From what you've learned from the texts, he marked her as a target from day 1, and she was responsible for not having any boundaries which made her very groomable for him.

His rage at you tells me this would have turned to rage on her after he had "owned" her; she would then become a sub-human piece of property while he groomed the next woman. I'm guessing if you turn a PI loose on him, you'll see a string of damaged women.

You can't groom a 45 year old woman and she didn't dodge a bullet. She had no right to be open to any of his advances in the first place.

Was there any text traffic over the prior weekend?

I know your emotions and head are racing and your exhausted.

Are there any specific questions or issues you'd like out opinion/advice on?????