SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Look, there is no doubt the guy is an absolute douche. He's a piece of shit without a doubt. But, please let's not make him out to be some kind of stalker, crazy guy, extremely aggressive, overpowering Casanova. He might have been charming, the accent intoxicating, and pushed the right buttons, but she did exactly what she wanted to do - he didn't force her, coerce her, or anything else.

"She then admitted that she told him about her new dress and that he requested that she not wear panties to the party. She said that she probably would not have worn them"

This must have been hard for you to hear from her. But it was important to get this out of her. Yes the dress she bought was for him and I believe if you had not stood your ground about going to the company xmas party, she would have gone without panties, inevitably sexual intercourse would have happened. You were fortunate to have blocked this by attending even thought she attempted to dissuade you. This shows you exactly where her mind was and about what and with whom.

Hello Dan,

I am not sure if I missed the answer to my question in your previous posts but; are you divorcing or considering reconciliation?

I ask because I can't seem to tell on way or the other. I see you have asked her for specific things she has to do but you didn't say that they were conditions to reconcile. You have also started looking for attorneys and have been very firm in her not going back home. Now I know that seeking an attorney and even filing doesn't mean that divorce will happen (people changer their minds). That being said, in your last posts you seem very concerned about knowing where she is all the time and even commented that while at your work it you were constantly looking up where she was to know if she made attempts to go see AP.

If you plan to divorce, what does it matter where she's at? Why torture yourself? Unless you feel you need that one last piece of "evidence" to cement the idea of calling it quits.

[This message edited by whoknows at 12:23 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

You know, the more stories I read the more I come to think that a lot of waywards get into affairs due to boredom; not so much boredom with their spouse or the marriage, but just bored with the routine of life in general.

OP I don' think your WW was dissatisfied with you or the marriage. I think she just caught this OM's eye, there was some chemistry, and she enjoyed the attention he was giving her. He was new and different. But like most waywards, she probably never planned for it to go as far as it did when she started flirting with him.

That is what makes adultery so insidious. It is like a pitcher plant: the person has fun dancing on the edge, but then, before they are aware, they lose their footing and get swept down into the pit. Once they are in it is hard to get back out. I'm not saying this is the way it goes for all waywards, but maybe that is what happened here.

Right away I noticed this French Canadian guy Robert who I have heard my wife mention

How did you deduced the identity/name of the OM as you’ve never met none of her coworkers?

I am not sure if I missed the answer to my question in your previous posts but; are you divorcing or considering reconciliation?

At this point and after reading so many of the other stories here on SI, I am going to wait and see if there is contact between the two of them and see if she shows true remorse.

It seems like so many guys on here catch their WW and then think that the A is over, when in reality the WW is in way too deep to stop her behavior. If she makes any contact with "Pepe Le Puny"" it will be over for me.

Yes, she did agree to a poly. Should I go through with it?

I think that establishing some baseline truth will be key to your moving on from this. THe trust is shattered and without trust anything she tells you right now you can't nor shouldn't be believed.

I get that you are only weeks out. Do you have anyone other than your daughters or BIL to talk to IRL ? This shit messes with you in ways that nothing else can or will.

Another book I think your W should pick up and read is "how to help your spouse heal from an affair." By Linda Macdonald. It is a light read and helps her come to terms that she did have an A. It also gives her a road map that she will follow if she really wants to help you heal.

You know that she had an A. We all know that she did. Her words are telling, "got too close to a co-worker," is a lot better sounding that, "I had an A." She needs to be honest with herself before you can hope to get any honest answers from her.

Right now I think the separation is serving it's purpose. She will get tired of the "compliance" she is exhibiting right now. She knows she did bad, but doesn't understand the damage she has done to not you, but her family. She is trying to minimize the damage, hoping you all will agree with her. 100% normal for a new WS BTW. It will take her time to see that this will not "blow over." She is banking on that right now.

FWIW - I do not think remorse has shown itself yet. Regret for her choices ? Sure. Remorse ? No. Compliance and damage control can look a lot like remorse, but most WS take longer to get to remorse.

Until the "compliance" or desperation around "not losing her life," wanes only then will you know if this is salvageable or not. You have yet to see how she really sees this.

Look I am happily reconciled after 7 years and I know it is possible, even a good idea to fix a M versus starting over.

Right now the crisis is upon you. Do not make any permanent decisions while the crisis is fresh.

If you do decide to let her move home, then set some boundaries which include full transparency among other things. This is not a "punishment," it is about you protecting yourself from letting her hurt you again.

This is trauma. No two ways about that. It is one of the most painful things that will occur in your life. It requires attention or it will continue to fester underneath the surface.

I highly, highly suggest finding an IC of your own. If nothing else it will help you organize your thoughts. Nothing else you can do right now will provide you more of what you want in the long run. Nothing.

This is a marathon and not a sprint. These things take time. You take little steps and sit with them for awhile to see how they feel. Little by little you move very slowly toward the ultimate goal of being free from infidelity. The anger is keeping you functional, but it usually burns itself or you out. Anger is a secondary emotion and while it has it's purpose cannot sustain you forever.

Make no sudden knee jerk reactions right now. You've got time.

Another thing. As much as this feels as it is all about you right now this likely had very little to do with you and what you did or didn't do. It is most certainly all about your wife and her character deficits. They were always there. She just stopped trying to hide them. There was nothing special about spring roll guy. If it was not him, it would have been someone else. It is about your W and her brokenness period.

Breathe. Talk a step back and gain some distance from everything. Processing takes time. Detach from her and get right with yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin again. Do things for you. In short, be kind to yourself during this terrible time.

You do what you need to get by right now. It is not called "tolerating infidelity," it is "surviving infidelity." Survival mode won't or shouldn't last forever.

This is too new and raw for me to talk about next steps. Right now take care of yourself. Look into IC and ask your wife to read How to help your spouse . .. by Linda Mcdonald.

Keep posting and educating yourself about infidelity. You are going to obsess anyway, why not learn something along the way : )

I walked this path and you have my utmost empathy for what you are going through right now. You will be free from this one day. Your M might not survive, but you will. What that looks like is up to you. Any path you choose will be the right one.

If she makes any contact with "Pepe Le Puny"" it will be over for me.

Have you told her that ? I know it sounds like a given, but let's be real. Dealing with a WS immediately after Dday is not the same as dealing with someone less damaged.

You start drawing boundaries and communicate them. It sets the tone for whatever follows later.

Looks like she has made several texts between her and two co-workers today and one 17 min call to "Kelli".

Hey Dan, my condolescence for everything up untill now. Let me preface this by pointing out this is just my own view.

No matter what, this doesn't look good for your wife. Let's say she never before did anything like this. Then within three days she was willing to become his sub, do as he told her and take orders from him.

Being married to you, yet having him order her around and take "posession" of her DOES VERY MUCH INVOLVE YOU. You'd be an accessory to their fantasies and fun in some of the most disgusting and humiliating ways. This still applies even if she's a serial cheater.

Also I might be the only one but I'm not buying the shopping trip.

Your wife told her brother she'd be at his place. Waited for him and his wife to leave. Then went out on her own without telling anyone. She also conveniently left the phone so her route couldn't be tracked. Just because she got a receipt later on, doesn't mean she didn't visit a bunch of other places before returning.

This is at a time when she should be incredible transparent and upstanding.

The horrible part of this you wont know if she is trying to pass something on to the OM when calling those people. Did you ever tell her company about him and what he did. Some companies really frown on that.

Dan,

For the sake of transparency, I would ask her if she had any correspondences with anyone from your job or anyone else that isn’t family.

Then within three days she was willing to become his sub, do as he told her and take orders from him.

Not quite sure that i'm buying that she became is "sub". He did ask her to not wear panties but i am not sure if that makes him some kind of "dom" or just a guy trying to get some ass.

Kelli knows what happened. Have you looked at the text history with Kelli?

BTW: Getting ZERO work done today.

She needs to take the phone everywhere so that you can track her and she needs to call "Kelli" with you on speaker so you can make sure she is telling the truth. Access to all electronics at all times. Anything other than this is not acceptable. Has she seen an IC yet? This is an important piece of recovery from an affair, but it must be consistent and long term. Her ACTIONS, not her words, will tell you if she is truly remorseful.

Have you looked at the text history with Kelli?

I looked yesterday after the text but couldn't find where she had sent anything in the past.

BTW: Getting ZERO work done today.

I almost got fired in the weeks following my Dday, though unfortunately I did not find SI until months after.

Keep up the good work and stay strong.

BTW, you might want to keep an eye on your private messages too.

I know you may be overwhelmed with advice but you need honesty from her and if based on the "pantyless" request, it's clear she was going to have sex with OM during/after the party or at some point shortly after, has she at least admitted to this ? if she denies this OBVIOUS outcome, that means she's still minimizing and is NOT being truthful to herself much less to you, it will take intense IC to fix her.

Also read my previous comment, if after just a couple of days she was already making out with OM and allowed him to feel/massage her vagina, why would OM wait until the party more than a week later when she was available every day and was already cheating and making out, plus OM had accomodations and plenty of opportunity for a few "lunch quickies".

Did you try calling "Kelli"? If you can and its a he, well then, you have your answer. If you call and it's a she, she's been talking with your wife and I'm sure that she'll feel comfortable taking your call. You can explain that you are just trying to get your trust back and wanted to make sure that the contact was legitimate.