SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fender, I think if you check out those links I referenced they may help clarify some things for you.

If we take what your WW says about her A at face value, one way of looking at it is that, although what she thinks attracted her to the POSOM was the shared interest, perhaps what really attracted her was that he was interested, at all.

What you'll see in those links is that one common aspect of a sex deprived marriage is that the husband who is deprived of sex eventually detaches emotionally. The low sex drive wife does not understand this because, to her, sex is a trifle. Almost worthless. Why would anybody care?

But she does feel your distance and detachment. So when along comes a man who is jazzed about her as a person, something she probably felt with you at some point but hasn't in a long time, she was like a moth to the flame.

My sense is that to make things work with your WW you need to feel desired by her. You need her to invest energy into making you feel like a sexual man. My gut is that you have not felt that way for a long time, but the A galvanized that feeling. If she does, in turn, it's likely your interest in her will return.

If she cannot or will not grok the importance of sex to you and step up the sexual game, you're left with a difficult choice. Many men in sex-deprived marriages continue to coast along in them until death. After all, sex is important, but it's not the only important thing and in the balance life may generally be good. You can't always get what you want but if you try you'll get what you need and all that.

In your case, there is the added trauma of the A. Sex is elevated in importance because the one thing you're deprived of and wish for is something she chose to share with another man. Sticks in your craw.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:25 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]

Be careful with MC. If you get a good one great but from what I've seen that's maybe a 50/50.

Rugsweep and move on seems to be a lot of their methods.

Do not take any blame for her affair. You know enough from reading here. You get the uneasy feeling cut them off. It's your $'s.

Quit internalizing. You wife isn't a mind reader.

I must say, she wasn't always this way with sex. Our sex life was great for about 7 years, from the time we started dating right up until the birth of our 2nd child. Then her sex drive tanked. She seemed to bounce back right after our first was born, and we couldn't wait until the doctor gave her the OK to have sex. 2nd child was born in 2013. Suddenly, there's 2 young kids to take care of, and we virtually had no help, outside of my parents who were happy to watch the kids for a few hours, but never overnight. She was a SAHM, and I worked a lot. I also started to suffer from anxiety during this time, which couldn't have made me easy to live with. I got help and got it under control.

I admit, I wasn't perfect. After we had our 2nd, our marriage just kind of took a back seat. Life was so damn busy. Sex became "if you wanna do it, let's do it now, I'm going to sleep immediately after". Perhaps BFTG is right. I wasn't getting as much sex, which is quite obviously my Love Language. I probably began detaching before the affair started, and then just doubled down after finding out about it.

I am not taking any blame for her A. I do take blame for allowing our marriage to become what it became. I remember our anniversary in the summer of 2016. That was a very stressful summer. My work had slowed down, and I basically didn't make as much money that year as I usually do. She ended up having to take a part time job. We found time to go out for our anniversary. Date night, babysitters, etc. We ended up fighting the whole time. And I mean, BIG TIME FIGHTING!!! (no abuse). That was probably the low point for our marriage (and that includes DDay). A month after that she met AP, as they both had kids in the same kindergarten class. I agree that it's not a coincidence. Now that I look back at that time, our marriage is much better now.

I suppose you're right. She's not a mind reader. Perhaps I was just hoping that she would just magically help me heal from this. That, or hoping I'd just get over it.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 12:31 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]

I hear what you're saying. She was able to make time for her other man though. So it doesn't wash.

You need what you need.

Communication is key. It's ok to tell her what you think want.

You were in the same marriage and didn't cheat dId you?

[This message edited by Marz at 12:26 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]

FG, I am so glad you actually talked about things and might try MC. I, like others, hated to hear you were made to feel like this was not someplace you should be. No one has the right to dictate how a BS can heal, how long it takes, etc.

It means so much more to us (the BS) than it ever did to them (the WS). That's one of the things that I think really bugs us, deep down, about affairs. It hurts someone (or lots of people, both BS's, families, friends, etc) SO badly for such little "increase" in joy.

This.

When a WS pulls the "it was nothing special" line out of their ass, it infuriates me. Who cares if it was "special" or not? The fact that it happened AT ALL is what matters. Will it hurt any less to know a WS risked everything for something that meant nothing? No, it won't.

Fenderguy, I can understand you second guessing her bringing home a sentimental card as possible love bombing. I side eye EVERYTHING after DDay. Any good or nice action is suspect to me. It is what it is. A natural residual effect of being betrayed and your reality turned on its head. As someone who was deceived for years, I trust nothing and probably never will again.

I'm glad this led to a heart to heart talk between you two. She really needs to understand what she's done and how it effected you. As for you not being able to see into a future that includes her, that could be very telling.

This takes 2-5 years at least...or longer...if you want to read, you are welcome to read what ever it takes to help you heal...

There is no other truth...her anger is hers to own...she triggered herself...she has convinced herself you have gotten over it...nobody gets over it....there is a reality for her...

You don't have to hide...you don't have to make excuses...you can read...period..

Many old timers, much older then you still return...there is much to learn...and most of the first two years, its not really even soaking in because of the shock...you don't have to explain what is working for you, to get thru her A...

She should be glad its working...she doesn't get to decide how long you can read...or how long it takes to heal...

I stayed on SI for a very long time....Im still here....My marriage changed from A, to alcoholism, to illness, to NPD, to D...I was no way done in 2 years...is your situation continuing to change as you learn more? You figure out more...SI is great for clearing the rose colored glasses...

You don't have to explain to her...

If your WW has any brains at all she'll read SI

Never apologize for doing what you need to do to help you deal with the trauma she caused. If she doesn’t like it, remind her she caused it.

Let her know that you being here is helping you r and move forward not hindering it.

And it was her fault. All of it. She needs to take 100% responsibility for what she did to you. She will always be to blame for it even if you are in r.

My wh worries about me being here. He thought that I was so weak that you guys could tell me what to do and I would just blindly do it. I had to explain to him that no one-and j mean I one can make me do something I don’t want to do. No one can persuade me into doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t manipulate easily. I’ve lived with this man for over 31 years and he thinks I am easily swayed.

Discuss it with her. Make her understand the importance of this site to you. Don’t lie. If she doesn’t understand, she is definitely not remorseful.

How dare she? You’re trying to heal. You’re trying to reconcile. Maybe an appropriate response would be to tell her without SI I’ll divorce your lying ass! With it, I may stay.

It was a conversation that needed to take place a year ago.

I'm sure that it should have, but at least you had it now. It is something to build off of, if that is what you wish for.

She wants to go back to MC, and I suppose that's a good idea. This morning she ran to the grocery, and when she came home there was a card she bought for me with a long, heartfelt message written in it. The thing that kills me about it... the first place my mind went was "is she love-bombing me to distract me from something else?" I still have literally zero trust.

Again, this is so important to communicate to her...it's almost like you have the ability to start knocking down that defensive wall that is built sky-high.

DIFM is on point with this:

Has your story really run its course? Feeling you had to apologies for finding aids to help you heal from her cheating and lack of empathy makes me think it hasn't fully run its course, yet.

I know it is a lot of work and I know how sometimes it feels like giving in is just easier than standing up. But you might want to consider reclaiming your dignity and strength and tell her you have no intention of leaving the place that supports your healing until you decide you are ready...not when she says you are.

Apologizing reinforced everything you want to completely not reinforce.

.

Coming from a WS. Fuck that shit. No, there will never be equal grounds and a WS remorseful spouse is fine with that as long as there is no abuse involved. I am fine that I will never be on equal grounds. I am the one that cheated. Not my wife. WTF should I ever be the equal to her? It isn't like she lords that over me either. It is just the way I feel and part of owning who I was at one point of my life and I am at peace with that. Humbled. Your wife should be too. Doesn't sound like she has made peace with being the bad guys at that chapter in her life. You didn't tell her she is the bad guy, but that is the first thought that jumped into her mouth so that is something she feels. She needs to reconcile that part. Otherwise, she will never truly heal and she hasn't because here you are hiding this place from her. If she had, you could discuss this shit and share it openly like we do. Sorry man.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 10:53 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]

BTW at some point early on in my wife posting here I didn't want her to post either. I wanted her to rugsweep. It was for selfish reasons because I didn't want to deal with the crap. It had nothing to do with bringing her down. It had to do with what her bringing down brought to me. Bringing me down. Selfish reasons. Repercussions/punishment reasoning. Get it? A truly remorseful spouse wouldn't be brought down in that selfish way. They would be affected by their spouses pain, but it wouldn't incapacitate them and make them defensive. It would increase their actions to bring their spouse peace.

I do not know about where you guys are at regarding reconciliation and I can certainly appreciate your frustrations regarding the sexual issues associated with infidelity.

I really do not understand her objection about you being on SI. It is not like we are arranging a party and play gathering.

But, with this as a back drop, I wish to express my appreciation for you contributing to the healing of others and making the world a better place.

It is of immense importance when struggling through the mire of infidelity to catch a glimmer of hope. Your contribution makes this possible.

I hope we in return are of assistance in your healing and growth.

Thank you for your participation and assistance.

What is she so afraid of? If she had a clue as to what you are going through, she would be asking why are you still visiting, what are you needing, expressing concern, and asking how she can help. Instead she was mad? She should be concerned about your well being, not mad.

We found time to go out for our anniversary. Date night, babysitters, etc. We ended up fighting the whole time. And I mean, BIG TIME FIGHTING!!! (no abuse). That was probably the low point for our marriage (and that includes DDay). A month after that she met AP, as they both had kids in the same kindergarten class.

Whenever I hear this "our marriage was going downhill, and then I had my A" I always wonder if this is gaslighting the timeline and re-writing marital history, so that the A came after the anniversary and not vice-versa.

Were you able to get any reliable evidence about the start of the A?

My XWH picked a fight with me on my birthday, and again a month later during the holidays, and then I discovered the A. And of course he swore up and down that being in the middle of a full blown A was not the reason he was being abusive, it was something wrong with ME that made our M intolerable to him. The truth came out a year later.

Through my rudimentary sleuthing, I was able to determine that she did not meet AP until late August/early September 2016. EA began sometime in mid September. Their first sex was sometime around October 20, and DDAY was November 27. She said it was 7-8 times, and by combing through their texts she was able to confirm that for the most part. So basically, I don’t believe she met this guy until the school year had started, about a month after our anniversary. I don’t think she was cheating at the time of our big anniversary fight:

Through my rudimentary sleuthing, I was able to determine that she did not meet AP until late August/early September 2016. EA began sometime in mid September. Their first sex was sometime around October 20, and DDAY was November 27. She said it was 7-8 times, and by combing through their texts she was able to confirm that for the most part. So basically, I don’t believe she met this guy until the school year had started, about a month after our anniversary. I don’t think she was cheating at the time of our big anniversary fight:

Your anniversary fight bears the hallmarks of a classic type of well-documented marital wedge that occurs when the wife's desire for and energy investment into sex diminishes. This is a particularly bitter situation for a faithful husband. He feels devalued as a sexual man. Emasculated. Frustrated. Shamed. These feelings build to a resentment and anger that is a complete libido-killer in him. It makes it difficult for him to initiate or ask for sex. It makes him withdraw from her. In turn, a wife does not have sex with a frustrated, angry, withdrawn, low-confidence husband.

Did you have a role in this cycle? Yes, you did. But you did not initiate this cycle. What initiated it was her decision to not invest energy into you as a sexual man. This would have probably been exacerbated with the business downturn in 2016, because a man's self-worth is often in part linked to his feelings of success as a provider.

So she was missing an upbeat, attentive man, and you were missing a wife who would treat her husband like a sexual man. Instead of looking at her role in the problem and trying to fix it, she went outside the marriage to get the attention you wanted, leaving you floundering as a sexual man. Put aside the sex she had with the AP. Even if it was just an EA with the AP, your problem remains exactly the same.

It does not sound like she has empathy for or understanding of your needs as a sexual man. That is the root of your problem.