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You see it on SI a lot, and today a friend of mine said it and it got me thinking on the eating a shit sandwich analogy. It’s never sat well with me and I think I know why- it lacks the choice.

When presented with a shit sandwich you have a choice:

1: eat it,

2: throw it in the presenters face or

3: use it for fertilizer.

1: Eating it to me means you bury it, rugsweep, stuff down the pain and try to digest it all on your own

2: Throwing it back to me means you purposefully punish the presenter(s) of said sandwich trying to even the score

3: Fertilizer for growth to me means regardless of whether you leave or stay, you work to process your feelings in healthy ways, grow and change from the trauma.

People can bounce around these categories (I did) but it’s all about framing and choice. Ultimately the question to ask yourself is: what do I want my life to be about: eating shit, constantly focusing on other people or improving myself?

I finally settled on door #3 and it looks permanent. I'm a happier human for it. Time spent healing yourself is always time well spent. Take care of yourselves.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 5:11 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Very very true! I have also spent my time at number 3 after much needed IC and reading. I continue to work on creating a healthier me in aspects of my life where i've let myself down. It's an amazing feeling when you finally focus on you.

A quote i always really loved was "The real betrayal is forgetting yourself."

That couldn't have been more true for me as i always placed myself on the back burner to caretake others. I finally broke my codependencies and began to look out for me. It's so freeing!

Probably one of the most positive things to take away from such a shit show of a situation!

I’m not so keen on the analogy.

So many see it as something that the betrayed is forced to “eat” regardless of reconciliation or divorce.

I don’t see it that way.

The way I see it, my XWW took her own shit and created said shit sandwich.

Then put it on a table assuming I was going to eat it.

I simply pushed it back towards her and said “no thanks” via a divorce filing and a quickly followed divorce finalization.

Her shit sandwich remains with her.

I don’t have to eat or deal with any of her shit in any form anymore.

I do appreciate what I think is the gist of your post, SB - which is basically that whatever our circumstance, we still chose how we are going to let it shape us. Grow bitter or grow better.

But it does hit on something in my own personal experience that I couldn’t see or grasp until I had a larger perspective. At the risk of sounding dismissive (not my intention) I do feel compelled to point it out. I hope it conveys as such without being a distraction from the greater message. 😊

I think - almost like keptmyword pointed out...the option 1 vs 2 is something we all have to decide, independent of option 3. Really, I think we all eat the shit sandwich just by having our lives destroyed. Sometimes it’s more a matter of how many shit sandwiches we are going to eat...a much more conscious awareness after we learn of our WSs betrayals. It’s hard to know when they’re going to be served (hopefully never again)...and sometimes we are just trying to eat whichever shit sandwich is more palpable (R or D...keep trying or face different kinds of losses/shit). That’s just part of the process.

But to my point...I picked a potential of known shit sandwiches (R) AND working on myself for many years. I didn’t necessarily lose by doing that...I can’t emphatically say I am worse off or made the wrong decision. What I can say is that (and where I take issue) is that by focusing on the notion of working on myself, I also was able to almost “romanticize” the notion of continuing to eat shit sandwiches. I could hide out from the reality of my marriage and what my WS was really doing, not actually face the fears that were holding me back, by the idea that this whole R thing was serving as a catalyst for my own growth. That was my own personal slippery slope.

I’d encourage anyone attempting R from a “working on self” perceptive to really do some inner exploration to ensure that your “growth” is not really just avoidance of facing fears (and subsequently, genuine growth). It’s an easy place to fall into self delusion.

Really, I think we all eat the shit sandwich just by having our lives destroyed.

Exactly. The way I always interpret it is that the moment a wayward cheats, the BS is already eating the shit sandwich. On DDay, the sandwich flavor is revealed, and it's disgusting and life-altering. Too late to push it back to WS in disgust. BS has already eaten it. Vomiting and severe illness and emotional trauma result once BS realizes what they have eaten.

I didn’t elect to EAT a shit sandwich. I think that’s strugglebus’ point. I didn’t say “hm! let me try that!”. I didn’t throw a bib on, chow down, and say “now for dessert”.

I get what the original intent of the shit sandwich analogy is. We got served something totally unpalatable. But there is choice in whether you eat it, throw it away, or use it for fertilizer. And I’d rather empower us all than turn us into passive, literal shit eaters.

Thanks strugglebus for reminding us of our power and our choice.

[This message edited by gtflng at 9:06 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Respectfully, gtflng....that’s just it and very close to making my very point.

Are you telling me that you are totally unaffected by your WS’s choices? That just because you didn’t consciously choose this shit sandwich, it therefore doesn’t now affect you? You can chose to just not eat (accept) it? Is the only other option to be “passive, literal shit eaters”?

This was the foundation for all my (and I AM speaking personally) “fertilizer”. Without realizing it, I was so focused on using this experience for empowerment that I didn’t see that I was trying to bypass a lot of the pain and the facing of fears that genuine growth requires.

It doesn’t mean that shit can’t be fertilizer. I’m just pointing out that “personal growth” can also be used as a protective illusion from facing the challenges of real growth. FWIW - and again speaking from a personal perspective - the more I I had to call it personal growth, the more I had to make it as a choice, the further I was from the real thing. When I was instead just having to face the pain and fears (and that was forced on me...I didn’t get to chose that since he made the choice to leave) - that was when I actually experienced the greatest growth. It wasn’t that I D. instead of R....it was that I really had to face the challenges - where I had prior just thought I was facing them. If you have to seek/choose empowerment then I would suggest that what you get as the end result may not really be empowerment.

Where on earth did I say I wasn’t affected by it? Acceptance is key. We all have to process the trauma. I simply don’t define acceptance as eating shit. I don’t like the analogy.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Analogies have their limitations, of course, but I don't think it's true that we all eat shit by virtue of having been cheated on. We all have someone close to us bring shit into our homes and our lives, yes. But they're the ones covered in shit, and now we see them for what they are. We can choose whether we just accept a shit-covered life, or whether we get ourselves dirty by trying to throw it back at them, or whether we say, "Well, that's unfortunate. Here are my boundaries. We can make a go of things if you clean this mess off of yourself and become a better person." (Or, we say, well, this isn't what I signed up for, I'm out.)

There can be both injustice and personal agency in the same scenario. It's not either/or. None of us asked or expected for shit to be brought into our lives. We're allowed to be angry about that. We didn't deserve that. At the same time, this is a good reminder to use that anger to fuel action that leads us toward wholeness and happiness. If our cheater is expecting us remain in an unhealthy relationship (i.e. eat shit) so they can escape the consequences of their choices, we can enforce boundaries and/or exit stage left.

Exactly. The way I always interpret it is that the moment a wayward cheats, the BS is already eating the shit sandwich. On DDay, the sandwich flavor is revealed, and it's disgusting and life-altering. Too late to push it back to WS in disgust. BS has already eaten it. Vomiting and severe illness and emotional trauma result once BS realizes what they have eaten.

I tend to interpret it like you as well. I didn't order the shit sandwich. I ordered a healthy filling flavorful meal. What is delivered to my table is a shit sandwich but I don't realize that until I've taken a few bites and been poisoned.

Where on earth did I say I wasn’t affected by it?

I didn’t mean to infer that you were saying that...I was genuinely asking. However in re-reading the paragraph in my response to you I can see where it might have come off as snark. That was not my intent at all.

It feels like being poisoned. I think there's more in that sandwich and some people need the ER.

if the original analogy works for you, that’s great. All of these are my thoughts and questions I asked myself. I’m on my third year and rarely on this site anymore, but when I think of something that might help others I share it.

The shit sandwich doesn’t work for me. My life wasn’t destroyed- it was altered. I was abused and hurt. I set my standards high and I let my h stay as long as he meets them or exceeds them. I don’t see that as shit eating. Excusing further abuse and not defending my boundaries definitely would be for me.

I have always had a choice. I still have choices in this. I am comfortable with my choices so far. Framing how I see this terrible chapter changed the game for me.

Working on yourself here means processing trauma in healthy ways. Healing yourself. Like thE old you heal you, they heal them and if R is the goal you heal the marriage together (if possible).

Stay or go, trauma has to be processed. Framing that necessity in the way that works best for us is what matters. Do what works for you. This works for me.

I really wish my sandwich was more palatable. I think the food poisoning I got from it made me more weary about eating anything my WS serves.

My life wasn’t destroyed- it was altered.

So true.

That said, not enough of us seem to make it to this level of understanding. I think too many people get stuck or pulled back.

I think I felt like I was destroyed early on. But, humans recover from horrific emotional trauma all the time. It just takes longer for some.

I set my standards high and I let my h stay as long as he meets them or exceeds them.

And the only way I could do R as well -- is reset the expectations -- with no problem of moving forward solo.

Hi Strugglebus - I have been wondering where you and IWMG's have been but I suspected both of you are to a better place of peace and that's why we don't see you guys as much. Glad to see I was right about you. As a WS, I have learned a lot from you and I really like the positivity and empowerment you bring when you come.

As someone who has experienced a tremendous amount of trauma and grief in my life, beyond just infidelity, I really like your analogy strugglebus!!

For most of my life I had chosen options #1 and #2. In 2015 I realized that those two options had not served me well in the past 40+ years of my life and if I ever wanted to get out of a victim mindset, well, I needed to approach things much differently than I had in the past.

I had to learn to feel and process every single emotion. I had to learn that I could survive sitting with all of those wretched feelings and with all of the discomfort they brought. And, it was in doing those things that I discovered my strength and resiliency. It was in doing those things that I found real growth and healing.

@truthsetmefree

the more I I had to call it personal growth, the more I had to make it as a choice, the further I was from the real thing. When I was instead just having to face the pain and fears (and that was forced on me...I didn’t get to chose that since he made the choice to leave) - that was when I actually experienced the greatest growth. 

Respectfully, for some of us, learning to sit with all of the pain and the fear and all of those other difficult emotions, that was the choice.

Instead of numbing with drugs, alcohol, and other addictive substances/behaviours, or trying to dissociate ourselves from our feelings, or engaging in spiritual by-passing or being all about being "positive", we knew that our personal growth - our healing - was only going to happen if we faced and felt every horrible emotion.

We had tried to run, and numb, and avoid and push things away for most of our lives, and by choosing to face and to feel, we were choosing real growth and healing for ourselves.

My life wasn’t destroyed- it was altered.

This!! ^^^

When I lived my life with a victim mindset, I would go on and on about how my life had been "destroyed". I behaved as though I had no agency - that I was powerless and helpless and had no choices in my own life. The more I viewed myself as a victim and wrapped myself up in that identity, the less I was able to see my strengths and the full spectrum of choices I could make about my life and my future.

My life has not been destroyed. I am living and breathing. I can go outside and see the beauty of nature. I can feel the air on my skin and the warmth of the sun on my face. I am able to spend time with family - listen to the stories of my elders and watch as my children and grandchildren learn, and play, and grow, and evolve. I am able to love and be loved.

My life has been altered, not just by infidelity, but by a significant amount of traumatic experiences and losses. I struggle to do much beyond getting out of bed some days (particularly since the death of my DD), but each day I get up and I keep trying. I know that I have choices. The choices may not be what I want, they may create more anxiety or pain or sadness for me, they may scare the shit out of me, they may even lead to temporary suffering for me - but, I still know I have choices. I am not a helpless victim.

Yeah, I never thought about it that way, but maybe I did, as I usually say "this is all part of the shit sandwich that BS's are forced to eat" or some such thing. Bleh.

In reality, I would choose to eat a real shit sandwich over this nightmare anyway.

OldWounds - yes exactly. I think that without raising my standards I would have been much less happy moving forward together. Lucky for my partner, he willing and ready to go the extra mile. It took time for me to see my life as altered not destroyed too. That's a result of framing and self work I suppose.

Hikingout - you guessed right. Things are pretty peaceful for the most part in my house and so it is hard to spend too much time in this space. I can't relate as much anymore. But I try to come back now and then when I think of something that might help.

OnlyTime - yes to literally all of the things you said. Sitting with the pain was a choice I needed to make. I have never thought of self work or empowerment as being positive all of the time.

For me self care includes but is not limited to:

daily meditation and yoga

journaling difficult feelings

attending therapy as needed

using non-violent communication to express my needs

protecting my boundaries

finding space enough to control my outward reactions

@ onlytime

The point I was trying to make goes a little beyond just “sitting with the pain”.

Sometimes we can become comfortable with pain...so much so that it transitions into suffering. Regarding that then as “self-growth” can translate our suffering into the much more palpable “martyrdom” - pain that has a higher purpose and thus much more tolerable. We are working toward the good of something higher....and can transmute not just pain but then also unnecessary pain (suffering).

I see a lot of that here. I also did a lot of that and didn’t recognize it - specifically because of the self-growth aspect that I was focused on. Which is also why I’ve commented several times on this thread. It’s not to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. Nor is it to argue any point of the original concept. It’s just to simply add - Hey, be aware of some of the pitfalls that can come with the idea of turning “lemons to lemonade”.

Why would anyone do this - turn pain to suffering? Why did *I* do this? First off, - as stated earlier - I didn’t recognize it as such. Now..I can see that it was more comfortable than facing the fear of what it would take to end that suffering. Sometimes pain is an indicator that we just need to move away from what is hurting us. That IS our needed self growth...to just hand the lemons back and say no thanks. But for me, facing the pain was much much easier than facing the fear. I had rather make a great lemonade than grow my own apple tree.

I guess it could be called self-growth either way and I believe we each travel a path that’s unique to how we will each best attain our highest self. So perhaps in that regards, my point is moot. I’d like to think I could have circumvented some of it if I had only recognized it - so that’s why I share this perspective now...in the hopes of helping someone else. At the same time, perhaps it was necessary....perhaps I had to work so hard on myself, to only be rejected yet again, to realize that I was working so hard on myself to save the marriage, to then realize that there was nothing ever really wrong with me. And it was in THAT realization that I actually obtained self-growth.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 1:33 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)]