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I am so sorry for your loss. Your parents would want you to stay strong.

(((((((Hugs)))))). So so sorry for your loss. What a difficult time in your life.

I lost my mom four years ago. It was like someone bore a hole in my heart. I still miss her - time lessens the pain and now can enjoy my memories of her.

So so sorry for your pain. My condolences.

I am just so sorry. There are no words to take your pain away. I am just so sorry ((()))

Very sorry for your loss.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Guess it’s a good think that I can move into some anger now...this is a vent of sorts.

People can be so freakin’ insensitive. People that supposedly loved my mother....and that should love me.

The immediate family is me and my two sons. We are the ones that were both closest and in the most grief. It’s our Christmases, and Mother’s Days, and birthdays that will be changed every year from here on out.

We struggled with the arrangements. They weren’t clear for a lot of reasons. What was clear is that my mom both told me and I know with every fiber of my being that she wanted me to do what was ever easiest for me. Without a doubt that was cremation...the boys and I were in the same page from the very beginning.

We are doing cremation. But I’ve tried to offset that by not doing it until after the service - to offset some of the other family’s discomfort. I’m trying to be considerate. However the boys and I have decided that we do NOT want an open casket service or visitation. I’ll allow the closest family members and friends that want to see her the opportunity at the beginning. The boys and I do not want to see her. Making this decision finally - that I am not a bad daughter because of this - has been the first relief I have felt about any part of the process. I know it is the right decision for me.

But if one more person tells me my mom “would never want to be cremated”....or that I have to see the body as part of the closure process, I am going to throat punch them. Like...I may seriously. These are folks that are telling me this AFTER the decisions have been made...which is basically like telling me I have made the wrong decision. I had conversations with my mom. My MOM. And I know what I need. Can’t you just say something supportive...or at least not say anything at all?? Don’t you know that there is NOTHING easy about this process...and that nothing really feels right??

WTH???

I'm so sorry you are hurting and having to deal with nosy bodies. Please know that your decisions are right, and that you do not have to second guess what your heart is telling you.

((TSMF))

Giant hugs to you! Don’t listen to others opinions. You know your mom....she knows your heart. She speaks to your soul. She knows these decisions are made by you in love....and that love knows no heavenly/earth bounds. You are honoring her the best way you know how. That is what matters!

(((truthsetmefree))) I am so sorry

It is amazing how insensitive people are when someone passes. State simply, "The funeral is according to her wishes, thank you for supporting me in honouring her wishes. ((((BIG HUG))))

We had a viewing, and wish I never had looked at my mom. I ran out and cried for a very long time, it didn't look like her. If I had a do over, I would do exactly what you are doing.

Honey, the funeral is for you and the boys. Do what is right for you.

For each insensitive complainer, I am sure there are 20 sensitive caring supporters of you and your family.

So sorry for your loss. Make sure you take care of you and your sons.

Thank you all for helping me through all of this. Every decision I am making is coming from a place of deep grief...and I don’t even know how we are going to do any justice to honor her life. I just keep telling myself to get through this part of it and that those closest to her can do something more personal and meaningful - more of a celebration - at a later date.

Tallgirl - I’m so sorry you had that experience. It’s exactly what I’m most afraid of. (Thank you for sharing to help me in my own clarity. Hugs!). Anything related to her body grieves me so deeply...it’s really the biggest piece I am struggling with. In my perspective, my mom’s no longer in that body. And it’s only in thinking about or dealing with this physical aspect that I feel the deepest confliction. It’s like everybody seems to be saying how important the body is - and all I can think is...but she’s not there! I just want to be able to get onto the business of connecting with her where she still is.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine dealing with that much loss in such a short time. Please keep reaching out. Hugs.

Sadly, there are people who will judge, or comment, or say and do hurtful things when it comes to death, funerals, and grieving.

BetterFuture13 and I have lost quite a few family members in the past few years, and have had to deal with similar kinds of things.

When BF13's mother passed away we had to deal with a couple people insinuating that we killed her - because we didn't force her to get chemo for her cancer. She had made it very clear, both verbally to us, as well as in her advanced directive, that she did not want to have any lifesaving measures - including chemo. She had seen loved ones suffer through the immediate, and after-effects, of chemotherapy and did not want to do it, especially after the doctors told her that there was at least an 80% chance her cancer would come back within a year and would not be treatable if it did. She was very clear on her wishes, but because they weren't expressed directly to the individuals who made the comments, we became the bad guys in their eyes.

At the end of the day we know we did the right thing by honouring her wishes.

If there is one thing that I've learned through all of our losses, it is that we all deal with death and grief differently.

You and your mother talked about this, you know what you need, so do what you know feels right for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

(((truthsetmefree)))

I just keep telling myself to get through this part of it and that those closest to her can do something more personal and meaningful - more of a celebration - at a later date.

This is what we did when FIL passed last year. We did a life celebration a couple months later. It gave MIL some time to do the hard deep grieving, and it was really wonderful to have all the family and friends come and share stories about him, and my H made a wonderful video of pictures and music that brought the entire room to tears, and made everyone laugh as well. To me this is so much more meaningful than a wake, and funeral.

He too wished to be cremated, and he didn't want MIL to spend one more dime than necessary. So that evening after the celebration the immediate family all got on his boat went for a sunset cruise and spread his ashes. It provided closure for all of us.

Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices. She is YOUR Mom not anyone else's. So Fuck em if they want to judge.

((((And Strength)))

Big hugs to you and your boys. Losing a parent is so hard. Screw what people think about your choices. It was you that lost the parent.

I know it is the right decision for me.

((((((((truthsetmefree))))))))) This is all that matters. This is for you and your sons. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's wonderful that you had that long phone call with her just before and that you had end of life talks as well. It doesn't mean it is any easier when the time comes, especially when we have to realize that we are now orphans.

It's hard for me to understand why others would feel they can tell you to do otherwise. I like the idea of saying you are doing this "according to her wishes". Because you actually are.

(((((((More hugs for you and your sons)))))))

It was a beautiful service, my friends.

If it possible could have been right, it was. I even found the strength to speak - and I wasn’t a complete mess either. I had tried to organize some of my thoughts prior, the ideas that I wanted to convey, but I spoke completely off the cuff and from my heart. She was with me and gave me the strength. When I sat down, I was filled with the shared love and I knew that she was proud.

The love and support you all have shown me this week has been so incredible. You all really held me and I will forever be grateful to each of you.

If you have a chance and so desire, listen to the song “Because You Loved Me” by Celine Dion. I used it to say the words I couldn’t say. We also played “Home” by Michael Buble. Perhaps not a typical “funeral song” but it also was so fitting.

Much love to all of you. ❤️ Now comes the hardest part...but I have a peace that I haven’t had this week.

One other thing.... it has rained here all week in mid- Tennessee. We are in moderate flooding stages throughout the mid-state with even more rain and storms (tornados!) expected today (which would have been the service date and burial if we had chosen different arrangements).

The rain has been so fitting throughout this week...felt it was symbolic of my tears. But it was also last night that it quietly came up with my sons how glad we all were that we were not trying to do a burial...it was an almost palpable confirmation that we had made the right choice.

I am so happy you were able to find a little bit of peace and comfort in your decision truthsetmefree, and that you felt her there with you and were able to sense her pride!

The songs you chose are absolutely beautiful!!

Stay safe through the bad weather.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

So sorry to read this. Mine will be gone 20 yrs next month.

Hardest thing in the world to lose your Mom.

((((tsmf))))

I'm so sorry for your painful loss. My deepest condolence to you.

((((tsmf))))