SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is probably a stupid question, but I want to ask it anyway.

What I have found is that exit affairs are a “rare breed.” What I take from that is that there is not much information available about how to deal with them differently than other types of affairs. I should note that I have found that the exit affair is meant to be a way for the WS to “easily” exit a marriage.

Anyhow, I am not looking for answers that say my question is stupid—I know it is.

Indulge me with real answers, if you can.

What I have found is that exit affairs are a “rare breed.” What I take from that is that there is not much information available about how to deal with them differently than other types of affairs. I should note that I have found that the exit affair is meant to be a way for the WS to “easily” exit a marriage.

I think when it comes to affairs, men tend to have more "cake eating" affairs, where they tend to not want to leave their wife/marriage, but what they want is just more easy sex with a readily available woman/en. Women, however, tend to have more "exit affairs," meaning that they're planning on leaving their M, and using the affair as a reason/excuse to do so, or basically setting up a plan b -- another man/relationship to jump right into.

These are generalizations, however, as there are plenty of people (unfortunately) on SI that have experienced the opposite -- serial cheating WW that don't want to divorce their BH and/or WH that set their AP/OW up and thrn just leave their BW with no warning.

I don't think there's necessarily anything easy about leaving a marriage -- there's paperwork, property to divvy up, lawyer fees, etc. Having an affair doesn't make any of that easier. If anything, it makes the whole situation much more hurtful/tense/acrimonious.

There's a common saying on SI, that you have to be prepared to lose your marriage to save it. Even if you think your WW is having an exit affair, the same saying holds, and that's because you can't control her. You can't make her come back to you. This is where infidelity advice almost sounds... hypocritical? That's not the right word, but I can't think of what I'm searching for right now... ironic? I digress.

There are things that you can do that make affairs easier to continue, and there are things you can do that make them more difficult, like exposure. Affairs tend to thrive in secrecy, and wither in the harsh light of day. It's easy for a WW to tell people that your relationship was over and she fell back in love with an old boyfriend. It's a lot harder to tell people that she cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend, because most people will agree that what she did is wrong, will judge her/them/their relationship, and will be wary of a cheater, because that means she's a liar and has questionable morals.

The only person you can control in this situation is yourself. You can tell your WW that you still love her, but that you will not share her with another man, and as such you're filing for divorce. Really, truly, honestly, that's all YOU can do.

She can either pull her head out of her ass and try to work on herself in IC and fix your M, or she can say, "k thnx bye," and keep seeing her AP. You can't make that choicr for her though. You can only choose if you're willing to wait around and keep infidelity in your life if you want to be plan b for maybe (likely, but not guaranteed) when their relationship implodes, or if you're going to move forward in your life and try to heal yourself. It sucks, because as much as you might still love your wife and want to remain married, there's literally nothing you can do to make her want to fight for your M.

Focus on you, your school work (you're in nursing school, close to graduating, right?), and just doing the best you can to heal. I know, it's easier said than done, but three people make a marriage explode. One isn't enough to fix it, you need TWO people who are all in, and it doesn't sound like your WW is interested in doing the work to repair your M right now, maybe not ever. Sorry h2w.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:22 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

If there is a chance it would be selected exposure to try and end the affair. It's your only weapon.

No chasing. This just makes you look weak and unnattractive.

You leave the door open but you must take yourself out of the equation. If you allow any cake eating it'll just prolong it.

Always look your best, clothing, haircut, etc. make yourself as attractive as possible.

Try and have a positive attitude. Being down and out won't help you much. You need the attraction factor.

Join a gym. Workout. It'll help.

The thing is she needs to see a strong and attractive guy. Her affair will probably trump everything upfront.

I'd move on. It's your best play. She would have to end her affair etc before you stand any chance at all. You can't make her do a thing. All you can do is control you.

I know several people who had exit affairs. They all married their AP and stayed with them. The ws all said there was nothing wrong with their exes it just wasn’t a good fit. That’s why I think people should live together before marriage.

Why are you looking for an answer to the question?

Are you looking to try and get back someone who betrayed you, so that you can get hurt again? Are you feeling that you want to wallow in hurt?

Look, there is nothing you can do to 'win' her back. If anything, she should be the one to 'win' you back! You did nothing to cause her to go back to her ex.

I have known a couple of women that had exit affairs. They stayed with the new man and didn’t cheat again, they truly were exit affairs.

If you think your wife isn’t in this category and you have a chance and really believe she is worth that second go, then my best advice would be ‘be your best self’. Go and heal, become stronger, mentally stronger. Be the healthy alternative to the a’hole she’s got back with. Read and understand, go to IC, create a life away from her, develop your friendships, exercise, be the best you can be, live by your core values and live authentically.

The simple fact is that even if it doesn’t ‘win’ her back, it’ll make you question whether you need to be trying.

I get it, I truly do, but you can’t control the outcome, you can only control you.

You need to do a full out nuclear exposure of WW and

her OM.

Ww here, just in disclosure.

Agree with the others: don’t make it easy on them. Expose the affair on both sides, and make sure your spouse gets an idea of what they will be losing and giving up. Meaning go to a lawyer and draw up your terms for divorce. Talk to them about what the kids and extended family will know.

It still may not work but it’s more effective than the pick me dance or trying to nice your way through it. The best way to break it is to pop the fantasy bubble. Otherwise your cheating spouse will take your kindness as weakness and acceptance and have an easier time transitioning out.

Throw cold water on everything. If they want to work it out then you give them your list of conditions they must meet for reconciliation.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:22 AM, February 21st (Thursday)]

As it is phrased, your question is about pursuing your WS. That is a fairly common response, but it is also one that many have learned doesn't work. Don't do the "Pick Me! Dance" -- begging, pleading, crying and/or trying to "nice" your WS back. It sets up a dynamic where your WS will see that you are willing to accept the disrespect and will end up encouraging yet more disrespect and lack of love.

Go take care of yourself and heal. Refuse to accept any level of disrespect from your WS and don't take any blame for their affair. If things with the AP start falling apart, don't jump at the chance to become Plan B. Your best shot at having a relationship with your WS is to become a healthy, strong you and refuse to accept anything less than a truly remorseful WS back.

One thing that turns off the CS is when the BS appears weak or needy or clingy.

If you are trying to be supportive and understanding the cheater views it as weak. Don’t ask me why - they just do.

I dealt with two Affairs, his second and last one being an almost exit Affair after 25 years of a good marriage. I was in better shape (though 20 years older) than the OW. She was a drama queen and needy and “woe is me” attitude. Strong of bad relationships (how shocking!).

We had false reconciliation and DDay2 I stood up and just lost my patience. The conversation went like this:

BS (me). I am divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I can no longer live with your infidelity. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose. I have nothing else to give to this marriage.

And I left the room.

And next day told him he had to leave.

Calm. Rational. Hard 180. No looking back. No discussion.

He knew he pushed me too far. I had my plan B in place and was executing. He begged for another chance. I declined.

Five years later today. We did Reconcile. We are happy. He did everything possible to move past the cheating and make amends. We have a very different marriage now. He is open and honest and is grateful for the chance to stay with me and kids.

But I now call the shots. I have the upper hand and I don’t casted to him. He is no longer number one. Nor is the marriage. In my life I am my priority. My happiness is my priority.

He knows I could walk out the door at any time because I have enough money in my own name to buy my own home and survive. I’m good with or without him.

Lesson learned. It should have been like that all along. Instead I put him first. I was a doormat. Not any longer.

Don’t be me. Assert yourself. Stand up for yourself. If she doesn’t want to communicate with you (as an example) - move on. If she doesn’t want to come and get her clothes (as an example) - give her 30 days or they will be in trash bags at the curb.

Stop letting HER dictate to you the way things will work.

Change bank accounts. Stop paying her bills or credit cards.

The point is to appear as though you are not waiting around for her. Because that is a mistake and if you do, and she returns, you have lost all your power in the relationship.

Hey guys, thanks for your responses.

So the thing is that I have done pretty much all of the recommended steps.

I do NC, UNLESS I had to talk to her about business topics.

I had never begged, pleaded, or played pick me, I have not been “nice” nor “mean.” I have acted distant enough without making anything harder or easier for her.

I have outed her to all of our friends and both of our families. Everyone has been “on my side,” the WS has been telling people that she feels lonely because no one is supporting her.

I’ve gone ahead and moved out of our old apartment (she moved into abusive ex bf home), and gave her one week starting yesterday to get her stuff out. I have disconnected all of our shared finances, bank accounts, credit cards.

I have stayed going to the gym 6 days a week, I am getting good test scores in school, and am working on making myself more physically attractive. I have grown my circle of friends too.

I feel like, as far as actions go, I have done all of the right things.

Yet, I still feel empty. It’s only been 24 days since Dday, but I am missing something. I am missing my best friend, my wife, what I knew as my life. I know I can’t take her back immediately, I know she has to be the one to come back and take all steps for a successful R.

Isn’t there some way possible, something that I can do, to make this happen? Besides doing all of the right things, like you guys said, she still may never come back. Maybe she is broken, or stuck in the cycle of abuse.

I’m trying to fake it till I make it.

[This message edited by Hold2win at 9:00 AM, February 21st (Thursday)]

Do you REALLY want to be with someone who does NOT want to be with you?

A better question to ask is why would you want to?

Look, reconciliation is hard. Most couples fail at it for one reason or another. Statistics show that close to 70% of all marriages that experience infidelity will fail. That's pretty damning.

One of the big reasons that reconciliation is difficult is that it demands a great deal of the WS, who, by definition, is likely ill-prepared to do the hard work. Affairs are borne of brokenness within the WS, of poor coping mechanisms, of entitlement, of "chasing the thrill," of bad boundaries. All of these things work against the things that reconciliation requires: total honesty, transparency, self-reflection, probing into the "whys."

Not to say it cannot be done, mind you. But just to say that the bar is very, very high.

I've long maintained that (in the most simplistic sense) there are two kinds of people who have affairs.

The first kind is someone for whom the affair is "perfect storm" of circumstance and opportunity. Generally honest and committed and trustworthy, these folks go off the rails through a combination of temporary weakness/bad boundaries and opportunity. They tend to be genuinely horrified at what they have done and are often successful in reconciling their marriages.

The second kind is someone for whom the affair is just another deception. These people cheat on their taxes, fudge expense reports, tell inane lies when it really doesn't matter . . . they practice deception in all walks of their lives and to almost everyone in their life. So in order for this person to reconcile their marriage, they have to peel back the layers of the onion that is THEM to rebuild themselves as a wholly different person.

Pretty daunting task, if you ask me.

I think you need to think long and hard about this. As someone who has gone through not one but two false Rs and is now divorced, I wish I had thrown his sorry ass out the first time and raised the bar very, very high for him to reconcile the marriage. Not as punishment, but in recognition of how difficult it all is and how the WS really has to work, especially one who is fundamentally flawed and chronically dishonest.

It really doesn't matter if it was an exit affair or not. It does matter what kind of character she has and what that tells you about the realistic nature of any potential reconciliation.

Raise that bar high. It needs to be.

Cat

You are grieving. That takes time, and you are still so early on. You have to go through the pain to overcome it. There's no way around it. Having her back won't make that pain go away. You would be feeling the same if she stayed. All you can do is take care of yourself and let time pass. ((hugs))

The thing is, I don't actually want her back. I realize that the relationship that we had is dead, gone, never to return.

What I want is for her to change. I want her to choose to initiate R without my asking, to take all of the necessary steps to fix herself and make a new relationship with me.

It's just what I want--doesn't mean that it should or will happen.

Hold2win, even though I wasn't married, I had a very similar thing happen to me, it was devastating, and I will never understand it or know how long they were communicating before he dumped me and instantly was her. All I know is they went on a trip, to her brothers wedding, four days after he told me he "didn't feel the spark anymore" and that there was "no one else" . (This happened 3 weeks after we bought a house mind you).

I asked ALL the same questions you are asking, and peoples responses Gave me temporary relief from the anxiety, but it was temporary. The pain, grief, constant ruminations and complete lack of answers haunted me...and unfortunately always will. He married her, they had a baby, he never looked back and it killed me that he didn't. I mean, I did get a random apology and a couple late night missed calls that I never followed up on. All I wanted to know was "will he regret thos, or did he? Does he think of me?" . And again, I will never know cause ultimately in his mind she was worthy enough he married her, which also kills me.

One thing that is so true and many advice givers on her said to me, look at the REALITY of what him/her coming back means. It would not be this magical love fest we imagine. There would be relief at first believe me, but then disgust, so much pain, anger etc. I'll tell you this, I got back together with a cheating ex before this last one, NEVER AGAIN, and we weren't even married. I never got over it, I didnt trust him, I was discusted when he would try to touch me, I hated him deep down, but I hoped we could get back what we had. But ultimately, I never got over it, and he kept deceiving me. Your story would be much the same I'm afraid. It's really not worth it, coming fro experience.

I try to remind myself of that reality when I miss my ex. Everyone says that there relationship won't last, just like people are saying to you. I wish I knew if that was true or not, because then it would feel like at least they got some karma, but unfortunately it seems like my exes has so far, but maybe they all know something we don't? Either way, be honest with yourself, as much as it would be amazing if she came and told you she messed up big time, which I always wanted to hear, they will never tell you that, because it's better to live with that buried deep down inside then for them to have to acknowledge what a messed up and cruel thing they did.

@SLM10

Thanks for sharing your story.

So because I am just over 3 weeks out, my emotions are still talking for me more than logic. At least, I do recognize that to be the case, and I do see and understand the rationale that people are telling me

Getting to the acceptance stage through the grief cycle is the last step. I am, day by day, getting there.

The love (the "in love" type) that I have for my WW is diminishing. I see it as a candle that is burned out to the bottom, just the tip of a wick remaining with no more wax to keep the flame. I'm getting there, I am letting go.

I am afraid that after I left go and move on, she will try to return.

I any case, I need to make my emotions and fear stop driving me.

At least I have not taken any ACTION based on my emotions or fear. What you see me say here has been just that--words, thoughts, ideas, hopes.

duplicate comment - deleted

[This message edited by Hold2win at 7:05 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]

Oh don't get me wrong, I get it, you are veerrryyy early days. And your emotions will be a rollercoaster for a very long time. I get what you are saying, you don't just stop loving or caring about someone over night. That's why I think it's so hard for us to understand how they can just replace us instantly! Because I couldn't, I mean I'm sure they still care(d) about us to an extent, but there needs and justifications trumped any hurt they would inflict on us.

One day at a time, you are doing way better then I was in all honesty, so I'm proud of you.

@SML10

Thanks man, it does help to hear that I am doing well for being only three weeks out.

Thing is, I have to be doing well. I have so much student debt that I can't mess up and not finish my degree at the end of May. If I don't finish now, I will be financially destroyed--not to mention what that would do to my psyche and self-esteem.

I am forcing myself to do well in school, to reach out to family and friends, to keep myself occupied. I am trying to fill my days with either working out, hang outs, or helping others with anything.

Also, since I got my Klonpin Rx yesterday that I took, it turned my mind off for 12 hours. I was anxiety and panic free. I think that helped reset my brain to a more positive place. I just started to feel anxiety come on about an hour ago, but it's different now. I can feel myself that much closer to acceptance.

I wish the best for you, for me, for us all. I know I don't deserve this crap.