So, here I sit in my Air BnB rental, sipping wine, and feeling the feeling of peace. Which I sorely need. I have no obligations, no ought-tos, no expectations. And that’s a good feeling.
Last Tuesday, after a weekend filled with Broadway hits, an amazing dinner, connection, and fellowship with friends, I found that my WH had turned on his private browser again, and was jerking off to internet god-knows-what. He claims photos and stories, but, hell, who the hell knows? Other than him. Private browser deal breaker. Because his addiction to porn is what led us here, slippery slope skidding down. Day after he got his Prostate cancer diagnosis, he decided that he deserved to get his fantasy fix. Because he “needs fantasy.” Vice talking to his concerned wife and getting support from her about his father-passed-away-from-prostrate-cancer fears. A very slow growing cancer, that, in consultation with him, his doctor, and I, we all agreed needed to be watched on a 6-month basis, in case, but that was probably no going to cause him problems for decades. Yeah, I understand the fear. Hell, I went through that with breast cancer scares. And I go through that a lot right now with memory loss and DID. But, you have to understand, that he is so fragile and special, that he just can’t share that with scary ole me. So, he has to go find comfort on the internet, which, of course, is SO very concerned for the individual person instead of the old, tired, fat, 25+ year married wife, can give him comfort and ego boosts.
Pardon me while I puke. And have another sip of wine.
After all, what right have I to complain? I’m only dealing with my mother’s death. My dad’s health deteration that I’ve had to go to fly out of state numerous times to deal with long-distance. My diagnosis of high blood pressure and trying to stabilize that. Work going crazy. My best friend’s wife passing away from pancreatic cancer across the country from me. My “beloved” husbands prostate cancer diagnosis after a year of PSI rising rates. But instead of opening up to me about his fears, well, he’d rather have sex with his computer. Mind you, he hasn’t touched me in months. Because of his fragile ego. After all, if he actually made a move, well, I might say no/be asleep by the time he came to bed/be in too much pain from my fibromyalgia that it possibly, might not happen.
I’m pouring another glass now. A slight pause in the typing.
So here I sit in my Air BnB rental. I have it until Friday. I just left. After all, I can rent another place. Let him take care of the cats that he wanted. It means that he actually has to go home, whatever home means. Left my “recommitment” ceremony ring on his computer. Emailed that I would be available to talk about potential scenarios on Saturday, about what we both wanted and needed in our lives. That I didn’t know when I’d be back. Practical situations, I need to stay on his insurance for 4.5 years until I get medicare. I need to stay in our retirement home because I cannot afford to stay in this area otherwise. And all of my support is here, so moving is not an option. Maybe a marriage on paper is what is in the cards. I don’t know. Maybe we can negotiate something. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will not give up my life, my lifestyle, what I have fought, saved, and worked for, unless absolutely necessary for my soul. I can get to indifference and be a housemate if I need to. I can have a fulfilling life without him being more than a sidenote to it, if I need to. I know me. I can totally do this. I have the capability to put a knife into this and cut life into then and now. And go forward. It will hurt, but pain and I are old frienemies. I know what the suck looks like and I can embrace it like a long lost brother.
But for right now, while I regroup and plan, I have a clean, safe, unpolluted place to be. Just simply be. I can hear the neighborhood children playing. I hear the sounds of people living out their lives. My temporary sanctuary is dark and the only light is that of a computer screen. And I can feel peace for tonight and face tomorrow, tomorrow.
And I have another bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Cheers.
