SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The first step will be to find an IC and work through my issues.

I strongly strongly strongly suggest you start IC with an idea of what you want to change about yourself. A goal, if you will.

If you can't figure out what your goal is, start with a goal of figuring out what you want to change.

A goal helps an IC determine if s/he can help you - not all good ICs can help all clients, IMO. Also, it gives you and your IC something to measure your progress against.

Have courage - IC can be scary. And do it for you, without reference to your M outcome. Do it if only to tame your demons. Life is much better when one's demons live in cages.

Thank you to everyone. I appreciate all the support. I promise I will be back to try and answer all the questions asked of me, it's just a very busy week. I think my timing was not great to dump all this out here. For that I'm sorry.

I see that she let down her guard, or never really had it fully in place.

There, that is white knuckling it. The point is not to have a guard. The point is not to need or want it that having a guard isn't even part of the equation. She needed it. She never fixed herself. She avoided things back then. The proof is the affair and the fact that she posted this...

I'm not going to have time to answer each individual posts, I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm not sure why I posted. I'm really sorry I've triggered so many.

Those aren't the words of a confident changed person. Those are the words of someone avoiding conflict. If we knew her real name back then, I have no doubt that many posters probably saw that or could see that. Her story isn't unique and a healthy BS could probably smell white knuckling from a mile away.

For those saying she shouldn't post here,because it's upsetting to you, or you're worried your BS will be discouraged..her BH encouraged her to return. He needs her here. He wants her here. So keep that in mind. By helping her,we also help him.

OP, encourage your husband to post in jfo. He needs the support and advice he will receive here.

You're not a monster. You're probably a person who's not meant to be in a serious, monogamous relationship. Yes, it's nice to have somebody there for you when you need it, but not when the trade off is breaking that person's heart. You seem truly perplexed about how to fix you, and that's ok. Some parts of our personalities are very deep and very complex, and we may never solve those mysteries. But it's NOT ok to keep hurting people due to those parts. Maybe it's time to let go of the myth that the happy fairy tale couple is for everybody, and start living authentically for you and learning about who you really are and what's important to you. Stop hurting innocent people by stopping yourself from getting into a relationship that expects fidelity again. I actually have a similar problem (not the cheating but the control issue) and I realized that I'm no good to anyone in a committed relationship. You can live a full, happy life without a boyfriend or husband. You can still have some fun and still provide a very safe and stable environment for your kids. Now that I've let go of the fairy tale dream, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Your husband deserves the chance to find somebody who has the same needs and values he has, and this second time shows you are not that person. Let him go, and start to work on finding out who you really are.

[This message edited by hedothprotest at 6:10 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

For those saying she shouldn't post here,because it's upsetting to you, or you're worried your BS will be discouraged..her BH encouraged her to return. He needs her here. He wants her here. So keep that in mind. By helping her,we also help him.

In order to help someone, they must be willing to help themselves. Part of that is demonstrating remorse and answering really difficult questions.

I think part of what seems so upsetting about this thread is limited effort given to her own thread. No sense of remorse, ignores questions, and when asked about her BH, she says she wasn’t thinking about him.

I think it’s the 8,000 posts leading up to this one that is worrisome. She claims she bulldozes her IC and needs control.

Everyone is encouraging professional help. This site isn’t a clinical and professional setting, which I believe MR would benefit more from. She has demonstrated that this venue doesn’t work for her.

I don’t think it’s out of line to suggest she gets the help that she really needs in order to get better.

HedothProtest,

Yup. There it is. Maybe she’s just not a monogamous person. And that’s cool. Just stop hurting your partner. You owe your partner that.

Truly monogamous couples are a minority. Just be honest with yourself and your partner. Clearly, monogamy is not what you want. Actions.

I didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if I repeat what someone else has posted. ManyRegrets, you keep focusing on what you've done. You can't believe what you've done, you've done it again, etc. I truly believe that we all should be be given a second chance and allowed to redeem ourselves. However, you already had that chance . . . yet here you are. Again. At this point, it isn't about what you've done but who you ARE. This is who you are. Someone who isn't a safe partner. A liar. A cheater. A betrayer. You need to sit with that truth for as long as it takes for it to break through your detachment.

After that, your choice is pretty freaking simple. Do you want to remain that person? If so, keep doing what you're doing and be prepared to look back at your life and see the damaged people you've left in your wake, including yourself.

If not, get help, ManyRegrets. While the ultimate responsibility lies with you and you alone to change, you can't do it alone. I'm so sorry about your horrific childhood experiences. Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you need support to unpack the damaging messages and coping mechanisms you learned to survive severe trauma but now leave you flailing around and wounding the people in your life. It will be hard and messy and painful . . . but the alternative is a half life.

I wish you all the best.

Can you cite your source?

The statistics were just an example. There is no source.

I just want people to know the truth. If a prominent poster on Wayward backslides, I want people to know about it. People should know the gamut of results before they make a decision.

Soapbox T/J -

Thanks for responding to the source question.

Why make up numbers? You can just say something like:

If some WSes ultimately cheat again, that is something the BS community deserves to know. I am pro BS healing, not pro any particular R program.

That's a powerful statement, more powerful than it is with fake numbers, IMO.

I am pro-R, and I agree with you that every BS needs to know the risks before choosing between D and R.

Everybody, there's no need to make up numbers. There's no need to justify your own opinion by hiding behind a group, fake or real.

Look at the posts that move you. I bet those are ones in which the poster shared his/her own experience.

It's good to know you're not alone, but statistics ... so what if X% of people in your sitch get the Y outcome? There's no way to tell ahead of time which bucket you'll end up in.

End Soapbox T/J

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:08 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

I feel the need to say something here.

Have you ever tried to go on a diet? quit smoking?

is that hard??????? MR is facing similar. All waywards are. All of you don't struggle some behavior and fail daily????????

A failure is an event. not a person. MR can change. She came here, thought she was healed and got it. She didnt. She fell. She's back. It's time to finish the work and do it right. The only way to fail to change is to give up trying. Shes still trying.

i was a sex addict. OVER 300 partners. my first marriage ended in divorce. I cheated on my first h (EA and then I left him). if I had come here and not dealt with my own abuse/addiction then? I would have fallen again. Fact is, I fell again too with my 2nd marriage. THEN I came here. But it's no different. I just had 2 marriages and multiple failures. I tried many times to change before I finally did. A person with broken legs can't walk. the pain will get them. an addict lies to himself and everyone else and the self deception is no joke. It's real. We tell ourselves lies and believe it.

MR has unhealed places. Needs her heart change not her head. Her heart can change.

her last chapter is not yet written. mine wasnt after my first marriage and fall. hers isnt.

You who have never failed multiple times can cast the first stone.

I'm not diminishing the pain her BS is enduring or the horror of the situation. I'd say her marriage might be done. BUT she can change. And miracles happen. Daily.

Edited:clarity

[This message edited by Maia at 10:04 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Cheating is not like getting fat or smoking other than all three are pleasurable to the he person doing it. But your smoking or being fat may be unpleasant to me it doesn’t make me,the innocent third party suicidal or rob me of my agency. Not even close to being the same.

Yeah, I agree. Screwing someone behind my back is not the same as sneaking a cigarette or a Twinkie. Just not comparable.

I do believe that some people are just empty black holes of need, walking Ids. And those people unfortunately lack insight into their bottomless pit of despair.

Once a BS finds out that their WS is a black hole/bottomless pit, I think those should be DNR relationships. Not fixable, run.

You’ll keep getting hurt by someone who treats you as an easily forgotten casualty of friendly fire.

Have you ever tried to go on a diet? quit smoking?

When I found out I was pregnant for tbe first time, I was 21 and a complete mess. Drinking to excess daily, waking up in strange places with cuts and bruises, smoking, broke, not sure what I was going to do.

I finished the pack I had while I stressed, decided to keep my baby, and turned my life around right then and there. Didn't buy another pack, stopped drinking. I was pretty miserable tbh, and felt like my life might be over and I might resent my child in the long run but... I didn't.

Anyways, 10 years later, I still have cravings for cigarettes. But I love my children, don't want to increase my chances of cancer anymore, and don't smoke.

When someone passes me by on the street smoking, does it smell good? Yes. Do I have an intense craving for a cigarette? Yes. Do I have vivid, enjoyable dreams where I buy a pack of cigarettes and get to smoke them? Yes.

But I don't do it, because my children are my important than cigarettes, and because I made my mind up to quit smoking.

I try not to judge other people, because I haven't been in their shoes, BUT, it's hard for me to understand this because if you want to quit something, you just do it. Tempted to make that call? Don't. Turn your phone off and do something else. Want to look them up on Facebook? Don't. Block them and/or deactivate your facebook.

Like Yoda says, do or do not. There is no try.

I try not to judge other people, because I haven't been in their shoes, BUT, it's hard for me to understand this because if you want to quit something, you just do it. Tempted to make that call? Don't. Turn your phone off and do something else. Want to look them up on Facebook? Don't. Block them and/or deactivate your facebook.

Like Yoda says, do or do not. There is no try.

This 1000%. I hate feeling like I am being judgey, but as a WW, you know the signs of a slippery slope as you have been there before. Cut it off at the knees before it ever gets started again. And bring it up with your BS, get back to IC, come here and read and post.

Quitting things that you enjoy is incredibly difficult. But I agree that overeating and smoking truly only hurt the one doing them (provided you smoke outside far away from other people). Cheating is destructive to so many more than just yourself. So you aren't just quitting for you, you are quitting for your loved ones as well. And that is why I don't understand cheating a second time.

MR, I do hope you continue to post and that you are working to heal and fix yourself.

The thing is I think most people could look at someone else at some point in their relationship and feel attraction. Each individual had agency over their own actions, that's why I hate reading that justification of "we couldn't help falling in love" when people cheat, or even worse "the heart wants what it wants" which is so intrinsically selfish. Each step in cheating, in an affair is a conscious choice, you'll never convince otherwise, if that's judging then so be it.

You should know better than that. Now is as good of time as any. In the case of communicating here, you are beginning a new journey. Read, ponder, answer when you can if so inclined.

[This message edited by QuietDan at 2:36 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

There's almost a level of clinical detachment in your posts. Most likely he asked you to write here and you're 'checking the box' like you did the last time. It feels like you're telling a tale from the distant past about someone else's life. This was something you inflcited on your husband and family. When was the last affair? And not to rate the nature of affairs but your second time was worse than the first. Absolutely heartless.

You brag about being in control and being the breadwinner. What is the state of your marriage? Is there any intimacy? I find it hard to believe that there's any love left. You are beyond checked out and he's paralyzed in fear. The best thing you can do for your husband is to file the papers. It'll take time for him to recover but the bar for his next partner is set so low that I'll bet on his chances. Then you can go your own way and "work " on your issues.

Unlike the other BS, I want to thank you for posting because this really shows what a joke reconciliation is in most cases and that the fundamental selfishness, entitlement in a cheater's character will always be there. You even have articles on this site for recovering couples? What a joke.

I don't think you understand actual addiction.

PM for you Rustylife