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General :
BS's - Would you prefer to have been told about your spouse's A?

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:45 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

OBS deserves to know the truth. You wish someone had told you about your W's A. How can you not do what you wish others had done for you?

Yes, the knowledge will hurt, but it frees her to confront her H and perhaps R or to D and perhaps find someone she can count on, even if that person is only herself. Living alone is likely to be better than living a lie.

I'm 8+ years from d-day. I consider myself recovered and R'ed. I feel a lot of joy. I'm optimistic. I love life. But ... obs found out about the A 10 days before I did, and I'm still angry at him for not telling me. I just noticed that 'obs' can easily be switched to 'sob'....

My W's A was with a client to whom she owed confidentiality. She was in IC and could have told her IC about her A under the cover of confidentiality. I might never have known about her A.

Except ... W's IC told me that, if W had confessed to her, she would have insisted that my W also confess to me. If my W refused, her IC would have stopped working with her. Oh, yeah ... W's IC said she would have verified that my W actually confessed to me.

The truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is excruciating. But it hurs less than lies.

Tell OBS.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:47 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31115   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8383679
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 Beachwalker (original poster member #70472) posted at 7:48 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

CHAMOMILE: I discovered the affair with this particular man in September of 2017. One of the emails I read dated just a couple of months earlier was her attempting to restart that relationship, but it was clear he had no interest in doing so. However, I found on her phone a record of her emailing him in June of 2018. She had mistyped his name in the address bar and the computer, thinking it was a new contact, stored some very basic information about the name. I just saw the month, year, and subject of “Hi!” When I confronted her about this last week, she says she doesn’t remember sending anything to him, would have no reason to do so, and hasn’t contacted him since once after the discovery.

posts: 363   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8383754
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Nanatwo ( member #45274) posted at 7:52 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

Definitely tell the OBS. My H left me for the OW (we are reconciled - but that is another story). I don't know how things would have turned out if I learned of the A before he left - but at least I would have been spared months of lies while believing I had a loving faithful husband.

If only someone would have told me I could have taking some control of my life. It still bothers me five years later that they were making plans that impacted my life and no one told me.

Time heals what reason cannot. Seneca

First the truth. Then, maybe, reconciliation. Louise Penny

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2014   ·   location: Indiana
id 8383755
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deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 8:32 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

Definitely tell the obs. They have the right to know the truth about their own life. Even if it’s from someone they don’t k ow or barely know.

I wish I had known. I wish anyone would have told me but honestly I don’t think anyone other than the two of them knew.

Fire your IC. That is the worst advise I have ever heard and if they knew anything about infidelity they would know that the was blown up with the a, not being exposed. Honestly some therapist should never be allowed to practice.

The truth is the only thing that can save their m. Otherwise it’s based on lies and manipulation.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8383770
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Babette2008 ( member #69126) posted at 8:53 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

Tell the OBS. My H only confessed that he had had an A because the OBS threatened to tell me. I found out later that the H of his first AP 8 years earlier had known about the A but hadn't told me. I also discovered that the IC my H was seeing after he confessed the most recent A told my H not to tell me about the earlier A because it was over and it wouldn't do any good - leaving me to discover it on my own a month later. Which was awful because she was a "friend".

Knowing about the As was hard, but they explained alot of the issues we had had. We would probably have gotten D if I hadn't been told because I was getting sick of an emotionally awol H. Now we might stay together.

posts: 251   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2018
id 8383776
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 9:14 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

In that case, I think the last contact attempt is still current enough that the OBS wouldn't think you were just looking for trouble. It's your call.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10

posts: 7097   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8383783
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 10:28 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2019

Any IC that thinks perpetrating a lie should be dumped IMHO.

I’d want to know.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3828   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8383803
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:11 AM on Monday, May 27th, 2019

If someone had known about my fch's cheating, I absolutely would've wanted to be told.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6900   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8383851
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staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 1:21 AM on Monday, May 27th, 2019

Absolutely, I’d want to know. One of the hardest things for me is knowing that others knew about the A, and not one person cared enough to tell me. They wanted to gossip behind my back instead. Please don’t be a coward. Do the right thing. Your IC is wrong and obviously doesn’t know about infidelity. The only right thing to do is to tell the OBS.

posts: 681   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8383855
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Jimmy1962 ( member #59923) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, May 27th, 2019

I am a betrayed spouse and I did not find out until 20 years later. POSOMs wife knew but did not tell me. I wish that she had told me.

DDay 7-20-17 Found about 10 month physical affair that my wife had back in 97 & 98
I thought that I was going to die!
Trying to reconcile.
Infidelity is to marriage as Roundup is to plants.

posts: 644   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8383857
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Emotionalhell ( member #39902) posted at 11:54 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2019

It was very difficult for me to tell the OBS. I know how much pain is causes and hate to see anyone suffer that kind of pain.

But I would want to be told if someone else knew about the A.

I would want to know if the person I committed to was being unfaithful. I would be angry if I found out others knew and didn’t tell me.

It has been awhile since I informed OBS. Somedays I wonder if I should of not told but then I go back to if only someone had told me and I would want to know.

The OBS thanked me for telling him. Said he had suspected it for a long time but had no proof. I was told he had anxiety problems and have often wondered if it was caused by the gaslighting.

The BS has a right to know so they can make an informed decision about their life.

Me BS x2. 50ish Divorced WH #1. IHS with wayward #2 Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018. Dday #3 December 17th.

posts: 1780   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 8384145
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:54 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

My WH husband’s high school friend introduced him to the massage parlour that he went to 10 years ago. I haven’t told his wife, it was so long ago, I don’t know if I should either. I understand the dilemma.

Standing tall

posts: 2232   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8384276
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 12:08 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

I'm sorry you are here Beachwalker.

I'm not 100% sure I know your whole story, but according to another post you've made, you don't know your whole story either.

You can't begin to heal until everything is on the table.

Telling the OBS is a good start. I'll never understand why we struggle with doing the right thing.

Here's the other thing, she may have more information than you have. You might be able to put 2 + 2 together and get 4.

But as I said before, you tell because it's the right thing to do.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3818   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8384288
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BetrayedPR77 ( member #69207) posted at 12:08 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

The truth hurts. [...] But it hurts less than lies.

This. A million times this.

Did it hurt when I found out? Yep. Is the most horrible pain? Oh yes. Did it took me to the worst place (emotionally) I've been in my life? Yes.

Would I've prefer to know this sooner? Definitely. Better than knowing that I went thru the worst moments of my life (until Dday) under a big lie. And better than knowing that every happy moment in the last 7 years is tainted and makes the scar in your heart a bigger one.

Please, if you haven't done so after reading every response on this thread thread, please, tell OBS. Don't allow another day to add to the lie. Everyday that goes by will be added to the false memories, and it will be worst for OBS mind health after she finally finds out.

Me- BH (b. 1977)
She - WW (b. 1981)
Together since 2001, married in 2005
LTA - 7 years - Double Betrayal
DDay - 10/03/2018
DDay 2 - 01/05/2019 (learn the true length of the A)

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

Status: Next stop: Divo

posts: 72   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: 🇵🇷
id 8384290
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

I'd give ANYTHING to have known and NOT had my children be the ones to discover/tell me.

I can also say - tell OBS immediately. I didn't [on a lot of bad advice] and it only went underground for 1.5 more years.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8384518
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2019

BW,

I wished someone in your position had told me and allowed my marriage to recover, or even in the case of divorce given that choice back to me.

The funny thing is that generally people who give advice have tons of sympathy for the cheaters, but very little for the betrayed spouses. Why is that?

posts: 1544   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8384610
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:05 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019

I wish I had known. My WH tried to hook up with one of his friend's young adult daughter and at least one other guy friend found out about it. This means that the husband in the couple whom we spent the most social time with KNEW that my WH was a cheater and watched me be all lovey and affectionate with him. The wife didn't know...she called and told me as soon as she found out though it was after I left him.

The feeling of being made a fool of is a thousand times greater when you know that others knew before you did and you just kept on acting like you had a spouse who loved you. I imagine he pitied me, but he never told me. It is humiliating.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8384627
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1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019

Absofreakinlutely tell tne OBS.

posts: 237   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8384697
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 3:24 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019

Yes, I would have wanted to know. My marriage could never be what I signed up for while my husband was having or hiding an affair, and I deserve to make informed decisions about my body.

In your situation, I don't know what I would do. My husband's OW was single. I imagine I would want it communicated to her that if she didn't tell OBS, then we would, and that the information needed to include length of affair, lies told, PA details, etc. But I would give her a chance to do it because I wouldn't want to have to have any more interactions with either of them than necessary.

I think it's important that the WS takes the lead on this . . . on shining light on the darkness and apologizing to the OBS. After two years of R I don't think it should fall on the BS's shoulders.

posts: 1843   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8384707
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 Beachwalker (original poster member #70472) posted at 12:17 AM on Friday, May 31st, 2019

Thank you to everyone who posted here. It is obvious we have a solid majority consensus to tell the OBS. As I mentioned in my initial post, those a little closer to me are in agreement with you all. I have already found the OBS’s contact information and am planning to make first contact with her via email, asking her to call me when she is in a secluded place and can talk for as long as we need.

Will keep you posted.

posts: 363   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8385695
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