SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes! Tell her ASAP. If you do not do it, then you are keeping secrets. The reverse would not be acceptable. Set the tone and tell her.

I tell my H about any Male attention I get, mostly because it tickles me. Since this is a person you will continue to run into, I think you should tell your wife. There's no reason not to.

Thanks for the feedback. I agree that I would prefer that my W tell me, so I will do the same. I don't feel the need to tell her every time a woman hits on me, but this is someone that I know, who our friends know, that I might be spending time around in the future.

It's true, I probably shouldn't have been so friendly to the girl when I told her that I'm married, no way. But I just am that way. I am a nice person, but I'm not what you'd call a textbook "nice guy", as in "nice guys finish last". I am not tooting my own horn, I just know that I'm pretty charismatic and I ride a fine line between nice guy and bad boy, without actually ever doing anything bad. I will also say that since I hit about 34-35, suddenly I was being approached and flirted with by younger women AND older women... very rarely is it anybody in my own age bracket. It's an interesting topic, maybe worthy of it's own separate thread somewhere.

ANYWAY... a few things to address. Yes... I was the guy who was nervous about going to a strip club on a business trip, because of how I might act. I was in a really low place at that time. It's no secret on here that my wife is not exactly sexually forthcoming with me. Her idea of good sex are the times that it doesn't take me too long to finish, so she can get back to whatever. We always go to this strip club on that business trip, and it's fairly obvious that "extras" are available on a sliding scale. I was afraid of how I might act around women who exude sexuality... would I be tempted to get a HJ? A BJ? Take them back to the hotel? It only takes money! But I never would have actually done any of that. I know me. On that particular trip, we didn't even end up going to the strip club. Our meeting ran late, and then we went to a regular bar down the street to meet some friends, and before we knew it, closing time. But I was in a really bad spot around that time, about Jan/Feb.

I know some consider me at risk for a RA. I know I've thought about it myself. But it's only a passing thought. I absolutely WILL NOT do it. If it were going to happen, it would've happened by now, probably with that girl in my OP. It was right there for the taking, I could have gotten laid by an attractive girl 11 years younger than me without exerting any effort at all. She probably would've been willing to do things my wife USED to do, but would never do now. I might have actually gotten to experience good sex with an enthusiastic, passionate partner who wanted to be in it with me. But I didn't. I turned that down, I'm proud to say. It was never really a serious option for me. At the end of the day, my moral compass would never let me do that. I just know the damage infidelity can do, and I will NEVER be that person.

Sorry, my posts tend to get a little "wordy". I will tell my W. But I want to do it in a way that she won't feel weird about me hanging out with my other friends. This other girl isn't around every time I go over there. But she does live nearby, and usually if I come over, that means they've invited a bunch of their other friends over too. Any advice on how to have the conversation?

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 7:35 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Yes. You need to tell.

Although I agree with the others that say context is relevant.

This was beyond a compliment. She threw something out to see if it stuck. Shame on her for doing that to a married man.

NOTE:

Before/During/After DDays - I always tell WH when someone hits on me. [admittedly I inwardly chuckle when it happens post DDays].

I know some consider me at risk for a RA. I know I've thought about it myself. But it's only a passing thought. I absolutely WILL NOT do it. If it were going to happen, it would've happened by now, probably with that girl in my OP. It was right there for the taking, I could have gotten laid by an attractive girl 11 years younger than me without exerting any effort at all. She probably would've been willing to do things my wife USED to do, but would never do now. I might have actually gotten to experience good sex with an enthusiastic, passionate partner who wanted to be in it with me. But I didn't. I turned that down, I'm proud to say. It was never really a serious option for me. At the end of the day, my moral compass would never let me do that. I just know the damage infidelity can do, and I will NEVER be that person.

If I were your wife I think I would want you to say what you said in this paragraph. It is honest, it explains that you are not really looking for an affair, but that because that element is missing between you that sometimes the thought can creep up. Honesty is how things evolve. It's not a threat, you are saying you don't want to do that, but if she really loves you, I feel that she needs to evaluate whether there is more she can do to get back in touch with her sexuality. I might would even follow up the discussion with, "I am teachable, if what you need to get into it has changed, or if you want to explore more, I would be totally into getting that feedback from you".

I say that not to imply you aren't satisfying her, but from the lens of a wayward wife - If I wanted something different, providing critique or teaching my husband something *could* be intimidating, because:

a. You all didn't have sex for like a year after the A, so when it finally happened she likely wouldn't want to rock the boat.

b. It may be hard for her to be vulnerable and say "my shame is killing this" and honestly, if that's the case she needs to get back into IC.

c. She may understand that you have been wounded sexually and have fears that providing guidance to you on working on your sex life is out of bounds.

I don't know if I am articulating this correctly, but the thing I can't really understand about what you say in here is that she is in her mid-30's and literally never interested in having orgasms. You say she used to not be this way, so I don't think she has a frigid nature. Is there sexual abuse in the background? Do you have any hypothesis other than the shame around the sex?

You two need to open up to each other. I know that's scary on both sides. But, she really does need to understand by not being able to address what needs to be addressed here she continues to put your marriage in jeapoardy. Not because you are going to cheat, I don't think you are, but because your dissatisfaction is growing and growing.

It's not lack of sex. You say she is willing 2 or 3 times a week, which for most long term happily married couples I think is average to above average. It's lack of her showing you that she sees you as her love, her sweetheart, that she wants you romantically/sexually. You miss having intimacy. I can't help but think that the reason some of that is not there is emotional intimacy needs to be worked on.

Prior to my A, we had sex the number of times a week you are talking about. I was often interested in it, but it was missing that emotional intimacy piece of things. When we started having that piece over this past year, it fueled the whole thing differently for me.

So, maybe even ask her about that. I think there is a rich opportunity here to talk about how this situation reminds you of what you want with her. If she loves you and wants this marriage, I really think she needs to have a serious conversation about all of this with you and really take in what you say about it and be vulnerable enough with you to share back what the issue is. I personally think that she may need to see IC, or a doctor about hormone levels, or give you some feedback on what it would take to crave you. As a WW, I wonder if some of it is really an issue of emotional intimacy and what that would look like.

At the end of the day, two people who want to be happily married who are reasonably compatible with each other should both be interested in removing barriers to why that is not happening. Time to find out a. is she interested in removing the barriers? b. are you? and if so, c. What are they? You would be astounded to find what a little bit of work can do to reap a whole lot of reward.

HO-

In her mind, she is a porn star compared to her friends. She was discussing sex with a group of friends, and for the most part we have WAY more sex than they do. She told these girls that we do it 2-3 a week, and they were all like "DAMN GIRL!!!" What she probably didn't tell them is that she basically lays there while I do literally all the work, every single time, and that she never orgasms. She used to orgasm every time we had sex. I used to have a hard time keeping up with her sex drive prior to having kids. But it's like she has forgotten all about that.

She seriously says that she just doesn't have any interest in having an orgasm. She doesn't let me do anything to help her get there. She says she never masturbates, and I believe her. I've tried talking to her about it. I've said that obviously her bending over while I pound away isn't doing it for her... can we try something else that might make it better for her? She simply has no interest in deviating from that. That's all her, by the way... she says that's her favorite way to have sex, in her favorite position.

It's hard for people with a sex drive to even comprehend it. But it's become part of my life the past few years. Sometimes I make a grand proclamation that I'm not going to engage in duty sex any longer, and that I'd rather have no sex than the kind of sex we're having. But eventually I give in, because why not? She's willing to provide her body for me to use on a regular basis. She's seriously happy to offer that for me. I really believe it comes from a place of love, not just "ugh gotta do this to keep him happy". More than half the time, she even initiates it. By initiate, I mean saying "tonight let's have sex after the kids go to bed". Sex cannot be initiated organically.

She says I watch too much porn, and that my expectations for sex are too high. I don't believe that to be true. I know that real life love-making is a VERY different thing to porn. But when there is literally zero passion put forth, ever, then there's something wrong. She has a hard time admitting she's at fault. I agree that we need counseling, but getting her to agree to go would be difficult.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 8:37 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

- double post-

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 8:35 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

It sounds like you have talked to her more than I realized. I think what she is not hearing or understanding is that by her not being interested in her sexual pleasure that it's taking pleasure from you. And, she is not seeing that because she is not in it for her, you feel rejected - that she doesn't crave you.

Frequency is not a testament to a good sex life. I agree with her friends, I think that's a healthy amount. And, if she was serving steak at least one of the times a week instead of the appetizers/snacks you probably would feel a lot more satisfied with what is happening. I think I would still tell her what happened with this other person and how it made you feel. That feeling of having someone else want or desire you is a need that you have and that it's very strong.

I mean, it sounds a little like you put up with it for long periods of time and then kind of have a throw your hands in the air and give up moment and then go on. Do you really feel you have had a vulnerable conversation about your feelings here? It sounds like it comes up but in a frustrated way, rather than saying "this is making me sad and unhappy". I have to think either she doesn't believe it's a problem, or she is not really hearing that it is.

And, for the record, I am a woman and all of us go through phases of lack of drive. After babies, or during other hormonal shifts. So, I can comprehend what that is like. During these times, orgasm is really not within reach and even given the proper effort may not be feasible. But, for years?

I got my first divorce due to a similar issue. I tried for a long time to get the wheels back on the road. I think it's more serious then she understands that it is.

Having followed the thread I'll concede I got it wrong with my first response. I was reading it more as someone just hit on him one night but in hindsight this woman is a self proclaimed and publicly acknowledged threat to his marriage. That does need to be in the open, very different IMO from someone just hitting on you once.

Telling her will require that the OP do a few things to protect his marriage from this girl but in reality those things need to be done regardless of if he tells her or not.

FG...

How old is your W?

GoldenR - they are in their mid 30's.

FG. I wonder if you are giving off a different vibe these days post your WWs A.

Your words kind of triggered me. And this is way more about me than you. My WH said all the same things -that he would never go there - until he crossed the first little line. Then the second and so on.

I told my MC that I would never..... I have values. Probably was an arrogant statement. She told me anyone can enter an affair if the situation promotes it. I am on the side I would never, but a small part of me wonders given the hurt and pain from his years of cheating.....

Yep can’t believe I am sharing this.

FG -

Given her age, she should be really getting into sex with you.

You ever think about the two of you going to a sex therapist together?

I apologize for triggering Tallgirl. I feel like I have crossed the first of many lines that can be crossed in order to start an affair. The difference is that I choose to not engage in that behavior. I don’t even know when the next time I will see that girl is... I know there are no occasions for the next 2 months at least where I will be around these people. They live about an hour away, so visits are somewhat infrequent, especially during the busy summer months. Perhaps with a few months away, her interest will die off and she’ll find someone more age appropriate, and ya know... SINGLE!

My wife is 34, I’m 38. I would say her sex drive started to decline about 2 years after our youngest was born, who is now 6. Everybody says that she should be working her way up to a sexual reawakening now that our kids are older, and due to her age. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex therapist? Extremely unlikely. I don’t think she thinks there is anything wrong in our sex life, just my “high expectations.” I’m sorry, TMI ALERT; She hasn’t let me go down on her in almost a decade. I have received roughly 1 BJ a year for the last 4-5 years. I can count on one hand, in the past year, the amount of times she has had sex with me in a position where she does any of the work. I don’t think my expectations are high... just normal.

But that’s not really what this thread is about. I have pretty much given up on ever having sex again like what I want... like most people want. She’s not going to change. I am not really looking to D at this time, too much to lose. But I’ll be honest, when I look down the road 20 years, I’m not sure I see what the point would be in is staying together. Maybe then I can find a fun sex partner!

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 11:59 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

FG, I agree that telling your W is the right thing to do.

FG and Tg, Here's my concern:

I once worked in a place where a couple of women competedg with each other to see who could bed the most men in the department. I began to wonder what would happen if one or both of these women put on a concerted effort to get me into bed. (They left me alone, they said, because I was 'with my soulmate,' and they didn't want to mess that up.)

My conclusion was that I could be had - daily contact, daily lubricious talk, etc., etc., etc. - I could see myself failing.

So I think anyone can cheat, given the wrong circumstances. IOW ...

Tg, I don't see anything wrong with what you shared. In my case, knowing I could cheat helped me maintain my boundaries.

FG, I agree you're probably a limerent object to this woman. If you continue to see her, make sure of your boundaries. Shut her down.

I'm not sure of the terminology, but I was limerent over W2b for months. It was true limerence - I was in love, and I thought she'd never go out with me. It turned out she was eminently attainable, at least for me.

Be careful, FG.

Fenderguy,

Sorry I took this thread off course. I just have been here long enough to have seen the many things you have said on the topic, and it is hard to watch that if something can be done about it. Maybe nothing can. As the WW in my situation, I often think that some of the BH's here don't want to rock the boat and say the truth and give her an opportunity to change it before the marriage is lost. It's sad for both of you - you even know that is your likely outcome one day as a result. It just seems like to me if she knew it was like that she would do something about it. And, if she does know it's like that, there are few explanations as to why she does nothing further about it. She may see it as a mild complaint, not as something big enough to possibly one day end your marriage. Anyway, I won't harp on you about it. I just want you to be sure you have approached it from different angles in case there could be happiness on the horizon for the two of you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:55 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I've said that obviously her bending over while I pound away isn't doing it for her... can we try something else that might make it better for her? She simply has no interest in deviating from that. That's all her, by the way... she says that's her favorite way to have sex, in her favorite position.

Hey Fender, has she always said that's her favorite even pre-A?

If not, is it possible that other positions/acts remind her too much of what she did with the POSOM and the guilt would immediately turn her into a desert down there..?

I know that for me as BH, I have a very hard time being on top OR doing any of the positions that I watched in the videos I discovered of my WW with her POSOM (from the time that she was the OW) and usually if I try deviating, I immediately turn into a senior citizen regardless of horniness. Maybe it's something similar 🤷‍♂️

Sad Dad, so sorry you had to see those videos. I wish you the best of luck as you fight through those mind movies, I can’t even imagine.

Doggystyle (a term that I hate) was always a favorite or ours, right back to the beginning. I hate missionary, it’s hard to enjoy sex while planking IMO haha. But now it’s just become a convenient “hit it and quit it” position. It’s usually the fastest position for me to orgasm from, and I suppose since she isn’t into it, that’s the whole point. If she’s on top, or we’re doing the dreaded missionary, I could last almost indefinitely sometimes. Most women seem to want sex to last longer... except mine. She claims that when she was with the OM 7 times, it was pretty much just vanilla doggystyle, not much different than what our sex life evolved into. They didn’t have a lot of time for their quickies, and that’s all they ever did. I know that cheaters lie, so I take her words with a grain of salt. But that’s what she has claimed for 2.5 years.

HO, I appreciate your insights as a fWW and as a woman. It’s quite sad that I pretty much know what my long term outcome is going to be. If we get a D, it won’t be because of the A. It won’t be because we hate each other and can’t stand one another. It will be because we will have pretty much transitioned into roommates by that time, and once the kids leave there probably won’t be anything left of “us”. I don’t think she gets it at all. She seems to have zero need to intimacy. She’s not really a cuddle on the couch type anymore. She’s not really a hand holder, or into any kind of PDA. She mocks people who are. She has no interest in any kind of foreplay, of post sex cuddling. As soon as sex ends (aka whenever I get off), it’s immediately clothes back on, to the bathroom to clean up, and off to sleep.

It’s not lost on me that she isn’t attracted to me. Obviously she isn’t. But why initiate sex at all then? Why organize date nights? Why reserve babysitters and get hotel rooms for the night? It’s bizarre. I think a lot of it has to do with her upbringing. She was raised in a VERY strict home. Her Mom is about the most prudish woman I have ever met. And my wife has really started turning into her mom, minus religion. I think ever since the A, she has reverted back to that place. I think when we were dating she was going through a rebellious phase, hence the constant drinking, partying and fucking.

Sorry, I don’t mean to sound all WOE IS ME! I have a good life. Good career, wonderful kids, and a good woman for a wife who just happens to have zero sex drive. We don’t really fight. She lets me come and go as I please (not that I am out all the time, but she encourages me to pursue a social life). But I am just missing that closeness, that emotional intimacy component with her.

Also, I have decided to tell her about the other girl. I’m going to kind of play it off like a meaningless thing. It is meaningless, because nothing happened and I don’t intend to spend much time with this other person in the future. I will do my best to avoid her on the rare occasions that I do see her. Maybe now that she drunkenly admitted her feelings, she’ll be embarrassed and stay away. I hope.

It’s not lost on me that she isn’t attracted to me. Obviously she isn’t. But why initiate sex at all then? Why organize date nights? Why reserve babysitters and get hotel rooms for the night? It’s bizarre. I think a lot of it has to do with her upbringing. She was raised in a VERY strict home. Her Mom is about the most prudish woman I have ever met. And my wife has really started turning into her mom, minus religion. I think ever since the A, she has reverted back to that place. I think when we were dating she was going through a rebellious phase, hence the constant drinking, partying and fucking.

I don't know - there are very small clues here. If she looked up to her mom but disappointed herself, maybe she is emulating what a "good wife and mom" are without defining that for herself? It doesn't sound like she would be another way for someone else exactly, so I am thinking it may have nothing to do with being attracted/not attracted to you. It sounds like she is not connected with herself and continues to play a role. She organizes date nights and hotels, but doesn't want to hold hands or anything like that? Are you sure sexual abuse is not in her history?

I have noticed a good number of us WW's have sexual abuse in our history. That manifests for us in different ways. Some of us become frigid, some of us get approval that way, some of us relive our traumas.

There is something more here at play I think, and it really doesn't sound like it has a lot to do with you, how attractive she finds you or otherwise. She avoids intimacy, it tells me she also avoids herself. Did she go to IC at all initially or that never was a thing?

“Hey, Honey, I kinda got hit on tonight. I made sure everybody knows I am a happily married man but it would certainly help if you would come with me. We could have a good time and I wouldn’t feel like I had to do anything but put my arm around you and give you a big fat kiss. What do you say? Will you come with us the next time?”

Do it in an upbeat kind of way but she now knows that “they” are out there looking at you. It might make her decide going out with friends is more fun then she thought it was.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:36 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]