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I got propositioned in April on a business trip and shot it down and told my WS about it. Since some of it happened via text I showed her all of that correspondence. Felt good to be validated. Felt good to have shot it down. Felt good to tell her about it.

It was a trust builder and overall positive to share. But really up to you... I could see not sharing if they knew each other.

I also think it's good how something like his can remind your WS that you are attractive appealing guy, not that there's an implicit threat but that she is indeed lucky to have you.

I really do think my W finds the notion that other women would be interested in me to be hilarious. She just always has a joking/mocking tone about it. She has no idea how many opportunities I have had. There was once a woman who is about 10 years older than me that was hitting on me pretty hard. Sending me private FB messages, "randomly" showing up in places that I would be. I told my wife about it, and she just kind of laughed and said "okay, whatever... I think you're imagining things!" I kinda thought "well, fuck you...".

My wife occasionally comes to these social outings, but not often. As far as memory serves, I don't think this other woman and my wife have ever met. It's possible, but I don't think so.

FG- I just wanted to say how much our wives are exactly the same, right down to the prudish MIL. Absolutely identical.

Hell, I was starting to think a while back my wife could be gay, that's how disinterested she is in sex. 95% of the time we have sex, it's with her on all fours. A couple weeks ago we were watching porn together (it didn't change a thing by the way). There was a girl on girl scene and my wife asked me to skip to the next scene. So it got me thinking, maybe she's not gay after all?

Anyway, I'm just letting you know you are not alone brother!

FG, this sexual behavior started before the A, right? Is your WW depressed? Is she on antidepressants? Both of those can kill the sex drive. ADs can also make it impossible to orgasm. I don't know how knowing any of that would help if she's unwilling to acknowledge that there might be a problem.

No need to apologize for my triggers. It is my WH’s gift that will last for years

I can’t believe your wife laughs at the idea that women hit on you. Frankly it is the last thing that should be purposefully discarded. This stuff has to be talked about. Maybe I am old, but I find that an immature reaction.

Not telling her would be Wayward behaviour. It’s the start of a slippery slope( or at least it was for my husband), I’m glad you have decided to tell her. It’s the right thing to do.

FenderGuy, you seem to be a good guy with a solid sense of what is right and what is wrong. It boggles my mind that your wife seems so dismissive of you a) sexually and b) with respect to the prior woman who had previously expressed interest. Is she like this with you generally? With other people? Has it always been this way or only post-A? She sounds incredibly selfish.

FENDER: My WW has given birth to 5 kids and has been to the doctor for low hormones. When she got on the meds, slowly her sexual desire returned. Since she has been off them, she slipped back into a “not interested” mode. She loves her orgasms, but has no desire to initiate. I wonder if, as someone else stated, your wife has this same condition.

But something else is on my mind. I noticed after putting my WW’s activities on a chart, during the times she wasn’t interested in me were the times she was dating other men. Sure, she would make herself available for sex, but I felt I should leave a 20 on the nightstand on the way out. I hope this is not true for you, but it may be something to look out for.

Yes, her sexual behavior started before the A. I can't quite put my finger on when exactly, but I remember one night in 2015. We were starting up with sex, and I went to do something that used to be a natural part of foreplay. She recoiled in disgust and said not to do that, let's just get to it. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I realized that she had been like that a lot lately. Since then, I've been keeping track, and it hasn't gotten any better. Suddenly, sex with her was just a series of stop signs. Don't touch this, don't do that, etc. More rules involved than a married couple should have during sex.

I don't believe she is currently cheating on me. Since Dday, I have researched the possibility of her having another A very thoroughly. Before, I just never thought it was possible, so I never looked for the signs. Now... I can't not look for signs. I am not obsessive about it or anything, but they would have to be pretty damned secretive to be able to carry on an A. I suppose it's always a possibility, but I have really seen no evidence of it. If there is another A, I will not hesitate to file for D immediately, no take backs! She knows this.

It could be a hormonal thing. She does not take ADs. But she would first have to admit that there's something wrong with what she's doing in order for her to get her levels checked, etc. I really just believe that she doesn't view sex, or physical intimacy, as that important. She seems to view sex in general as a crass topic, never to be discussed in any forum. Pornography is evil. Sex toys are disgusting. She is legitimately offended by even the most light-hearted of dirty jokes. Again, that goes back to me saying she is becoming her mother. That woman is literally offended by everything.

I'm afraid that begs the question: do you want to spend the rest of your life married to your MIL?

Also, I told her about the girl hitting on me. She reacted just as I thought she would. She said "Are you sure you're not just imagining things because you want to feel the ego boost of thinking she's attracted to you?" I said "ummm... no... she literally said this and that and this other thing". I even told her how my friend's wife said she talks about me all the time.

She didn't seem too worried about it, just said something like "well, I trust you, so it doesn't matter." I'm paraphrasing the entire convo, but that's basically how it went.

I didn't talk to her about any of the issues about how this relates to our sex life being lackluster, or anything like that. I guess I am more afraid to rock the boat than I thought I was. Happy wife, happy life... right!

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 9:52 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

And BraveSirRobin, being married to my MIL is the thing of my nightmares! I get anxious about spending holidays at her house, because I'm not used to behaving myself to that extreme degree. It's very difficult to do!!

FG

I think maybe your wife don't find you attractive

And maybe she finds its hard to believe that any women will be interested in you or attract ed to you

I think she needs some jealousy to have some attraction to you.

Remember (your own posts) there was someone hitting on you in the bar when you were not having sex with her PostDday and then she wanted to have sex with you.

Because she was scared of you finding someone else

I think may be she has taken you for granted.

Also, I told her about the girl hitting on me. She reacted just as I thought she would. She said "Are you sure you're not just imagining things because you want to feel the ego boost of thinking she's attracted to you?" I said "ummm... no... she literally said this and that and this other thing". I even told her how my friend's wife said she talks about me all the time.

UGH. This is just so... rude? Dismissive? Belittling. I'm angry on your behalf.

My WH is far from perfect, but if I told him someone was hitting on me, he would tease me a little about how I've still got *it.* (And not in a negative way -- I'm fairly attractive, but as a mom of two with a toddler that channels the Tasmanian Devil, there are many days I haven't showered, got four hours of sleep, I'm wearing yoga pants with my hair up in a messy bun, and I'm running on caffeine and a prayer..... those are usually not the days I'm getting hit on though.)

I'm not saying your wife should be jealous, but wouldn't it have been nice if her response was... more positive? Like, "well of course babe, look how handsome you are! Thanks for telling me."

a toddler that channels the Tasmanian Devil

I used to call my oldest the spazmanian devil.

Back on topic, sort of.

FG, it really sounds like your WW may be a narcissist, or at least have a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Thinking she doesn't have any problems, belittling and insulting you, very selfish. Unfortunately, nothing you can really do about that. A narcissist will never get help because they are perfect in their own eyes.

My question, then, is the same as another's. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You deserve so much more. You deserve respect, love, passion.

Keep in mind that your choices as to this woman are not binary (cheat/not-cheat). You could, for example, tell your WW that, like her, you are going to arrogate the right to a one-sided open marriage and pursue a fling with this woman because it's what you feel you need and/or want at this point in life.

You might remind her that, unlike her, you won't sneak around and do it in secret, but, like her when she made her decision to cheat and lie to you about it, you're in a dark place, feeling unfulfilled as a sexual man, and this woman's attention promises to address that darkness in ways you aren't getting from your marriage. You feel an inner need to pursue this for the promise of the kibbles this woman is offering you.

That would, among other things, take your power back. One of the things cheaters do to their betrayeds is thrust an awful choice on their plate: live with this, or leave. The BH's choice really is binary on that specific point, and it is bitter because of the arrogant, self-centered, dishonest, secret way the WW pushes this onto the BH's plate.

It's fair to put a similar binary choice back on the plate of your WW. Further, in my opinion it is both ethical and moral if you do it in a way that is honest, up-front, and transparent.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:30 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Is she willing to work toward a better marriage and sex life... toward your "high expectations?" Is she in IC or has she ever been? I mean if you used to orgasm a lot and now never do, isn't that something you'd want to fix?

I agree that her belittling the advances insults you and shows a lack of understanding. But maybe she does see the threat and it's repressed along with a bunch of other stuff causing her to become her mother. My WS had a similar upbringing and a lot of her IC is unpacking her identity and buried emotions.

In this situation I think you'd hope for her stepping up and reclaiming you, seeing the threat and taking ownership. Those actions would help pour cold water on this situation where her reaction would potentially do the opposite...

Further, in my opinion it is both ethical and moral if you do it in a way that is honest, up-front, and transparent.

Except that it treats the girl who has a crush on him as a commodity for his own validation and disregards the emotional attachment she's already expressed. You can say "Well, he'd have to tell her he was just using her," but that doesn't change the fact that he would be using her. And even if that doesn't matter to you, she sounds like she's obsessive with poor judgment and boundaries, which spells a likelihood of ongoing trouble afterwards. I'm not implying OP would actually consider it, just pointing out the serious bunny boiler potential for anyone in a similar situation who does.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:19 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Yeah I don't really want to encourage any kind of communication at all with that other girl. I don't want anymore drama in my marriage, nor do I want drama among my group of friends. I will just let some time go by, and the next time I see her I'll just be friendly but distant.

My W doesn't think we need to work towards a better marriage. She was talking to me about a friend of our son's whose parents are divorcing. She was like "aren't you so glad that'll never be us?" I was like "ummm... yeah...of course...". Then earlier today she was talking about distant future plans, like after the kids move out. Selling our house and buying a small condo for just the 2 of us. I'm telling you, she thinks all is well. All is well for her, so all must be well.

Cocoplus5nuts, you wrote "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You deserve so much more. You deserve respect, love, passion." The thought that keeps me up at night. I realize that my current plan (lack thereof) of staying until the kids are grown up is not a good one. But for the life of me, I cannot justify ruining my kid's childhood just because Dad isn't getting the kind of sex he wants from Mom. I think about it everyday. To be with somebody who actually wants to be with me, sexually. To have sex with a woman, and not have her recoil in disgust by attempting any sort of touching that isn't P in V. To have somebody that I can share my interests with, instead of having them mocked. To not always have to be alone at social outings, while my other friends always bring their wives/girlfriends (my wife doesn't like my friends).

I am not sure what the solution is. Option 1 is to leave, and have my kids hate me for the rest of my life. Option 2 is to adopt a sort of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" type of situation. There unfortunately is no getting her to change. She is convinced she is RIGHT, and all other points of view are irrelevant.

One other truth that I know, for a FACT: The only way I will ever have good, passionate, mutually enjoyable sex again is if it's with somebody else. BUT... I can't cheat... so it looks like I am really stuck. I am sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. Maybe just had a bit of a bad day, emotionally. Thanks for talking to me everyone, it helps.

PS- Also, my wife has never done IC. We did MC for awhile... basically telling me all the ways the A was my fault, and that I need to forgive her and stop my 180 bullshit, etc.

Also, my wife has never done IC.

Perhaps it's time to change that..?

Hope your weekend goes better than your day's been, FG.

My W doesn't think we need to work towards a better marriage. She was talking to me about a friend of our son's whose parents are divorcing. She was like "aren't you so glad that'll never be us?" I was like "ummm... yeah...of course...". Then earlier today she was talking about distant future plans, like after the kids move out. Selling our house and buying a small condo for just the 2 of us. I'm telling you, she thinks all is well. All is well for her, so all must be well.

Why are you perpetuating the lie that everything is all hunkey dory? What if, instead of lying about your feelings, you had said to her, "why would you think that would never be us? Why would I want to continue living with you once the kids are grown?"

Do you think she would file for divorce immediately? Have another affair? Act out in other ways? Would she be gobsmacked by the truth?

Next time she brings up the future, what if you said you envisioned having passionate sex with a partner that desires you, and doesn't just lay their like a cadaver? Someone that actually WANTS to touch your body to bring you pleasure and enjoys you doing the same to them?

The thought that keeps me up at night. I realize that my current plan (lack thereof) of staying until the kids are grown up is not a good one. But for the life of me, I cannot justify ruining my kid's childhood just because Dad isn't getting the kind of sex he wants from Mom. I think about it everyday. To be with somebody who actually wants to be with me, sexually. To have sex with a woman, and not have her recoil in disgust by attempting any sort of touching that isn't P in V. To have somebody that I can share my interests with, instead of having them mocked. To not always have to be alone at social outings, while my other friends always bring their wives/girlfriends (my wife doesn't like my friends).

But is it really just about sex though? It sounds like she's not very nice to you. She puts you down, doesn't want to spend time or make an effort with you and your friends, doesn't want to show you affection, doesn't want to work on being a safe and remorseful partner.

I am not sure what the solution is. Option 1 is to leave, and have my kids hate me for the rest of my life. Option 2 is to adopt a sort of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" type of situation. There unfortunately is no getting her to change. She is convinced she is RIGHT, and all other points of view are irrelevant.

Option 3? Be radically honest about how you're feeling and how you view your relationship. You don't have to expect any changes from her, but you don't have to grin and bear her putting you down.

And/or option 4? Ethical non-monogamy/polyamory. Tell her this situation/compromise obviously isn't making either of you happy, so you'd like to continue living as co-parents/roommates, but you want to stop having sex with her and seek relationships elsewhere. As such, she is welcome to do the same. There's no lying, no hiding, no denying, no gaslighting. You're upfront with your casual partner(s) about your situation. How do you think your WW would react to such a suggestion? It would absolve her from having sex with you, which, by your description, sounds like she doesn't really enjoy and only does out of obligation.