SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ibonnie

Jimmy, WTF! And then his wife went on to cheat. Is that the behavior he should emulate? Do two wrongs make a right? No!

I am at 20 months out. I am a little angry and I would like to get a little payback!!

Fenderguy

You said that OM has Had other two OWs

And were those two women married.?

If yes what happened to.them

And what happened to.OM marriage.

Okay whenever i start reading your. Posts my head starts spining because i just wonder how can three.women were with him. Is he some kind of a cassanova or celebrity. Was he handsome?

Update here, not a good one;

Wife said that she just feels completely asexual. That it kills her inside because it causes me so much pain, and it's caused so many problems in our marriage. That she misses the days when she could enjoy sex. I suggest that maybe it's just me that she's not attracted to, and that made her very angry and hurt.

I told her I cannot have pity sex with her any longer. Even when she initiates out of a sense of obligation, I can't really enjoy myself because I feel like I'm raping her. It's not fun having sex with somebody who doesn't want to. Claims that me touching her breasts or vagina makes her panic or something, and she visibly cringes. (Edit to add* no history of sexual abuse).

So there it is. No sugar-coating. She just plain does not enjoy sex. She still wants to have sex, but how can I? How the fuck can I continue to have sex with her knowing that she feels this way? I'd rather not make her suffer through another session of sex. She claims to have spoken to her doctors about it several times, they just say "that's very normal." For a woman in her mid 30s (actually she was roughly 30 when this began) to completely lose interest in sex is not normal.

Part of me feels bad for her, as she seems to genuinely hate that she has no sex drive. The other part of me thinks "Boy, didn't I hit the fucking jackpot... a wife that never wants to have sex at the ripe old age of 34... niiiiiice...".

So at this point, we're just not going to have sex for awhile. My idea. I can't do it. Anybody have any advice? I realize this isn't really an infidelity problem anymore, but I don't really know who else to talk to about this. Anyway, thanks for listening/reading.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 6:58 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

Sorry to hear this Fender. I'm by no means a Dr. but early 30's healthy woman and the Dr. say its perfectly normal?? Maybe try a different Dr.

Just like all professions, there are good and bad.

I totally understand you not wanting to have sex with your WW. I would feel exactly the same. I have no idea what I would do.

I’m literally researching ways to lower my sex drive. Masturbating 3-4 times a day can’t be healthy, but neither is raping your wife. I realize this is still fresh because we just had the conversation. I just feel like I walked into a prison cell, and the door just locked. I haven’t truly felt this way until right now. Am I really never going to have decent sex with a willing partner again? Am I seriously doomed to jerk off while watching other people fuck for the rest of my life? FFS, I am only 38!!!

Oh boy, I’m spiraling. Hopefully tomorrow I can just go to work, smoke a few cigarettes and get my mind on something else, and I’ll feel better about my situation.

I agree with suggestion to see another doctor. She should check her hormones and make sure levels are in line with her age not with general scale

Yeah, I'm in my early 30s and very open with my friends about sex. We're all having it, or wanting to have more (kids, exhaustion, traveling for work gets in the way). I obviously don't know every 30-something woman, but I would be curious if they're saying it's normal because she's saying she's asexual?

Fenderguy, I'm so sorry. I know you've shot down divorce many times, but if you two get along otherwise, how would you both feel about an open marriage situation? Or could you buy a two family house near you, or a house with like a nanny or MIL suite and cohabitate and raise the kids together, but each have your own relationships (is she aromantic, to? You've said she's not big on affection?).

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this shitty situation. I hope you two can come to some sort of compromise that works for you both.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 7:52 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

I don't think it was that long ago that she was asking you to install a mattress in the family minivan for the specific purpose of having sex with her boyfriend on it. In other words, she was being pretty proactive about sex with him.

Perhaps you ask if she can explain the apparent contrast?

It actually wasn’t my wife who asked to install a mattress in her van. I can’t remember who that was, but I remember that thread.

My WW did apparently give the OM. A handjob in our van once, because his OBS came home for the day unexpectedly.

I second getting a new doctor. It is not normal to have a sex drive for years and then lose it at 30. Is she on birth control? Some long term birth controls are known for causing lack of sex drive.

Anybody have any advice?

People won't agree with this, but it has been true with me and other women that I know. A husband who is overly into you, overly reliable, and overly "Mr. Nice Guy" can keep a woman's love but lose her lust. There's no thrill, no chase, no need for her to even try; in fact, she can get irritated at tripping over his help and attention. She can love her man but miss him, miss when he used to be busy, popular, mysterious, or passionate about his hobbies and friends. She remembers that guy and sighs.

When that same guy stops being overly into you and instead gets pretty busy with his own interests and life, stops being overly reliable because he's got things going on, things that are important to him and his life, and stops being overly nice and instead is just nice as he lives his best life, he regains that air of popularity, mystery, passion and energy. She has to work a little harder, add a little more lip gloss, and pat his rear end a little more often to get his attention or a minute of his time. And it's not a bad thing--it's a freaking sexy thing.

Before you call for more hormones or a divorce lawyer, what about pretending that you are now completely in charge of your own happiness and her wants are no longer a consideration? What would you do? Who would you be? How would you spend your time? Bike race? Marathon? Cooking class? New business? Build a new home? Paint? Tatoo artist? Kayak trip? Hunting? Golf pro? Harley Davidson? Corvette club? Politics? School Board maybe? My guess is that that guy, that interesting and busy and unavailable guy, will get her juices flowing real fast. If not, you'll still have a very full, happy life and an easier time divorcing.

I’m literally researching ways to lower my sex drive. Masturbating 3-4 times a day can’t be healthy,

I'm no expert, but masturbating isn't going to lower your sex drive, is it? It's actually encouraging the continuation of sexual release by the continuation of the action itself, surely? The more you think about it, the more it's on your mind, the more youll do it... What do people who work away for long periods of time do about it?

You might want to check out and read “no more mister nice guy”.

She claims to have spoken to her doctors about it several times, they just say "that's very normal." For a woman in her mid 30s (actually she was roughly 30 when this began) to completely lose interest in sex is not normal.

Unfortunately, it's all too common for doctors to dismiss our concerns as "normal for a woman your age".

You might imagine just how much worse that gets when we're actually dealing with menopause. As you know, most doctors schedule in increments of 15 minutes, then when our test results come back from the lab, they spend about 5 reviewing them for abnormalities. It's difficult to get help... but not impossible. Sometimes we need to get additional opinions and sometimes we need to change tactics. It does sound like your wife WANTS to change the sexual dynamic in your relationship though, so that's good.

Two things you might consider...

1) Schedule an appointment with a qualified sex therapist. At that point, you're dealing with a specialist who can help you determine whether the problem is psychological and will also be in possession of informational resources local to your area.

2) Look into "bioidentical hormones". You'd need to research whatever facility you're interested in and make sure they have a good reputation. Typically, they would run a fairly comprehensive hormone panel and then tailor the supplement to it. There are several delivery systems, but often it involves a small incision to the skin where a dissoluble pellet is inserted. These services are not usually paid by health insurers, so it can be expensive. I haven't tried it myself, but I do know of a couple of people who have and they're very happy with the results.

The good news appears to be that your wife is motivated to make changes. The bad news is that it really does sound like you're going to need outside help. If you do nothing, nothing changes.

My best friend is married to an asexual woman both early 40s. He's generally happy, they have a kid and she's a delightful person. They just never have sex. He uses porn to take care of himself and it's been this way for many years.

It could be psychological, could be medical (hormones) but she just won't take any positive steps toward fixing it and my buddy just deals with it. Sometimes I think as his friend I see it as a bigger issue than he does.

Seconding the advice that this is something that requires medical attention. Therapy and medical. This is not normal.

Having said that the fact that she'd do this for you so often, when she doesn't want it, is IMHO an act of love. It "kills her inside" That's a sign of hope. Will she take the steps she needs to with therapy and a doctor? What can you take and for how long?

Just like the fall out from DDay this seems to be like a thing to really assess in 6 months after a lot of work (assuming she does the work). And if it doesn't, well then you're back to D or open marriage or just no sex. Not appealing options at all but also not the time to consider any of them just yet. Bottom line is she's being honest about the problem... now will she take the steps to fix it?

I am really sorry it has came to this but you at least know what is going on. Its better than silence and followed by fighting. I agree with ChamomileTea. I would talk to her about those things and see if she is open to doing that. If she is not then you might want to talk about just getting a divorce. I doubt you just suffering will work out in the long run. The resentment you would build over time wouldn't be something I would want to deal with in the long run.

I cant even imagine how I would feel in your shoes. Not only did she cheat on you she basically is shutting down something that I feel is a basic need in my relationship. I personally wouldn't be able to move forward if my wife just said no more. Lets hope yours is willing to keep working on it.

Before you call a divorce attorney, why don't you act and treat her as if you have had it, that you can't live this way and are going to get a divorce? We sometimes call this having firm boundaries or doing the 180, and I heard it's fairly helpful.

FenderGuy,

I hope you can find happiness. But I want it to be an honesty based happiness, not based on you just working to accept anything and everything and stuffing your feelings. Gently, you were flirting with that girl in the bar, and the fact that you lack awareness of that is concerning to me.

I can't look into your WW's brain, heart, or biological functioning, but her latest actions smell like a power play to me. She's fed up with being in the wrong and wants the power in the relationship back. You have to decide if you want to put up with that sort of relationship, or pursue alternatives.

Hi Fenderguy, I don't have any experience in this arena so I don't have any recommendations or advice but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I can't imagine how devastating it must feel to be told that your wife no longer has any interest in having sex with you. That she would visibly cringe when you touch her (presumably in a loving manner), makes me really sad for you. To experience this kind of rejection AFTER the rejection of infidelity must just be crushing. ((Fenderguy))

Totally separate and aside - 3-4 times a day? Really? We're similar in age - that seems like A LOT.

Sorry about your situation Fender.

While reading you thread there was only one thing that kept coming to my mind. "I'll bet she didn't act this way with the other man."

I don't think your wife has a problem with sex. I noted that she mocks your interests and mocks the idea that another woman would be interested in you. And now she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Your wife has issues. For whatever reason she doesn't feel like you're a catch. I note that you're waiting for the kids to grow up so you can divorce. Have you considered that's what your wife might be doing also? She's now going to the extent of saying she's "asexual". Cheaters are the furthest thing from asexual you can get. She creating an excuse for not putting the work in to make your relationship better. Read 'narcissist'; read 'lazy'; read 'loveless'.

I think she's setting up a scenario where it just makes sense to divorce. I'm thinking that she may have received such a mental rush from her affair that she's been sliding into depression ever sense because the affair overshadowed the rush she received from you before the affair.

The only way for her to get that rush again is to either have a change of heart and realize the great life and family that she has, or effect a divorce so she get a rush from other men. The easier one in her mind is to stay in depression and make shit up about her motives.

Your wife can be helped but someone's going to need to get her off of her ass and to a counselor to figure out why she's throwing the towel in on a happy marriage. They also need to figure out what she's been reading and viewing, and what her friends are telling her. Attitudes like hers have origins and facilitators.

You on the other hand seem to have your shit somewhat together so don't allow anyone to plant the idea in your head that you're somehow broken or in the wrong. Also, if women are starting to pay attention to you, it's usually because your looks have improved with age, you're a good conversationalist, you look more financially established, or a combination of those. It has nothing to do with some mystical sign that you're looking for attention. Like your friend said, it's more likely because you're confident and aren't trying to get into their pants. With that in mind, it's not your job to scare them away. Continue to be polite and conversive; you're not doing anything wrong and it's not a 'gateway' into lasciviousness.

Always remember that you are the prize. Don't believe your depressed, ignoramus wife when she's mocking and trying to dull your self-image. You are worth much more than she is. Don't forget it. The key to happiness is to pursue your vision and interests without regard for those who try to drag you back down. Never allow anyone to determine your attitude or behavior. If they don't like what you have to say or do, then they can leave. When you look back at your life in ten years, have as few regrets as possible. Do that by doing and being what makes you happy, and shedding anyone and everyone that don't support your well-being.

Take care of yourself.