SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear Tallgirl,

Yes, I feel utterly changed by this. You'd have to be made of stone to not have this affect the absolute core of your being.

I agree with so many of the posters' comments above. I am a stronger person for what I have experienced. However, I wished I had not been put through this hell of infidelity and would never choose it. The fact that I've found some good out of all of this reflects well on me (and I know STBXH would take credit for my new found strength, because he's an entitled inidividual).

However I hope I'm not being too forward here, but I wanted to focus on something else, this comment:

Someone recently commented that I have changed. I was taken back for two reasons, it felt like a negative statement and they know about the affair. I honestly expected a supportive not a negative view

Who is this person? Yes, what they said may have some validity. Or not. They feel entitled (that word again!) to pass a personal, negative comment about you. In this situation I would feel disturbed because they were bumping up against personal boundaries inappropriately.

Before D-Day, some friends of STBXH's felt free to say very demeaning things about me, in the guise of "helping". Just enough truth to be able to get away with it. Comments like "you're such a people pleaser WoP, and nobody respects that". I would say nothing but feel mortified, go home and examine exactly what I'd done wrong to deserve judgement like this. In my new life, I've dumped all of these loser people out of my life. I try to please people who are worthy of my time and love, and nobody else. I have far more energy not hanging around psychic vampires.

The biggest change is that I am separated from a man who I slept next to for more than 30 years who could brutally betray me in a public way over and over again while plotting with several people to strip me of a home I inherited all the while having online sex and then unprotected sex in a hotel with a stranger he really knew nothing about (I actually now probably know more about the truth about her from talking with her xh and legal Google and Facebook searches than he ever did) and then lying to me exposing me to the possibility of stds.

And that is just the tip of the iceburg.

Funny thing is people tell me I look great..even beautiful now...

let that sink in

I still struggle with life threatening trauma from his infidelity betrayal and the smearing by him and the bullying by proxy from his online private Facebook "friends" but funny thing, I have not had anyone scream at me until they were spewing spit in my face since he left.

I do feel paralyzing fear at the thought of ever trusting another man, but that is to be expected I imagine.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 10:53 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

It would take me a lot less time to explain how the A has NOT changed me.

It's never ceased to amaze me just how powerfully the betrayal of infidelity affects people. Myself included. It strikes at the very core of our being. I don't think I could accurately explain why, but I sure as shit know that it does.

Aside from the emotional and psychological damage that is caused by the betrayal itself...

It seems to me that most people are ill-equipped to deal with the trauma. And why should they be? It's not a common occurrence and it's not like they teach this shit in college, either. It's largely treated with disdain in movies and on television. It makes for juicy headlines on the tabloid covers. It's a secret kept by way too many people in our society.

Worse still, the trauma itself tends to trigger our past traumas, ones that we might have believed we'd resolved long ago. Which makes sense, really. When encountered with... well, just about anything... our brains automatically makes associations. If I mention, for instance, going to the pool, you're probably picturing your own pool, the sites, sounds and smells (coconut sun block, anyone?), and so on and so forth. Now, you're going through a severe emotional and psychological trauma so, naturally, you're brain makes associations with other traumas in your life. Nice, huh?

And then there's the social element to all of this craziness. It's hard to be sociable when you're thoroughly un-fucking-hinged, you know?

Family and friends who know versus those who don't. The illusion we create (perhaps that's just me) when we're around our friends and family.

And so on and so forth...

Am I being a little over-dramatic?

As we put ourselves and our lives back together, as we redefine the meanings of love and marriage, as we adjust to a largely new and unknown reality, we are forced to learn, not just about surviving infidelity, but about ourselves.

As some philosopher, whose name was not Bruce, once wrote: "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger."

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Again, I could list the ways that all of this hasn't changed me a lot quicker.

ETA: I'll tell you one of the biggest changes I've gone through. Before d-day, I swear the older I got the more misanthropic I became. Today, I'm a volunteer guide on anonymous message board support group thing and I actually talk about real life shit with friends. Weird, huh?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:37 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

It's not a common occurrence and it's not like they teach this shit in college, either.

I wonder about that. EAs aren't things people probably consider when talking about infidelity.

Plus there are probably a lot of people that don't talk about it, don't know, or arent as affected as we are.

How have I changed...

Feel like I have PTSD. I hardly ever cried and now I can't stop. Hard to function some days. I'm still in the storm if it all. I'm sitting outside a registry, waiting to finalize the divorce as I type. Been very depressed this week.

I've lost most of my patience, especially for people saying stupid shit or lying. That's good and bad, because my job requires patience.

I feel bad for my two cats that I can't rehome. One I still adore but my relationship with my older cat is dead and I feel trapped caring for him. I absolutely hate him. He's a sweet cat though, and I feel horrible admitting I hate him.

Sleep isn't as good as it used to be. I wake up every day at about 5 or 6 and sometimeas get back to bed.

Can't control my eating. Went from a high sexual drive to none. I don't trust other people. I question their motives.

Motive questioning seems to be common amongst us, heh.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 1:32 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

The A destroyed me... it took so much away from me... my control, my resolve, my sanity etc... I’m still working hard to restore those... I have PTSD, GAD, and severe Depression... I take meds for all of that... I also have awful insomnia and nightmares... still in IC...

The good: I found my niche in fitness and nutrition. I workout a ton and in great shape... going back to school to become a licensed Nutritionist. I don’t take crap from anyone, I say what I mean and mean what I say... I may come off as a bitch to a lot of people so long as they get the picture. Ex knows better than to come at me with ANYTHING that sounds even remotely demanding or demeaning. Refocusing on my faith and being the best mother I can be, alone.

The bad: still scared to go out, especially alone. Still carry my gun. Still don’t trust anyone, especially men... Still get panic attacks... seizures disorder flared up when I’m completely overwhelmed... hyperthyroidism is a real pain and medication for that has some dangerous side effects..

The ugly: I hate ex and wish everyday he could get hit by a bus... working on this in IC... ... everything he did, everything he took from his son... he gets to live his life without anymore consequences...

I have been betrayed twice. I divorced husband #1. also discovered after years of marriage that husband #1 wanted to live as a woman..

Still trying to figure things out with husband #2

Thought I would never be in this situation again. Thought I knew all the red flag. Being betrayed by husband number #2 hit me so much harder. We get along great, work well together blah blah. Ppl would tell me how crazy he is about me. But it did t keep him from cheating. In fact he was cheating with married woman for years before he proposed to me.

So now I don’t always trust what is going on in my life. Are things really as they seem? I don’t trust ppl. Don’t trust who they say they are. I’m withdrawn. Stuck in fight or flight.

Living like a nun with husband number #2 bc I’m traumatized by the cheating not sure I can ever allow myself to get that close again.

Anxiety is terrible some days. never used to have problems with anxiety.

I am more understanding of other ppl and what they have gone through.

DDay was almost 8 years ago. I feel like I lost a lot of my self confidence and self esteem. I thought it would come back and it has to some degree but nowhere near pre-A levels

Socially, I have changed from a constant extrovert to a very rare occasion extrovert.

I choose my words very carefully and listen to others intently to try to decipher what they are REALLY saying and to root out bullshit mmediately

I call out my WW EVERY time she tries to place something on me that is clearly a HER issue.

I am quick to confront and stand my ground in any situation whereas historically I would let a lot slide.

Friends and family have noticed (very few know of our sitch and those that do, know why I am different now). The rest attribute it to me turning into an “old man”. So I am now the hard ass in a lot of people’s eyes. A complete 180 from pre-A me. My WW obviously knows exactly why this has happened and is smart enough to steer clear of the issue.

One thing that did not change is my love for my kids. If anything, this has made me cherish the moments with them even more. I see them as the best things in my life by far. My WW is not even in the same stratosphere.

Definitely changed. I’ve had a few comments from coworkers noticing it, but that is mostly because I hit the gym and got jacked. Physically, I’m in the best shape I have ever been in, but mentally, not so much lol.

I don’t trust anyone. I think if you get betrayed by the person you trust most in this world, it fucks with you a bit - you tend to think that family, friends, coworkers (who haven’t made any vows to you) could easily fuck you over. I decipher people’s motives, even if the situation has nothing to do with me.

I have difficulty connecting with people, I feel like an alien having been through the shit that I have been through, like no one understands. But then again, how could they.

I’m also a lot more straightforward and put a stop to any shit that I don’t agree with.

I get about 4 hours sleep and that is on a good day. I have difficulty concentrating as my mind wonders to STBXWW, the A, the AP, our relationship pre and post A. I live off coffee and Red Bull just to make it through the day. I have nightmares and started drinking heavily.

My weekends are blurs. I try not to drink during the week, but when I give in, my weekend starts on a Thursday as soon as I leave the office, only to return home on Sunday evening. I definitely drink to forget, to numb the pain.

I have no desire to be intimate with anyone, not even a kiss. Although, I like speaking to women, I will shut down any conversation as soon as it crosses a certain line.

[This message edited by Numb41 at 9:00 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

The main difference is that, while I've learned to risk being hurt again emotionally, I will NOT risk the "things" I've worked hard for as a demonstration of my devotion. I make sure I NEED nobody in that regard. I have my own money, my own retirement plan, my own house, cars, and everything else.

I will never allow the opportunity for the instability that can be caused when dependent on another for all or part of these things.

Due to infidelity, I changed at work and people noticed. It wasn’t a good change either. I was angry all the time, was short with people and some of my direct reports complained (rightfully so) to the point I was nearly fired.

I am now very different from that time. Antidepressants and anxiety meds have helped. I have regained the trust of my reports, as well as upper management.

For me personally, the A’s (we both had them) have pushed me into more of the red pill thinking. I no longer believe that a man/woman can have a successful relationship. Our needs are far to different and usually one person is going to feel that they are lacking something out of the relationship. I would never get M a third time, and will counsel my kids who are now 8 to think long and hard prior to getting M. Too much downside risk with a limited ceiling, especially after kids come into the M. If they decide to get M, that’s fine and totally their choice. I would at least suggest they marry someone with the same education level, same career aspirations and earning capacity.

I know my comments here are unpopular sometimes, but I have to be true to my beliefs. On a side note, our M is good now and maybe the best it’s ever been, but if I had to do it all over again, I would not have gotten M the first time or the second.

How have you changed? What have people said to you or observed?

I have changed for the better, although I am not sure that many people have noticed.

Because of the A and the associated mental health problems that I experienced, I am far more empathetic to other people and their struggles. I can usually guess when other people are struggling with their mental health and cut them some slack. I am way more likely to offer compliments and far more likely to tell someone to go easy on themselves when they are being self-critical.

I have a far greater understanding of me and what makes me happy. I am a people-pleaser. I regularly try to make other people smile and it really helps me. Most of these people are strangers... like the other day, I was in a hardware store and someone was trying to lift a toilet onto a cart. I asked if they needed help, with a smile, and when they said yes... I spent 10 seconds of my life helping them lift a toilet. They said thank you and I moved on.... but that was a highlight of my day, I promise.

I have a far greater understanding of other people's behavior when they are taking advantage of me and my people-pleasing nature. STBXWW really hates me these days because I now refuse to do her bidding. I am polite; I am cordial; but I don't do what she wants me to do. Similarly, I have a better boundaries with my mother.

I am much more mindful, much more relaxed. All of my therapists have recommended that I start a mindfulness practice and I have largely ignored their advice. In spite of me ignoring them, I have become much more mindful. I take my time when doing a task... I enjoy it for what it is... and I am not trying to hurry up and get it done so that I can move onto the next task.

Honestly, her A was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It just took me 30 months, during which time I suffered from clinical depression, to figure it all out.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 5:17 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Dear Tallgirl,

Thank you for starting this thread. So many changes.

I have changed so much I'm not sure who I am anymore, but I thought it was all internal. My adult kids don't know and haven't noticed much beyond my self improvement program, but my sister who is aware of how devastated I've been told me I had changed, I was harsher, less kind. It blew me into pieces and I started to cry because I thought I had been trying really hard to care for and appreciate the two people in my life who knew I was in pieces over my husband's betrayal and trickle truth. I asked how someone is supposed to come out of this? Kinder and gentler? Maybe?? But I was two raw months from dday 5 which was the oops, not three months but 6 years, and weeks from the last dday, which was that the affair never ended, it was over 8 years, reconciliation and marriage counseling were a farce, and that it only stopped after I confronted the AP and blew their secret life apart. I was pretty raw, and was not being unkind, just upset that she had told a family member I didn't want to know. I used my best communication techniques to tell her I was unhappy, but would get over it, I never raised my voice, just spoke my mind. She still has not forgiven me, things are tense. We have been best friends for decades.

I've recently told my best friend group, and they don't think I've changed much, except I cry easily if they hug me too long or are too kind and loving about my problems. They have been awesome and they all just say so you haven't killed him yet when they see us. They help me remember who I was, and who I am. Who I'm gonna be I'm still figuring out.

I feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to appease those who expect me to be a way I can't be any more. Does that make any sense? I have to call it like I see it, I don't bottle up a thing, I'm too full of holes.

My husband thinks I'm obsessed with the past and my obsession with my journals and my support groups and reading self help books, podcasts, etc. is only picking the scab and making me worse and hurting us. He thinks I can't just be happy and move forward and maybe he's right. All my OCD tendencies are stuck in high gear.

Every thought I have eventually ends up being about trying to make sense of an entire decade of my life, to reevaluate what I'm going to do with what is left of it, to figure out who the fuck my husband really is and if I'd rather be with him or without him. I'm mentally exhausted and sleep so much less than at any point in my life. I haven't been able to finish a book since this all started. I can binge watch Netflix all day and night. I liked my life a lot better when I thought I knew what was real in my closest relationship, so I'm much sadder and bitter than ever before. I'm working on that.

I'm suddenly prone to panic attacks over scary road situations and skinny tall bridges. I went from most likely to spring into action in an emergency to hyperventilating and handing my phone over during a crisis. Daughter had an accident in a snowstorm, I lost my shit for a day. I feel like everything is so fragile, and there is risk and fear everywhere. I have always been over protective and hyper vigilant, but this is over the top, even for me.

Also I have lost a ton of hair and lots of weight, my lowest in 15 years. I'm busier than I've ever been with everything and more and grabbing every spec of fun or interesting I can out of every day. I am carpe-ing the diem and smelling the roses. I used to be content, centered and balanced, now I'm a bit off kilter, a melancholy realist with an existential crisis in the works.

Yeah, I've changed and I'm still trying to decide which me I prefer. But if my sister needs me to coddle her when I'm going through this shit, she can think I'm mean. Maybe I am. Maybe I've earned it. I think we all have.

Everyone has been so honest and brave in your responses. Thank you.

I also feel encouraged how so many of you have come out of this despite the anguish - and many with personal improvement.

I don’t feel I am quite there yet. Maybe soon. But I am still standing! And that is an achievement!

Back here tomorrow. I am pooped after a long day. Thank you again

I used to like people. People ruined that.

I was sunny, cheerful, and positive. I used to enjoy being with my husband.

The cheating took all of it

I used to look forward to the future.

Now I’m waiting to die

I've has a lot of changes similar to ones already listed: much less trusting, more likely to call people on disrespectful or dishonest behavior, verbally sharp as a default with SAWH, have movie/tv/music/media triggers related to infidelity or sex. Increased tendencies to negative coping mechanisms (food, alcohol), diagnosed with CPTSD and major depression.

Positive changes: am learning positive coping mechanisms, improved boundaries, more willingness and ability to share emotions, unwilling to "take up less space" in my marriage by disappearing into the wallpaper, fewer default apologies to smooth things over.

It has made me face my fears.

Loved loved loved baseball. Thinking man's game. Pitcher's duels. The purity of the game.

The A ruined that. I cannot stomach a baseball game in any form or fashion. A trigger to this day.

I got to see who my true friends were. Sadly, my family quickly tired of my suffering. My weirdo neighbour was the one who pulled me through - god bless her. So now my family wonders why I’m reserved around them - I feel betrayed by them as well.

Ive also lost my rose coloured glasses - which is a good thing I think. I want to see reality - not rainbows and unicorns.

I have learnt that I can't trust his word at all, as he will still lie to cover up previous lies or shitty behaviour. Despite three years of telling me he is being honest, I know everything, etc. Why couldn't he have been a WS with enough integrity to actually stop lying? It's a horrible realisation. That I am alone when it counts, as it is impossible to get support or comfort from someone who you know will blatantly lie to you about their behaviour. I feel very alone. I will also have five weeks of paranoid hell while he works away. All his shitty behavior happened while he worked away, so why would this time be any different? Only difference this time is that I know he's probably up to something which I'll never find out about, since if he can't stop lying after three years of hell, he's not going to stop now. I'm constantly waiting for something else to happen, though I am unable to find out what. Not sure what that state is called, but it's very draining. Peace of mind is shot to pieces.

I'm a much more negative person about everything. I laugh less, although try to be happy with the kids. I cry at TV programs, which I didn't do before. I'm on an emotional hair trigger a lot of the time.

I'm not happy with myself, for putting so much of myself into the relationship (which has benefitted him greatly, but left me in a bad position), for not realizing what kind of a person he really was and how little he gave the relationship in return, and for not being in a position where I can step away from this shit and support myself.

I'm less likely to have sympathy for others, but esp him in any situation, now I know he only considered himself in many situations, and must have presented a very low opinion of me and his marriage to others (the only one in a group of male colleagues not to be wearing his wedding ring when out drinking, on another occasion a colleague remarking on how little he phoned home, bonding/spending time alone with/unnecessarily complimenting/messaging a female colleague he fantasised about and telling her it had to stop because I didn't like it... So much casual disrespect, on top of the porn and everything else. )

I have decreased respect for him, as he says he'll do something and doesn't. He will tell me he doesn't remember a conversation, so obviously doesn't really listen or pay attention to me. This has made me feel quite worthless. Not enough for him even before the A (when he went out intending a ons), not enough for him when he was bonding with various female colleagues and looking at naked women and dating profiles. He hasn't enough respect or care for me to tell the truth even now.

I'm trying to keep positive with hobbies and things I enjoy, but this means I have spent much more than I should in the past year. I've also put on a load of weight and got called into the doc about my latest blood results. I'm constantly stressed, due to thoughts about the A, his overall shitty behaviour and ongoing lies, and imminent time away.

Overall, a mess. No positive hopes for the future. But no one says anything because I usually put a good face on it.