SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I received a friend request on fb from the 2nd AP (AP#2) along with the following message exchange.

AP#2: Wool94,

After seeing you and your family the other day at the steak place, God has really pressed me to reach out to you.

I want to ask your forgiveness for my part in the junk that happened with your wife years ago. That was a very dark time for me. If you have ever gone through the valley, you know what it is like.

In the past year, God has shown me the depths of his mercy. He has shown me how to forgive myself and I am asking those I have offended to forgive me as well.

I hope your family is striving and closer than you have ever been. I pray that God’s face shines on you and and your family. I really do!

Do not feel the need to be my friend on Social media, I just wanted to make sure you receive this. Also, do not feel the need to even write me back. Your forgiveness is wanted, but not deserved.

Take care.

AP#2

Wool94: I'm praying on this very thing. Thank you for reaching out.

Wool94: AP#2, I've been trying to think about how to respond for several hours now. I lost years of my life due to yourself and AP#1.

I used to be just the most happy go lucky guy you ever met.

That was truly the most horrible time of my life.

It still haunts me daily, although not as badly now.

As I've always heard, forgiveness is for yourself and not for the one your actually forgiving.

I prayed for years that I could finally come to a place to forgive.

In the end, I don't want to answer my Maker when he asks me why I couldn't forgive. After all, He forgave us for so much more. I believe I forgive you although you'll never really know the damage you, my wife and AP#1 did.

Again, thank you for reaching out. I know you didn't have to.

AP#2: I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine the anger or the pain or torment.

I have also gone over and over in my mind. I was newly divorced and hurting. But that is no excuse for my words and actions.

It was a terrible decision and one I wish I could re-do daily.

Thank you for your forgiveness. And I believe you are right, unforgiveness only hurts the one holding on to the pain of the wrong.

I lost my wife, my relationship with my kids, my best friend and most of my family through my actions. Sin is never worth it.

As I said before, God has shown me how to repent, forgive, and move on with my life. I pray you can forgive and move on with a greater marriage, and purpose than you had before all of this.

I hope your response brought you some measure of peace, Wool. You didn't have to respond. I likely wouldn't have. But we do what WE need to continue to move forward. I hope your load feels just a bit lighter, today. I suspect it does .

Onward, Wool.

You're a better person than I am Wool because the OW could beg, plead, and crawl on her knees til bloody and I could not and will not ever forgive her. I will never forgive my WH. I'm still at a point where I view forgiveness as saying it was ok when it is far from that.

I believe there are things that are unforgivable in life. If every sin is to be forgiven then that means no consequence. I remember when John Gotti died and God's forgiveness was mentioned and I thought to myself really? So a mob boss can be forgiven? To me, faith and belief in a higher power is what should make people grounded. Have a moral compass and not commit something as heinous as infidelity. Knowing we will have to answer for our sins.

You handled this as eloquently as I would expect you to and it is a testament to who you are as a person.

How are you today?

That must be hard. It’s a struggle enough to forgive a WS, but a whole different conflict for the AP.

I commend you for your grace and civility you exhibited towards the OM. Most people would not be able to do that.

I hope it brings you peace and I hope moreso that you and your wife are in a better place now.

I do feel at a peace. MBB, I believe that everything or everyone has consequences.

My bible teaches that we have to answer for everyone we don't forgive.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14‭-‬15 NLT

That's not saying it was easy. It's taken me over 3 years to get to this point and I've had a rather remorseful spouse as well.

Let's see if AP #1 ever fesses up. That'll be the test of my forgiveness.

You showed so much grace and class in your response.

I've said before that broken people tend to find one another. This is an example. What kind of man does the shitty things AP2 did? A broken man.

I think this is awesome and hope it has brought you some peace. I sometimes feel like I'm in the minority here, because I don't hold much ill will towards the AP. I think she was stupid, but also a broken person, and would welcome a genuine apology if she was actively trying to become a less shitty person.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:59 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

I wish my H's AP would reach out to me like this. It would show me that she has a fucking conscience.

But I guess I can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first,,,,

You handled that very well. I got an apology from the MOW. I accepted it. Like butforthegrace said, broken people find broken people.

I wonder if he's been in a 12 step program. That sounds like making amends to me.

I think this is awesome and hope it has brought you some peace. I sometimes feel like I'm in the minority here, because I don't hold much ill will towards the AP. I think she was stupid, but also a broken person, and would welcome a genuine apology if she was actively trying to become a less shitty person.

I so agree with you ibonnie.

Wool94, your response was amazing.

I have always admired your insight and compassion. This exchange has made my awe and respect for you grow immensely!!

Thank you so much for sharing this with us ! It has HELPED more people than you may ever know .

That message sounded sincere, I hope it is. You handled it with so much grace. I hope it brought you some peace, if only a little.

I am going to post an email I got several years ago from AP on a different thread and see if my interpretation is wrong as I saw it as manipulative and insincere.

Thank y'all.

You’re a good man, Wool. Impressive way to handle it, and sounds like you are being authentic.

Thank you for sharing. Maybe it will help some of us let go of some of our anger.

You’re a good man Wool. You handled this with grace and I hope this helps you moving forward.

Wool truly grasping what forgiveness is most definitely is a process (as you pointed out). As a follower of Christ doing what he teaches us will never lead us down the wrong path.

Thanks for sharing this!!

That was a good post Wool.

There are (at the moment…) two people I have had a hard time with offering any form of forgiveness. One embezzled a start-up I and some friends had, nearly making me personally bankrupt. Took me several years of 2 jobs plus bar-security and bartending at weekends, plus having to sell our software’s development right before I finally cleared that mess up. Every day when I left my cheap, wrong-side of town rental apartment I looked over a bay to his house in the hills and thought vengeance. One day I realized that despite him not being in my life I still spent a good part of my time thinking about him, plus the thoughts were negative. I decided to change my thoughts. Rather than feel anger towards him I would feel pity. Pity because he had decided to be immoral and an @sshole. And then, after a couple of weeks of pity, it was easy to simply not think about him. That was my “forgiveness”. That was… wow… back in 1990-something…

About 8 years ago my CEO mentioned that he was interviewing for a manager position in the company I work for now. He asked me if I recognized some of the applicants and I saw that man’s name. I told the CEO that I would have a hard time working with him and he never got more than that first interview.

Have I forgiven him? Well… yes in the sense that I don’t spend time hating him or even thinking about him. To me that is a form of forgiveness.

What about the OM in my life? Heck… saved me from marrying that woman. Not only have I forgiven him, but if I were to recognize him on the street tomorrow I would probably buy him lunch and a drink!

I love each and every response, because it gives me a glimpse into each of your lives.

I feel as if anyone who can make it through what we've all survived or are surviving makes you some of the strongest people I know.

As you said in your own way, Bigger, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for what happened.

It was hell, but I'm stronger now than I've ever been in my life.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:31 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]