I think you are making a good start by being so open, and by taking responsibility for your own actions. You would be amazed how many wayward partners blame anything and everyone but themselves for their choices.
One factor that underpins reconciliation is perseverance, aka 'stick-to-it-ness'. From what you have written, it sounds like you are committed to trying to help your husband, and to repair the marriage if that is possible. That commitment needs to be paired with perseverance if it is going to be effective.
Everyone wishes they had a re-wind button in life to undo decisions that had disastrous results, but the reality is that they don't exist. All we can do is work with what is left in the aftermath, and see what can be built from it.
Be prepared for a bumpy ride. There may be times where your husband seems to be coming out of his low, and being more affectionate and communicative, and then he will suddenly hit a trigger and relapse back to where he was.
His moods may change on a regular basis. He may say some unpleasant things. Those things are not being said to hurt you, but because when the pain hits him, it seems like a way to vent it, and by venting it, to decrease it. Very similar to hitting your thumb with a hammer and releasing a few choice expletives.
And there will be times where all you can do is soak that up, and remind yourself that he is not being abusive; he is being tossed around emotionally like a ship on a stormy sea.
If there are times when it gets too much, take a break, go to your Dad's place, and come back the next day.
What many wayward spouses cannot fully understand is the internal struggle that people can go through when the thing they love the most is also the thing that hurt them the most.
They can end up sitting on a pendulum that keeps swinging back and forth. When the pain and the anger send them swinging away from you, the love they feel for you stops the swing and brings them back towards you. When they get back close to you, the pain and the hurt make them swing away again.
Back and forth, back and forth.
It can be hard to watch it happen, and exhausting for the person to whom it is happening. And it can seem hopeless at first, but it does change with time.
What I can see from your husband's thread is that he does love you, because if he didn't, he would have already filed for divorce and would probably not be talking to you at all.
He is just struggling with loving you, and struggling to figure out who you are. If you are truly committed to remaining with him, it will be up to you to prove to him that there is more to you than the woman who had the affair and told another man she loved him.
Hopefully the individual counseling will help you get a handle on why you slipped into the twilight world of lies and betrayal with a man who was clearly not a nice or genuine person at all. Chances are that you knew that, but because he flattered you, you chose not to think about his shortcomings too hard.
One thing that a lot of wayward wives say after their affairs is that they loved the way their affair partners made them feel, rather than loving their affair partners for who they were as people.
The relationship is sometimes likened to that between a drug pusher and an addict, in which an addict can build a relationship with a total and utter lowlife for the sake of the drug hit they provide.
What you need to do is figure out why you needed that hit so badly, and how to fix the cause of that craving so you no longer need it in future. If you do not, you may get involved with the next emotional drug peddler who comes along and identifies you as a soft target in the same way that your affair partner did.
One thing that is often said to people in reconciliation is, "Do not try to control the outcome". It is wise advice. It means, if he needs space, give him space. However, let him know that as soon as he feels ready, you want to be with him.
That can be hard to do if you are panicking about the ending of the relationship, but honestly, it is the best way to play it.
Reconciliation is a journey that consists of several stages, and you need to pass through each of them in sequence. You cannot jump from the beginning to the end without passing through the middle.
At the moment, you are at the beginning of that journey, so there is no point to focus on the end. Instead, put your energy into trying to reassure your husband and being open with him.
Right now he may feel the ground moving beneath his feet several times a day, as everything he once counted on suddenly feels like it is built on sand and not anchored down. Repeated reassurance, whether in words or actions (particularly the latter) will help to make the earthquakes reduce, both in frequency, and in their power.
The simple perseverance of remaining there for him through all of his mood swings will help him far more than it appears.
Stick with it, LD. There are several very wise ex-wayward wives who post a lot of useful advise to others in the same boat. Hopefully they will be along shortly, to give you the benefit of their experiences and thoughts.