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While similar in meaning, there is a slight difference between the words regret and remorse.

My WS initially expressed regret. She regretted being caught. She regretted giving up the POSOM. She regretted giving up the kibbles and bits. She once told me she regretted her affair (see above).

But it wasn't until this week, just shy of two years since D-day, that I have detected anything I would consider remorse.

This post is for BS's and WS's.

Did you experience regret or remorse? Did one transition into the other over a period of time?

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 4:52 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

I am at 4 years out. I sometimes see regret, but haven't seen anything even close to remorse. I honestly dont believe I ever will.

Neither, really.

Well, maybe some regret that he got caught and I blew up his double life. Other than that, nothing. *shrug*

In the first few weeks it was pure regret. It quickly turned into remorse. He never blamed me but wasn’t completely honest in the beginning.

He regretted I think that his boring hotel sex with a 26 year old was over and she wouldn’t have a problem replacing him. That soon faded when I placed the conditions on the table.

This is a bit trite, but regret is about hating the repercussions in her life, and remorse is about being mortified at the repercussions in your life.

Which are you seeing? From what you have said in your many posts here, I suspect it is not about you...

I am very sorry.

I can honestly say that after the first few weeks following DDay I see remorse. He is appalled by his behaviour and can’t believe how much he has hurt me. He is consistently doing what he can to put things right and be a safe husband. He tells me over and over that it was nothing to do with me, the fault lies entirely with him. I love him very much but I don’t think I could be trying R if he was solely regretful.

My stbew is remorseless. She showed regret after her first affair, but it was definitely the "I'm sorry I got caught" sort. This time she has zero regret. She is a complete sociopath.

My W said it took 5 months for her to begin to feel remorse. IMO, however, she began to act remorseful on d-day - getting honest, going NC, answering questions, listening to me as I slowly realized what has happened and how it would affect me and us, etc.

In her case, regret led to remorse, via remorseful behavior.

For a really insightful view, I just bumped the thread 'Beyond Regret and Remorse.' Read it.

I got remorse out of the gate. My wife was previously certain she was taking the secret of the A to her grave. Since she changed her mind and confessed, I think the moment she saw my reaction -- she stopped feeling bad for herself (regret) and felt horrible for causing my pain (remorse).

After being here a while, I realize that kind of instant remorse is rare.

I think your WS always knew she did wrong and there wasn't a way back, so she defiantly stayed with regret. Until you offered a chance she didn't think she would get.

I think remorse comes from 2 things - 1. being able to empathize with the spouse you betrayed and 2. being able to 'see' yourself and be honest about what you did.

Mine poured a lot of words on me in the days right after DDay: "You're the most important thing to me." "I want our marriage more than anything." "I want us to rebuild a better marriage." But even while he was saying these things, he was also telling me that I just needed to "deal" with the fact that he was now polyamorous and needed to go date and have sexual relationships with other women. WTAF?

Ultimately, I decided on separation because his words were just plain hot air - his actions were just plain atrocious. The blow that killed pete was when I found more flirting shit on his phone with a different person (1st was an 18 yo, second was 26) and confronted him about it and he got pissed at me for my "lack of trust" in him. Again, WTAF...

Almost 10 months out from Dday1. I can say that part of me knew weeks out last year that he had no remorse and only regret, but I just did not want to believe it or couldn't face it yet. I totally did the pickme dance but thankfully stopped that in early April. Currently we are getting ready to file for D. Sucks, but I don't see him ever being able to remove his head from his ass long enough to deal with the reality he created. Tho I do hope for his sake that he does the work on himself to turn things around.

I got regret and some relief immediately upon dday

However after repeated breaks in NC, and being hurt again and again I was done.

The day he faced the real consequences for his actions the day he realized he was going to lose everything his wife his family his home everything we had built together since we were teens. That's when the light went on. That is when he finally realized the pain he caused and how shitty it all was. That day he committed to doing the real work, and becoming aman of honor again.

The change was palpable. he was given one last chance. He did everything he could from that point forward.

Tushnurse — how did he realize he was going to lose you all? How long did the breaks in NC etc continue? My husband seems to get it and feel remorse consistently after about 3 months post DDay, but in face of my anger and hatred — he completely shut down about 6 months later. At this point I’m just sick of all of this. He lied again a few weeks ago and I just caught him (hesaid he wasn’t T work July 26 and I found a receipt tht showed he was shopping at the bicycle store downtown). Stupid lies but deliberate and there is zero trust. I am just feel almost done. The problem is we hVs 3 small children.

Tushnurse - how did he realize he was going to lose you all? How long did the breaks in NC etc continue? My husband seems to get it and feel remorse consistently after about 3 months post DDay, but in face of my anger and hatred - he completely shut down about 6 months later. At this point I'm just sick of all of this. He lied again a few weeks ago and I just caught him (hesaid he wasn't T work July 26 and I found a receipt tht showed he was shopping at the bicycle store downtown). Stupid lies but deliberate and there is zero trust. I am just feel almost done. The problem is we hVs 3 small children.

I think you are experiencing regret not remorse3/

Jan - he would do well for a while then get pissy when I would have a bad day. Everytime he expressed frustration I discovered a break in NC. Usually via text or email.

How did he realize he was about to lose everything? Well I walked in and without tears or yelling very calmly handed him my rings and told him to get whatever he needed and get out in the next 15 minutes. I would call later to let him know when. He could see the kids and my attorney would be in touch with next steps. I was ready to be done. Fear of the unknown was less than the pain of continuing to be a doormat.

Thanks Tushnurse. I think my issue is I’ve never approached it calmly. When I try to kick him out I am flooding and furious and I start throwing his things out of the dresser. In the beginning (first year) his clothes ended up on the front lawn for all the neighbours to see at least a half dozen times. Aefil, I know, but I was diagnosed with severe PTSD and I had 9-weeks of daily therapy last fall and was put on Prozac for 6 months. My husband had.a psychotic break prior to and during his 4-month affair, so I’m also dealing with psychotic, abusive, completely aberrant behaviour as well as the infidelity. Literally hiding cameras around the house and having silent communication with them behind my back etc. It was the most horrific thing I hope I ever endure. I lost 22 lbs BEFORE DDay due to the abuse (he would follow me around for 6 hours and berate me until I would vomit and he would laugh over my shoulder). I lived with a vile madman. Problem is, he seems to have descended into that realm again, in the face of my outrage/rage/pain. And he won’t willingly leave our home unless I actually divorce him, which I’m loathe to do. :(

36yg,

Just remember that not less than a week ago she was begging you to rugsweep this whole ordeal. ((NOT REMORSE))

I'm not saying she's not remorseful. But take everything with a huge grain of salt.

Does she know about SI?

I saw relief and regret mainly at the start. First glimmer of remorse was 5 days after he told me. He had apparently told her they had to cool it off but it was very much still potentially on the cards to continue. But he had a realisation moment that day when I simply said ok go. My ground rules are she doesnt meet our child for at least 6 months. I had the house valued and ready to market and had calmly explained I wasnt fighting for him. He was shocked and says it still hurts I was so ready to walk. I think he expected some time to keep both going wind the A up and return home unscathed. Think this was the first reality check. And in his mind it was done there and then and told her the next time he saw her. He was giving me half efforts so I gave nothing in return and that slapped him in the face.

Since then he has slipped between remorse and regret. More remorse as time has went on. But it's been hard to face. Hes very different to the person he used to be. Hes much kinder and empathetic patient to everyone. Not just people he wants to get something from. Guess he really saw a side of him he disliked. But parts of who he was and became are painful to face so at times regret steps in. Regrets he hurt me and what happened but unwilling to delve deeper. Once hes come to terms with it more remorse kicks in. But he has actively had to address things and find the remorse. His need to rebuild us and be honest with me is greater than his need for an easier life of denial and selfishness. So on the whole remorse is the main component. But its years of habit traits and behaviour so it hasnt gone over night. Its taken years of trying to rebalance and address it and will take more. He has still made mistakes. But his main concern is telling me and making it right and his emotions and actions show this. Whereas before his concern was to cover the mistakes and avoid the consequence and then regret them when he was found out or felt he had to tell me. So there definite change. And it's not always instant and linear.

Actually to be fair he decided to tell me so I wonder if he had some remorse. I think he needed to get it out and couldnt handle it ...he says he knew he wanted out but didnt know how. So I'm still not entirely sure I can class confessing as remorse rather than selfish regret. He says he knew what he wanted but didn't know how to do it or if it was even possible...the regret was telling him it was too late too much damage and that made him close down..

The counsellor we saw asked him why he came to me, rather than a friend etc. He said he knew I was the right path to help make a decision. He had lost touch with me and needed to reconnect with me to make sure he did the right thing..as he owed me it it was the right thing he coukdnt do it without me. Later he admitted he needed to know there might still be a chance for us. After the absolute fall out he stayed in regret because he couldnt face it. Infact he ran right into escape and denial. Rather than face it. So he comforted her and gave her tidbits to make himself feel better and skirted around me as we were such a car crash he didnt even know where to start and just made him feel awful...still in his selfish mindset. He said he wanted to run out the door and pretend he wanted to leave but when the option was given he knew he couldnt and didnt want to. I think remorse had a hold but I think selfish regret drove him for several months

Actions are going to tell you whether or not this is truly remorse, or yet another manipulation to try and get you to rugsweep.

I would solidify her offer into an enforceable post-nup.

I would then watch her actions. Does she voluntarily get herself into counseling? Is she willing to talk about the affair? Is she willing to challenge herself on her whys and figure out what made this course of action attractive to her? Does she empathize with you and your pain?

Frankly, my first reaction was that she is reading here, but I can be cynical like that (especially since you have seen nothing of remorse or responsibility in the last two years).

Tread carefully.

Cat

I ask if she knows about SI because we've seen WS's find out about SI and then change their behavior knowing the thoughts of the BS. New mask.