SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very very difficult to even put words to paper now as I found out recently, but I feel I need to try and may revisit later.

Both late 20s. Married 3yrs, together 6

Ill start with this, my wife (can't even type 'wife' without feeling ill) has a drinking problem. She likes to drink too much on occasion and gets to the point of not being able to take care of herself. Basically to the point of anyone saying to get in their car she would follow.

This is a problem we discussed openly and were working through together. I offered solutions, some tried, others ignored but it has gotten better over the years.

She has sworn that nothing "weird" has ever happened between coworkers ever or on any of her business trips. I have no concrete evidence, no other reason not to trust. It would just be going MIA, me worrying about her getting back to her room alright when out with coworkers, I didn't want to nag too much or control. And she has been seemingly great otherwise. We generally have/had a strong relationship and worked well together, both thoughtful and generally showing concern and validating each others feelings,was my best friend.

So there's that piece.

Now recently there was an optional work event, celebration that was later in evening. She was excited, I had conflicts and couldn't come, my friend was celebrating a birthday I committed to, she originally said shed come but eventually bailed to make the event with her coworkers. I understand it is important to network so I wasn't thrilled tbh but as far as I'm concerned that is her decision to make.

she says she is going with just three of her female friends, but no one else that she or I knew (I asked because it seemed strange a larger group didn't want to go like usual). Anyway, the event will go late, she plans on coming home after.

Night of event I text a few times to check in, but no response. I grow more and more concerned as hours tick by. Worried something is going on or something may have happened but not freaking out yet. I'll just paranoid. Finally well after midnight she sends a text that she is sorry, she got more drunk than expected and is just going to catch a ride to her g friends and stay at her house because it's close by.

Now I had gone to bed and woke up in early morning, freaking out that she is not next to me in bed and then see the text. I call, no response. Text. Etc. I'm very worried. I check location as we share that, it's off? Maybe it's a glitch and if she is at her friend's shes likely just sleeping.

I go to work before she comes home haven't been able to contact her. Very very concerned about her wellbeing and starting to get that sinking feeling. Wife finally calls next day says everything is fine and sorry. Just stayed at friends because drunk, didn't realize the location wasn't working. So so sorry.

You probably know where this is going... I was very upset. She vehemently stuck to the story. Later that same day I ask to see her phone. She gives willingly. Dig deep enough, find a thread to pull at and confront again. She comes clean, turns out a guy she knew came with and had always knew he would and... - she had sex with __ at his place. BOOM. Bricks. Crushed, shocked. Never felt anything like it.

She says this is only time, nothing else, I asked about the previous events and she said they flirted but nothing happened. I ask her to be honest, she says she is. Well I check her phone and see text convo was deleted but other things are there that point to at very least emotional infidelity going on for weeks, maybe longer. I was able to find text timestamps to each other at 1, 2am,well after we had gone to bed TOGETHER. Conversations started 6 months ago. Sporadic for 4,5 months. Very very frequent over the last two weeks, probably 20 to 40 texts a day. Sometimes texts very late at night. I have not confronted her about this yet. I don't have anything concrete concrete, just loose evidence and a gut feeling that there is more to the story.

She is very distraught and..regretful at least. I can't tell if she feels for me or is sad for herself. Doesn't have an explanation other than she messed up. Says she'll do anything to fix this, he is nothing etc. You're my everything I'm so dumb and what is wrong with me. I believe that. We are starting to work, talking through this and have sat down once since initial convo to discuss fairly diplomatically but nothing really came of it. I am very very concerned about the potential for this to be fixed and gut is telling me to RUN. Even though I know she does truly love me so much and I loved her too, so so much. But those feeling are anger, disgust and a strong desire to focus on myself and move on. Very torn. This will be difficult to impossible, I could start a new relationship in time with someone with a clean slate. But again there are so so many memories, feelings and as far as I was aware a strong and growing relationship that could be rekindled?

What do I do, where do I even begin here?

-I realize this is long and really do appreciate anyone who stuck with me and made it through all that text.

[This message edited by Awfulawfulday at 5:26 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Sorry this,happened. You need to be sure you are out of infedilty first. Look in the library articles here for the 180 process. It will get you started.

Has she sent a no contact letter to posom?

Do you have full access to phone and pc?

Does she work with posom? If so, she probably needs to leave the job.

Is posom married? Then contact his wife or,gf and inform her immediately.

Make your wife get tested for STDs. Yes, that is a must do. Immediately.

She planned this out carefully. You know that. It wasnt a drunken ONS. It was a ditch hubby and his party, then go bang the posom. You need to act firmly and seriously. You can D or R. Both are possible. But you cant rugsweep and successfully R. You have to work through this and she has to fix herself with IC and a lot of work to make her safe again.

You'll get through this, hang in there.

I’m sorry you are here joining us due to infidelity. But you will get great support and advice.

Right now you need to breathe. Just breathe. Do not make any decisions. No decision to divorce or reconcile or separate or anything permanent. You need time and right now you may be too emotionally charged to think clearly.

You can tell her to sleep in the couch or a separate bedroom but just until you get your act together so to speak.

Avoid drugs and alcohol. Only make things worse. One drink is okay. One too many is not a good idea right now.

Next - you may only have a bit of truth. They may have had sex more than once. You know this was planned. It was not a drunken one night stand.

She may be crying but you don’t know yet if it’s regret because she got caught or true remorse. Time will tell.

If she commits to the marriage you can recover from this infidelity. You both need your own counselors - one to support you and one to support her.

There is a book that can help her called “how to help your spouse heal” and it is full of helpful tips for things she can do. Now. If she stalls in reading it - not a good sign. If she doesn’t commit to making amends - another red flag.

Also she may need help with her drinking problem.

My advice to betrayed spouses who are young and don’t have kids is to RUN.

I’m going to stick to this advice again. Just, RUN, dude.

And inform the asshole’s wife or partner.

Also, let HR know.

[This message edited by Mene at 6:03 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

I agree with others, this was not a ONS (bad enough), she carefully planned this, he's a co-worker so she's been having an A for months based on what you posted, work As are notorious for "lunch quickies" in the car or nearby motel. No kids, only been married only 3 years, simply RUN from this alcoholic cheater and liar, you deserve much better.

I am heading straight to the drinking. It runs through your texts. She doesn’t have a drinking problem. She’s an alcoholic. She is a cheating alcoholic. Where do you go with that knowledge? She stayed gone for two days? I don’t see a marriage here. I see a man trying to parent his wife. That never works.

She comes clean, turns out a guy she knew came with and had always knew he would and... - she had sex with __ at his place.

It was planned. If you have to have proof do a deleted text recovery on her phone. Fonelab is a top rated system

She says this is only time, nothing else, I asked about the previous events and she said they flirted but nothing happened.

One thing all cheaters have in common. They lie a lot.

She's regretful she got caught. Nothing more.

If the other man is married inform his wife.

You should wake up get out of denial and see this for what it is. This early in ???? Probably shouldn't have married her in the first place. You made a mistake. Don't compound that by keeping yourself in this.

Since they work together it'll probably continue. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll stop.

It's up to you how long you want to wallow in this.

If you want a fairy tale buy a book or rent a movie. This is who she is.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:19 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Yes. I'm leaning towards run so if D is in future then obviously want to go smoothly as possible, not start anything with hr etc? And have things get ugly. Yes a coworker. And Idc what they do, seems like based on actions they both deserve each other and I deserve far better, so haven't asked to cut off communication or anything that's up to her. Somewhat indifferent as gut says run and I'm not leaning into the relationship at this point. Just asked that she not be around.

Yes very much planned,no doubt in my mind on that. Though she would like me to believe otherwise. Gut along with evidence points to her STILL withholding a lot of info. Not sharing phone info etc because asked her to leave and I'll let her decide, right now I don't care.

I'm getting tested. Already scheduled. Up to her to handle her own, that won't affect me for a long time if ever again. I've also reached out to a few therapists for myself. Have a session next week, something I've never done before. Obviously I'm emotional and I am trying to recognize that and try to keep the other door at least a little open in my mind but clearly struggling. Not sure who to talk to, do I bring up to any friends, family?

Agreed with Mene. Alcoholism and infidelity is enough. You don't have that much invested. Your instincts tell you to go. Follow them.

Hi, welcome to SI. Glad you found us, understand you will read some posts from members that will be difficult to hear.

She has a drinking problem.

She has a boundary problem.

She has a cheating problem.

She has a lying problem.

Gently, you cannot fix her.

More than likely she was having an emotional affair with this guy for months. Sleeping with him one time if he lives in the vicinity and she works with him is highly unlikely.

Are you certain it was a work event or an excuse to meet the other man? A bit odd that it happened on the same night you had a commitment. Just throwing it out there...

Keep in mind cheaters lie. Asking her to be honest is futile at this point. Cheaters ALWAYS minimize. You probably only have the tip of the iceberg.

Do you know who this guy is? Do they work together? If they work together, the affair will likely continue.

Focus on you right now.

I think your gut telling you to RUN speaks volumes.

Sorry to say, you have a selfish cheating wife. She drinks for selfish reasons. Starts and plans an A with POSOM. Only confesses to want is found. She isnt doing anything to help you heal. Time to cut bait and look after yourself. It hurts. She quite frankly fired you as her husband when she had sex with POSOM. Get your ducks in a row and get out of infidelity. Let her wallow in her shame. Just maybe she might get herself into AA for her drinking.

Wow. Thanks for the responses. Parenting comment hits home.. Among others.

Don't get me wrong 95% of the time it is committed and strong relationship. non alcoholic tendencies. It does feel like there could have been incidents but likely fling and not planned. Just feels planned like almost exploring the relationship emotionally more over past few weeks.

There are so many great qualities, friends all liked her a lot, family and so on, when things are good they're very good and by and large they have been. She is very distraught and I do believe she realized where her heart lies. However, I'm now second guessing everything and believe she is very broken and has been lying about so so much more,potentially faking to make things seem good. Never bringing up issues to work through them if she had them. What she did and how ridiculously deceitful it has been crosses so far over the line that any potentially redeeming qualities are falling so so short.

How can I expedite the healing process? Divorce? Any advice on how to broach with friends and family? I've read 180 and other items on this forum before posting. Never thought I'd be in this position,completely shocked and feel dumb I didn't pick up on it earlier.

Gently, it's very unlikely this was a ONS.

With no children involved personally I would surely D but easy for us to say since we're not emotionally invested. You don't need to decide today so I would not focus on that.

I would want to know all of the facts. Right now she's telling you only the minimum possible and hoping you'll rugsweep away the rest and move on. Don't do that.

I would ask her to write out a complete timeline of her relationship with her AP and I would also tell her if there was anyone else to include that too because you're going to take her and the timeline to a polygraph examiner to confirm what she's written is true.

I would also take her phone and run FoneLab to recover what are surely many deleted texts.

Is the AP married? If so you should tell his wife ASAP without telling your WW that you are doing so.

Reconciling is going to be extra difficult, as if it isn't already in most circumstances, because it sounds like your wife may be an alcoholic. With no kids involved and just the two of you, think it through very carefully if you want to put in all of this work with your cheating WW for the next 5 or whatever years.

It doesn't seem like it, but you're luckier than most around here - you're very young and have very little ties and a whole life ahead of you, potentially with a FAITHFUL wife in the future.

Hang in there brother.

She is trying, texting constantly, calling but I'm not responding.. , wants to talk, get counseling, seek help for the alcohol, would do anything I asked, quit job, stop comms etc etc but I'm not interested at this point or pushing for anything. Should I take her up on any of this? Is there a chance I'm making it worse than it seems in the heat of it and should hear her out?

Your biggest task is to assess whether she has it in her to re-build the marriage. If not, there is your answer. If she does, however, then you will have to decide whether to offer that. Some BSs find infidelity a deal-breaker even with a WS doing the work. Others can accept the remorse and the work and reconcile.

But the first step is to assess whether she has it in her to make the changes in herself. Read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair,” by Linda MacDonald. It will show you what you need to look for. Mark it up in the margins and give it to her with a day or two deadline to finish it and come talk to you. You will see very quickly where she stands on her commitment to DO the work (actions are what you look at, not words).

I am sorry you are here. This is what I would recommend.

1.) Sit her down and tell her she has 24 hours to tell you everything and 72 hours to write it all down. Tell her any omission or lies mean immediate D.

2.) Tell her No contact with OM to get her story straight. 1 call, text or email will mean divorce

3.) Pull all phone records from the cell provider for the last year or more.

4.) Take her cell phone from her now and get her a new one. Take it to a pro to have all deleted texts, etc recovered

5.) Get all her passwords to all her accounts. Check google search history, all app downloads from google Play, etc

Do you have kids? If not, file for divorce and walk away. The pain of staying and working through this will be far greater than anything you can imagine ...

There is a 99% chance that there is far more to this story than she is telling you.

Even though I know she does truly love me so much

No...no she doesn't. She has proven otherwise in spades.

Every cheater, before they take that final step into PA territory, they have an internal dialogue regarding whether or not they will go through with it. They weigh whether or not the juice will be worth the squeeze. They then think about what the chances are that their SO will leave them if caught. And then they cheat.

She may want her future to be with you, but they wasnt important enough to not cheat. She wants sex with him more than she wants you to stay with her. She has proven that. Only now that she's busted she's working on damage control.

Don't give her another chance. What will happen when you catch her again, but this time you have kids with her?

Right now your wayward is in self protection mode. She'll promise you the moon and back (pretty common) but that won't last long. She's distraught for herself because she got caught.

You need support badly. Close friends, family, etc. those that can trust. You didn't and had nothing to do with her actions.

Drunks are self destructive. The Infidelty wasn't caused by her drinking. That is another issue (it was a planned fuckfest). She wasn't drunk during the planning stage was she?

You need time to think this through. Many jump in offer R or jump into marriage counciling. DON'T !!!!!!!!

You didn't cause her issues/problems and you sure as hell cant fix them. I'm sorry, I'll never do it again is utter bullshit. Repeats and false R's happen all the time. These issues don't magically disappear because you found out.

You're young and only been Married a short time. R takes 2-5 years and zero guarantees. Life is very short. Don't waste it.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:22 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Should I take her up on any of this? Is there a chance I'm making it worse than it seems in the heat of it and should hear her out?

If your gut says run, then why bother with it all? What magical words will make her unfuck this guy? She has shown you who she is. Believe her.

She is a bing alcoholic that cheats. Do you want to spend the rest of you life checking up on her? Wondering if she has had a few too many and is blowing some other guy? Why sign yourself up for that?

At least she showed her true colors before you had kids.

She loves you.

And does she love herself? Love herself more? Love alcohol more?

Sometimes love just is not enough to make a marriage work. Please know that.