SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A third participant in this game of Infidelity is the Affair Partner.

Being SI, and that the AP is commonly something with no moral compass, we skip over it.

My WH’s 1996 AP was a bunny boiler. (Term from the movie Fatal Attraction). Realizing my WH had lied to her set her on a path to harm my family. She drove by our house, her hubby ran my car off the road, she called me at work a lot.

She didn’t let up until we moved

So, tell us about the bunny boiler(s) in your Infidelity experience

AP2 was a bunny boiler. She developed elaborate strategies to out the affair to me. Started with three anonymous letters which eventually named her as AP. I was still clueless and believed my WH’s lies denying it.

She upped her game and rang me pretending that “someone “ had left a message to call me back and that she didn’t know who I was. I took the opportunity to talk to her and ask her directly if it was true. I did so saying I that someone was taking the piss and she hesitated but denied the affair.

Fast forward a couple of months and she called me detailing the affair and more. She fantasied the affair making up events including that WH was suffering from cancer. At this stage it all came out with WH. Turns out there was s full on affair with AP1 which AP2 wasn’t aware of. AP2 was a ons that turned into a 3 year blackmailing ‘relationship ‘ always with the threat of outing WH to me.

Once all of the dirt was out though there was no need to continue any contact and that’s when she went full bunny boiler and I became public enemy no.1. Calls, letters continued for over a year even after police and lawyers were involved.

We have moved and keep our new contact details close. She is convinced they are star crossed lovers and that I only need to leave for them to be together. Quite frankly I remain concerned about her and the lengths she is capable of. Another’gift’ to me arising from WH’s actions.

Luckily Ive never had to deal with that, though if any of her APs had come at me I would have no problem dropping them with a double tap.

I am ex-military, shoot thousands of rounds a year, train regularly, am licensed and insured...I recommend that you take the time to prepare yourself if you ever have to resort to the final option.

Bunny boilers are not to be taken lightly.

Bunny boilers are not to be taken lightly.

I agree. It amazes me that it didn't occur to our CPs the immediate danger they were putting their families in. Partners have been murdered. Children have been murdered!

Yes, I call the OW a "Psycho" for a good reason.

They had a on/off 2 year PA. They met when he was on a business trip where she lived, 500 miles away from us. He would call it off, she'd wait about a month and get back in touch with him. They would meet up in different cities each time. A year into the affair she bought a house not only 15 minutes from us, but less than a mile from my parents! She flips houses and she said this was a great investment. In my hometown?!! This was the first clue to WH that she is psycho.

Finally, when he had enough and realized this isn't what he wanted, she wouldn't take no for an answer. He would block her number but she would still find a way to text. About 4 months after their last encounter and him finally dumping her ass, she realized that he really meant it. She started stalking him. He would get texts from random numbers saying "I know you are in (name of city)". WH brought his car into a mechanic for maintenance, and a stranger called the shop asking if they have his make of car there. The shop owner called WH and told the mechanic that he is being stalked and they must have put a tracker on his phone. We think she (or her PI) ran to the shop and took off the tracker before the mechanic had a chance to look because he didn't find it.

She is on a mission to break us up. Next, I get an anonymous phone call asking if I know my husband (used his name). She says he was staying over her girlfriend's house. I asked who this was and she hung up. Weeks later I get an anonymous letter in the regular mail stating that he's a cheater. Not only to me, but she mailed it to my mom!! We both get another letter about a month later. Our children could have gotten the mail that day and read it! WH is beyond livid. She is starting to make pictures of them on Facebook public.

This has to stop so we go straight to the police with all the letters and info. The police calls her, tells her she has to stop harassing me and my mom, stop contacting our whole family through phone, text, mail, or in person. If she does, we will go straight back to the police and file a report. She denies it is her. When the cop called me back he even chuckled when he said that she denied it. The Facebook pictures are now private again (I am told from a friend, I blocked her on Facebook). That friend checks her Facebook page once in awhile to let me know if there is anything suspicious. She's still living right by us, which freaks me out. We have security cameras outside our house now because of this psycho.

Pretty sure AP1 is a sandwich short of a picnic. Told my Xwh before he left to tell her if she had any thoughts of showing up on my doorstep to let her know I have no problem defending myself and it would not end well for her. She's terrified of me anyways so I doubt that would ever come to pass... Even though part of me wishes it would because I would dearly love to beat the snot out of her.

This is the best advice I give to all young men (my cousins, friends, residents when I was an RA): "Don't stick your dick in crazy." Very few of them heed that until it's too late.

Well I call my WH’s AP psycho due to her behaviour after dday 1 and her ramped up crazy behaviour after dday 2. I won’t go into all the details as it is painful but the worst would be publishing our address on FB, publishing all the affair details on FB, uploading random pictures of my home town (although I live in the UK I am not born here) which puzzled me completely, was I meant to believe she was there, and if so... it isn’t my private city, suit yourself. Posting pictures and claiming she’s on holiday in the same spot as us in a European country and that she met a man and got engaged there all in one week. These are only a few of her acts.

We did have the police involved and lived in fear that either our house would have a brick put through a window or our cars would be damaged.

I only want to say one thing though: remember who made them this crazy. I strongly think that although the ow’s behaviour was pathetic and psychotic, I also know that what my WH did to me with his lying and gaslighting was crazy making. And although I believe her excuse was none (she knew he was married), my WH treated this woman despicable (as he did me) and with her previous mental health issues I’m not amazed that it pushed her over the edge. Her dramatic and painful life should have warned my WH to stay away from hurting her (well that and the fact that he was married), and while I can’t ever forgive her for my living in fear that she’ll show up at my door in the middle of the night and terrify my kids (which she even told WH she wanted to do one night but changed her mind in the car) I can’t only blame her.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 7:55 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I confronted my wife's AP in the lobby of the hotel in which he worked. It was a public confrontation and he was humiliated when I said in a loud voice, "So that's your game? Sexually preying on vulnerable married women in AA?"

He ordered me off the premises, to which I happily complied.

He then began texting my then wife, making veiled threats of violence against not just me, but our family. He was a combat vet and knew how to use a weapon, so that was a bit scary.

But it sure took the bloom off that shit rose.

One of the threats ow used was that she would get me arrested and convicted of some unnamed terrible crime. Fortunately, that hasn't happened.

I still insisted my W end the A. My reading of mystery and spy stories has taught me not to give in to blackmail, since the demands are too likely to keep escalating.

I never forget that my W is an ap/ow. I never forget that ow affaired down with my W.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:39 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Sisoon,

Threatening false arrest is a crime.

Did you do anything about OW?

I never forget that my W is an ap/ow. I never forget that ow affaired down with my W.

Yes!

Should ask ow shes on here reading my posts 2.5 years later.

I definitely dont think I've had as dangerous a bunny boiler as some. But the interference was similar to gaslighting, she was cruel and deliberately so. Yet still thinks shes a victim entirely.

So after dday she was all I'm so sorry please leave me alone -wouldn't answer any direct questions without vague leading replies which only left more questions or doubt and made it sound like there was "more" I didnt know. I know I know should never have thought she was worth trusting on this. That's entirely my fault for poor judgement. I assumed he was the biggest liar out them both.

Anyway we choose to move on. Then the social media interference started. She unblocked me when I stopped asking questions. Obviously blindingly clear now it was to evoke a reaction. Stupidly it worked as I took it as a sign she had her side of he story to tell which might contradict what he said...but she had nothing to add. Except more empty doubts and games. Then several months past with nothing.

Then it was a 9 month continuous social media campaign with quotes, posts, pictures. All alluding to things I was insecure about and feared. They tapped right into things I was struggling with at that time. It made me feel very much still in dday hypervigilence and unable to remove her from my life or move past that crisis stage. I'm not sure exactly what her intentions were but it wasnt in the way she claims to be. She claims to be sorry and a good person. Yet when I left her alone and tried to rebuild my life she would allude to me living a lie and ignoring the truth. When hes told me 5 days after dday he knows he doesnt and never did love her shes Harping on about love quotes. I'm querying if I know the whole story or if hes lying and shes writing I'm believing and living lies. It was crazy making stuff. When you're hearing and seeing one thing then shes on the outside reflecting back a different reality it's a mind fuck.

Eventually I got fed up and called her out on it. She backed down and apologised but kept the same cat and mouse game alive with what I worry and what she knows but cant or wont say. But again never any real substance to it. I was bored by now. Now I realised it was a game.

Again I cut her off. But this time I didnt feel crazy or gaslit as I see her for what shes doing.

She reaches out for contact with wh I flip and react in a vengeful way. She approaches police in an attempt to get me in trouble. Despite her games and goading. She still is the victim.

I cut her off again. This time I get the breathing space and I really cut her off I stop watching social media I get her out my head I realise the game I've let her play and I've made so much progress as a result. We have made much more progress thankfully from where we were then.

Then fake social media profiles trying to follow me or accidentally liking old posts appear. Again evidence it's her. A friend checks her sm again backs up shes behaving in a way to make me think this attempt to invade my privacy is her. Trying to evoke something I guess. Ignored.

Then few weeks ago she turns up in a place wh is regularly she normally has no interest in that hobby and confronts him about me saying false things. Shes rants on broken and unstable in a crazy way. All about me and what I've said. And what shes angry about is something shes misinterpreted not even something I've actually said or meant...but its directly from a post on here....she spent time finding me and 2.5 years later still reading and watching despite my posts being less frequent by then. And few weeks after the misinterpreted post on here she turns up somewhere he is and confronts him like shes showing me up. It was bizarre. I've said alot worse and what she claimed would be untrue guess this is why she felt justified to confront him on it. But it was entirely not what was said or implied. Almost ironic imagine me implying or writing something that makes her question who she is or what's happened and her being so angry to come confront him...yet she spent at least 9 months maybe longer as I stopped looking, doing the same repeatedly to me?

But the penny dropped I had suspicions due to the speed of police involvement she was on here. But I dismissed it as being paranoid but no straight from her shes here and shes reading and she used all my fears and insecurities I posted here when I was broken and trying to figure my way through the pain. It coincided with what I wrote on here with what she would post to make me feel like my insecurities were real. She made me keep living in the trauma and fear. She continued to make me question my judgements and sanity. Absolutely disgusting. We have a child and she wanted to make me suffer, so she didnt care who got hurt or affected along the way. My wh sure I understand why she wants me to leave and hurt him. But my child? Having a mum go through what she went through with her own mother you'd think she would have the decency to spafe my child or not make it worse. But she only sees herself as the victim. So what about me? Well actually that's easy in her eyes I've hurt her as much as shes hurt me. Yep shes insisted on this many times. It's always about her pain and what I've done my games my doing. And she hates me. As simple as that. Her actions were personal to me. Because I told her what he told me and I asked her to confirm it and she hated hearing this she preferred no truth or to have it picked apart. She preferred her bubble fantasy. In her mind I destroyed it rather than it never existing in the first place.

Horrible situation.

I'm glad to know and understand exactly what the situation was now. It all makes sense. I understand things she wouldve read here wouldve hurt her but they weren't put here to intentionally hurt her. Everything she did was intentional. And that's a level of spiteful and cruel I can never comprehend. I'm not sure bunny boiler is the fair category for her. But it's definitely stand out persistent behaviour. Especially 2.5 years later.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 12:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Ten twinkle toes! OMG!

Yep, that’s a bunny boiler all right!

Desperate!

Tentwinkletoes. Well if she's still reading on here, I hope she knows that we all think she's a nasty, crazy b*tch! The arrogance and self centered nature of these ppl astound me every single time.

Luckily for me, AP was out of the picture years ago, and has blocked me everywhere after I asked for answers. Still a nasty self centered b*tch, but too much of a coward to own her actions.

What I'm about to tell you, keep in mind I didn't find out the truth until I had already filed for divorce. My X cheated on his first wife with wifetress number 2. She did some crazy shit to the first wife. Then, she cheated on Xhole and ran off with her married instructor and then married him when the divorces were final. She went through the police academy and then was recruited, trained, and hired for a federal law enforcement position. So she had a lot of connections. This bitch had her husband calling my husband's ex girlfriend. He claimed to be calling from the hospital because my Mr StillLivin was in a car wreck and told her that my husband wanted her to call him on his new number (my phone) and gave her the number. She called to see if he was ok. Poor lady was horrified when she realized she'd been had. She let us listen to the voicemail. My husband identified her husband immediately.

She would call me, literally dozens of times all night long. She would call the staff duty and find out which nights I was on call 24 hours and pick those nights to prank me all night long. I changed my number. Within 2 weeks, she managed to use her resources to get my new number and the shit started again. She would call the police and accuse us of attacking her, stalking her, beating her up. We were in AZ and she was on the East coast.

I would go to the store and find out every single one of my debit and credit cards were called in as stolen when trying to purchase groceries for us and the kids. This happened a few times.

At child drop off, she came up to my car with her law enforcement husband and they were both wearing their weapons and would try to provoke a fight. Once she caught me off guard with my back to her. She thrust open my door, I almost fell out. When I righted myself, she rammed her hand in my face, literally an inch from my nose, acting as if she wanted to shake... my nose perhaps!?

She would call my command, and wrote a letter to my commanding GENERAL, and accuse me of having an affair with her husband. She made up this elaborate tale that he was a bigamist. We were under investigation for about 3 months until all of the paperwork trail showed they had been divorced when we dated and married. She would call his command pretending to be an investigator and claiming he committed fraud, stolen credit cards, etc.

This went on for almost 2 years before I finally was able to get a harrassment restraining order. Oh and she threatened to kill both of us screaming at us in public places while her husband would be secretly hiding behind somewhere.

So even though I was the wife and there was no affair overlapping between her and me, she started off as an AP and felt she was entitled to make him miserable after he moved on. Then a decade later, he cheated on me and used some of her same dirty tricks. Guess he was taking notes.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:58 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Now, the bunny boiler AP my husband cheated on me with...

This crazy, at least she isn't a federal law enforcement agent with a husband investigator, has her family and friends trying to friend me on FB, prank calling me and leaving me threatening messages. She also posted pictures of herself holding her illegitimate baby that she had with my husband, except she used pictures of her sisters deceased infant from the year before. A friend of mine was a friend of a friend, so she could trace back on her timeline to see the real story. She called me absolutely mortified by what cray cray had done. I even posted about it here a few years ago. I was upset that my husband had had a child with his AP and she was throwing it in my face.

When I found out the truth, it set me free and I've never again looked at her social media...ever.

I had the constant prank calling as well. After the police visit and the cease and desist letter she went to using a no caller ID phone number to ring me with silence or minutes of walking around or just female giggling. Always happened on a Monday or Tuesday. I figured she had spent the weekend working herself up. I stopped answering any unrecognised numbers on my cell. Getting no satisfaction there she started trying to get to me by going through the main switchboard at work.

Got so bad I had to organise the switchboard (all 10 potential operators) to take a message from all unknown numbers callers and not put any calls directly through to me.

She had told me that my WH loved me but wanted me to be the one to leave the marriage. I guess she just believed that harassing me would help that process along!

[This message edited by knockedforsix at 10:28 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I did something to the AP. I used to log in to her blog and leave it open for hours. I had her convinced my H was still missing her.

No direct contact. No messages. Just logged in like he was viewing her blog.

She eventually got so freaked out she shut down her blog and moved to the opposite coast.

Score one for the BS

Justgetitoverwith and 20yrsagobs I honestly dont have the energy to even think of her in that way. I mainly feel sorry for her shes still stuck there after so much time. I've been angry shes tried to keep me with her. But thankfully with my own self growth reflection and work I can safely walk and not look back and the anger dissipates. I refuse to allow her or her actions to invoke negative emotions or energy towards her anymore. It's easier now it feels so distant to where we are now. It does rile me theres a persistent want to hurt me and cause me detrimental effect but I'm strong enough not to be a victim to that. So it cant hurt me now.

I just hope one day she realises the ridiculousness and callousness of her actions and prolonged behaviour. Perhaps that's why I write it here but I've gone beyond hoping for her moment of realisation. It feels like a lost cause but not one that can hurt or plague me anymore. Not my problem!

My Bunny Boiler, or should that be our bunny boiler, did some bizarre things that I still can't get my head around. Affair comes out, because she wanted it to and not my fwh, and there was immediate NC from our side. She flipped her lid. The nicey nicey messages she persisted in sending my fwh even after I'd asked her not to contact us suddenly turned abusive. I got abusive messages too. When I told people she got even angrier and told me to stop going on about the F***ing messages. She's a treat. Oh, and she made sure that the A came out by telling a mutual friend who she knew would tell me.

She manipulated my fwh's mental health problems to her advantage. It was callous and deliberate. She told him that his depression and anxiety were actually all my fault, and he was just fine.

When her text messages didn't work she sent a letter to fwh's workplace with a friends writing on the envelope so that he wouldn't know who it was from. When I told her obs, it turned out that he'd sanctioned it. He'd even read a copy, but it was ok because it was all about HER CLOSURE. From his words and those of others, she's apparently laid the blame squarely at her husbands feet. She is the victim in all of this.

By the way, the AP was one of my closest friends. She took personal things I'd told her and used them against me. She knew I was struggling with mental health issues and when I was talking to her about it she said that her deceased schizophrenic mum used to believe her dad was having an affair, something she framed as a product of her mother's illness. She would simper to me about how well I was doing coping, with what was actually the result of gaslighting and emotional abuse, whilst telling people I was making it all up.

She told fwh I was manipulative. She said I was making my illnesses up. During this time I even ended up in hospital for an op, and she used it as an opportunity to pop round to my house and blow my husband. I suspected the A all along and she said this was proof that the marriage was no good because I didn't trust him. When I spoke to her OBS in the aftermath she said I was the bad friend. Bunny boiler also set herself up as our 'family counsellor' because she was such an expertin mental health. She said the closeness of our marriage was actually unhealthy and that I was holding fwh back.

On the one occasion I confessed my suspicions to her face (I didn't realise fwh had told her) she sat there in my house and said 'it's not like we're shagging in fields or anything'. She sat and watched me cry, lied to my face, and then trotted straight over to see my fwh and say they'd got away with it. She was completely cold and unsupportive. She truly believed she had everything organised and sorted her way. She made sure to tell mutual friends things to make it look like I was the crazy one. Afterwards the A came out she ran around telling her version of events to as many people as possible, and isolated me from any kind of support network. She painted herself as a knight in shining armor rescuing my fwh from a miserable marriage. This was my friend of over ten years.

When her contact attempts failed she started getting involved with my fwh's area of work despite being unemployed and having very little experience in the field. She went to meetings she knew my fwh could possibly be at. She organised events at fwh's workplace that are still ongoing. She tried to befriend his colleagues. She runs through his workplace regularly. When I brought this up to a 'mutual friend' I was told that this would be happening more frequently and I needed to get over it. At one point she approached my fwh at work, and he promptly turned around and walked away

She always takes care to tiptoe on the edge of acceptability. Her flying monkeys all believe her behaviour is fine and have supported her with it all along. When I see bunny boiler in public she stares at me. It's actually quite creepy. There haven't been any further incidents of deliberate contact by her in about a year now, but we have kept records just in case. She still turns up at his work place but we know her schedule and take the day off doing lovely things together. She's also now going by a variety of different names. Given what I know of her history, I can safely say she is one of the most destructive, mentally damaged and delusional people I've ever had the misfortune of meeting.

[This message edited by littleAvocet at 4:17 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]