SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Coming from a faith background, I believe that when a man and a woman get married the two become one flesh. When a spouse is unfaithful and has entered into a sexual relationship with another party, that one flesh becomes some weird hybrid of three or more.

Speaking philosophically, when infidelity enters a relationship, the unfaithful spouse has effectively drawn out a dagger and stabbed their mate through the heart. The wound kills them. The marriage is dead.

Therefore, what benefit is there to have the cheating spouse stand over the dead body of their mate and say, I'm sorry?

There is no benefit. The marriage as it was once known is now dead. It's gone. I'm sorry, as a response has no effect on the dead body of your faithful spouse.

The only way to save that marriage, is to raise your partner from the dead. You will never be able to accomplish that by using mere words. Actions are required. CPR is necessary. Getting your faithful spouse to the ER, followed by a stay in a convalescent home, may be the only way for him/her to recover from WHAT YOU DID.

The bottom line is this, infidelity kills a marriage. All the apologies in the world have no power to raise that marriage and restore it among the living.

If your spouse said, "I'm sorry!" did you feel better? Was your marriage instantly restored?

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 6:17 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

"I'm sorry" might be the two most useless words strung together in the English language. It's a very convenient way (in most cases) to say something but do nothing. If you're sorry, fix it. Work to fix it. Let me SEE your sorry, don't tell me about it.

36 saying "I'm sorry" are just words.

Anyone can spew these words.

It's afterwards.... Are they willing to truly take ownership of what they've done and try to do whatever they can to help the betrayed spouse/partner heal?

To put the work in to try and figure out why it happened so that it never happens again and that they can be a safe partner.

Do their actions line up with their words?

If they're trying to just move on and hoping it will all just be forgotten and getting frustrated that the betrayed individual keeps bringing the A up and "why can't we just get past this" and it's ALL on their time frame says spewing the words "I'm sorry" are worthless and that the person saying it is full of shit!!

If they're trying to just move on and hoping it will all just be forgotten and getting frustrated that the betrayed individual keeps bringing the A up and "why can't we just get past this" and it's ALL on their time frame says spewing the words "I'm sorry" are worthless and that the person saying it is full of shit!!

My WS to a tee. I think her "I'm sorry" is finally turning into true remorse; but the months of I'm sorry, get over it, put it behind us, Jesus forgave me why can't you...certainly took a toll.

I sometimes feel I've been shot dead and instead of burying me she decided to repeatedly run over me with her car.

I'm sorry is meaningless. Sorry needs to change from an adjective to a verb.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 6:41 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

If your spouse said, "I'm sorry!" did you feel better? Was your marriage instantly restored?

No, and I’m honestly sick of hearing it. A book my WH read said to say it over and over and over again. Saying it means nothing. SHOWING it means everything.

The X saying he was sorry would never have saved the M. It was over from the moment he confessed.

But...he owed, and still owes me an apology. It is what people do when they hurt someone.

I am incredibly disappointed in my X, for many things. Not stepping up, and saying he was sorry is the second on my list of disappointments. Right behind the obvious first one.

He has been in AA for almost 30 years. That program is all about making amends. Righting the wrongs they have caused people. Apparently, not so much with me...

I really have let it go...except when I saw this thread...

The words with no actions means nothing. That is true.

However, a sincere apology followed by actions to fix what you broke can mean everything. I heard, "I'm sorry," any times from my fch. It was the first thing he would say when I would break down or rage or just ask,"Why?" Ot meant something to me. He said that first as a way to acknowledge that he did this. He then followed up with actions.

36, I have criticized your WW as remorseless and incapable of R. However, in fairness to her, you did create and enforce an environment in which the two of you were stuck in limbo for the better part of 2 years. Therefore, though I generally am on the side of the BH, I do feel that you hold responsibility for why you feel stalled or in irons in terms of determining whether R might or might not be possible.

Therefore, what benefit is there to have the cheating spouse stand over the dead body of their mate and say, I'm sorry?

The visual I had when my wife told me she loved me was being stabbed and told she loves me as I bleed out on the floor.

Sorry is meaningless if given the same circumstances they would choose the same outcome. The sad thing for the betrayed is that you are supposed to trust the untrustworthy that they won’t repeat their actions.

I did not create the environment

The words with no actions means nothing. That is true.

However, a sincere apology followed by actions to fix what you broke can mean everything.

This. Granted my WH rarely said "I'm sorry" and seemed genuine. Over the course of 2.5 years post-A he maybe said it in a way that seemed genuine a handful of times. Maybe 6 or 7 because I might have forgotten things from right after one of our d-days but in all honesty, I think I'm being generous with that number. I longed to hear him say it and mean it for a long time because to me saying that at least indicated that he was thinking about it. Normally I would get a blank stare or worse. Only on a rare occasion did he seem to mean it - and I'll admit, in the moment it did make me feel a whole lot better. But like everything post-A with him, those moments were fleeting. They would come and then like the wind, they were gone leaving me more confused and more hurt than before.

I'm sorry with consistent follow up could have done wonders. I'm sorry followed by radio silence just did more harm.

Well at least this is one thing I never had to worry about! I don't ever remember my EX saying "I'm sorry" during the entire marriage.

JMO YMMV

I don't ever remember my EX saying "I'm sorry" during the entire marriage.

I can't remember a time that my fch apologized before dday, either. He was never wrong. It was always me.

A sincere and repeated apology followed by actions in keeping with said apology would have saved the marriage.

36....

Not once did the words "I'm sorry" make me feel better. In fact all it did was set me off.

As others have pointed out, they are meaningless, empty words.

I had to put a boundary in place, because it set me off so bad. I told my wife, "those are hollow words, the same ones we use when we bump into someone at the grocery store, how dare she try and equate the pain she put me in by using the same words, that are no different than "hello". She's not used the since....

A sincere and repeated apology followed by actions in keeping with said apology would have saved the marriage.

Shehawk:

You are right. Actions speak much louder than words.

36 - you have heard from lots of folks that words are meaningless and that anyone can say them. I would put 'I love you' in that camp as well. Anyone can say the words, but if you show me by your actions, then I don't really need to hear them because I would already know.

Now you get to hum this song by Extreme for the rest of the day...

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

stolenyears:

Words are just words until put into effect. "I love you" isn't any different than "I'm sorry" if there is no action to back it up.

I am going to post something mostly for other new waywards. I don't disagree with what you are saying, but I do think that words and actions combined are important.

When I first confessed to my husband, for months after I had a hard time saying things like what I felt specifically bad about. It was my assumption that anything that I said would just be empty to him. When other WS here were saying "I hate that I did...and it caused this <whatever specific response> from my BS." My reaction to it was that the words couldn't be sincere, that they were just trying to cover their butts now that they so royally fucked up.

But, around the time Mrs. Walloped came on the scene, the way she talked about it, I related to it. I learned from her posts that not only did my actions need to change, I needed to communicate more about why I was changing those actions, I needed to communicate more about what I was sorry about and why. I truly believe my inability to communicate for fear of those words sounding false or empty to my husband was a big part of why he was ready to divorce me at 9 months out.

And, I was getting ready to let him! Not because that's what I wanted, but because I was swimming around in my own shame and felt that's what I deserved (and of course it was what I deserved). I didn't feel I had the right to speak up and ask him not to do it. The BS's here informed me that this is where I needed to start communicating. That it was still his decision, and I could still respect it but that he needed to see some fight in me. I laid myself bare to him, it was all words, but laced with what my intended actions were. But, he needed to hear all the reasons I was sorry, he needed to hear why I wanted us to fight for our marriage.

I can understand some BS's only get words, and that's why I don't disagree with your statement. But, I think some of my actions to help him get back up had a lot to do with words. Leaving him love notes, apologizing for specific things, telling him all my thoughts and feelings, explaining where I was in the process of trying to be a better wife. Why I wanted to save our marriage. Words did matter.

Again, not to step on those who are feeling these things because all they are hearing are words, but the actions are not in sync with them. It's just I know a lot of WS read what the BS's say, I know I did, and then they take a wrong turn with it.

I agree HO...

Again, not to step on those who are feeling these things because all they are hearing are words, but the actions are not in sync with them. It's just I know a lot of WS read what the BS's say, I know I did, and then they take a wrong turn with it.

And just like the Extreme song says, it's not that I want you NOT to say the words, but the only way the words 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' are to be believed is that they are backed up or even fronted with actions. Why are you sorry? Why do you say you love me? What are you doing to show me that you are remorseful and wanting to make amends? What are you doing to figure out why you stepped out, and why you made all the little 'seemingly unimportant decisions' along the way so you can make sure you don't get into that position again? How are you becoming safe for your hurt spouse? How are you going to show your hurt spouse that you can become the wife/husband that you should have always been, and someone that the hurt spouse can want to stay with, or even try to make a new life with?

All of this is another way to say that words are meaningless without actions to back them up.