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I’m angry and want to text ow:

I know about all of the texts you and my husband shared. It’s shameful that a married mother would take time from her family to text another woman’s husband.

Yes or no

Your anger is focused on the wrong person.

She isn't in your M. Your spouse is.

Nope.

I get being mad I really do. But all you would accomplish with that is making ow feel important.

Eh. She won't care and her response will probably only make you madder. If you are going to do something like this, I would type a long no contact letter explaining your expectations moving forward and then block before she can respond. Of course, this will backfire if your WH is not on board as in my case.

((((gotta))))

Oh honey, I SO understand your anger and you have every right to be pissed at her and your WH.

But... (I know...)

Don't contact OW. She. Does. Not. Care. IMO, these types of people relish in the "competition" and any attention you give her feeds this sick and twisted logic.

You have a lot on your plate right now...do something good for you this weekend.

Hugs!

I'm with tush. Your anger is misdirected. Turn that anger toward your CH. He's the one who destroyed your heart and your family.

But all you would accomplish with that is making ow feel important.

What EllieKMAS said. The worse thing you can do to the OW is let her know how she is nothing to you - not worth your precious time.

They hate that

I would send that text to her hubby! That WILL make her mad and also might increase the turmoil in her life! I really don't think that she will think she is important to you. Also I don't care if you have already told him just stick the stick in there and stir!

JMO YMMV

As Candyman said, text or call her husband. It's time to expose and blow up her world.

I guess I’m an outlier in that I don’t think your anger is misdirected. If she knew he was married, she also deserves your wrath. However unfortunately, people who do this don’t care. I had one OW describe the relationship as a friendship. Yeah, because you sext and kiss all your friends? Another said well, he had needs you weren’t filling, it’s your fault. Some of these people are messed up in the head and probably love the attention, so really you’re just yelling at a wall and giving them an ego boost.

I would definitely tell the OBS if you haven’t though. That’s the absolutely best slap in the face you can do.

If it makes you feel better, do it.

Don't be surprised if you get nothing back, and don't expect her to be truthful. She is in self preservation mode too - so she will lie to protect herself while throwing your WH under the bus.

My suggestion is to send the message to your WH, her and her BS. I'm kind of a bitch that way. You blow up my world, I'm gonna decimate yours type of bitch.

I'm with tush. Your anger is misdirected. Turn that anger toward your CH. He's the one who destroyed your heart and your family.

So am I. How much more crap are you going to accept from him?

I won’t send it but damnit I’m mad

I never felt this way with ow 1. Maybe because she was crazy (literally. She was taken away from my apartment by the cops on a mental health hold and taken to the psychiatric hospital)

I feel like this ow should have known better. I’ve known her for years. She threw me a baby shower ! Just trying to insert herself into my life.

IMO it depends why you want to contact her. If you are expecting her to feel bad or otherwise react in a way you would be satisfied with, then I agree with everyone else. If you are doing it because you want to get that off your chest and it will make you feel better having "said your peace" and expect nothing out of it on her end, then go for it.

I sent a scathing email to the AP in my world and I'm glad I did because it made me feel better and gave me a chance to include other info that I knew about for her husband to read (granted I also cced the OBS and my WH on the email). It made me feel better because I said my peace - I didn't like staying silent as it made me seem like a victim of a crime who could not "testify" at the trial and silenced my voice. I did not expect anything honest from her and I didn't get much back in return aside from the admission that "You are right. I suck." (yeah, that's what she said word for word) followed by a few messages asking me why I felt the need to send it at the time that I did as it was at least a month after d-day 3 and related to no specific event. My response was: "I sent it because I felt like it and because I should have sent it a long time ago because the two of you have been behaving like mentally deranged children for a long time now and I'm sick of all of the fucking lying and you need to hear what a dirtbag you are."

She didn't respond further and I didn't care. I actually could have cared less what she said to be honest. The message to her was for me. I said my peace and it felt great. Don't regret it in the least.

I will tell you the response from my WH was not good initially. He didn't read the whole thing (at least not that I know of and definitely did not at the time) and said "If you actually sent that, we are done." 30 minutes later he changed his tune, but again, I was to the point where outcome be damned, I was sending it because it made me feel better and I didn't care anymore.

If that is the place you are at, then do what you like. If you are hoping for some sort of reaction from the AP then don't do it as you have no way of knowing what will happen once you hit send. I didn't care, but if you do, don't do it.

I do disagree with this:

But all you would accomplish with that is making ow feel important.

That's not necessarily the case - and let's face it: The OW is important in this situation, and everyone, including her, knows it. I didn't send the message that I wanted to for a long time because of that advice I read here, but in my case I didn't give a shit how she felt, and pretending like she wasn't important felt like a fraud to me. I didn't engage in a lengthy conversation with her - the totality of our messages were about 8 texts total - with 3 being from me - and that was that. I told her never to contact again. I have no intention of contacting her again and if she contacts me again I will reiterate no contact and tell her a restraining order is on the way if she persists.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:05 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I would say don't give her the satisfaction. I sent several messages to the B**** and never heard one word back. I now regret having given her the power to ignore me.

No.

Not only will she not give one fuck - she will know she is on your mind and be quite satisfied with that fact.

No good will come from this.

never heard one word back. I now regret having given her the power to ignore me.

Maybe my message was different because I sent it to her, the OBS and my WH - IDK (I also included screen shots of some of their conversations as attachments because I figured the chances were that she was still gaslighting the OBS so I used it as an opportunity to provide more proof and to upend her applecart a bit more)...but again, I fully 100% expected not to hear from her, and was honestly surprised when I did. Her reaction was NOT why I sent the email - it was 10000% for me and me alone.

Again, I felt like not saying anything was like being a victim of a crime who was unable to testify against her perpetrator and that made me feel stifled, silenced, ignored. I could not stand by that feeling so I sent it, despite almost every person on SI telling me not to - that nothing good could come from it etc. For me, the advice here wasn't right - but for you it may be so. Only you know.

Also, I know she was relying on my silence (as I had seen and at one point was shown messages to my WH from her that indicated as much). I didn't want her to feel to "safe" - especially as I think she believed my lying WH when he told her he did not expect me to do anything or say anything. That really pissed me off - knowing I was out there and could blow up her world at any moment (yeah, I told her I had already copied her facebook friends list and had no qualms about sending a message to everyone she knew on there so they could know the real her, even though I had no intention of doing so). I wanted her to KNOW that no one, not my WH, not the OBS, not anyone could keep me silent.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:25 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I want to get some sense into OW too! She is still trying to freelance with WS! She and WS had a very public role together at Comic-Con for several years. I wanted to expose her mercilessly there after d day. I wanted to show her kinky pictures to everyone who idealised her. Thinking back on her history there, she's an attention seeker and she seeks validation by men staring at her body. She's getting older and it's getting harder as the younger ones take her place.

I know about the anger. They help themselves and serve the pain out like free samples at a warehouse store, like it's nothing. It wasn't us, it could have been anyone. They don't care who it was that they hurt. They ought to really know all the results of their choices. My feeling is they don't care for the most part and likely never will. They are selfish and have made themselves above everyone else. Society gives them a pass. There is no real consequences except the family damage or perhaps even loss of a job sometimes. I wanted to strip all respect from the OW.

I'm still very sad about what she did, what she does currently. Her H is so nice, doesn't deserve to be used like that. She's lost all respect for him and he should leave. She'll ruin him financially so maybe that's why he stays. I think it's sad. At least he doesn't have to be ashamed out and about with her if I don't embarrass her publicly. They are well known in the entertainment world. And really it's not my style to wound others, intentionally or not. What I needed to do was deal with my anger. That anger so strong. That hurt so strong. That sadness so strong.

Now that these aren't so strong in me, I feel pity for her. She's not a happy, giving person and it must be difficult to go through life as a taker who's never satisfied. That's her real punishment.

I leave her to her karma. She will cross someone someday who won't think twice about destroying her fragile ego and reputation.

Pureheart is right: this is a good reason not to contact the AP:

I want to get some sense into OW too!

Precisely because it seeks an outcome that you cannot control.

Basically I think I was in the minority as my reasons for contacting the AP were not to accomplish anything but to make me feel better and for me, the contact, saying my words, did that for me.

So I'm not going against the advice here at all - just look at your reasoning as to what you are hoping to accomplish - if your goals are determinate upon the reaction of another person I would say absolutely don't do it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:31 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

I disagree the anger is misdirected, especially with this you said:

Just trying to insert herself into my life.

I felt like I had a similar type of AP who just wouldn't stop inserting themselves. The guy never had a OBS though, oh how I wish I could have blown up his world.

But I don't think you should send anything to the OW, because it won't have any lasting impact. Definitely do send something to the OBS. It'll hopefully have more of an impact and be more satisfying I bet.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:21 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]