SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lots to unpack but long story short, confronted my wife today with evidence of her affair - it was mostly emotional but she said they kissed when he was here on thanksgiving. They were planning on seeing each other over new years and having sex (I'm not on birth control, get condoms), etc. I logged into her facebook to see the messenger accounts.

SHe flipped out that "yes I shouldnt' have said some things to him but what little privacy I had left is now gone" and wouldn't talk any more. Stormed around and left the house an hour ago. I'm here with my 3 year old and 7year old.

One thing, a few years ago I took pictures of her sister in a bikini. I know this caused an issue and was a betrayal. I never actually cheated on her emotionally or physically though. Does this complicate all the advice to "kick her out" and lock the doors and be the one to serve her papers??

First things first. Save all evidences in a safe place.

Secondly, there’s no privacy in a marriage. Her account is your account, her phone is your phone and vice versa etc...

She’s just mad you discovered her affair, and that you are ruining her plan to have a good father and husband at home while having a BF on the side.

Please share what you discovered and how. The more you share, the easier it is for us to help you. I don’t have much time to reply but others will come along soon.

Ok i was mainly worried how I react to the "well you took pictures of my sister" thing... Both from a "moral high ground" as well as frankly, legally... I need to still stand my ground on the actual affair piece.

It started with her saying she was "falling for another man" about a week ago. After some back and forth, me moving out, back in, and asking her not to go to maine on new years (basically asked her to choose him or me, and she said she was going anyway).

I did waffle back and forth a bit between "you do what you need to do, lets' consider ourselves "broken up" and even took my ring off, to saying I wanted to forgive her and was optimistic for our future. Part of my waffling was she NEVER ONCE really apologized for her behavior and said she would stop.

Today, I logged onto messenger (she hadn't changed her password so I just logged into the computer and opened it up), and recorded via video all the messages. Stuff like can't wait to sit on your face, how he's going to go down on her and finger her and screw her, how excited and wet she is, how she masturbated, etc.

E.g: Her: can’t wait for you to unwrap your gift… my clothing lol

I saved them to my google drive and google photos (archived) and google docs (I copied all the messages).

Changed my passwords to one she doesn't know.

I can't do anything about my bank account, it's a shared account at a credit union and is closed.

yes I basically was sick of knowing I was her safety net. I'm just paranoid about the whole picture thing and the fallout - I am sure that's the main thing she will tell her family, who knows what's happening right now.

I don't know how to react next, other than just calmly saying it's obviously best if we pursued a divorce amicably. If she comes back with remorse (I'm doubting it based on her reaction but other's have had the same reaction then she comes back and is remorseful), then I'll do the 180 and list of demands (letter of No Contact, etc.). However, her family enables and actively encouraged this (her sister is the roomate of the Other man, and is actively encouraging them to go on a "date" when she is out there).

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 7:00 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Id tell her I'm not interested in being married to someone who's dating other men.

If that's what you want a divorce is fine.

You don't stand up and enforce your boundaries now you'll just get more of this behavior and I can tell you you're better off without living that kind of life.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:11 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

divot price = divorce I'm assuming?

And yes, I'm totally fine saying it at this point. I've made mistakes, certainly, but I have dignity and feelings too. You don't get to go date and have sex while I sit at home with the kids and want to work on this marriage...

And I just have to stand strong against the pictures thing - I'm sure I'll get assailed by her and the family regarding that - guarantee she will let that secret out.

1) A cheater whining about invasion of privacy?! fuck her privacy.

2) If you have no kids? I suggest you divorce. She was all in on fucking the other guy.

If you don't want to divorce for sure...

3) Re-collect that evidence via screenshots, because they are better quality, that you store away safely. On a PC you can take screenshots via the "printscreen" or the "PRTSCRN" button to the right of the "F" keys.

4) Get any information you can from her phone.

a) Check the phone bill to see who she has been texting and calling, how much, how often etc.

b) If she is on an iPhone see if you can get into her iCloud account and maybe you can retrieve her iMessages.

c) Run a recovery on her phone to capture any deleted information such as text messages, photos, videos, cheater app messages, you'll also be able to see her notes, calls made and more.

d) Implement some kind of phone monitoring service: mSpy, ikeymonitor, cocospy, Flexispy, webwatcher, there are a ton of them.

4) Get a couple of VARs (Voice Activated Recorders) the sony ICD-PX470 is the sweet spot $50 at Amazon, put one in her car and keep another around to record her in the house.

a) Read the manual for a couple of minutes and you will learn how to turn off any kind of beeps or lights.

b) Get a ton of triple a batteries, Amazon brand (about $14 last I checked.)

c) Get a 32 Gigabyte SD card for each VAR, about $8 on Amazon and you'll have dozens of hours of recording time.

5) If she wants to stay with you demand a detailed timeline that she will write soon and tell her you reserve the right to verify it via polygraph.

That will just about do it.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:12 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

We do have kids, I'm here with them now wondering wtf. I don't have the car seats...

Yes - I'm not worried about her privacy, just the pictures thing...

Her privacy isn't needed in a marriage unless you are doing something behind my back. I hid my drinking from her often, porn use, etc. But if she had confronted me (as she did) then I would have not reacted with "how could you!?"

I'll grab some VARs if she decides to stay, thank you.

I'm assuming I can guess her icloud password, but do I try to sign in? I'm not sure if she will get a notification on her phone or not. Also, some of the phone monitoring software and not, I would have to have access to her phone.

Or, you mean do all that if she gives me access because she is remorseful?

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 7:19 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Do it all in secret or just nab her phone.

Signing into iCloud will send an email alert so be ready to intercept it.

Adding another phone onto her iCloud account so you see her texts in real time will send a "phone alert", so you need to have her phone in hand if you do that.

Fonelab you need access to her phone, though it can go through phone backups on a computer as well as her iCloud.

Phone monitoring doesn't necessarily send an email alert (I'm not entirely sure) but they do require the iCloud password.

So essentially you need her phone and her phone passcode for recovery, and her iCloud account username and password for monitoring.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:55 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Wayward needs to know the BS still care for the relationship to enjoy cheating. So if she care about the marriage she may be in internal turmoil, although she acting tough. Keep your head up and do your other responsibilities even better. It gives you satisfaction and keep your mind occupied and it looks sexy even in the eyes of the WS.

You taking pictures of your SIL is bad taste but it’s not cheating.

It sounds like your WW is having an exit affair. There’s not much you can do really. Do the 180, for you to detach (not to make her do things). Open a new bank account and move 1/2 the money. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. I don’t know US laws but maybe it can be argued that she’s abandoning her children, running away with an OM like that.

I’ll never understand how a family member encourages a spouse to cheat. It’s crazy. You’re not the first...

Seek support from friends and family; what you are going through will be very traumatic.

Wayward needs to know the BS still care for the relationship to enjoy cheating. So if she care about the marriage she may be in internal turmoil, although she acting tough. Keep your head up and do your other responsibilities even better. It gives you satisfaction and keep your mind occupied and it looks sexy even in the eyes of the WS.

Come again?

I'm totally fine saying it at this point. I've made mistakes, certainly, but I have dignity and feelings too. You don't get to go date and have sex while I sit at home with the kids and want to work on this marriage...

Well there is the answer to your earlier question about how to respond to taking pictures of your SIL.

Your number one goal is to get out of infidelity. This can be done the hard way through reconciliation if she wants to do the work. If she doesn't want to try, then divorce is the next best option.

I am curious to know more about this.....

"One thing, a few years ago I took pictures of her sister in a bikini."

Were you involved in an inappropriate relationship with her sister and was it reciprocated?

If she comes back with remorse

Change it to "if she go there in spite your asking her not to go." Judging by what she has written to the OM I do not know how you can tolerate her going there. Of course the level of tolerance depends on how strongly you are attached to her.

Can you give a call to the OM and demand to know what he is up to?

[This message edited by goalong at 8:18 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

One thing, a few years ago I took pictures of her sister in a bikini.

Ok i was mainly worried how I react to the "well you took pictures of my sister" thing.

I've made mistakes

And I just have to stand strong against the pictures thing - I'm sure I'll get assailed by her and the family regarding that - guarantee she will let that secret out.

I'm just paranoid about the whole picture thing and the fallout - I am sure that's the main thing she will tell her family, who knows what's happening right now.

I hid my drinking from her often, porn use, etc.

This is the type of thinking that will set you up for a fall. "I did bad stuff so I have to excuse what she did(or was planning to do)." This gives her all the power either in R or in a D.

You have two young children and a WW that has gone bat-shit crazy, so this whole process will get complicated. Stay here and post often. There are thousands of us at this site who have weathered the storm to R or D and will offer advice based on their personal experience. Take what you need and leave the rest.

So extremely sorry you are going through this.

There was ZERO interaction between me and her sister. No affair, texting, etc.

[Quote]

Change it to "if she go there in spite your asking her not to go." Judging by what she has written to the OM I do not know how you can tolerate her going there. Of course the level of tolerance depends on how strongly you are attached to her.

Repeated conversations with her, she has made it clear she was going regardless of my feelings. She didn't even see my concern.

And the messages with the OM got WORSE after i stated my concerns. I did try and excuse it a bit by saying "well maybe we "break up"? but I can't do that, we are still married. I need to know what you are planning. What do you expect out of this, just be honest with me. and she kept twisting it and making it sound like it was nothing. So, that's why I had to check the messages.

WHat do I do about the children? Do I make sure to not leave the house as much as possible? Do I cancel some of my planned stuff like gym time, tuesday golf league, etc? Just be at work and at home while this is figured out?

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 8:26 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

I had been sleeping in the basement. But I decided I would sleep in our (my) bed. So I was/am in here and she just came home. She asked if I was sleeping in here, I said yes. She asked where her charger and laptop was, I told her... That's the extent of it, sounds like she is out on the couch and doesn't want to talk.

It does seem like an exit affair, lots of the warning sings are there.

Trying to figure out what's next, but hard when she won't talk and right now not the best time. Had been hoping she'd come home with regret but that's not appearing to be the case...

There is no way of equating you taking a picture of her sister in a bikini and her having an emotional and physical affair. it doesn't matter if you were a saint she would find something to blame her whore behavior on. Just don't even waste the mental energy worrying about it. If she does do it show the people she told the messages printed out(as stated above you should screenshot them or at least take individual pictures) and see if they think you deserved being cheating on.

She needs to go, and you need to start documenting everything, time with the kids, her time away, money she may have spent on her affair, time spent with OM, everything. Monday get to your credit union and pull half if not all of the money and put in an account in your name only.

One thing, a few years ago I took pictures of her sister in a bikini. I know this caused an issue and was a betrayal. I never actually cheated on her emotionally or physically though.

It was inappropriate but if her family is encouraging her affair I wouldn't worry about this much.

I had been sleeping in the basement. But I decided I would sleep in our (my) bed. So I was/am in here and she just came home. She asked if I was sleeping in here, I said yes. She asked where her charger and laptop was, I told her... That's the extent of it, sounds like she is out on the couch and doesn't want to talk.

Good move. Take back your space.

She cheats and you move to the basement? Weak move.

Get strong and stay there. You'll come out better no matter which way this goes.

See an attorney for some good knowledge. Maybe get 3 free consultations.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:52 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]