SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know her plans. You may not be able to stop her but what says you have to go along with it?

At this time trying to "nice her back" or playing the "pick me dance" will lower your status even more, make you look weak while making her boyfriend look strong and more attractive.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!!!!!

Did you take pictures secretly of her sister? Was she underage? Either or both of those are serious. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it was very stable.

Who has the pictures? Does her sister know you did it? This is what you need to deal with. Your marriage appears to be dead.

Don’t issue ultimatums. They don’t work on someone in the fog. Get your ducks in a row.

Secretly yes, not underage - I deleted the pictures, no idea if she backed them up (she never mentioned it). Basically kind of held the phone "normal" as I was standing there (embarassing to admit but want to be as honest as possible). This was 4ish years ago.

Sister does not know as far as I know.

Yes, marriage is dead, wouldn't say it was stable on either end. She avoids confrontation, I've been selfish. - so I want to tell her when we talk let's just move fowrard amicably. Say it's obvious we aren't compatible, let's just get through this, file the divorce papers and both get out of what is obviously not something that is good for both of us.

You either take control of your life or give control over you to her.

Bud, she's planning on having sex with another man while married to you. The Calvary isn't coming. You don't stand up for yourself no one else is going to fix this for you.

Stop living in fear of making her mad or hurting her feelings. Do you count for anything or not?

You're so right! I want to do that, I'm just so hung up on the potential fall out with the sister and her family (dad/brother), and if it's even a legal issue if she really pushes/brings this up. Don't want to push way too hard, be a hardass, and have her bring the guns out so to speak. At this point I just want the marriage over and out of it.

You don't need her permission.

Forget the "it will hurt me" "angle. She doesn't give a shit.

If you do talk to her, just let her know how fucked up her life will be.

You don't need her permission.

To leave the marriage? Right - I'm going to start the process tomorrow (get some consultations).

I'm just hoping to be able to play down the animosity so she doesn't figure out or play up the legal angle of the secret pictures. Just be happy to get out and do whatever the hell she wants and I do the same.

Faithful, I don't mean the "it will hurt me" in an emotional way, I know she doesn't care about that. I mean in a legal way or potential "character" issue regarding kids (although I have actual proof of at least sexual talk with another person).

Guess that's why talking to a divorce lawyer asap tomorrow is key.

Thank you all so much by the way, need some tough love and support right now. I'm a damn headcase

I would recommend you avoid interaction with her other than for child issues.

Tomorrow, take care of your banking situation, separating your accounts and closing joint credit accounts. Change your direct deposit if you have it...get your credit removed from her as much as possible. This is job #1, even if you have to take the day off from work.

See a lawyer or three ASAP and file for D...make it real.

You want to make a clean break as soon as possible, but remember that R can always take place later if she wakes up and you are still interested.

Read in The Healing Library (top left of the page) about the 180, and implement it.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 10:35 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

I would also DNA test your kids...this may not have been her first time.

I'm just hoping to be able to play down the animosity so she doesn't figure out or play up the legal angle of the secret pictures.

You shouldn't have done it but that inappropriate act ( took pictures of her sister in a bikini with your phone ) isn't going to figure in much.

Bud, shes planning a sexual rendezvous with her new boyfriend.

You still need to wake up

I would recommend you avoid interaction with her other than for child issues.

Tomorrow, take care of your banking situation, separating your accounts and closing joint credit accounts. Hangs your direct deposit if you have it...get your credit removed from her as much as possible. This is job #1, even if you have to take the day off from work.

See a lawyer or three ASAP and file for D...make it real.

You want to make a clean break as soon as possible, but remember that R can always take place later if she wakes up and you are still interested.

Read in The Healing Library (top left of the page) about the 180, and implement it.

I will do all that - for the lawyer, I've only got like $300, do they generally bill up front? All my credit cards and stuff are joint accounts. I will close any of those accounts I can. I moved my checking account cash into my own savings and will just make sure to remove her from the account tomorrow.

Man she's going to rail and retaliate with the whole privacy and pictures thing... going to be a shit show. Gotta stay strong. Maybe down the road, R is possible, but not even worrying about that now.

I WOULD normally say I'm not worried about the finances, or the kids being mine but I don't know her as well as I thought either... I'm at least 99% sure the kids are mine though, definitely have my features, first one was in a much happier time. Will consider it though - honestly even if they aren't mine I love the heck out of them.

You shouldn't have done it but that inappropriate act ( took pictures of her sister in a bikini with your phone ) isn't going to figure in much.

Bud, shes planning a sexual rendezvous with her new boyfriend.

You still need to wake up

I'm up! I know she's planning a rendezvous and was doing it unrepentantly...

I'm going to spend my day talking to lawyers tomorrow, going 180, standing my ground, filing for D and figuring out my various accounts and finances (pain in the ass since she handled all of it!)

Man she's going to rail and retaliate with the whole privacy and pictures thing... going to be a shit show.

Im planning on going to Maine for sex with my new boyfriend and you as my husband don't have the right to invade my privacy?????

I'm going to have sex with another man cause you took pics of my sister in her bikini.

Do you even see how silly your fear is?

[This message edited by Marz at 10:49 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Call around you can get free consultations.

Do you even see how silly your fear is?

Seeing it more clearly each time man, thank you!

I would tell her in no uncertain terms.

You don't cut your boyfriend off I'm out. No need to focus on anything else. Stay on point. No need to argue.

You've got 5 minutes.

Then plan accordingly.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:53 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Seeing it more clearly each time man, thank you!

I hope so for your sake.

Good luck

Get strong and stay there

If she goes cut off all joint cards before.

I would not finance her affair.

You don't need any permission.

Sir, when it comes to divorce courts barely even care about blatant infidelity. There are no legal ramifications to you having taken pictures of a woman in a bikini or having looked through your wife's phone.

Hey UberD,

Now that I've given her "permission"

I know this has been debated to death, but I'd like to add my 2cts worth.

This statement was not that you gave her permission to cheat, but it was giving her a choice to 'do the right thing'..... obviously, she did not 'do the right thing' by you and your family, but for herself.

As to pics of her sister, well.... okay smack your hand, and never do something like that again. It was not right, but it has been done, and (hopefully) you have learned not to do it again.

There were signs like when I gave her the ultimatum on saturday that if she went to maine I wanted her to "leave" (I didn't specify enough what that meant originally...)

Stop playing games. Stop they cryptic ultimatums. They will hurt you on the long run. Be clear and concise as you cannot afford to be grey. It cause an already dangerous situation to be even more dangerous, as both parties will be second guessing what each other is thinking.

I had said this morning that I was forgiving her and releasing her and really hopeful for our future

Forgiveness that is easily given is not true forgiveness. You only set yourself up for resentment on the long run, because you will not forgive yourself for giving in so fast.

she talks about how she's not on birth control so get condoms

This is a joke. Cheaters hardly ever use condoms. Tell your WW not to waste her money (better if delivered dripping with sarcasm).

The animosity has been simmering - she said when she revealed her "feelings' that it's been 5 years she has felt disconnected and resentment (drinking, my lack of caring, etc.).

Again, typical cheater behaviour, re-writing of marital history. Yes, there probably were issues in the M before, but if she had talked about it, they could have been resolved.

As to the calendar invite, she is goading you into a fight. She knows she is disrespecting you, and wants you to lash out. This will give her ammunition to say that you are 'controlling' her, giving her more reason to go have a sex-fest with her boyfriend.

In summary, be clear in your communication to your WW. Stop waffling. You either want her to know what you are saying, or you don't. If you don't then continue being vague.

Take control of your life, and that of your children. They will need you to be stable, safe, dependable, healthy. As such, go on the planned family outings, and be as normal as you can with your kids. This does not mean that you have to hug and kiss your WW in front of them, just do not argue/disagree in front of them.

The 180 does not mean that you need to be mean to your WW, but it is a way to start your detachment from her, for yourself. This is to protect yourself, and by extension, your kids. Conduct yourself in a 'profesional' manner. No need to talk about personal issues (except if it involves the kids). No need to say 'Hi, WW, did you have a good day?'. A simple 'Hi' will suffice.

Better make sure you have a VAR on you at all times to protect yourself.