SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So what did you do with her sister’s pictures? Did you use them for pleasure? That to me would be unforgivable and maybe she needs another man to reassure that she’s still beautiful and lovable? I personally would have a hard time forgiving this. Out of ALL the women around you take pics of her sister?!?! Maybe you deserve it. Disrespectful, voyeuristic, peeping tom.

yes... She found them in a porn folder when she went to email something from my Computer so it was pretty obvious. This is what is driving a lot of this and why I don't feel so comfortable being so blameless in all of this, and it does feel deserved. It absolutely is disgusting, disrespectful, and trashed her self-image...

The feedback and advice I get seems to matter quite a bit depending on gender..

That's why i'm leaning more towards the email that is more straightforwad that we both have done damage to each other, need to move on, and leave it at that. Sticking too hard to the ultimatum and just putting it on her seems overboard and unnecessary at this point.

In case she went, is there a possibility for you to ask her to stay some where else at least for few days citing your emotional status. If you can tell her that before she go it will also make an impact.

In case she went, is there a possibility for you to ask her to stay some where else at least for few days citing your emotional status. If you can tell her that before she go it will also make an impact.

[This message edited by goalong at 10:08 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

In case she went, is there a possibility for you to ask her to stay some where else at least for few days citing your emotional status. If you can tell her that before she go it will also make an impact.

hi Dave,

I know money can be tight and get in the way but you need to see if there is something you can do quickly here to keep her from taking your kids out of the state. Is the AP living in Maine and she is going to see him there or are they both coming from different states to meet there? At this point it looks like this is an exit affair. I wouldn't let her plan to take my children away from me. If she wants to live in Maine or wherever the AP lives then she can. You have no say over that but if she is planning to move and take the kids with her then you absolutely have a say and that has to be worked out in a divorce. For now a separation agreement will probably keep her from doing that while the custody is worked out. I would get something in place as soon as I could to support that. You said she was going to Maine totally alone right? I'd file while she was gone and I'd ask for custody in the initial filing saying she had abandoned the family.

Ok, BW - Before you get on him about the pictures, you need to realize does taking a picture of a girl on a beach in a swimsuit in public equate to sexting and a whole family trying to help a wife have an affair? If you can't answer yes, then please stop. This guy is very confused, you aren't helping him.

Dave - Just file. If you are watching the kids while she is in Maine and while she was gone earlier for a stretch, you need to document that. This will weigh into custody discussions. After you file, it is going to take a while to get custody figured out and everything. Try to file before she takes off to Maine. Then you can state you are divorcing and be done. Be sure to take off your ring and start looking around at who you will replace her with.

Some spouses, especially WW seem to need a clear message that they will be divorced if they don't change. BH seem to realize this during the divorce when they see how much they are losing and that AP is crazier than their BW.

As far as the email on the invite. Just state this, "I see you are passively telling me you are going to have a family approved affair in Maine over New Year's. If you go, I will consider this a message we are getting divorced. There will be no discussion, simply divorce. If you leave, please expect to find somewhere else to live so we can start legal separation when you return. I have already contacted a lawyer and papers are being drawn up."

Stop mentioning you made mistakes. That is not helping you. She is the one making mistakes now. She should apologizing now for leaving you with the kids and hurting you. After she cleans up the affair, then you can talk about your stupid moves, you know she didn't magically run into this guy. She has made many more stupid moves.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 10:13 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Nm...dumb joke.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:24 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

That's why i'm leaning more towards the email that is more straightforwad that we both have done damage to each other, need to move on, and leave it at that. Sticking too hard to the ultimatum and just putting it on her seems overboard and unnecessary at this point.

Bud you still haven't fully awakened to where you are.

You took pics. Got it.

She's going on a sex filled vacation with her new boyfriend.

Stand up for yourself or get walked on. Either way you need to stop enabling her behavior.

Your choice.

Bud you still haven't fully awakened to where you are.

Your choice.

Uber,

Please read that again. this is total bull shit comparing taking a picture of someone in a bikini with going out of town to fuck another man.

Stop responding to the bull shit and get your head straight and make it clear you will not tolerate this.

Few minutes later I get this

I'm sorry- for my part in getting us to where we are in our relationship right now. I realize that I'm selfish in that I want it both ways.. one way for me to be happy and the other for the kids to be happy and that is not fair to you and your feelings. I hope in the future we can reconcile our differences and still be amazing parents to our children... because goodness knows I NEVER thought I would be in this situation...

I'm trying to take all your good advice and put the proper boundaries and standing up for myself in my response. Here is what I originally wrote, and then what I've pared it down to as I rethink and review your advice (I'm trying to learn guys...)

Thank you! That has been really hard to understand, why you did not see or say that. I really appreciate you saying that.

I'm sorry too, I betrayed your trust so bad and severely damaged your self worth and feelings of being attractive and worthwhile, I'm devastated by the pain I've caused as well. I have hope for our future though, that does not stop. I never thought we would be in this situation either and I still love you dearly.

But I do have to draw my line somewhere And if you absolutely have to go then I need to stand firm that we need to take some sort of official break (I just scheduled a consultation for 2pm on Thursday with a lawyer, at least look at legal separation right now?), as I cannot be in a marriage with a third person involved, it's just way harder than I thought (I thought maybe I could handle it). And I'm worth more than that.

Regardless, we CAN and SHOULD be amazing parents to our children. Never in a thousand years, through all of this, do I doubt that even one iota.

The Re-write:

Thank you! That has been really hard to understand, why you did not see or say that. I really appreciate you saying that. I never thought we would be in this situation either...

I do have to draw my line somewhere though. And if you absolutely have to go then I need to stand firm that I will begin divorce proceedings. I cannot be in a marriage with a third person involved (whom you are also planning on being physically intimite with).

I also hope we can reconcile our differences so we CAN and SHOULD be amazing parents to our children.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 11:05 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Before you get on him about the pictures, you need to realize does taking a picture of a girl on a beach in a swimsuit in public equate to sexting and a whole family trying to help a wife have an affair?

Would you minimise this behaviour as much if it was pictures of your wife/daughter/family member?

I'm not saying it excuses her actions in the slightest. If it was inexcusable to her or the last straw then she should have dealt with it in an upfront healthy matter and left.

OP, IMO it sounds like she's baiting you, trying to push you into some action or reaction, possibly to use as some kind of justification IDK, just seems kinda off to me.

Sorry you find yourself here.

First - Stop worrying about some pictures of her sister in a bikini taken years ago. Not worth more than a giggle.

Second - Be firm and clear that you do not want her to go to Maine but if she does, you will divorce. No talking about separation or both doing things wrong. This is about her going to have sex with another man. Do what you can to stop it. Do NOT give her the idea that you will forgive her if she goes. She must know that this is a hard boundary and if she crosses it, you will divorce. Good luck.

Uber

Thank you! That has been really hard to understand, why you did not see or say that. I really appreciate you saying that. I never thought we would be in this situation either...

I also hope we can reconcile our differences so we CAN and SHOULD be amazing parents to our children.

STOP thanking her. Your wife, with your knowledge, plans on going to have sex with another man and you're still thanking her. For what??????

You need to tell her when she gets on that plane you will file the divorce papers. Telling her you hope you can reconcile does nothing to dissuade her.

She is going to go have her fun and then come home and start negotiating with you again.

I’m retired and in Maine for the holidays. I just showed most of this posting to a friend who dropped in (he’s a Superior Court Judge in Maine) his observation was find a good attorney and take notes…if you don’t understand ask questions... lots of them. Forget about the pictures they don’t carry any weight unless they were taken through a knot hole in a room (bathroom, bedroom, or another place where privacy could be expected.)

Living in the south it has been common for friends or neighbors to swim in our pool…some of them just strip down and swim naked. They know that pictures get taken, and they may inadvertently end up in them…not a big deal.

Ugh I'm bad at this, do you all have to do this every time with idiot BS'?? I'm fighting against my very nature and lots of ingrained habits/niceness, etc. so thanks for bearing with me.

STOP thanking her. Your wife, with your knowledge, plans on going to have sex with another man and you're still thanking her. For what??????

You need to tell her when she gets on that plane you will file the divorce papers. Telling her you hope you can reconcile does nothing to dissuade her.

She is going to go have her fun and then come home and start negotiating with you again.

I guess I was just thanking her for finally acknowledging and apologizing. And I meant reconcile in terms of just not being at each other's throats or bitter or whatever but I certainly see how it's coming off. I'll remove it, stick to the draw the line piece and I'm filing the papers when she gets in the car (she's driving with her other sister and brother).

That has been really hard to understand, why you did not see or say that. I appreciate the apology. I never thought we would be in this situation either...

I do have to draw my line somewhere though. And if you absolutely have to go then I need to stand firm that I will begin divorce proceedings when you leave. I cannot be in a marriage with a third person involved (whom you are also planning on being physically intimite with).

And yes I 100% agree we CAN and SHOULD be amazing parents to our children! They need to never doubt that one bit.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 11:50 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

I’m retired and in Maine for the holidays. I just showed most of this posting to a friend who dropped in (he’s a Superior Court Judge in Maine) his observation was find a good attorney and take notes…if you don’t understand ask questions... lots of them. Forget about the pictures they don’t carry any weight unless they were taken through a knot hole in a room (bathroom, bedroom, or another place where privacy could be expected.)

Living in the south it has been common for friends or neighbors to swim in our pool…some of them just strip down and swim naked. They know that pictures get taken, and they may inadvertently end up in them…not a big deal.

Not taken through a knot hole or anything, she was just around the house or pool, lots of other people around or even in the picture. (I should add though that it was obvious I was "sneaking" a picture of her).

I have a consultation scheduled for this thursday at 2 and will make a couple others as well. Will make sure to take notes and ask lots of questions.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 11:49 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Uber

And I meant reconcile in terms of just not being at each other's throats or bitter or whatever but I certainly see how it's coming off.

Now why should you not be bitter that your wife has decided to bring this OM into your marriage.???

You need to get from DENIAL to ANGRY to do the right things.

You need to make it clear to her that unless she passes a polygraph when she returns there is no way you are going to believe anything she says.

Ugh I'm bad at this, do you all have to do this every time with idiot BS'??

NO ONE is good at this. it sucks and you are not an idiot. the biggest mistake from what you have said is when you told her you would try to live with what she was planning to do.

Do not threaten her with divorce papers if you are going to fold your tent.

Now why should you not be bitter that your wife has decided to bring this OM into your marriage.???

You need to get from DENIAL to ANGRY to do the right things.

You need to make it clear to her that unless she passes a polygraph when she returns there is no way you are going to believe anything she says.

Yes, I'm slowly moving into angry, but also trying to not just make "emotional" angry decisions and lash out. But to stay as calm as I can be. Hard to figure out that line! But I'm absolutely pissed off that she did this, and continues to just show no desire to do anything but think this is a good thing...

NO ONE is good at this. it sucks and you are not an idiot. the biggest mistake from what you have said is when you told her you would try to live with what she was planning to do.

Do not threaten her with divorce papers if you are going to fold your tent.

A buddy mentioned he would be careful saying anything about the divorce or legal stuff directly in the text. She'll be out there planning and possibly scheming, and to have my ducks more in a row before I bring up the actual D-word. Consult with the lawyer, know what I need to have in place, take actions, and when she gets back, have the papers ready. But I'm NOT folding my tent. Like you said, would need polygraph and all sorts of monitoring, apologies to family and friends, etc. etc. and I would STILL keep the divorce process going. This woman is not who I thought she was, and I'm less and less interested in her at all.

A normal reaction (like when people confronted me about my drinking) is remorse, and attempts to change. I tried, and failed sometimes, but over the journey have become better and better for it.

Something more like:

That has been really hard to understand, why you did not see or say that. I appreciate the apology. I never thought we would be in this situation either...

And yes we CAN and SHOULD be amazing parents to our children! They need to never doubt that one bit.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 12:02 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

Hi, dave, I have to admit I haven't read all the responses.

Right now you need to find the courage to go shock and awe.

Pictures of a girl in a bikini is not the issue here. AT ALL.

Your goal is to get out of infidelity.

You choose for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. Please don't allow your wife to drive this narrative, put yourself in the driver's seat. Now.

Let her know in no uncertain terms that if she has any more communication with this guy or if she decides to up and meet him, you will be serving her with divorce papers. No room for negotiation. No room for three in a marriage.

Listen to the wise people here. All of us have walked in your shoes.

Under these circumstances she's following the cheater script like most.

Let's be friends!!!! That's all for her not you.

It's helps her alieviate guilt ( he's ok with what I'm doing because we're friends!!!!)

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Bud as long as you sit back and give off the positive vibes to her you'll just get more of what you've gotten and you'll keep yourself tied down in this.

Your best bet is parellel parenting and grey rocking.

You still don't get it. Better wake up.

Set your boundaries and cut contact (if she goes) expect kids or business by text or email only. Never answer a phone call.

She's telling you what she going to do. It would be in your best interest to believe her and take appropriate action immediately.