SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are you feeling. Do you feel overwhelmed or you are functional despite all the animosity. Your W is kind of your enemy now so it is important to keep your head up. Take it slowly. Have someone (family or friend) in the circle to talk. It helps a great deal.

As others said she has no regard for you and it may be an exit affair. Is this animosity something that was simmering over a long time? Tell her she cannot leave kids behind like that.Is the OM well settled? The POS may be in it for easy thrill. She will realize this after sometime. With her attitude, Do not plead with her and implement 180

I'm resisting the urge to go ask her if she's ready to talk - I think she's trying to see if I will blink? especially after trying to guilt trip me about the privacy thing...

I'm doing actually better right now than I have this past week. Her actions are making it clearer and clearer, and reading those messages was eye opening. Before it was just "I miss you" and stuff. Nothing too bad. General plans to meet when she was in maine. Now that I've given her "permission" she went full on sexual talk and them sexting/masturbating.

I haev a support network locally I'm reaching out to as well. They are a big help!

The animosity has been simmering - she said when she revealed her "feelings' that it's been 5 years she has felt disconnected and resentment (drinking, my lack of caring, etc.).

DO I go out and tell her NOW that leaving the kids here was bad? do I do anything right now or wait until the morning/afternoon? Talk to an attorney first and lay it all out there?

I only have like $300, the rest of the money is in savings (about $1000), or her account. She did all the bill paying, we have a shared account, her own account and the savings account (I was REALLY bad with money). I moved the one shared account money (really it's my account, she has access to mine, as well as her own account) to my daily divident membership savings account which I THINK only i have access too.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 8:59 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Now that I've given her "permission" she went full on sexual talk and them sexting/masturbating.

What????

The OM is the roomy of her sister. So he is single?

If he was not single then the next step would be to inform his partner.

You can't really expect much help from her family, however, you should let her parents know what is going on.

You should also contact this other guy directly and ask him to back off until you are divorced. You should do this but it might not be very effective.

Keep up with your hobbies and friends although prioritize your kids. Consult a lawyer and get informed about divorce. Try to stay even tempered and don't drink/smoke too much.

There were signs like when I gave her the ultimatum on saturday that if she went to maine I wanted her to "leave" (I didn't specify enough what that meant originally...), she then was up a bunch that night crying and looking at wedding photos and such. But then later that day I get a calendar invite that she is still going to maine, making it clear she did not care about my feelings or the marriage enough to stay and work on it.

The privacy thing is bull shit imo.

You knew something was up and you investigated and found out the truth. Sort of like you smelled smoke kicked down the door and found the fire.

You legally can't kick her out or change the locks. You can box up her stuff and put it in the basement, while she is gone.

Is the boy friend married? Sounds like she is bound and determined to do what ever she wants. Any asking or bargaining will be taken as a sign of weakness.

What is the deal with the bikini pics, why is that a big thing were you sneakily taking the pics, was she posing for the pics? Or what?

Now that I've given her "permission" she went full on sexual talk and them sexting/masturbating.

What????

I was very confused and said basically "I'm taking off my wedding ring and "giving you up", I completely disagree with what you are doing but can't stop you. You think you know what you need to do. Or something to that effect, frankly the last week is blurring!!!

That's what's eating me, I didn't properly confront her and I waffled badly on what was ok and what was not.

Bikini pics I took sneakily, yes

Boyfriend not married. Could confront him but don't see what good it would do...

Her mom and family knows what's going on to a certain extent. I don't know if her mom knows the plans to cheat or not though.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 9:12 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

The animosity has been simmering - she said when she revealed her "feelings' that it's been 5 years she has felt disconnected and resentment (drinking, my lack of caring, etc.)

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If you want to reconcile you can start with this tomorrow and ask her how you can move from there and make it functional and how you can change/help. But be stern that going there will make it impossible. Expect the worse though. I also think talking to OM and demanding what he is up to will make him honest. Do not give a free ride. Most probably he is in this for thrill. Women get easily duped by players who know how to navigate. She has given the POS what is wrong in the marriage and he is using it as the blue print

I shouldnt' have said some things to him but what little privacy I had left is now gone" and wouldn't talk any more.

Many people are confused about this: privacy is not a shield to conduct a secret affair. Marriage just doesn't work that way.

Do not try to initiate any discussion with her. She knows that she's completely in the wrong, she just doesn't care about anything but getting on with her pal. Let her do what she's going to do, lawyer up and follow through with any instructions you get there.

How do you guys do quotes? didn't see that in the FAQ...

I've already addressed the simmering resentment and was already making changes (I actually quit drinking, had already drastically cut it in the last year), quit porn, was doing all sorts of helping around the house, etc. I get it had only been a week since this was revealed... I said I wanted to make a change and make it work, but she had to cut off the affair. She didn't even say it to my face, but sent me a calendar invite so I knew who was babysitting the kids during the daytime on the days she was going to be in maine..

I had said this morning that I was forgiving her and releasing her and really hopeful for our future, stuff like that, so it was like I gave her "permission" to do whatever she wanted because I would "always be there for her"..

And she just took advantage of it is how it feels unless I'm misreading it. But she was still talking to him right after I said this stuff...

looks like your SIL is harboring undue resentment and does not realize the damage she is causing. The POS may be deceiving both of them. Since you already discussed changes you have made for the good, remind her that tomorrow and what she is going to do will change everything. Do not give her permission and be stern that you are against her going. Talk to the OM and let him know the mess he is going to create/face.

If nothing good come out of it, do not budge when she come running back after the true colors of the POS is exposed. You need to have little bit of positive anger in these circumstances. As long as WW knows that you are in tow she will enjoy the cheat.Act like you are going to end it to save it as they say.

[This message edited by goalong at 9:40 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Saying the marriage was bad is just rewriting marital history. Most Waywards do that to justify their actions.

You can’t control her. You can only control you. She made a decision to cheat (not a mistake).

Your WW is continuing her A right in front of you.

Your WW is free to date ant men she wants but not as your wife.

Don’t go see her. If she wants to talk to you, just say that you refuse to discuss or talk about anything while she is having an affair. If she ends the affair and if she is truthful, then you can discuss. After saying that, walk away. If she say she doesn’t have an affair or that you are crazy, walk away. Because there’s no point discussing with a dishonest spouse.

Friend, there’s nothing to discuss while she is having an A. Detach, take care of you and your kids and start the D process. You’re afraid she might leave you? Her leaving is less bad than you living in Infidelity.

Stay calm and stand firm. That’s the only way out of Infidelity.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:46 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

As you've seen you can't make her do anything. Talk gets you nothing in these situations.

Only your actions will count for much. Better wake up.

You can control you.

If she goes to Maine she will consummate their affair.

Why would you stay married to someone who is rubbing that in your face?

You do have a choice in this.

If it were me it would be ultimatum time. You go to Maine to sleep with your new boyfriend you'll be served D papers. Now is not the time to waffle or you'll make this even worse for yourself.

However, making ultimatums that you won't back up will just make this worse on you.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:47 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Thanks SHutterHappy and marz. Good advice.

Even though I waffled a bit, I was consistent about how much this would hurt me, and the marriage (I even tried to say do it for her, separate from both of us and take time for herself) and damage things if she went out there, and just wanted to know if this was worth it and if she wanted to save the marriage ("it's up to me" in regards to if this effort was worth it, and no answer to saving the marriage, or at most an "i'm not sure yet").

Also, reading the texts from him, she talks about how she's not on birth control so get condoms, and she has doctor appointment in February, so she was going to ask about it then. That implies to me that no matter what she said or did to indicate possible confusion or reconciliation on her part, she was planning on continuing the affair at a later date, and wasnt' goign to come back after this and give any serious thought to working on us.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 9:50 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

How do you guys do quotes?

Highlight the quote you want to post and right click "copy."

Paste it in the post box.

Highlight the quote you pasted.

On the left side of the post box you will see bold, italic, and quote. Click 'quote.' Don't hesitate to ask if it doesn't work right away.

If it were me it would be ultimatum time. You go to Maine to sleep with your new boyfriend you'll be served D papers. Now is not the time to waffle or you'll make this even worse for yourself.

However, making ultimatums that you won't back up will just make this worse on you.

Yes, I've waffled too much. I feel like an idiot... I didn't know how to react, it's so confusing. I love her and wanted to make things work, and there is just so much to absorb. I was trying to just get through with my head down and just wanted to check and see if I could see for sure where her heart was at before I did all this...

Don’t go see her. If she wants to talk to you, just say that you refuse to discuss or talk about anything while she is having an affair. If she ends the affair and if she is truthful, then you can discuss. After saying that, walk away. If she say she doesn’t have an affair or that you are crazy, walk away. Because there’s no point discussing with a dishonest spouse.

Friend, there’s nothing to discuss while she is having an A. Detach, take care of you and your kids and start the D process. You’re afraid she might leave you? Her leaving is less bad than you living in Infidelity.

This is great - I'm doing that starting tomorrow. Only contact will be about kids.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 10:00 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

What do I do about all the family stuff? E.g. we have dinner planned every night, recital, warrior factory this weekend, visit to a friends house for the bills game...

I want to balance "doing the 180" with also being there for my kids and myself... Don't want to give any ammunition for trying to mess the kids up/custody, etc.

[This message edited by uberdave223 at 10:07 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Yes, I've waffled too much. I feel like an idiot... I didn't know how to react, it's so confusing. I love her and wanted to make things work, and there is just so much to absorb. I was trying to just get through with my head down and just wanted to check and see if I could see for sure where her heart was at before I did all this...

What this told her is you accept her actions and she can do as she pleases. How'd that work out for you?

If she goes to see him that tells you everything you need to know. She is going there to have sex with her new boyfriend.

Better wake up

What do I do about all the family stuff? E.g. we have dinner planned every night, recital, warrior factory this weekend, visit to a friends house for the bills game...

You either take control of your life or give control over you to her.

Bud, she's planning on having sex with another man while married to you. The Calvary isn't coming. You don't stand up for yourself no one else is going to fix this for you.

Stop living in fear of making her mad or hurting her feelings. Do you count for anything or not?

Did you take pictures secretly of her sister? Was she underage? Either or both of those are serious. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it was very stable.

Who has the pictures? Does her sister know you did it? This is what you need to deal with. Your marriage appears to be dead.

Don’t issue ultimatums. They don’t work on someone in the fog. Get your ducks in a row.