SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I have been reading everything it can and just found this site. Hopefully I can help navigate what I am going through.

I felt something was off for a few months, I had asked my partner if everything was good and I was starting to feel disconnected she said that I was being crazy. She went to her sisters for a week and came back and things seemed to be fine.

She was on her phone alot but she told me that she had a friend that was going through some stuff and needed her. I asked her if she was cheating on me and she told me that, jealousy is unattractive and no she would be crazy to cheat on me.

Fast forward to Dec. 22, I got woken up in the middle of the night, well early morning by my fan spinning out of control. I got up, once i'm awake i'm up. I was bored it was four in the morning. I went in her room to see if she was up. She was asleep. We sleep in different rooms. There was a message on her ipad that said, sleep well love. I was a bit curiuos so I logged into the ipad and read a series of messages, some to her obviously lover and some to her step brother.

One of the messages to her step brother was, that the ap wants to leave his wife but can't because she would get half of his business so he is trying to figure out how to leave her.

I grabbed her phone and started reading. She was in the middle of an affair. It had been going on for a few months, based on the messages she had meet up with him when she went to her sisters and they had sex multiple times. She told her step brother the ap was her soulmate and the love of her life. I was livid.

I woke her up and told her that its fucking over. Kicked her out. She looked at me and said ok. I stood there shocked. I asked why did she think this was a good idea, she said i probably thought of it one of the times your d*** was in my a**.

I told her to leave. We were planning on moving in three months and she had been telling the ap that she would be his mistress. Once we got to our new city, where he lived, she would leave me. He is a sport agent and pretty well off.

I know this because weeks before she asked me to help figure out how much her new 'client' was worth. She's a website designer. He appears to be a millionaire. So she stayed for eight days, i had to deal with her being here.

She finally left Dec. 30th to fly to the new city.

I'm assuming she had to meet up with him then because he had to spend new years with his wife and two kids. I have been working through the pain and betrayal but its hard.

I haven't heard from her. i told her it was done and I don't talk to exe's before she left. She sent me a text saying that she was "for what it's worth, i am sorry for everything." and not to block her number until she left.

I blocked her number. I went to her room one day before she left and knocked and said i have thought about it and if you want to talk we can talk. She looked at me and said "No Im good" and went back to texting whoever. Seven years. She left on monday, I was out of the house because I didn't want to see her leave.

It sucks that she replaced me so quickly wihtout a chance of the "hey our relationship sucks we should talk about" nothing, just i've found a sugar daddy and later. I miss her and I am sad most days, but I have been taking care of myself, gym everyday, reading, long walks. It just sucks.

I feel I should add, we had sex every three days, before the affair and during. We had sex sunday night and the next day is the day i found out. I don't know if that matters but I guess I wanted to say it seemed that our sex life wasn't the issue.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 5:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Why do you sleep in separate rooms?

Just a suggestion: Line feeds..

I don't know what line feeds are. We sleep in seperate rooms because she has severe ADHD and she stays up all night because its quiet and she can concentrate better. That's what she told me anyway.

While the "No I'm good." line might seem like her just not caring at all, I think it's more likely that she's terrified of having to confront you face to face. Likely due to shame and guilt. This is probably also contributing to her "affair fog"; rationalizing her terrible, evil choices because he's her "soulmate". I think her leaving is as much her running away from herself and her problems as it is running towards this fantasy.

If you can, contact the OBS. She deserves to know that her husband is not only carrying on an affair but also spending their money on his side piece. I imagine it shouldn't be too difficult if he's a big shot sports agent.

Block her on absolutely everything. When her fantasy implodes and she realizes this man really isn't her soulmate, she'll almost certainly try to contact you. Read The Healing Library, find a good therapist specializing in infidelity and trauma, and welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

I am a full disclosure person.

You need to tell her AP's wife about this. She has a right to know, just as you did. Not because she may divorce him and take half his business- that's just collateral damage. You do it because you would want, and need, to know if the roles were reversed.

Sorry you found yourself here. A couple comments. I'm sure it's hard to digest and it all sucks, however when these things happen we have a choice on how we look at it. As someone who wasted 4 years in trying to R when there was no chance of R I am kind of jealous of your situation. At least it's clear where the it all stands and your not finding yourself in a false R like so many here are. I know it may be hard to see it that way and your feeling what you are but just trying to give you a bit of a different perspective.

If this guy is married I would certainly consider letting his wife know what is going on. I would not be doing this to try and get your partner back but rather letting the BS know as most of us BS would want to know.

I have thought about telling the wife. My fear is maybe they have an open marriage or maybe she knows and doesn't care. I feel that part of me would do it to screw over my exe and might regret it later as petty. I don't know.

Telling the OBS isn't done in an effort to be petty. It's done because it destroys affairs... and because it's the right thing to do. No one deserves to have their right to choose taken from them. And unfortunately, once we've discovered an affair, the discovery itself makes us complicit if we choose to keep it secret. Now, WE are the ones who are deciding whether a person's agency is denied them or not. You didn't put yourself in that position. Your ex did. And you no longer owe her any consideration.

Would you have liked it the wife of her BF contacted you to tell you that they were in an affair? If you hide from her you are taking part in their deception.

Tell the wife. Most married couples are not in an open marriage. He is not. If he were, he would not fear his wife taking half the business. And to be honest, if you know his name, blow it up. Put it out in public that he is having an affair with a married woman. Inform her family, your family, and friends. Then see if he stays with her after his business is public knowledge, his wife knows, and his children know. I must say, this is what I would do.

I have thought about telling the wife. My fear is maybe they have an open marriage or maybe she knows and doesn't care. I feel that part of me would do it to screw over my exe and might regret it later as petty. I don't know.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Your WW is well off, cheating, and figuring out how to leave you high and dry while you're at home busting your ass and taking care of the kids. Wouldn't YOU want a heads up? Wouldn't you want to know that you're about to be blindsided and screwed over by your unfaithful spouse now that the AP has been delivered to them on a silver platter? She's being exposed to STDs that can be life threatening too through the OM and whoever else he might be sleeping with aside from your STBX.

This has NOTHING to do with pettiness and everything to do with how you're complicit in whatever awful thing happens to this poor woman because you decided to stay quiet. She deserves the truth. She needs to know what's really going on in her marriage and you're the only one who can and will give it to her.

Hi Sorryforeverything,

First off, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Please know that none of this is your fault and all of this is due to the weaknesses and character flaws of your now-ex. I know that she is someone you have loved and cared about deeply. Unfortunately, she has proven herself to be undeserving of your affection. I know that this doesn't make the feelings of betrayal any less hurtful.

Please ensure you are taking care of yourself. Eating, sleeping, exercising, and avoiding excess drinking etc. I recommend getting yourself tested for STDs - I know this is embarrassing but it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Do you have family/friends or other social supports who you can talk to and support you during this period?

Re: OBS (other betrayed spouse). Contacting her is absolutely the right thing to do. Not for the purposes of retribution, but because she deserves to know. It is very unlikely that she knows or has an open-marriage (even if she did, its unlikely she would be offended by your contact). What is more likely, is that she is someone, like you were very recently, who is living a lie and had no idea that their partner in life was betraying them. Her health and financial future are at risk. If he is cheating on her with your wife, what makes you think that he isn't cheating on her with others (or has in the past). She deserves to know so she can get herself tested and ensure that she and her children are properly cared for. There are so many people here who made giant life choices, such as buying property, moving, having children, making retirement plans, quitting jobs etc etc etc without knowing about their partner's infidelity, who would have made different choices had they'd known. She deserves to know the truth about her own life. Plus, if your wife is right that he is trying to figure out to leave her, she will appreciate the heads up that he's trying to figure out how to screw her (and presumably his kids) out of a business that she's entitled to half of.

I have thought about telling the wife. My fear is maybe they have an open marriage or maybe she knows and doesn't care. I feel that part of me would do it to screw over my exe and might regret it later as petty. I don't know.

You won't know about the open marriage unless you tell his wife. Fear is the mind killer. A near universal step among a series of first steps is to expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse and also to your partner's immediate family (this is so she can't negotiate a soft landing and bullshit her parents or siblings about how you just weren't getting along).

You won't regret it. I did a lot of things wrong, but exposing the affair was one thing I got immediately right. I haven't regretted it for one second. My MIL has been supportive of me throughout and my SIL was supportive until recently.

It's not petty, it's rational and smart because it completely implodes the fantasy of the affair almost immediately and that needs to happen regardless of what happens in the future.

It's also the ethical thing to do. His wife deserves to know just like you would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:03 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

I apperciate the dune reference, my favorite book

Please inform the OM’s wife. She deserves to know she is living a lie. It is the right thing. Sorry this happened to you.

Hi SorryyForEverything

I am sorry for your shock and pain. It does get better I promise but you need to create a plan of action and follow it. Hesitation is not your friend. You wrote about the content of a message you saw on your partner's iPad:

that the ap wants to leave his wife but can't because she would get half of his business so he is trying to figure out how to leave her.

That doesn't sound like a man in an open relationship. Why would "leaving" be an issue if sleeping with your partner were okay. It wouldn't even be worth a mention as an issue would it?

FWIW, partners who walk away in the manner that your's has (and mine did), are completely disengaged at that point. Were your partner to come back, you may find she is almost stranger to you because her end of the emotional connection you shared has gone. Hopefully by that time, you will no longer view her actions towards you as healthy and considerate.

I wish you all the best. This will pass.

I agree but I feel, maybe its a rationailzation, that she just replaced the connection with a new one and didn't deal with us. She told me all the same things when we first started dating, soul mate, love of her life. Maybe just trying to rationailze being tossed aside so easily.

If they are in an open marriage then it can't hurt anything to tell his wife can it?

Let her go. There’s nothing here to save.

she just replaced the connection with a new one and didn't deal with us.

She doesn't want to deal with you.

That would be considerate, doesn't sound like she's into considerate right now.

Sorry this happened OP.