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So, this has been on my mind a lot lately. My WH uses this often-he says that he "compartmentalized" his A and his life with us, his family. That when he came home, he would "never think about the A."

I call BS. Big time.

He would come home but there were always "plans" being made to meet up. When did they happen? Only when he was at work? Bullsh*t. He thought about the A and the AP when he was home. He answered emails from her, he took the occasional phone call from her under the guise of "having to walk the dog". He knew what he was doing.

I am bringing this up bc so many here on SI use this as an excuse, or at least as a reason, as to why their spouse or they could cheat.

Here's a good example of compartmentalizing.

I smoke. Not something I'm proud of. I hide it. I don't smoke around friends or family. Actually, I only smoke at home. I can go weeks without doing it or even thinking about it. But then I smoke again. Am I compartmentalizing my bad habit? Some would say yes. But NO, I am only DENYING the inevitable bc I don't want to think about the consequences of my decision.

IMO, using this as a reason to cheat, or to smoke, or anything else for that matter, is not valid. We know what we are doing. I know every time I light up that I am doing something that isn't good for me and quite possibly, really bad for my family. But guess what, I do it...again and again...because I WANT TO. Same for all who choose to cheat.

So, who else is tired of the word "compartmentalize?"

Thoughts?

[This message edited by devastedone at 5:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Idk, I mean we all do it daily. As I type this a child died of hunger somewhere. Are you thinking about that as you eat a meal you don’t particularly care for? Probably not. I’m not pointing this out to shame you or anything, it’s just a small example to show that compartmentalization is a very real psychological process,

Terms like this and others (being in the fog, an affair of the heart....) are used to make betrayers lessen the impact of what they have done so they can move forward quickly and feel little need for any consequences. It's like after cheating on your spouse, you get to cheat with your feelings and the betrayed.

I understand these terms have some bit of validity, but generally are crap.

Also, he's lying.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 5:52 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

I believe compartmentalizing is real, and some folks REALLY excel at it, and others don't.

I'm a compartmentalization failure. Everything bleeds into other things. I'm okay with that--I have no REASON to box parts of my life into little compartments not touching one another.

In my view (which could be wrong), compartmentalization is a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about consequences. Someone who is active in an affair puts that affair in a box where it doesn't touch the rest of their genuine life. Think about how much mental energy this would take.

It's truly not about "not thinking about the affair" around the family/marriage. It's more of the viewing the affair in a vacuum. Something that they convince themselves won't touch anything else in their lives.

Devastated, you don't compartmentalize your smoking habit because you see how it bleeds over into your family and other parts of your life. If you truly compartmentalized your smoking, you would rationalize that this was for you, no one would find out, it wasn't hurting anyone else (only you), etc.

Does this make sense? I believe most people who engage in affairs compartmentalize to some extent and it is a coping mechanism because most of them know that fundamentally they are doing a very wrong thing.

Cat

I've been wrestling with the same issue over the past couple of weeks. My WS has been using compartmentalization as an excuse all along. Here's my hang up: he has also said the first time they were face to face outside of work, the discussion was "getting to know you and the negative impacts an affair has on careers and family" They were literally discussing how an affair could destroy their families while rationalizing their desire for an affair. Seems like everything was intertwined to me!

I'm also a lucky one that got to deal with the horror of limerence, and spent almost two months after discovery with a WS who would not stop contacting the AP. 2 months of him knowing that I knew what was up, watching the trauma I was dealing with, watching my hair fall out and my weight plummet. And he was "compartmentalizing" that? Nope. Addiction. Rationalizing. Justifying.

I think compartmentalizing gets intertwined with rationalizing and justifying. It's one thing to be leaving the AP and start thinking about your family and stuff those negative feelings down. It's another thing to be with your family and go in the bathroom to email your AP. The latter is not compartmentalizing. That's feeding an addiction that has been created with rationalizing and justification.

When my WS was still contacting the AP once the veil had been lifted, that was absolutely not compartmentalization. That was purely feeding an addiction for selfish reasons. He didn't care about me, the kids, our life, his career, or his reputation. It was alllllll feeding the addiction, and rationalizing/justifying it all along the way.

Compartmentalizing is stuffing the negative feelings away-those feelings of guilt and shame. Putting them in a different box so you don't have to feel them. You know what else makes a WS not feel guilt and shame? The high of an affair.

Addiction and compartmentalizing are both at play. I think compartmentalizing is the softer landing for a WS. Not matter how you slice it, it's all purely selfish.

KingRat-not quite the same thing. And yes, it is a psychological process. I am in the mental health field. In fact, I worked in Child Protective Services right out of college (a very long time ago). I had to compartmentalize to some extent or I wouldn't have been able to function. The stories were that horrific.

But this is different-I am talking about the decisions made by Waywards daily and then use the compartmentalization "excuse" to defend how they could continue, day after day, to make the decision to betray.

BP-yes, totally know he's lying. ;-) I'm 5 1/2 years out...I get it. And he knows I have called BS on all of it. I'm all about taking accountability for one's actions.

[This message edited by devastedone at 6:02 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman-

Yes, I see your point and agree.

I guess that I am just trying to point out that this word/excuse/rationale is used a lot. At first, it's a good thing-at least it was for me-to stop the initial bleeding. It allowed me to truly believe that he "didn't think of us at all."

As time has passed, I just am tired of it. I want him to admit that he did think of us and that in the end, we didn't matter to him at that moment in time.

Accountability. Owning it. For me, that's a big part in the process.

[This message edited by devastedone at 6:34 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Hi Devestatedone,

I've struggled with the whole compartmentalization thing as well. Partly because my husband was apparently a master of it and partly because it's just so foreign to me. I simply cannot imagine myself being able to do it so its a struggle for me to understand.

From what I *can* understand, the part he compartmentalized was his feelings. His feelings about the AP and what he was doing there and his feelings for me. He said he kept one separate from the next and actively tried not to think about her when we were together and vice versa because he knew it was wrong and it made him feel shitty. It was avoidance of bad feelings more than anything.

To use your example of smoking, I actually think that for you the act of avoiding thinking about the known consequences of smoking is a great example of you compartmentalizing. You wouldn't be able to enjoy smoking if every time you smoked you felt guilt and shame, so you push those feelings down and those thoughts aside so you can enjoy it. You try not to think about it when you aren't smoking because again, it'll make you feel bad.

To be clear, I'm not saying it's a good excuse or reason. Obviously there is no excuse or reason that would be valid. Obviously all cheater cheat because they want to. I'm just saying that I think the ability to compartmentalize bad feelings is something that cheaters with a conscience need to do.

Compartmentalization is not an excuse. It is a coping mechanism . . . the mental gymnastics required of someone who wants a family and a side piece and needs to be able to wedge both into their lives.

It's something that needs to be broken down in the course of IC so that the WS sees the vast mental work that has gone into building the layer upon layer of rationalization, justification and just plain lying to THEMSELVES that has built up those compartments.

It's not an excuse. It was never meant to be. It is deliberately constructed to allow an affair to exist alongside another relationship.

Period.

Cat

devastedone

You wrote of compartmentalizing:

I am only DENYING the inevitable bc I don't want to think about the consequences of my decision.

That's exactly it I think... compartmentalizing is just a word that means denying the inevitable and not thinking about consequences. I think you're right we all do it. I eat too many potato chips even though I know they're bad for me.

Some people can do it so much more easily than others. My WW was able to compartmentalize and not think about me or the consequences of what she was doing when she was with her AP.

I could never do that... my guilt would creep into my every waking thought. It would eat me alive and I know this. i'm disappointed that my wife could and I will never fully trust her again.

Anyway you're 100% right... its a bullshit excuse for cheating and not at all valid in any way. Don't let your WH hide behind that word. He needs to own what he did to you and your M.

I'm going to go eat a bag of chips now even though I know I shouldn't... but you can bet I'm going to own that shit.

He would come home but there were always "plans" being made to meet up. When did they happen? Only when he was at work? Bullsh*t. He thought about the A and the AP when he was home. He answered emails from her, he took the occasional phone call from her under the guise of "having to walk the dog". He knew what he was doing.

This is exactly why I struggle with the compartmentalizing. He didn't just interact with other women when he was away from me. He did it sitting right next to me. Laying right next to me. He did it while he was with his kids. He would sneak away to the bathroom and do it. I am 100% certain that I interrupted him more than once. So how exactly could he keep the boxes separate when he would take out two boxes at the same time, juggling both his real life and his fantasy life in the same minutes?

I am totally not buying it.

I want him to admit that he did think of us and that in the end, we didn't matter to him at that moment in time.

My WS uses compartmentalization to explain his thought process A LOT, but also acknowledges that it was selfish, that he jeopardized our family, and that he destroyed everything that we had. He says "I was happy at home, and I was happy in my affair." Has your WS acknowledged anything similar? Is he acknowledging it in other ways?

As a BS, we have the unfortunate task of coming to terms with the fact that the WS did all of this because it felt good. While they may have very well been enjoying moments with their families, my gosh it felt so dang good to get a compliment from the Whore-Worker. While they were building themselves up, they were destroying us. FOR WHAT?!

It's a battle to process and come to grips with the fact that we literally didn't matter. But the mind of a WS is so selfish, no matter how they view things, it's all through a lens of feeding their own egos and meeting their own needs.

Hang tough. I see your 5 years out? That's a long time to be sitting in this schmutz.

I agree that anyone who believes “reason” and “excuse” are synonymous is being disingenuous at best. But I also believe sometimes people make an assumption that by stating a reason, a person is making an excuse or attempting to mitigate his/her responsibility.

Thank you all for your responses.

Yes, my WH has admitted and taken responsibility for his actions. He has admitted that in the end, he did it because he wanted to. But that word does creep in...probably bc I push him a bit.

Catwoman, like you, I totally fail at compartmentalizing (well, other than my bad smoking habit). I bleed all over when I am lying. I have struggled for the past 5 years with this-why didn't I choose to do what he did? Why, when things have been tough for me (after his A, when my mom died) didn't I choose to make a bad decision?

Honestly, there is no right answer. I am who I am. No better or worse than others.

But that WORD...while I understand it...I just won't accept it anymore.

I believe that it is a real thing and that is a part of someone’s mental psyche as much as anxiety, lying, being an over achiever, whatever is innately theirs. No not everyone does it, I surely don’t. Is it possible that some people hear the term in therapy or read it somewhere and decide they will claim that? Yes.

My husband absolutely does this and not just during his A. He also has a few personality defects that are a little quirky. Looking back on our 28 years together this has been true our whole life together. His A took planning at least the day of a meet up. He came up with a lie and carried it out. But anyone who is cheating will do that. When he was with OW he didn’t answer my texts or calls if I made any. When he was home with me, he took no calls or texts and he didn’t make any either. He also spent time with me and our children on several family events and appointments. For him it was almost methodical.

Only you know your WH. If this hasn’t been his pattern as long as you’ve known him maybe he isn’t being honest. But I truly think compartmentalism is real in many cases.

I don't like the terms 'fog' or 'compartmentalize' either. I too think they were thinking about the AP while at home with their spouse Mine was actually texting MOW whist in the same room with me, how's that for compartmentalizing.

Compartmentalization is real.

Do you want a spouse doing it to get away with stuff? No.

Does that mean it isn't real? No.

It's dysfunctional!!!!!

And it's your choice on how to handle your very broken wayward and his dysfunction. I mean, shooting up with heroin to face the day is a real thing, and you'd be 100% justified in divorcing someone who copes this way.

Your wayward is not lying when he explains his bad behavior. But the truth is that your "How did you do it?" is looking for a good reason, a valid excuse to help you make sense. But there isn't one. He is giving you an honest answer because you probably ask over and over again, but it's a dysfunctional answer, not an excuse. If you don't like his answer, then probably avoid the question. He is telling you exactly what happened, how messed up people think.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:05 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

My WBF claims he’s been compartmentalizing the EA. When I asked him when he would contact her, he said it was only when I was not around. He even said “I’m a shit but not so much of a shit that I would do that when you were here.” He did admit that it was a proximity thing - for example, he wouldn’t text her if I was in the same or next room, but if he was upstairs and I was in the basement (where my office is), then he would. When we were visiting my family, and we were staying in a hotel, he would wait until I was asleep and then go into the bathroom to communicate with her as “it didn’t feel right to text her when lying in bed next to you.” More like he was concerned I would wake up and see what he was doing.

Whether this is a real coping mechanism or not, I just see it as excuses. I am not that way at all. Everything bleeds into everything else. If I’m upset about work, it carries over into my personal life and vice versa.

@NotTheSideChick - this is what I am dealing with right now, except I removed myself from the situation as I could not bear to be in the same house, knowing he was still communicating with her. I know not everyone has that luxury. How did you cope with that? Did he eventually pull his head out of his a**? TBH I’m still wondering if moving out was the right thing, or if being right under his nose, with him knowing full well that I knew what he was doing, would have been better and brought him out of the infatuation.

I don't understand it. My IC says everyone does it. My mind is always racing on several things. Maybe I do it and am not aware. 🤷‍♀️

I think it is a real thing and everybody does it as coco says. I also don’t understand it - I am terrible at it, but wish I could do it!

I have trouble sleeping due to work stress or fretting about the state of the world, and back in the day about my issues that brought me here- this tells me I am terrible at compartmentalizing. However I’m glad it wasn’t a skill of mine for a while, I think the lack of it is part of why my EA was “relatively” low key by comparison and why I never took it to PA. I was guilt ridden and unhappy yet obsessed at the same time.

My husband on the other hand is a very good compartmentalizer. He leaves work at work for the most part, handles a lot really well...but when he takes the lid off his self protective compartments to face tough things - he will cry and he feels very deeply. He can keep it at bay for a loooing time though, but when he lets it out he has a lot of heart, emotional reactions, etc. but his ability to compartmentalize is coupled with conscientiousness and a lot of empathy.

I think if you take the relatively positive skill of compartmentalizing and combine it with diminished empathy and entitlement or resentment etc etc - then you get a real problem.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]