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I truly found out the end of May last year if I wasn't blind I would have seen it much sooner. As I look back I see a lot of signs that I should have seen, but given all I was going through I guess I missed them. Stupid thing is I knew she had self esteem issues but I loved her anyway, thought that would be enough

yeah, she tried to guilt me with the kids into not doing the right thing. I called her on that and she really didn't have an answer. Its all about her. Shitty thing is I love her and I am pretty sure she loves me she just can't do the right thing

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:57 PM, April 4th (Saturday)]

Marz

That's what I sad but it got glossed over

The real question that you have to ask your self is what now, what do I want my future to look like.

Looking back, do you think that this was her first and only affair? Is this a deal breaker for you?

Do you think that she really wants the marriage because of love or because it's easy?

I have to agree with the other posters here who recommend telling the OBS at least. Her family...... I hold off on that just out of kindness. The OBS deserves to know.

If you know the affair partner's name then finding out the name of their spouse probably isn't going to be very hard to do. Just spend half an hour looking everywhere you can for his name and probably hers will come up somewhere too. It's not going to be that hard with a name and a rough idea of their location.

If you don't know the guy's name it is going to be harder but it appears that you do.

Do not tell you wife before you expose her.

Look at it this way. She knew how much it hurt you when you first found out. In spite of that she went back. None of this is on you. It's on her and it's on her AP.

You say that you think she she loves you. If she did she wouldn't have had the affair in the first place and even if you are extremely forgiving and say she made a mistake and we'll fix it she has decided to keep on behind your back. She doesn't love you. She is using you. If she loved you she wouldn't be going around behind your back.

Get your ducks in a row, protect yourself legally and make plans to get out. Your wife is not trying to make this marriage work.

Shitty thing is I love her and I am pretty sure she loves me she just can't do the right thing

You are projecting your feelings onto her.

I love her so she must love me too?

Nope, her actions don’t say that. Her words are meaningless.

You have fully awakened to reality yet. Until you do you’ll probably keep yourself tied up in this. No one has that control over you except yourself.

What buster said.

You need to tell the OBS. You aren't ruining her family. Her CH already did that. You will be saving her.

Again, put yourself in the shoes of the OBS. You would want to know. Her AP ALREADY "ruined his family" by having an A. His wife just doesn't know it.

It takes TWO people to R. Right now, that is not the case with your WW. Again, read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (i'm told you can get a PDF of it for free online). Do that TODAY (it's an easy read - took me an afternoon). It will help you get some clarity.

And you cannot make or force or control your WW getting it and owning it and becoming "R material". Either she will make it a priority or she won't. If she won't, R is not on the table (cuz it takes TWO to R).

First and only affair? I would like to think so,

I had kind of resolved myself that it might happen due to her low self esteem. But I think this is the only one. Why ? I have no idea. I guess because I love her

First and only affair? I would like to think so,

I had kind of resolved myself that it might happen due to her low self esteem. But I think this is the only one. Why ? I have no idea. I guess because I love her

Sit back and watch her actions and determine if they align with her words. Your gut will know if she loves you back.

Upfront they all go into self protection mode. At least short term.

From what you’ve posted that’s all you’re seeing.

Here's the deal. I had told her honesty even if it hurts. That's what we agreed to I looked at her phone and saw a picture of a skype message from him. It said can you do me a favor. She replied sure. I asked her if she and him asked each other for favors, Not directly confronting her . She said no we don't ask each other for favors. I asked her a couple of times about this. She denied it each time . I finally confronted her and she said she wanted to know if I was monitoring her cloud. The next day we talked about it and she said she protecting me. So thid is where I am

I honestly believe she loves me, She just doesn't know how to do it. Sounds stupid I know, Maybe I am the stupid one

We don't know your spouse so we cannot speak with any authority, however, the second part of the phrase: what you don't know won't hurt you.... also won't hurt them either!

not sure what that means

I finally confronted her and she said she wanted to know if I was monitoring her cloud.

This is NOT the response of a remorseful spouse.

if I wasn't blind I would have seen it much sooner.

You are blaming yourself for not finding out about the A. WTF? It's not your fault your WW was living a secret sexual life. It's not your fault she lied to you.

You are letting a known liar and cheater define & drive YOUR life. What are you going to do about it?

You can't control her. You can't make her find a clue. you can't make her have empathy. You cannot make her have basic respect for you or the trauma she has caused by her selfishness. You cannot fix her. You cannot change her. She is not within your control.

What IS w/in your control? YOU!

Your wife is still active in her A (NC means NO contact)

She is still lying to you.

She is still following the cheater's playbook.

Have you tried the 180? I was awful at it, but many are not. eventually, I was able to learn to detach. detach. detach. Focus on YOU and what YOU want separate and apart from your WW. Doesn't mean you D or S, it does mean that you work on the ways in which you can use this grief and hurt and pain and shit sandwich to heal and learn and grow.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:21 AM, April 5th, 2020 (Sunday)]

I finally confronted her and she said she wanted to know if I was monitoring her cloud. The next day we talked about it and she said she protecting me. So thid is where I am

How sweet she’s cheating but wants to protect you? With a hint of I need you to respect my privacy to cheat?

Nope, she’s just a typical cake eater. This is a typical affair. Nothing special about it al all. Happens all the time.

You probably naively thought that since you found out it would end. Nope, that’s not how it works.

I honestly believe she loves me, She just doesn't know how to do it. Sounds stupid I know, Maybe I am the stupid one

You would be smart to stop projecting your feelings onto her.

Her actions tell you what?

Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark. Your marriage doesn’t exist right now. An affair trumps everything. Marriage, family, etc.

Unless the affair ends the marriage can’t be worked on if that’s what you seek.

Best way to try and break an affair is exposure without warning.

Right now you’re letting your fears guide you. Which will result in failure.

Better wake up to reality or you’re gonna get more of what you’ve gotten.

what you don't know won't hurt you.... also won't hurt them either!

If you don’t know what’s going on then they can continue.

That's what we agreed to I looked at her phone and saw a picture of a skype message from him. It said can you do me a favor. She replied sure

Sounds like nothings changed. Get the picture yet?

[This message edited by Marz at 2:04 AM, April 5th (Sunday)]