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I don’t know why, but this phrase seems to be popping up all over the board. Maybe because there are so many BS here that are now figuring out if they want to stay.

Just my opinion, but any BS that chooses to R has to at some point just eat it. Doesn’t matter if their WS is still in a fog, or is the most remorseful WS ever. The act of eating it is basically the same as acknowledging and accepting it happened. Doesn’t mean they like it, but it happened, they can’t change it, so they have to live with it.

For me the sandwich sat on my plate for a year. I refused to eat it. In fact I smashed it into my WS a few times. Eventually though if I wanted to stay married I knew I would have to hold my nose and swallow it. For me it didn’t work out so well. It sat and festered in my stomach for years, until it all regurgitated up and the mess it made so soiled our marriage that it could never be cleaned up

I recognize some BS’s here eat it, and some digest it in a matter of weeks, and others it may take years. BTW, I realize that in many cases the WS is crying and upset they have served the BS, the sandwich. That still doesn’t change the fact they still expect the BS to eat it to save the marriage.

Any thoughts?

I recognize some BS’s here eat it, and some digest it in a matter of weeks, and others it may take years. BTW, I realize that in many cases the WS is crying and upset they have served the BS, the sandwich. That still doesn’t change the fact they still expect the BS to eat it to save the marriage.

Any thoughts?

Idk, I don't feel like that. I feel more like, what didn't kill me made me stronger and wiser.

But in my case, I believe my WH is remorseful. We had virtually no contact for three months after I kicked him out, we're legally separated, and have a very fair agreement in place, and we spent another year not living together while he worked on himself and went above and beyond to show me how sorry he was and how much he wanted our relationship/family again.

So maybe this doesn't apply to me, because we're technically not married, we're legally separated. Although, we basically act and function like a monogamous married couple, living with our two little kids.

I don't wear my wedding ring (he does though), and I know that if I decide to walk away from the relationship we have, we've already legally figured out all the boring marriage details like who pays for the vet bills and which years we each get the tax refund for our kids, and as sad or disappointed as I might be, I know I'd be okay.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 1:16 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)]

I think a remorseful WS’s desire to reconcile the marriage is very different from having an expectation of the BS to reconcile. They are totally different things. I think a remorseful WS fully accepts that divorce is a logical consequence of their actions and doesn’t blame the BS if they choose that path. I think a WS who has the expectation of reconciliation is still in a mindset of deep entitlement.

I'm divorcing but I agree.

I don't think it's specific to marriages either. If someone betrays you egregiously, you have to eat the shit sandwich if you decide to continue the relationship.

Some are better at it than others. I think it's an action of grace and integrity to look past large flaws and mend any relationship after betrayal or neglect.

The other instances where I think this comes in to play is with parents/children. Some children embrace a parent who was absent for some reason. Some don't.

If the shit sandwich is acknowledgment and acceptance, isn’t it something every BS has to eat regardless of whether they stay or go? I might be wrong or maybe don’t understand what you’re saying, but it seems to me like acceptance has to happen in order for a BS to move on regardless of if they do so with their WS or not.

Nine years since her POSOM croaked in his sleep, seven years since the Shit Sandwich and side salad was served. Six years since we got it together and it seems we have made it through. That is not so say that a bump in the road can't bring the taste into the back of the mouth but I am sure, finally, that there isn't a second helping in the freezer. It takes a lot now, to bring it all back, and it doesn't happen that often but it never quite goes away completely. Forty-five years ago I picked up a potentially fatal disease. The full effect hit me just after we had eaten a steak sandwich from a place known for it's barbeque. I don't mind the smell of barbeque any more, just can't eat it.

Unfortunately the construction of that sandwich means that all the AP’s are there in the middle.

Some of you may have been served a dainty little finger sandwich which may be easy to swallow, but mine is enormous.

It’s one of those crazy Sandwiches which barely fit on the plate and takes two hands, a knife, fork and spoon to eat. Actually my Sandwich could feed an entire family for a year.

I would love to serve it up to my Greed Glutton STBX WH as he deserves to eat it.

WWTL - You are one of the people I think of often. I feel like many days I will wind up where you are. (Which from my perspective is not a bad place, just a place of realization that a dealbreaker is sometimes just a dealbreaker.)

That shit sandwich is just too disgusting. It's currently sitting on the plate in front of me. I clean the table around it, try to ignore it, my WH would do anything I wanted to help me digest it. (Add bacon? Extra seasoning? Take a vacation to eat the sandwich in a beautiful atmosphere? Go to therapy, read books, anything to figure out different ways to digest it?) He'd love to take back making it. (Wouldn't they all?) But there it sits.

And I tell myself all of the time that it just IS what it is. I cannot change it. And I have to CHOOSE to either eat it or walk away. The problem is, that underneath that shit in the sandwich is my children, my home, my friends, my security, and last but not least, the partner I thought I had for the past 23 years. (I am sure you understand.)

So it sits. And I hope for a day when I can have the strength, or find the answer to how I can eat it or throw it away. The injustice of it just kills me. It's us having to take responsibility for someone else destroying our life. And having to live with that person if we want to keep whatever pieces are left.

WWTL

Your statement is correct in that deciding to R and therefore ACCEPTANCE is eating the sandwich. You will never get even. Even a RA will do nothing because it will not carry the same level of betrayal, as in many cases it is expected and announced.

It will never be fair, and its a waste fretting about that. Some will be OK, some will stay and be miserable, some will do what you did and try but not be able to stay, and some will just D.

I do however, think that the WS ACTIONS after getting caught or confessing have a lot to do with how much and how often and how long the "sandwich" keeps coming up in your throat,

I think most here of BS eat the sandwich to some extent or they would not be here. They would D and never taste the sandwich after the first bite.

Even if a person divorces immediately after discovery, doesn't some of that sandwich still get on them? Like maybe if it was thrown at them, and hits them in the face?

And is that stain still superficial? I mean, no matter what, the sandwich was made and served. No one wanted their spouse to cheat. No one wanted to leave the life they had planned in front of them. And when you tell anyone why you are no longer married.....because your spouse cheated.....that shit stain on your face may be faded, but it is still impregnated into the surface. IT'S NOT WHAT WE WANTED.

So, we do what is best for ourselves. Some reconcile, and some divorce. Some take a path somewhere in the middle. But that damn sandwich had such an impact on our lives, whether we eat it or not.

I find the metaphor disgusting in ways quite different from the disgust I felt because of infidelity/d-day/recovery, so I don't think the metaphor works. No shit sandwich for me.

I would have to stay in a Drama Triangle to think I was eating a shit sandwich, but that could be just me. My W victimized me, but I'm not a Victim.

I write this to share a different experience from yours for readers to evaluate.

Waited, I'm sorry this was your experience. I'm glad you figured out what you needed to do and did it.

The phrase shit sandwich & having to eat it is so very gross but it is accurate IMO.

The WS has their fun & excitement & sexcapades, then the BS has to live with it.

Like it or not.

Cheating on your spouse is a heinous, heartless crime & most BSs are left with the trauma, reconciled or not.

This is the problem. Don't eat the sandwich. Work on yourself. Acceptance is what ibonnie says, you will be okay.

Take control of your life and let the ws eat the shit sandwich that they earned.

Sh$t sandwich is a term used mostly by people who are opposed to reconciliation.

I think a remorseful WS fully accepts that divorce is a logical consequence of their actions and doesn’t blame the BS if they choose that path. I think a WS who has the expectation of reconciliation is still in a mindset of deep entitlement.

DF in theory this is probably true. But the reality can be quite different. I have pm'd with quite a few members who have read my story and are in a similar situation where despite having a remorseful spouse the BS just can't live with the betrayal. When the actual divorce discussions are brought up, things go south. The WS just can't understand that after all of their work the BS still can't see a path to having a great marriage again. This happened with me. She just couldn't understand how I was able to walk away from a 30 year marriage over a three week affair. My EX understood the hurt, but because it meant nothing to her, she felt I was giving it too much value. She stalled the process anyway she could convinced that if she just had more time I could see her as the wife I had, not the one just me so deeply. This isn't uncommon with other members in the same boat. I get how devastating it is for the remorseful spouse to see clearly see something the BS refuses to. They want R so badly that they don't give up as easily as you infer.

I might be wrong or maybe don’t understand what you’re saying, but it seems to me like acceptance has to happen in order for a BS to move on regardless of if they do so with their WS or not.

I think the point is the ones who divorce right away look at the sandwich, flip the plate over and walk away. they don't accept it.

my WH would do anything I wanted to help me digest it. (Add bacon? Extra seasoning? Take a vacation to eat the sandwich in a beautiful atmosphere?

Mine did too. To the point of giving me a hall pass and offering up a friend from the gym who she felt would be up for sex with me as she was in a swinging kind of lifestyle. I didnt take up the offer.

I do however, think that the WS ACTIONS after getting caught or confessing have a lot to do with how much and how often and how long the "sandwich" keeps coming up in your throat,

This is definitely true. I also think some peoples stomachs are stronger than others.

Even if a person divorces immediately after discovery, doesn't some of that sandwich still get on them? Like maybe if it was thrown at them, and hits them in the face?

Not just in the face. I was covered in it. You dont escape this thing even by walking away without getting damaged in some way.

Sisoon, you are really special in the capacity you have to look at things and see them from a different angle. You provided me with good guidance. I just never could get myself in a position to see things from your point of view. But your POV is one that makes you a great guide.

This is the problem. Don't eat the sandwich. Work on yourself. Acceptance is what ibonnie says, you will be okay.

Take control of your life and let the ws eat the shit sandwich that they earned.

The thing is many don't want to walk away. I get that. Hell, it took me 5 years to get to that point. Not every marriage needs to be trashed. There are common themes here, but every situation is different. The point is I still believe you have to chow down, swallow, and hope the taste goes away if you want to move beyond it.

The act of eating it is basically the same as acknowledging and accepting it happened. Doesn’t mean they like it, but it happened, they can’t change it, so they have to live with it.

If THIS is the definition of a shit sandwich...don't ALL BP's eat it? NONE of us can change anything in our past...so we ALL have to live with "it"...whatever "it" is.

I have instead used the analogy that my H and his adultery co-conspirator SHIT all over our M. When my H and I decided to R...then WE set out to do what I have seen on someone's tagline on here...we cleaned the shit up . My H had to clean most of it up himself...but the SHIT in my head could only be cleaned up by me.

I don't have to accept a DAMN thing!!! But I CAN adapt to anything...just like all survivors !!! WE were able to adapt to our new M...and it has turned out to be the BEST M we have ever had .

Do you think that maybe it was because you couldn't adapt to your new M...and that is why it died? It seems that you were able to just step out of the SHIT your wife piled onto your M...but she is now wallowing all over in it. From what I have read about your wife...she couldn't adapt to her situation of being D...so she may be suffocating in all that shit. That is her consequence of bringing that SHIT into your M.

Rambler says it best-

Let the WS eat the shit sandwich. Lol I am having a hard time recovering from the bs he did in the affair.

My EX understood the hurt, but because it meant nothing to her, she felt I was giving it too much value.

Wow! How cold!

WWTL, sorry if this is too specific to your own sitch and too off the « shit sandwich » topic generally.

I have to say, though, I have followed for years your descriptions of her betrayal of you and its consequences, never understanding this about her or why you could not again, as you put it elsewhere« truly love her. », or as here « swallow the shit sandwich. ». But with this comment about her reaction to your hurt, it starts to get clearer.

I filed immediately after finding out and went with the scorched earth tactic!! I refused to eat that sandwich as I realized there was a lot of filet mignon out there, or in my case, I eventually found a beautiful veal Parmesan!!!!!

I Let the ex eat that s#|+ sandwich that she prepared for me when she was repeatedly admitted to psych hospital!!!

Filing immediately was the best decision I ever made!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:35 PM, May 25th (Monday)]

Mr Blisters, I probably worded that badly. It didn’t come off as cold coming from her. It was more that I heard a thousand times that he meant nothing and she had nothing but revulsion for him after she got daylight from the affair.

The giving it too much value statement never came from her, it was me adding color to her feelings about him, and is confused what I meant