SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Four years ago, give or take a few days -- I don't single out a specific discovery day, as it took a while to get enough truth -- my wife confessed about her A years before.

For newer members here, sorry to see you here, but this place, this forum was a huge part of my reconciliation. The key to SI is a collection of souls who completely understand the literal emotional Hell caused by infidelity.

I've been on hiatus from here, simply to focus on what we've rebuilt together. And outside of the rest of the planet burning outside, and a pandemic circling the globe, life has been really, really good.

A stay at home order is a really solid way to test the strength of the 'new' relationship when we're in the same place all the time. Even with some restrictions lifting, there isn't really many places to escape to yet.

Anyway, I'll not be writing any relationship books anytime soon, but we certainly have our marriage moving in the direction we always wanted.

I would never recommend infidelity to course correct ANY relationship, but things changed pretty fast here after she told me the secret she planned to take to the grave.

By pretty fast, I mean TWO YEARS of an emotional spiral and depression and trying to figure out what I needed from life and from my wife in order to continue together or not.

My wife was surprised when I didn't insist on punishment or justice and offered grace instead. Actually, I was just as surprised. It's why she kept it a secret, she was as certain as I was that I would be done when the truth willed out.

Not everyone deserves grace. Not all of us should offer it either, it was just how she reacted to the pain she caused that gave me pause. Some WS never quite understand the devastation, so it helped me that she really altered her entire approach to the marriage.

I did too.

I'm not sure I've mentioned this one thing before among the many books and many hours of IC -- but there was a video I saw on the 'net with a Rabbi offering some wisdom about love. I'm not Jewish, but the old man on the screen was boiling away all of the extraneous ways modern society looks at love and hit on a metaphor that rang true.

In essence, he talked of the immaturity of young love that aims for what we can take from each other, and that some of us find mature love -- and that's a love that's all about what we can give to each other.

No bumper stickers, or hyperbole, it's how my wife and I approach each and every day.

She's grateful for this opportunity and I'm proud of her for trading in her shame for vulnerability.

Make no mistake, R is fucking hard. It's uphill both ways. But you can rebuild into something better with someone who owns their choices and works at being their best.

Don't settle. Don't compromise. Ask for what you need.

The only reason in the world to R is because you're aiming for the best version of the relationship.

I realize many people are still in pain, from one thing or the other. The world is full of pain these days. Infidelity is a pain I hope to never experience again, and wouldn't wish it on anyone (other than the AP anyway).

I accept that it happened, I don't ever have to be okay with it. I'm sure I'll always hate what happened. I'm just amazed what we did with this last chance. We went all in, and it's something else to have real clarity, love one other, faults and all, sans old of the old games and masks.

Anyway, it's important I think to chart this catharsis by sharing here, to see how I've progressed over the years.

I hope you all are finding your way to other side of the pain, R or D.

I've never cared which path people take to get through, as long as they get there.

Great to see you back. You have been such an inspiration to so many here. Your advice is so well thought out and the path you took for yourself is one many, especially myself, would have been smart to follow.

I’m Jewish. Maybe I would still be married if I didn’t ditch religious classes so much!

Thanks for sharing your words of hope and wisdom about love.

Welcome back Dear Friend! I LOVE this post...thank you for sharing !!!

Great post. It all rings true. Thanks for sharing!

The only reason in the world to R is because you're aiming for the best version of the relationship.

This statement really stood out for me...

My WH is hopeful for R. But wishes for everything to go back the way they were pre last A and Dday.

I want better, I need better and we all deserve better

Although we live apart, I had to moved out, things were so bad. (Separated before Dday) we treat each with respect for the very first time in our 35 years together.

I always gave him and showed him Unconditional Love. I took the good and bad, mostly bad and carried on. I have never received or been shown any love from WH. He treated me like a possession than a wife, lover and life partner.

I would like to share your post with him. He thinks that all we need is time to heal my wounds. He just doesn’t want to do the work. It’s hard for him to see me for the first time. 🙏🏼

Good to see your update, OldWounds. I am glad you are doing well, and your marriage is doing well.

In essence, he talked of the immaturity of young love that aims for what we can take from each other, and that some of us find mature love -- and that's a love that's all about what we can give to each other

.

This is a concept I have been thinking over a lot lately with deep appreciation. It's always nice to see a statement that provides a simple way of seeing something I have been trying to uncomplicate.

It's also something that could never exist in an affair, as those are always about what we can take. It's no wonder that the affairs often reflect highschool behavior, because it's that level of relationship that we are reverting back to in the affair. We forgot to appreciate the richer, far more wonderous long term love we experience in marriage...and I suspect by my own experience that's because we (the ws) stopped showing up and putting the effort into it. We actually experience love most deeply in the giving rather than the receiving.

I have been thinking a lot about those concepts and couldn't quite articulate them the way I wanted to. Thanks again for a very thought provoking post. Best to you and Mrs. Oldwounds and your future.

Hey Waited!

I hope you're well.

...especially myself, would have been smart to follow.

I'm not so sure.

I think you had to take the path you took. It took far longer than you would have liked, but that's because you are a good man. You stayed in hopes your heart would change and to keep your family together, you were doing it for others and not you.

That's as honorable as it gets.

Welcome back Dear Friend! I LOVE this post...thank you for sharing

Ah, W2BHA, good to 'see' your kind hearted soul again as well!

I hope life is going as well as it can.

I'm not sure that I'm back on a day-to-day, I just thought it important to do an update. The annual 'check-up' is good therapy for me and hopefully helps a few more folks too.

After all, (as you already know) it was a hopeful message here in this section that got me to sign up and find my way back.

Hi LadyG,

I want better, I need better and we all deserve better

Absolutely.

If we can't get the work from the WS or their best effort towards being better, there really isn't much reason to stay.

But wishes for everything to go back the way they were pre last A and Dday.

I think this a common starting place for a lot of WS. My wife was hopeful of that to begin with.

However, the way things were before is what got her and got us in trouble. Who among us would want that old false relationship back?

The only way to get something better is to work for it.

I hope your WH figures that out for his sake, because you'll be fine either way!

Hello Hiking,

I hope you and yours are doing well.

We actually experience love most deeply in the giving rather than the receiving.

And we all likely wish we didn't learn this the hard way, but it's so true.

Understandably SI focuses on individual recovery for the WS and the BS, and that's a huge step. Sometimes I wish some of the focus was on what needs to happen next after we figure out what we need in order to go forward.

Love is kind a lost word around here, and it makes perfect sense.

Infidelity is the death of love -- but it doesn't have to be permanent.

It's no wonder that the affairs often reflect highschool behavior, because it's that level of relationship that we are reverting back to in the affair.

Well said. When my wife was describing what happened in her A back to me -- she stopped several times in disbelief, observing how far she had regressed as a person -- during that time.

To me, sometimes people need to fall in order to rise up and appreciate themselves and eventually others better.

I accept that it happened, I don't ever have to be okay with it. I'm sure I'll always hate what happened. I'm just amazed what we did with this last chance. We went all in, and it's something else to have real clarity, love one other, faults and all, sans old of the old games and masks.

I'm off to try and google that YouTube video. It's something I've been thinking about quite a lot lately. That neither my WH nor I really knew each other 20 years ago when we pledged and promised to stay with each other for life. So we certainly could not have loved each other in an authentic way. It doesn't negate that he lacked basic decency and respect for me (and himself) and showed that with his rock-bottom of the affair, but it is interesting to think about. Today, we know each other well. Perhaps that is something to be grateful for and build on. (Not sure that will be enough though!)

Anyways, it is wonderful to see this post from you OW. So glad you and your W are doing well.

Welcome back, Oldwounds. Your wisdom will always be welcome. Thanks for this update.

I’m so glad to see you pop in Oldwounds!

I’d have to say that one of my aha moments was the more I gave to the relationship, the more I got back.

I had cast myself as a martyr prior by giving and doing for the kids, the household. I didn’t nurture my relationship. There is a very big difference.

I’m happy to hear that you two are doing well. Stay safe and well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:28 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz and Sisoon!

Ah, I do miss being a volunteer helper with you guys.

Such an awesome crew.

Thanks as always for the kind words.

I’d have to say that one of my aha moments was the more I gave to the relationship, the more I got back.

It sounds like a slam dunk to give more, but it's not always easy for either partner after the relationship hits the rocks!

So glad you and your W are doing well.

Thanks TX1995 - whichever path you end up on, I do hope you find a way out of Limbo soon-ish!

Thanks for sharing! It's always nice to see these updates, which seem to reflect where I am pretty confident we are headed, but have not yet arrived. Helps me stay the course!

Good to read your update this AM, Oldwounds. I read a bit here now and then, but at nearly 6 years out I’m spending less time here at SI and more out there living and working to create the M both I and Mr Psych want and deserve. I still have those “ wtf moments” when the past blows into my face and I sort through bits and pieces of those horrible first years. plus, the ghosts of the past are not fully exorcised.

But life is to be lived and what I’ve learned from SI stays with me each day. The people I met on SI really were the foundation of my healing and ability to simply survive the unimaginable.

A good update is great to read. We all need to be reminded of what we can choose to do with this situation. I’m forever changed by my Hs infidelity, but it also woke me and my H to some important truths that we continue to work together to honor and keep present in our lives.

I’m happy for you, Oldwounds. I hope things continue going well and you continue to enjoy life and your reconfigured M. :

Hello old wounds,

I like you haven't been around for a while. And quite enjoyed the solitude. However I popped on and saw your post and just has to reply that I am genuinely very pleased for you. It sounds like you've found peace and satisfaction in your decision and made life good again. I've always admired your posts and journey. So much insight and you were one year ahead so when I had wobbles it was always reassuring to have someone else walk a steady path in front.

I am just over 3 years. However had added complications which means I'm likely further behind. However seeing how much progress you and your wife make really does fill me with joy and hope.

Long may it continue.

As a side note I've often worried about the newcomers or newer members and how lock down would affect their recoveries. I even worried about my own. Like you I've found lock down to be a blessing of time spent together. Should be sick of each other and don't get me wrong we occasionally get on each others nerves as you would expect but the quality time as a new family of 4 has mended some the deeper hurts and created a whole new chapter for us. I am so glad lock down was an opportunity for you too. My heart really does go out to those who are finding it more traumatic and hurtful as a result of the current pandemic

Good to see you brother.

Best wishes on your future!