SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did you go through it? Is it negative? Does it have negative side effects?

It brought us together when we were separated and was the glue that kept us going during the almost daily meltdowns of the next 6mths

I agree with CGreene. It was the glue that held us together in those painful early days of R. Ours lasted around 6 months, and if I’m honest I still miss it in some ways. The hunger we had for each other. The constant touching. Without HB we may not have got through the hardest days. We fought and cried for such a long time, but the HB was the wonderful part that made me feel desired, even when we fought.

Without HB we may not have got through the hardest days.

This was me as well. It was an important part of those early months. I think it varies greatly from person to person, or situation to situation though. I’ve seen some people say that it made them feel ashamed. I’ve seen some people try and shame those that go through HB. For me personally, there was no shame, and it rekindled something in our relationship that had been lost.

I will say that HB was on my terms, which I think made a difference.

Yes. The only negative aspect is after awhile feeling pressure to continue at that pace—not that the WH was pressuring at all—he actually feels like he does not deserve to initiate anymore. Just feeling like if the pace slows down, afraid that will mean we are growing apart again, like we were when he decided to pursue an affair. Feeling like I need to make sure he doesn’t have energy to become interested in any OW.

I am a researcher and thinker, so my HB experience was different. It was like I had a drone above me, watching the other me going through what is essentially an adaptive mating strategy. It's basically the lizard brain doing its thing. I knew that from an academic point of view.

Now, I knew it would end some time soon, so I enjoyed the sex for as long as I could. This was a challenge, as I found my WW repulsive. For me, the respect was gone (forever) and I could not love someone I could not respect. I hoped it would change, but I figured I would get as much sex (not intimacy) as I could while the getting was good. Am I proud of this? I really dont give a shit. I processed the most traumatic event in my life, the way I did. She was screwing me in Hope's I would stay and forgive her, and I was doing the same just waiting to see where things went. It was nothing different that what she did during her A, only this time, everyone involved knew about it.

I hope your journey ends well. If you can make it work, good on you. I couldn't as it was and always will be a dealbreaker for me. Good luck and stay strong.

Hysterical bonding is a term which hasn't been studied extensively yet. However, it's a phenomenon that many people can relate to. It describes what happens when someone is cheated on by their partner, or is broken up with, and they want to do anything to win back their ex's affections.

This is the definition. What I don’t understand why a person would do anything to get back a person who treated them so poorly to begin with?

After lots of confusion and thought on the subject I came to the conclusion that all the attention, affection and sex he gave away that should have been mine he had to pay back at an astronomically high interest rate.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by LoneTurtle at 2:30 PM, June 28th (Sunday)]

What I don’t understand why a person would do anything to get back a person who treated them so poorly to begin with?

Some of us have 30+ years of history with this person, and this person has shown true remorse (not false), and a sincere willingness to repair things. This is the reconciliation thread. Why would you come here and judge those who chose that, just because you didn't?

I didn't 'do anything' to get him back. I wanted that sex, too. It was the best sex I'd ever had because we were now emotionally connected in a way we'd never been in the marriage.

As someone said upthread, they wish it would have lasted. Me, too. But we've been told by multiple professionals that it just isn't sustainable. For us, it went on for about seven months.

It wasn’t a judgement, it was a question based upon the definition. Just trying to understand. I had 17 years with mine and he was remorseful too.

Per the definition above “and they want to do anything to win back their ex's affections.” I believe the original poster asked for thoughts.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 3:35 PM, June 28th (Sunday)]

Per the definition above “and they want to do anything to win back their ex's affections.” I believe the original poster asked for thoughts.

I think that definition is flawed Hysterical Bonding is more complex than that. Yes I wanted the affection I had been deprived of for a long time, still do but, I did it knowing that we may still not work things out while furious, hurt and really fucking horny. It’s confusing shit. I’d say for me it was selfish, I was going to get what I wanted from him, his feelings where not considered, I think he was also confused. It did prompt depth of conversation about what we wanted that should have happened many years before.

I didn't 'do anything' to get him back. I wanted that sex, too. It was the best sex I'd ever had because we were now emotionally connected in a way we'd never been in the marriage.

Yes! This is how I felt and still feel. For the first couple of weeks, I told my WH that the best case scenario for him would be that I would allow him to stay with me in a sexless partnership for the sake of our finances, shared friends, etc. After two weeks of me screaming, breaking stuff, sobbing, and being comforted and listened to by a remorseful WH, I just suddenly felt like initiating sex. It was completely on my terms and it felt different and better than any sex we've had since maybe our 20's. So far, I have no regrets. Since we had been pretty much completely broken sexually for the past decade or so, it has been really great to discover that we are still compatible and that our sex life is repairable. My WH's attraction to me was never in doubt, but my resentments over many things caused me to not want to have sex with him much. (Still absolutely zero excuse for infidelity but the AP was gaga over him and made him feel desired. She was content to basically act like an unpaid prostitute just to be around him.)

I think it can be really confusing for women because we are taught to think that sex is like a favor or a privilege that we give to our male partner, rather than something we want for ourselves. So it can feel like we are just rewarding bad behavior.

WH has pointed out we've had more sex in the past two months than in the past two years, but also that he has paid more attention to me and listened to me more in the past two months than in the past two years.

I am currently going through it. I think for some people it isn't negative, but I felt so guilty and ashamed after it. Mostly because I'm not sure if I'm going to stay over her and my infidelity.

Trying to avoid surrendering to the urge at all costs. Which is easier since I'm not under the same roof of my wife. But as of the 1st we'll be under the same roof. Not looking forward to struggling with this considering that both I have seen her since her confession led to me losing that fight. The first actually ended with intimacy, while the second time, I was cockblocked by my brother. Probably for the best, my parent's bathroom during father's day is not the place or time for sex.

The sex part of HB was incredible for us. We went at it damn near daily for nearly a year and it was steamy. It started almost immediately after my final D Day after she put me through false R.

We became instantly reattached and were inseparable. We traveled, exercised, watched shows and screwed like rabbits. A word of caution is that it can lead to rug sweeping in my opinion. I think it softened me as far as going after details and the truth about the affair. I still know I don’t have all the truth about her A and I think it could ultimately be the demise of our marriage but we get along pretty well and have one young child still to raise together.

I guess what I’m saying is enjoy your HB but don’t let it consume you and lead to rug sweeping. Good luck.

We went through this, I am the WS.

I don't think of HB as anything but bonding. I don't think it's about winning anyone back, because literally it's more like a magnet thing. Something from our reptilian brain that makes us want to reclaim our partner. Even people in the swinging community report that after an encounter they will often go home and have very intense sex with each other. While I do think some people could use sex for manipulation, a lot of times HB is really just an instinctual, primitive thing.

It doesn't happen for everyone. I would agree with the above - to be careful to not allow it to be rugsweeping. If it's something you want, then do it. Just make sure to do the rest of the work.

We went through a round after the intial dday, and then it re-amped after a brief separation/plan for divorce. The second round lasted for a very long time, maybe a year.

It's normal and completely up to you. If you aren't into it, then don't. That becomes more of a pick me dance. If you are into it, it doesn't mean you have to R either.

I didn't 'do anything' to get him back. I wanted that sex, too. It was the best sex I'd ever had because we were now emotionally connected in a way we'd never been in the marriage.

That was us. We never separated. He was very remorseful and it felt great to feel desired. I had always been kindof timid. Let him take the lead in sex. But it was like a fire lit in me. I wanted it and I wanted it on my terms. 13 almost 14 months later it is still 3-4 times a week. I am wearing him out. LOL.

For me, too, it was reclaiming what I thought of as mine.

And I felt really good doing it. I had been using Cialis for a couple of years, and I still have of that prescription left.

Also for me, it was more that my W wanted to win me back than me playing 'pick me' (except that I always have the inaccurate thought in my head that good sex will keep my W from cheating. )

That definition of HB is not my definition as that’s not how it happened at all for me. My WH initiated it initially and it kept going sometimes 3 times a day the first 3 weeks. It was so confusing. But I’m a highly sexual person anyway—— I was never physic repulsed by my husband though. I hated him but I wasn’t physically repulsed like some of the BS were. Also my sex life was good during his affair which may not be true for other BS’s.

Also——I certainly didn’t rugsweep because of it. In fact I would sometimes get right back into asking questions and berating my WH and he finally said it’s not healthy for him to feel so exhilarated and happy with us one minute and then have it come crashing down right afterwards. I didn’t care either way.