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I have read and watched videos about why your partner might cheat on you, in my case my ex was a woman. From what i gather its a mix of women go off their emotions and grass is greener syndrome. But i always think does she hate me to cheat on me. She had booked a hotel at the start of the affair, then would regularly meet up at service stations and go for meals, takeaway etc with the OM. I only found out of the affair when her facebook relationship status was updated, when I asked why she did it like that and told her I didn't deserve to find out like that she said yes i know but you hurt me. We were arguing alot because of our daughters behaviour and attachment issues but all I ever did was try to help. Do they cheat out of hate and resentment? I consider myself a good looking, well dressed stylish guy with good value and treated her well. I was always very supportive of her and loved her for who she was.

I think so. She knew damn well that this was going to destroy you, and she did it anyway. If that isn't hate, I don't know what is.

Others will say "no no, she hates herself, not you". Whatever. Sounds like bullcrap psycho-babble to me. She can certainly hate herself and you at the same time.

[This message edited by cheatstroke at 5:18 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Cheaters cheat because they are broken. Period.

They will tell themselves it's because of any number of reasons that are all because of something that was 'done' to them, some hurt that was caused to them, some feeling that someone didn't provide. Notice that allllll the excuses they use paint themselves as the victim.

Grown-ass, loving, responsible people DO NOT CHEAT. They communicate. They compromise. They work on things. Or they divorce. Grown-ass loving responsible people don't try to fix their shit with someone else's genitals.

Her cheating isn't because you weren't a snazzy enough dresser, or cus you hurt her feelings once, or cus you didn't support her enough. Her cheating was her childish, selfish, entitled ass trying to 'fix' things by looking to someone else to give her the feelings she is lacking in her own self.

If that isn't hate, I don't know what is.

Others will say "no no, she hates herself, not you". Whatever. Sounds like bullcrap psycho-babble to me.

That's why people go to IC, to learn and grow and process this stuff and get over their hurt and anger properly. Psycho babble is actual information, just like medical babble actually helps you get well and automotive babble actually helps you to replace the right parts when your car breaks down. If you don't process all of this properly and decide these waywards who do this messed up stuff just "hate you," then you stay bitter and feel justified in giving hate right back. This can lead to never getting what you really want in life since most people don't enjoy the company of bitter people. Why not try IC? It actually helps you to understand human beings and feel good about yourself in this shit show instead of angry and in the dark..

Do they cheat out of hate and resentment?

They can want to cheat due to resentment, but wanting to do something is not the same as doing it. I want to run my car into other cars that cut me off on the highway. Do I do it? Of course not. I don't want to hurt myself, live with the horrible consequences of my actions, or pay tons of money needlessly. So I control my actions and make better choices. I can see the big picture.

Why does she not control her behavior and make better choices? Why did she not tell you if she was resentful? Why did she not divorce you due to this resentment? Because she is obviously broken. She runs rather than works on things, avoids tough conversations and issues, prefers happy distractions to problems, is selfish and spoiled by those in her life, always gets her way, or has no empathy. And those things, my friends, are ALL 'her problems,' not you problems.

Everyone has problems and negative feelings. Turns out that she has no good, mature, strong, or wise qualities that will allow her to deal with them. Broken.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:43 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

I don’t think my WH hated me. I do think he didn’t love me enough or respect me enough to better himself instead of cheat. I was third, with him first, AP next, and then me. I also think he did end up being resentful of not me specifically, but of what I represented which was basically being an adult with adult responsibilities and commitments. Not that high school or college boy who would have been free to pursue his dream girl had she you know, actually ever talked to him.

In the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell they say "When someone cheats on you, their love for your unique relationship is not there. We take care of the things we love. That's proof cheaters don't love their partners. They didn't take care of them."

I don't think my ex hated me. I think he just didn't care. My feelings were not even a consideration. I thibk hate might have been better than being erased, negated.

At the height of the A, definitely Hated everything about me.

During TT or Interrogation as WH called it, with a vengeance.

How dare I question him about the OW...

He still has a Love / Hate for me.

I Just will not budge my boundaries this time.

My WW hates me now.

But not because she cheated.

Because I wouldn't be her slave anymore.

I'm totally ok with that. She hates all people that don't comply with her program...

And I hate that she never filled me in on the idea that there was a program in the first place.

Fuck that bitch. My life is headed towards enjoyable. Her life can sink or swim on its own.

In revenge affairs maybe. And revenge affairs aren’t just because one spouse cheated but for the myriad reasons spouses resent and blame each other (perceived) BUT I think that’s rare.

In the vast majority of affairs it’s not about ‘hating’ anyone. It’s about not putting VALUE on your spouse and family. The highs the cheater gets from the affair simply out weigh the value they put on their spouse and family.

IMHO most cheating is addictive. An addict doesn’t hate their family, their spouse, they just don’t value them over their high, the kicks are just too great.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 8:01 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

I think in many cases it is a form of hate, in the form of indifference with a side of anger and resentment. All terms of emotion mean different things to different people. So, just like all the "love" threads, where few are really taking about the same things, so it will go with the topic of "hate". I do think "hate" factors into many WS's feelings, if by hate we mean a combination of anger, resentment, misdirected feelings of injustices in their life, etc. Put all these together it it would likely look and feel a whole lot like how "hate" acts.

Having said that, I find conversations about words that describe feelings and emotions not all that revealing or insightful because it is always a dance around what people think others mean over a term of emotion vs what others think the term really means. What seems most valuable in discussions is what a cheater does, not how we perceive that they feel about what they are doing or even how they say they "feel" it.

We want to focus on feelings because we are taught that feelings have a direct relationship to predictable actions. What we aren't taught is that you really never can now what those feelings are. What does your spouse do, not what do they feel. Let the doing reflect the feeling, not the other way around. What you can be sure of are the observations of what they do and what they say, and what they say they will do but don't do. To hell with their feelings, real or imagined. Do their actions and choices reflect your definition of love or even hate?

If you think you know what people really "feel", ask every partner of a cheater how that went.

duplicate

[This message edited by DIFM at 5:13 AM, August 4th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

My husband built up a lot of resentments toward me that he used to justify cheating. I don't think he hated me. He said he always loved me and never had any intention of leaving or replacing me. I don't think that was the reason he cheated, either, just the way he was able to justify it.

The whys the cheater needs to get to are why she solved her problems by cheating. She had many other choices. Why did she choose one that is dishonest and so hurtful and devastating?

Idiotmcstupid:

I'm totally ok with that. She hates all people that don't comply with her program...

And I hate that she never filled me in on the idea that there was a program in the first place.

Like you, I have most probably been subject to narcissistic manipulation throughout the ten years of my relationship, which escalated to full-fledged emotional and psychological abuse once her new object of affection had been procured.

And from my personal experience I can tell that she did hate me, up to the point where I found excuses to be away from home in order not to suffer another dose of her vitriol.

Apparently, some cheaters are broken people who selfishly look for "love" outside marriage, but some (like mine) are downright hateful people who could and should be feared.

This is a good question to ask. It certainly can feel as though they hate you, but everyone’s situation is different and complex.

Personally I found it useful to ask this question and jump down that rabbit hole. Fwh resented me. He treated me as if he hated me, and it felt as though he did. Examining why I felt this way, and the way he felt gave me a push in the right direction. Fwh was emotionally abusive. He treated me terribly because he did hate me, but that is only one aspect of a complicated picture.

It’s good that you’re asking yourself this OP. Keep digging, and I hope you find healing at the end of it.

Excellent question.

My H blamed me for his affair and his unhappiness.

So yes I think he had some underlying hate for me during his affair. He did some mean things — completely out of character for him.

He would tell me everything that was wrong with me, our marriage, our life etc during the affair. How unhappy he was. How it was all my fault he was soooo unhappy.

Did he resent me and hate me? I would say “YES” to that.

cheatstroke

I think so. She knew damn well that this was going to destroy you, and she did it anyway. If that isn't hate, I don't know what is.

Others will say "no no, she hates herself, not you". Whatever. Sounds like bullcrap psycho-babble to me. She can certainly hate herself and you at the same time.

I'm more aligned with this, that said, I don't think my ex hated me. I just think that she didn't really care about me. When she cheated she no longer saw me as a three dimensional being, I was just something for her to use.

At the start of the affair, my FWH had pent up anger, resentment and hated his life with me.

He did not hate me, he hated what he believed was a crappy future in front of him.

This mindset allowed him to begin his affair.

But about 8 months into the affair, he began to resent me, criticize me, verbally abuse me. I was never good enough. etc.etc. Our sex life was almost non-existent. I started walking around him on eggshells. It is at this time I felt he truly hated me.

We are in R for about 14 months now. He confirmed to me during our talks, that during the affair there were many times he hated me, wished I was dead, because I was an inconvenience to his affair. Admitted on D-day, he felt nothing for me.

Admitted feeling relieved when I threw him out of my house and he went to live with OW. At that point, he felt no more hate for me anymore. Just relief that he would no longer have to juggle his life to accommodate both of us.

So from my experience, my former cheater had many bad feelings towards his life, that eventually shifted to hate for me, the more he got involved in his affair. For sure though, it is different for every couple.

Gotta say, I understand all this shit now.

This question often reminds me of Forest Gump's constant refrain: "stupid is as stupid does." In this case: hateful is as hateful does.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:37 AM, August 5th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

I don’t think it’s hate, it’s selfish, her needs were greater than the risk to her family.