SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (27F) want to change myself for good. I am taking full responsibility that I made the worst decisions of my entire life within the last year! I had an affair. I lied. (Affair lasted 5 months)

I was in a relationship with the love of my life! Truly the kind of love some people never ever even find in their life!

Yet, I had an affair. I know, due to books, research and IC that I had the affair due to ME. My past. Selfishness. Broken parts of me that I was not even fully aware of. The whole thing felt "unreal". Like an escape from reality. The AP is a manipulative player that age wise could be my father. I ended the affair. Cut all contact with the AP. But I did not have the courage to tell my BS directly. I trickle truth ed.;(

Since Dday (2 months ago)my BS moved out. He requested NC, which neither one of us obeyed at first. I fell into self pity for a few weeks. In an absolute state of panic. Realizing what I had done. My BS is the most wonderful man you could imagine. And I killed him. He tried to commit suicide. And the guilt has been eating me up for lots of this time.

IC has helped me very much. Brene Brown truly opened my eyes to who I want to be. I want to be a wholehearted person. A safe partner.

I've had much progress over the course of the last two weeks in particular to grow and learn. I've noticed my "filter' has changed. The way I view situations and people.

There is a tiny hope for R according to my BS. He needs NC so he can heal himself first tho. I must use this time to become stronger than ever and ensure that I am using this time in all the right ways.

In the last weeks I've been: reading books, started at a new gym, try to stay healthy, quit my job and will start a new one next Monday. I journal, keep track of txt's and calls. I post and read on forums every day. And I continue with IC as often as possible.

My question: Is there any WS here that have made that change from a "monster" to a "wholehearted person"?

I am not going to minimize what tremendous trauma and pain I brought to my BS. What I have done is disgusting. I hate every part of it. Every decision I made. Every time I talked to the AP. The lies. Trickle truth. I regret everything so very much! And I wish I could turn back time.

But I must stop this shame loop once and for all! I can not become a safe partner while being depressed to the point that I can not function. I love my BS. I am so regretful that I told him I will let him go, that I understand if he will never look at me again. He told me to FIGHT. To be strong. And by god I've really been trying.

There have been set backs. There has been progress. I am terrified and I know he is too. He must be so hurt and frustrated. Filled with so many emotions.

As of this morning we are back in NC according to his request.

I am posting here to ask for any constructive advice in regards to how to become a safe and strong partner. Advice how to manage NC when you miss you partner so very much. Managing guilt. Has anybody experienced similar situations?

And my question as mentioned above, is there WS here (Or BS that stayed with their WS and can answer) that have truly become a safe and strong partner for themselves and their BS?

I have read many posts on other forums were WS cheated again after sometimes even years of reconciliation. I look at that and it blows my mind. They received the gift of reconciliation and lived with their spouse and then cheated again?!

I asked myself if I would do that.I know % wise lots of cheaters cheat again. I am disgusted by even thinking of what I have done. To imagine I would cheat again seems impossible to me. I will ensure that it will be impossible for me as I will continue with healing my past trauma broken parts within me with the help of counseling and true self reflection.

I see it as: I burned when i touched fire. My entire body burned and it also burned the person that I called life partner. And I will NOT EVER step even near fire again!!!

I miss my BS. I miss him so very much and want what is best for him.

Sorry for the long post. If it seems desperate, well I am in a way desperate right now. I have never been an introvert. Since dday lots of things happened within my personality. I'd like to believe that I kept most of all my positive triads so far. I cut contact with almost every single person ("friends" and family) as they gave me pity or cheap advise. Some even turned against my BS and said horrible things about him. At first I did not protect him. Until he and I talked about it. Then the curtain fell and I cut contact with almost everybody.

The one and only person I seem to get genuine advice from a place of wholeheartedness is his mom.

She truly wants the best for the both of us. She is an amazing person that I admire very much.

Also, I apologize for any typos (english is not my first language and I do struggle a bit to put all my thoughts and emotions into words so they portrait them accurately)

Also, I did join another support group forum on my own weeks ago. However, My BS found this site and encouraged me to use it as he said this is a more active community.

I am thankful these site exit and hope I can too one day pass my knowledge and experience on to someone in need

I have read you BS posts. Heartbreaking. What this has done to him is hard to read. It’s all well and good to be sorry now, but you had to understand his metal condition before you started the affair. He had to have been somewhat fragile to try to commit suicide

The fact he suspected things were not right, and was working his ass off for the marriage, and while he is doing that and you decide to sleep with someone else is I’m sorry to say in unconscionable. And even worse, you continued to go behind his back and screw this guy for five more months.

You may think you love him, but you don’t. You don’t put someone in a position to kill themselves for a few rolls in the hay. You have no kids. Please do him a favor and let him go.

These stories where the BS feels something is wrong, goes to the WS and is assured things are ok, then does everything in their power to keep the marriage together are just the worst. What were you thinking as he was trying to save the marriage? My guess it wasn’t how much I love him. It was my needs come first

You say you would never do this again. Yet if we asked you a month before you started to go to his house regularly for sex if you you would ever do that, my guess is you would have said no. Why would he risk it again

He is fragile. Don’t play anymore games with him. Let him live his life with some dignity. My guess is if you cheated again, he might succeed with the suicide. Is that worth it to you ?

Rose, there are many stories here where the WS made changes to become a better person, more at peace with their past, began treating their betrayed partner better than ever before. You can read many of them on the thread pinned to the top of this forum (Positive R Stories).

The biggest thing you need to learn is that the opportunity to R is an absolute gift. It is nothing that is deserved, nor can it be earned. It is a gift from the BS to the WS. You can't "love" him into trying R.

Your role in the mess at this point is to work on becoming the best person you can be. Until the opportunity to R has been extended, you are only responsible for you; your BS is responsible for pursuing the healing he needs to do on his own, as well.

If he gets to the place where he is willing to give R a shot, then your workload doubles. As the one who blew up the relationship with the poor decisions, you have to pull the bulk of the load in restoring the relationship.

Some of the basics of this are going to include things like being accountable for your time and your actions. Being where you say you are, with whom you say you are with, and being able to provide evidence at the drop of a hat. You are going to have to be more transparent than you have ever been before. It will feel like a total invasion of privacy. But that is the least of what you will need to give up (your privacy) in order to begin rebuilding trust.

I won't place your BS's choice to attempt suicide at your feet. All actions are the responsibility of the actor rather than the "fault" of those around them. It is an unfortunate way to attempt to end the pain that so many deal with on a daily basis. But the choice to make the attempt is never the fault of those around, much like the decision to have an A is never the fault of the BS.

If you haven't yet read the short book How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald, I would highly recommend it. You can typically order it on Amazon for a pretty low cost. If you search the title and PDF on Google, you will likely find it available free on a website or two.

I would also recommend Googling the phrase "How to win your spouse back". While there is a lot of garbage out there, you will also find a multitude of places that give similar advice. Things like:

*give them space

*be an active listener

*learn to speak their love languages

*stop the drama

*apologize...a lot

*work on yourself

Those things (and many others) can be helpful.

You may find more and better support checking in with the folks in the Wayward forum as well. Many folks in there (where you can post with a STOP sign to keep from being put on blast by BSs who are still feeling the raw pain) have the success stories you are looking for.

The biggest thing right now is that you need to let go of the outcome, recognize that this is likely the worst pain your BS will ever have to endure (short of burying a child), and that the decision to atrempt R is purely his choice. You effectively chose to end the marriage when you had the A. He geta to decide if there is another beginning for the two of you.

I understand where you are coming from. In fact, I am the one that experienced trauma in my previous marriage. (Emotional abuse).My BS was never fragile before. If so he never showed it. The time of the affair it is like I became a monster. I was not before. This AP got into my head and triggered my unresolved past broken parts.

There is no excuse. I understand your concern for my BS and appreciate that he is getting support.

I am going to IC and I know I will NOT cheat again! There is no way either one of us would survive it.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will not ever cheat again in my life!

I do love him more than my own life. I understand how you would think I am not capable of love due to the fact that i had this affair. To be honest, in those months, its like I felt nothing. Felt nothing for anything not good or bad. I was entirely numb. As I mentioned in the post I understand the facts. That the majority to a high % of these situations do not have R endings. Or they do and then the WS cheats again. I will NOT be one of those bad statistics!

I am fighting for our life right now. The guilt is something I am trying to handle and yes it does take over at times. But NEVER will I cheat again. I truly want to be a safe partner for him. I am not a bad horrible monster. Not anymore.

I am aware that R is a very small chance. His focus needs to be on himself. To heal. Do what brings him happiness and a feeling of self worth again.

My focus needs to be on me. On ensuring that I am changing the core of who I am, as I have and will continue to do so. I will never be able to erase what happened. The things I have done. But they can heal to become scars. I truly believe if there is one couple on this planet that could get through this together, it would be us.

I am genuine in my remorse. Again, I understand you viewpoint and thank you for the response. I am fighting the fight of my life and i will not give up. He is the only person in this world that matters to me. Fighting in the way that i am doing what I can to ensure I will become and stay a safe partner once and for all! For the rest of my life.

WWTL, I usually agree with you, but this time I don’t, in a way. I haven’t read the BH’s posts and don’t know who he is, but I believe in personal responsibility for everyone, BS or WS or neither—no one can “make” someone suicidal; a person who considers or follows through with that has mental health issues that are not “caused” by another’s behavior. While I certainly would agree that infidelity is very wrong, I strongly disagree with putting the burden of this woman’s husband’s suicidal ideation on her.

@CaptainRogers, thank you for the response. And you're right. I, by nature am a "fixer'. I must surrender to the fact that I ruined our previous relationship and life. I am the one that caused it. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I do see R as a gift. I can not force him to find the strength/ grace to give it to me/us.

I read R stories and I become more hopeful. Then in the same moment I fear I get my hopes up for no reason as R is not likely to happen at this point.

I truly want to ensure that I will be and stay wholehearted.

The suicide attempt was a trigger for me. {backstory - my ex husband a army vet tried to commit suicide due to PTSD in front of me. He became a heroin addict and emotionally abused me, there is lots of unsolved trauma there that I never talked about after}.

So when my BS tried to end his life I fell into an absolute state of panic for weeks. I could not function anymore and contemplated if my own life was worth living. After all my thought was: what is so wrong with me that I can't do anything right and my spouses try to kill themselves. -

Knowing I caused my BS to feel the way he did put me in a "shame loop". I did work through that in IC. And the ironie is that my career is healing people - saving lives.

So I am really fighting here. I am truly remorseful. R is a gift that I do not deserve. I am facing that reality every day. But I am working hard on becoming a safe partner.

I read R stories, of WS that do not use their chance of R. And I do not understand how they could cheat again after having witnessed the pain they had caused their BS.. I do not understand it.

So, all that being said. Giving up is not an option. As much as I appreciate the advice and perspectives people give. My BS told me that he wants me to fight. And by god I am going to fight until I will no longer breathe! Not just because he said that of course. But because with all my heart do I regret every single thing of those months and I am committed to becoming a wholehearted person that will live every day like it is the last!

I love my BS in a way that some people can't understand.

This affair was the result of my unresolved past. Two IC have confirmed this to me. It never had anything to do with the lack of love for my BS. But with the lack of self love and self worth towards myself. I had turned everything off. And if I could turn back time I would.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 4:49 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

I think you should, definitely, leave him alone. I do not think your cheating is all that complicated. No need for counseling, etc.

You desired the other guy, thought you could get away with having sex with him, cared nothing for your BS, and went for itNo need ch or expensive therapy to figure this out.

Now, you have to just wait and see if he wants to risk his future with you and whether he can live with you, knowing what you did and are capable of.

Pretty decent odds he will leave. Or, if he tries R, that it will not work. Some folks domstay together, though. Best of luck.

DF I agree that she didn’t pull the trigger on his suicide attempt. That was his choice. But it was born out of the pain which she caused. It’s like the person in a robbery who may not have pulled the trigger in the robbery, but a person is dead anyway. No affair, no suicide attempt. I’m also not buying that he was in no way fragile. Suicide is a drastic thing. Maybe the most drastic thing a person can do. The pain that is needed to cause one to want to end their life is immense. For you to not see that He was capable of this doesn’t pass the smell test. You may just have been so caught up in your own head that you didn’t want to see it. As DF did say he has mental health issues that led him there. I can’t for the life of me cant see how you couldn’t see it.

The awful thing was he was putting this all on himself. While he was wondering and trying to figure out his shortcomings. Not to carry much from his post, but suffice to say he was desperate. Not just for himself, but for you. He was more worried for you than himself. How did you repay that empathy? By sneaking off and sleeping with you AP god knows how many times for five months. What makes it more painful is you made that decision after he confronted you and tried to make things better. How could you look at him in the eye while he was trying to do nice things for you and you come back to him after spending the afternoon with your AP. It’s not like he didn’t try to stop it. He did. You just didn’t care

I do love him more than my own life. I understand how you would think I am not capable of love due to the fact that i had this affair.

You are right. I don’t understand. You are 4 months from sleeping with your AP, and 2 months from your BS finding out. Did you love him more than your life 4 months ago. I’m glad you are working on yourself, but watching Breane Brown Videos and two weeks of hard work doesn’t bring true love in weeks.

I’m sorry. Maybe I just have been on here too long and am jaded. You aren’t safe. While your husband pleaded with you, you turned his back on him. You say you won’t again, you may even believe it, but what happens to him if you do it again? Will he survive again? It’s just not worth the risk.

Most everyone is redeemable. You are too. But if you love him, let him go. You are both young. You can both start fresh. This is no way to start a life together. Just be thankful there were no kids involved

waitedwaytoolong,

I again do understand your concern, I am not sure if you read the other responses I gave.

I can tell you that I myself would not survive if I would ever betray him again. I betrayed myself. My values and everything I believe in. While the affair started non sexual, most of the sexual encounters were within a close timeframe (5 times). I do not remember dates or times. I really don't. I asked the counselor how that is possible how I can't remember exact times?! Because it seems insane to me. He told me it is how my brain handled trauma.

And yes. I love my BS more than my life. During the course of the affair I felt nothing. It is like it was a separate universe. Somehow I split myself in two different worlds during that time frame.

I do not expect anyone to understand as I do not understand myself. I hate everything about it. I am disgusted by what i have done.

Letting my BS go as you say will not ensure that he will never be encounter such a trauma again.

I can however ensure that I am going to be the person that will not ever cause him harm again!

I would not be on here if I would not truly feel what I am saying.

First thing you need to understand is that you are both at different stages of healing. For you - you are past the A and wanting to work on yourself (as you should) and hopefully R. You know every little detail of the A - the when's what's how's - the details that literally eat away at the BS. This didn't come as a huge shock out of the blue - your world wasn't shattered into a billon pieces. Your aren't dealing with the overwhelming feelings - shock, devastation, loss of self esteem - hell, loss of ones self worth.

For your husband - as I imagine for many BS's - myself included -they struggle with the why - why did you do this, why wasn't I enough to keep you from cheating, why couldn't you talk to me - it just goes on and on in a mental loop that is just exhausting. And when the WS does try to explain their why's it often sounds like excuses - very lame excuses for blowing up another person's life when there were other ways it could have been handle.

You can change - I believe you really are trying - but unfortunately you can become another Mother Teresa and that may not be enough for your husband. What most WS don't understand is the HUGE leap of faith it takes for a BS to open themselves up to even the remotest possibility of being hurt again. The BS has to get to the point in their self healing to know that if they do give the gift of R and it all falls apart they are strong enough to survive.

For now, all you can do is respect his wishes for NC. Continue to work on yourself - not for the marriage - unfortunately that may already be over and there is NOTHING you can do about that - but for yourself. Become the person who is safe with themselves - who would never need shallow, tawdry, ego kibble of an affair just to feel good about themselves.

The hardest part is the letting go. Realizing that right now you really have no control on how this will end. That ball is pretty much in his court and you will just have to accept his choices and whatever outcome they bring.

Did he share this site with you?

If he wants you to let him go,and he says he is done, you need to respect that.

And while it may be true, he may be cheated on again, it is not safer to stay with you,because you now say you won't cheat on him again. There are millions of women in this world who would never cheat on him. Sometimes it's safer for a BS to no longer be with their WS.

You've been dating for a few years. Dating, a long term relationship, is often an audition for marriage. Work on yourself so you don't do this to the next boyfriend.

Again, if he is done, be respectful of that and let him go.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:08 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

HellFire,

he did share this site with me.

I was previously on a different forum and he recommended this to me to use instead.

In fact I agree with you. If he would truly be done with me then I would have to accept that (as I will accept everything else he needs)

However, that is not the case at this time. He wants NC so he can use the time apart to heal and find answers to his healing and find out if he would want to R with me.

I am respecting the NC. I miss him every moment of the day and i wish we could heal together, but I respect that it is he that makes that decision. Not me.

He told me before the NC that he wants me to fight. That he can not be there to encourage me to keep going to become a stronger and wholehearted person. To work on "mys broken parts from the depth up". He said there is a small chance but that he can not fight for it at this time. And that he fought for months by himself. Now it is essentially up to me which route I go in that way. Do i fall back into that "addiction" of need for validation from others. Or do I truly use this time in the right way for myself. Because ultimately IF he would come back after months of NC and want R, then I must be in the position to ensure that I am in the position to say yes, and here is the progress I've made to ensure I will be strong enough for this.

And honestly if he comes back and says: sorry it was all too much (which is probable) then I must be able to know that I have tried everything that I could have to ensure i am being wholehearted. That is my life goal. Not just for him. But for myself. I want to life mu life wholehearted every day!

Girlfriend you are just 27 , do yourself a favor stay single for a few years , learn how to become a full fledged adult first and then get into another relationship

Cheating is a nasty habit that takes years of self improvement to grow out of , your words right now may sound meaningful to you but they actually dont mean anything at all

You “ know “ you wouldn't cheat on him again . Did you know when you met him that you would cheat on him 5 times and he would try to take his own life ? Noone is Nostradamus

You broke his heart , your pain right now is genuine too , be gentle with him and yourself ; Both of you need IC what you dont need is more relationship drama .

Rose, I did read everything you wrote. This remains all about you and what you want. How about him. Imagine how he is going to feel when you go shopping, or whatever you used for cover to go spend the afternoon with your AP? Is he supposed to track your every move? You are both of the age when children might come into the picture. Do you think you are safe for him in that regard?

The reason that you don’t remember the encounters is that they are painful to visit. It doesn’t fit the narrative that you have in your head of some loving dedicated wife. You aren’t. Like I said, four months ago you sleep with your AP and come back to a husband who is desperate to save his marriage. You very well might become one. The way you handled this was so devious and cold that I have my doubts, but that’s just my opinion after being on here so long. You may think it, but you don’t love him as much as you say. In fact if I were him and you were feeding me how you loved me more than your own life I would have told you to STFU.

I hope some of the other WW chime in here about how long it takes to come back to real love. Especially after a five month affair that was also emotional.

As for you being his protector? Please.

Look, if you had a long term marriage and a few kids my advice would be different. This is the honeymoon period of the marriage. He treated it that way by taking you on fabulous trips. How did you spend the honeymoon. At some old guy (which hurts me to write as I’m 64) house in his bed. How is a 29 year old guy supposed to feel that this old guy was more attractive than him?

Add in his mental health issues, he can’t afford to wait for you to next to become dead inside and cheat.

I get your feeling. My EX was the same way. She loved me more than life, he meant nothing, life can be great again yada yada. But in the end she cheated and destroyed our marriage. I became like your husband. The pottery barn example of someone she broke and wanted to fix. It doesn’t work that way.

Look if he wants to reconcile its his choice. He is just playing with fire if he does. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but theses stories where the clueless husband is trying to fix the marriage while the wife is having her fun just gets under my skin.

Nanatwo

you are absolutely right. The ball is in his court. And I do believe as well that we are in very different stages of healing as you described.

I am struggling to just work on myself without thinking of him/ us. I know rationally I must focus on myself. And I have had huge progress so far even in a short time because I emerged myself into self reflection. But I must slow down myself as I am emotionally drained.

The guilt is another big part that has prevented me from fully accepting that I must just focus on myself. I miss him so very much every second of the day

Rose

The people on this site have been cheated on , please dont take these responses too personally

We dont know you and noone is trying to hurt you on purpose

But if you say unrealistic thibgs they will get countered and it may be harsh to hear

Guys lets remember she is 27 and going through alot

I'm just gonna echo: No affair... no suicide.

And I can say from (unfortunately) personal experience... I would never have considered my WH "fragile" or mentally ill before dday. The fact that I found him hanging from a rafter was probably a BIGGER shock than learning about his extramarital proclivities. It shocked me, his IC, every member of his (and my) family, and every friend who knows about his infidelity and his suicide.

And still.....

No affair.... no dday..... no suicide.

Suicidal ideation (or attempts) are not limited to those with preexisting mental health conditions. They can be wholly situational as well.

Now, I suppose one could argue that cheating is indicative of a preexisting mental health condition.... but I've yet to read about what that dx may be.

ETA:

This remains all about you and what you want. How about him.

I noticed this too. Empathy is a super hard thing for a WS to cultivate... maybe try to focus on that for awhile? Learn to be empathetic w/o putting yourself (or esp your SHAME) in the middle of it? Learn to be uncomfortable with the fact that he is DEVASTATED. Google "relational betrayal trauma) and learn about it and how it fundamentally changes a betrayed person (or listen to podcasts with Marnie Breecker & Duane Osterlind on The Addicted Mind or Helping Couples Heal).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:59 PM, August 22nd, 2020 (Saturday)]

waitedwaytoolong

I can read the pain in your comments and understand your point of view. Especially since you are comparing me to your ex wife. I acknowledge it. Yet, I am not her.

There was no Emotional attachment in a form of 'love' or anything like that between the AP and I. I basically turned all my emotions off and as you said, I was cold. To become a safe partner will take years. R takes years. IC will be something I will continue forever as far as i can see.

Transparency is a must in R. I am more than willing to reassure my BS at any given time.

Last but not least: I am sorry that you were betrayed by your wife. Truly. Nobody deserves this. As mentioned above, I myself have been lied to in my previous marriage. (I had left my home for that man and moved across the world). He cheated and abused me emotionally on a daily basis. He became a drug addict and is to this day.

I understand what it means to fight and the person you're fighting for turned their back to you and then chatters you.

Yet. I never worked through that trauma. And now. I am the one who did this to the one person in this world I call life partner. My special person.

Not because I am some cold bitch. But because I ran away from reality. And I will never forgive myself for what I have done.

I hear your concern for my BS. I am mainly speaking in I language because I can only speak for myself. And the purpose of this post is so I can continue to grow into a whole person.

Ultimately also for my BS. If he would chose to give me the gift of R.

You say he'd be playing with fire.. well I can say that in my mind I have burned him and myself so badly when I played with fire that I ensure no fire will be ever again anywhere near us!

So-

You can more narrowly target fellow waywards on the “Waywards” page, there’s a variety of experiences there to help you.

Biggest thing is you’re looking for reassurance, and that’s simply wasted breath at this point. What you’re essentially asking is “Can someone guarantee for me that if I ‘get better’ as a person, my husband will offer R and take me back?”

Nope. No one can guarantee that. I’m 15 months past my final TT and I STILL foolishly believe that my BW might recognize how much I’ve grown and have a change of heart. But the simple fact is it didn’t happen on a reasonable timeline and as such, it’s not something she can overcome.

So what to do? Just be better. Acknowledge that saying “I’ll never cheat” now is no different than saying it when you took your vows- If it didn’t stick that time, what’s different now? That change generally doesn’t come rapidly, and the words on the page, as said here, are fairly easily conjured.

I applaud your patience as this process unfolds, best I can tell you is keep working on yourself and continue to help as directly as you can with him, but understand that his mind is his own- You seem to grasp that but you will make yourself nuts if you continue to dwell on how he is (or isn’t) progressing without you.