Rose! I'm so glad to e-meet you. I'll try to answer your questions. I love when waywards ask questions. Have you ever heard the phrase "answers before questions do damage to the soul?" I try very hard to have important questions in front of me and to ask people I trust, and answer people carefully when they have questions in a way that will lead to more questions. Then I'll make a few other comments that I hope will be helpful.
My question: Is there any WS here that have made that change from a "monster" to a "wholehearted person”?
I love that phrase that you are using - wholehearted. Where did you come across that? I got it from a poster who has been on SI a long time, Maia, and from books she recommended. I never called myself a monster but I will say that I have changed from a person whose heart was fiercely protected, damaged, small, and hidden to someone who works hard toward being wholehearted every day. It is a wonderful goal to become wholehearted.
I am posting here to ask for any constructive advice in regards to how to become a safe and strong partner.
I think you have a lot of the answers already embedded in your first post so I'll pull out some things I think you are already onto. You understand that healing yourself FIRST is the most important thing to being a good partner. Yes, absolutely.
I would take the partner part out of your thoughts. Because if you start with reconciliation as your end goal, your mind and heart will find ways to work toward that even if it isn't in your best interest or his best interest. That's where lying, hiding, trickle truth, etc can come in, because you are managing toward reconciliation. If you are wholehearted, you will be a safe partner for him or for another person later on.
On the other hand, there are things you can do that will make your BS's healing easier for him. You should absolutely do those things, with the only goal being doing those things that will help his healing. Staying NC when he requests it. Giving him the absolute truth of what happened. I know you said you can't remember certain details but I would write out every single thing you remember, work hard on remember details that seem elusive, and share it with him if and when he wants. Even the small details can be very important to both you and him. I don't want to divert too much to my story but there was a lie I told my husband when we first started dating - when we were teens! - that seemed like it had nothing to do with anything, and when I told him the truth it gave both of us a lot of insight and really helped him understand things that were important to him. Perhaps keep a journal of your work during the NC times in case he wants to know what you did, not as an accounting but so he can see your story unfold. He may not want to see it and that's fine, but it's there if he needs it. And try hard to understand his perspective, how he sees himself and you and what happened. When you get one insight don't rest on that, there is often much more to understand. And be open to finding other ways you can support his healing, which may change over time, and may not be what you want to do.
I can not become a safe partner while being depressed to the point that I can not function.
Yep, you are spot on there. A depressed, shame-filled wayward does no one any good. Hang on to that.
Advice how to manage NC when you miss you partner so very much. Managing guilt. Has anybody experienced similar situations?
I can't offer as much on this because I was not NC with my husband. It must be really hard. I did have some very hard things that I had to go through that made me feel separate from him so I'll draw from that. Do you know the concept of discipline as teaching, rather than punishment? Discipline that teaches is painful. But the result is peaceful. When you are going through the painful times, think about what you are learning from the pain. I think that will make you more hopeful as it is happening. And sometimes just hang on and remind yourself that it will get better.
I've had much progress over the course of the last two weeks in particular to grow and learn.
Hahaha! I think I wrote the exact same thing at some point in the beginning. And it was true! Every day felt like it held revelations! I sometimes tell wayward friends to think about what their strengths are. I identified things I was good at in other areas (believe it or not, sports played a very big role in how I worked through infidelity) and recruited those things to work for me. In you I see - energy and fight, enthusiasm for the work (that's not quite the right word but you get the drift), searching and searching using all the resources you can find, willingness to make big changes, finding people who will help you (his mother! That is very sweet. Don't forget that at some point she may need to stop helping you). These are wonderful! Keep it up! Keep searching, the insights you have now are the beginning and there will be more as you peel back layers, and the pace may change. No problem, there are stages and each stage is important. I remember when my kids were little and jumping (safely) on the trampoline. They would sit out there together and hold club meetings and even have their snacks on it. Now the trampoline sits out in our garden and has been unused for years. The trampoline stage is over and it would be weird if it continued forever. But there are different things that they love to do now. So be alert to stage changes, remember that until the day you die you will be learning and growing and figuring stuff out, and be ready for the uneasiness that sometimes happens during transitions from thinking you know something to realizing you don't.
The AP is a manipulative player that age wise could be my father.
Yep. I'm glad you can see that. I had the wrong understanding of my AP for a long time and it took an enormous amount of work to see him for what he really was and all the details of the affair for what really happened. Those people are out there in the world. Always have been and always will be. And if you figure out and close off however this one got to you, you still need to make sure there are not cracks left for a different way in. Part of what you are doing is not leaving any cracks for someone to exploit.
I have read many posts on other forums were WS cheated again after sometimes even years of reconciliation. I look at that and it blows my mind. They received the gift of reconciliation and lived with their spouse and then cheated again?!
When you find yourself being judgmental or superior to other people that's probably a clue to look at something deeper. Instead of thinking I wonder what was going on for that person and I hope they find help, you seem incurious and condemning (and in a place where those very people are the ones you are asking for help!). It's probably not at the top of your list of things to fix but bookmark that as something to come back to. When one wayward points to another and says well sheesh I'm not THAT bad, look at her, she's so much worse it's a clue there's more work to be done. It's OK! As long as you are not actively hurting other people you have time to work on all the stuff that will give you a peaceful and engaged life.
