SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My partner has been exploring his whys and so far we have feeling nervous I would leave him and he'd be alone, acting out in hopes to get my attention but the main reason was sexual desperation. We had a newborn and not much was happening in the bedroom. He did come to me with his growing concerns before cheating, but more in a threatening way than a "let's problem solve babe" way. Let's just say what little sex we were having stopped after that.

This does not make me feel safe moving forward. Idk if sex just isn't a necessity to me but I personally do not think it's my responsibility to make sure my partner is sexually satisfied. He does not agree with that. How can I feel safe with someone when I'm constantly thinking that if I'm not giving someone enough sex, maybe it's not kinky enough etc, they'll be leaving or getting it elsewhere?

So, thoughts on cheating from dead bedroom

You're married. Sex is part of the deal. If you take it off the table, you're betraying your vows just the same as someone who cheats is. You don't get to cite "forsaking all others" but ignore "to have and to hold". I don't feel much sympathy for people who expect monogamy, impose celibacy (or near enough to it), and then get cheated on. If you expect to be the only person he has sex with, you don't get to take up the attitude that his sexual needs are none of your responsibility. That's just dumb.

[This message edited by firenze at 1:47 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Witholding sex and ignoring your partner's sexual needs is a form of emotional abuse, plain and simple. I do not condone cheating in any way, shape or form, but having spent years in a nearly dead bedroom I can't find words to describe the pain you feel when you're on the receiving end of it. My then partner used every excuse in the book to withold sex and ignore my attempts to initiate lovemaking. The feeling of inadequacy and rejection will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. There is not a lonelier feeling than when you lie next to your loved one and you realise that your need for intimacy is less important than the next chapter of the book they are reading or the next webpage they're reading on their phone.

How was your sex life before pregnancy?

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 2:53 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

If one partner desperately wants an active, healthy sexual relationship with their spouse and the other does not for whatever reason, it may be that there is a fundamental incompatibility between the two. Some problems cannot be overcome. Expecting celibacy (or near celibacy) in marriage while also expecting monogamy can easily be a recipe for disaster.

That said, it’s entirely possible this is a season of life, not something that will continue long term. How old is your baby? How was your sex life prior to being pregnant and having the baby? Is this your first?

I don’t think there’s a hard and fast answer to how long this could go on and still be “acceptable”, as that will vary from couple to couple. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a spouse wanting a healthy sexual relationship and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a spouse not wanting to have sex, but the two may not be able to continue a successful marriage if there’s no middle ground.

I'm going to agree with everything Nightowl1975 said.

He did come to me with his growing concerns before cheating, but more in a threatening way than a "let's problem solve babe" way.

What do you mean a threatening way? Can you elaborate more on the threat?

[This message edited by jadedangel at 4:08 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

in a threatening way than a "let's problem solve babe" way

this unfortunately happens in a lot of marriages.

When my children were babies, I put my own foot down too...

A) He wants sex? Get home from work on time, help me with bath and bed time and come to bed with ME early like 9pm.

B) don’t watch porn Or whatever till 1am and then expect SEX with me at that time or at 3am when I am fast asleep and you know full well that I am up at 5am to start my day... I worked full time too as well as raising children almost on my own.

Yes, SEX is part of a Good marriage, but so is Communication, compassion, compromise, children, chores and companionship.

I hinted to WS, that there’s nothing sexier than a man washing dishes and vacuuming the house.

Sex out of sheer desperation is not sexy or attractive.

Infidelity is UGLY!

nightowl1975:

That said, it’s entirely possible this is a season of life, not something that will continue long term.

Whatslove:

Idk if sex just isn't a necessity to me but I personally do not think it's my responsibility to make sure my partner is sexually satisfied.

The way the author of this thread phrased it wasn't along the lines of "my pregnancy, childbirth and care of the newborn baby affected my sex drive and I found it difficult to keep up with my husband's demands" - it is "I don't think it is my responsibility to make sure my partner is sexually satisfied". It seems like this is her opinion regarding sex life in general, which doesn't bode well for marital satisfaction on either end. Moreover, after the rather unfortunate confrontation (I admit, he should've handled it way better), there is no indication of attempts to find a middle ground. The sex life stopped and it seems one parther's needs (or lack thereof) prevailed. It's not what I would call a healthy power dynamic.

I hinted to WS, that there’s nothing sexier than a man washing dishes and vacuuming the house.

Only provided the sexual desire is already there. I can assure you I'm one of the greatest human dishwashers on the planet (not so much vacuuming :-). It didn't help my sex life even a tiny bit. More than that, I think it did a lot to kill it - I'd become the boring housekeeper hubby (though we weren't married) and I didn't stand a chance in the competition against the AP.

Infidelity has no excuse, not even lack of sex. If your partner wished to changed the rules of the game he should have discussed this with you and you could have agreed or disagreed and divorce. So please do not take any responsibility for the affair.

However: your view on sex is baffling, to me at least. If you do not feel it is your responsibility to sexually satisfy your partner (and him you) then have you discussed what the alternatives are? Or do you expect celibacy? And if you expect celibacy did you inform your partner this is the case before getting married, such as “sex will happen only to procreate, once completed I expect you to enter celibacy?”

What I see is two people with complete different views on marriage and life who couldn’t/didn’t discuss it before marriage. Marriage can take any shape you want providing you discuss the terms and agree on them.

Personally in your situation I would have expected the husband to come and state he is sexually frustrated and he wishes they had more sex. I would have expected the wife (you) to try and identify what is killing your desire and discuss this openly (eg. This is a tough period having a baby, perhaps you could help more so I can feel like a woman again, or whatever the reason was). Find a common ground. No husband, I can’t have sex 4 times a week with a baby around my neck but what about x amount of times and these are the things that need to happen in order for me to feel sexual (I don’t know, romantic dinner, him cleaning the entire house, whatever it would have helped).

Instead you cut off the sex and he went and cheated. Completely unhealthy dynamics.

However I repeat, his affair is on him, he should have filed for divorce instead so he has a lot of work to do to identify why he thought bending morals is an option.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:16 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Only provided the sexual desire is already there. I can assure you I'm one of the greatest human dishwashers on the planet (not so much vacuuming :-). It didn't help my sex life even a tiny bit. More than that, I think it did a lot to kill it - I'd become the boring housekeeper hubby (though we weren't married) and I didn't stand a chance in the competition against the AP.

Same here man; I always bristle at that advice because it's a "blame the victim" mentality. Sure, some guys are just slobs, don't help with anything, and leave their wives exhausted and just without enough time for sex. Is that the norm? I really don't think so. I know a lot of "do everything" husbands who have about as much "luck" at home as a leper in a nunnery. In fact, I know a lot of men who work like animals and have stay at home wives; guess what, still not enough "time" for sex, even after paying for housekeepers, nannies, and basically ensuring their wife leads a life of leisure.. And I also have the benefit of knowing that my wife is happy to have sex with someone for 2 minutes between meetings (during her affair), amazing how "no time" suddenly isn't an issue in an A, isn't it?

How can I feel safe with someone when I'm constantly thinking that if I'm not giving someone enough sex, maybe it's not kinky enough etc, they'll be leaving or getting it elsewhere?

How can you feel safe knowing that you're going to die someday? This kind of strikes me as the same thing, you can ignore it, you can pretend it's never going to happen to you, but, at least in my mind, you don't give your partner something they really want, be it sex or words of affirmation, chances are good that their either going to find it elsewhere or ask for a D. Especially if it's very important to them. Sex is kind of a special case because it's ONLY available in a M or in an A. My wife cheated for words, I often wondered, if you just wanted someone to tell you how awesome you are, why didn't you just work harder at work? Or join a sports team? Or, IDK, do something awesome that other people see, appreciate, and give you affirmation for. Why cheat?? There are so many ways to get people to affirm you outside of an A it makes my head spin thinking about it. But, sex, well.. There's no other place to get that, if you want it and aren't getting it, an affair (or D, of course) is your only option assuming the other partner doesn't want an open relationship. It's exclusive to the M for most of us, if you're not getting it there, it's not like you can just get it elsewhere and have it accepted by many/most spouses.

I've heard your story in my personal life too many times to count. It's "the reason" that the vast majority of men I know personally who've cheated do/did it. So, in one way, it's good your husband was honest with you (most of the men I know aren't), but, what do you want to do about it? If a dead bedroom is your choice, do you care if he outsources sex? It sounds like you do, so, IMHO, you have a decision to make for yourself, what do you want more, the sex life of your choosing or a "safer" relationship with your H? If it's the first, then you can decide if you're willing to take him back or not, that's really up to you. It's likely if he did this once he'll do it again if the reasons don't change, so you're rightfully not going to feel as "safe" as you would getting a D or perhaps marrying someone else.

I'm sorry you're here, and please don't take my post as placing blame on you, it's not. We're all different, and if you're sexually incompatible, it's not your or his fault, it just is, and you both need to decide what you're willing and not willing to do about it. But that's a separate issue from his affair, which is ALWAYS the cheaters fault, he could have told you he was unhappy and going to look elsewhere for sex, filed for D, or done a million other honorable things instead of cheating. His reason resonates with me and "makes sense" based on my worldview and personal experience, but that's kind of like saying "I robbed a bank because that's where the money is". OK, that does make sense, but your still a sh*t person for doing that, how about getting a job and working for it like the rest of us do?! He needs to do the work to make you feel safe again; I'm just not sure that's possible if your sex drives are "once a month" to "once a night" level apart.

I don’t know, romantic dinner, him cleaning the entire house, whatever it would have helped

I can't recommend this. In male circles, this is known as "choreplay", and, from personal experience, I can tell you it does not work. I was one step away from repainting the entire house every time my wife left the house, everything was spotless, garbage was out, cars washed, clothes clean and folded.. Nada. It's just not at all an effective way to stimulate or nurture sexual desire, at least it wasn't for me. My W's AP did exactly 0 chores and got more sex than he could handle at the drop of a hat; being great at washing dishes is not the way to stimulate sexual desire anymore than a woman being a great cook is a good way to stimulate sexual desire in men. Sure, it's a "nice to have" but me recommending "cook his favorite meal" to a woman having difficulty getting her husband in bed is, at least IMHO, bad advice. Wear something sexy, be provocative, tell him you have "something new" in mind for tonight, etc. There are a million ways to do it, but "cook better" isn't one of them, just like "do the trash better" isn't one of them for most men.

Also, and again, just my personal opinion here, "choreplay" is skirting real, real close to "pay for play". I mean, if "You have to mow the lawn before we have sex" is really the answer, well.. What if I just pay someone to mow the lawn, can we have sex then? That's a really fine line between "how about I just pay you to have sex and you pay the guy to mow the lawn". Sex isn't supposed to be "do this for me and I'll let you have it", it's supposed to be something that's a gift for BOTH people. You get what you want, I get what I want, and both of those things are entirely fulfilled in the sexual experience. Nobody "owes" the other person anything because they had sex. I have a lot of issues with the idea of sex for some goal other than having sex, it starts to feel far too close to "pay for play" for my tastes (and is also, years out of my W's A, the issue that still haunts me to this day).

[This message edited by Rideitout at 5:28 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Whatslove, you were not put on this earth to be a sexual vending machine, married or not. And you're right... you are NOT responsible to make sure your WP is sexually satisfied. Here's why...

If your WP was single and he wanted to have sex with a female, he'd have to go find one, impress her enough with his charm and magnetism, and be otherwise attentive and respectful so as to elicit attraction.

Instead, your WP thinks you owe it to him, so he comes to you in a "threatening" manner.

Clearly, this would NOT work for him out in the world with single girls, but he thinks because he's made a commitment to be exclusive, he's got special rights to your body. He doesn't... because the REASON you committed to him was that he was a charming, magnetic, attentive, respectful guy.

He's NOT a charming, magnetic, attentive, respectful guy when he's making demands rather than problem-solving. The problem can be many things. Women ebb and flow with their hormones in terms of sexual desire, but the smart man figures out that the key is emotional intimacy and connection.

We are NOT put on this earth to fulfill the "needs" of others. This concept of "unmet needs" was popular pop-psy in past generations and it still clings today like a foul odor. The truth though is that as adult human beings we are completely capable of getting our own needs met. We can (and should) be self-fruitful in terms of our emotional contentment. We weren't born in pairs, only half a person without the other. We are whole unto ourselves. If a person wants a committed relationship *and* plenty of sex, they WORK to achieve it. They keep that relationship healthy as a priority and when problems arise (as they will), they problem-solve them together. If the relationship still isn't working no matter what they do, they make the honorable choice to end it, even if that choice means enduring some difficulties. They don't cheat. They move on.

For your part, you would do well to think about the kind of relationship YOU want. Does this guy fit the bill? Perhaps he doesn't, and maybe that's why emotional intimacy hasn't returned. You have a baby together, but you will still be parents even if you decide that you don't want to live your life with someone who just won't bother to put in the effort of keeping your relationship a priority. It does take TWO to maintain a relationship so its healthy enough for regular sex, but that's not solely on you.

He should have at least separated from you before cheating.

But expecting monogamy while imposing celibacy...that's a recipe for nothing good.

Nothing kills the sex drive moreso than being treated like a blow up doll or prostitute.

ChamomileTea said everything I wanted to but did it in a much better way!

And she never said celibacy. She said sex isnt a necessity. Was it before she had the baby or just afterwards? Was that before or after his affair? I can tell you there was NO desire to have sex after my wh affairs...and after a c section I didn't want sex either...(actually because of his insistence and nagging I allowed sex to happen first day home from the hospital. I ended up back in hospital with torn stitches...)

One more thing from me

How can I feel safe with someone when I'm constantly thinking that if I'm not giving someone enough sex, maybe it's not kinky enough etc, they'll be leaving or getting it elsewhere?

This is the crux of it, this is what you both need to work on if you wish to move on together: he needs to prove himself capable to state the needs he has, take no for an answer and not run and cheat. You on the other hand need to show you’re capable to hear him out and make changes too, no shouldn’t mean “nope you’re not getting more sex case closed”. No means “I’m listening to what your needs are, I don’t think I can meet all of them (if you can’t) but I can meet these x ones, does this work for you”.

You are right: this will not work if you’re expected to move on with the fear of refusing your husband sex once and being cheated on. Or refusing a certain sex act and being cheated on. Hence the work he needs to do to prove he’s never going to to that again, not even if you cut off sex completely (that doesn’t mean he can’t file for divorce).

Your answer is in front of your eyes: it’s called communication. With communication should come consistency. From what I’ve read sexual unbalanced marriages are some of the hardest thing to navigate and negotiate. The dynamics can turn toxic. I’d be turned off sexually too by an always sexually aroused husband. But I can also understand how constantly refusing sex does turn a man into a sexually obsessed being. You probably need a sex counsellor to deal with this one. Only if you accept though that sexual satisfaction is one of the most important puzzles in a marriage.

And if communication takes you nowhere, it’s called divorce.

(Disclaimer: my husband did not cheat due to lack of sex or kink. So having men jump on this thread with “that’s why men cheat” isn’t helpful as it puts the blame on OP. Let’s all remember that everyone has the right to walk if they’re unhappy in a relationship but it appears OP’s WH is quick to blame lack of sex rather than accept his bendy morals).

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:38 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

What was your sex life with your WH like before you married?

At the very least, it is 100% reasonable for him to believe that would be a template for your sex life after marriage.

At the very least, it is 100% reasonable for him to believe that would be a template for your sex life after marriage.

How is that reasonable? To expect marriage sex to keep up with dating sex is ridiculous. Marriage sex, keeping the spark alive with stress, mortgage, KIDS etc is WORK! It takes communication on both sides. To expect anything but that is again, ridiculous. Throw in an affair and boom, dead bedroom for sure. At least from a BW perspective.

How can I feel safe with someone when I'm constantly thinking that if I'm not giving someone enough sex, maybe it's not kinky enough etc, they'll be leaving or getting it elsewhere?

This is where I've gotten stuck. Thinking if I dont spread them for him whenever he wants he will cheat again. Its lead to the most unsatisfying, boring sex ever. Sure he gets off each and every time but I'm left feeling like a series of holes for his use and so sexually frustrated I'm wearing out batteries!

It's not MY responsibility to make sure he doesnt cheat again. Its HIS responsibility. And even with all the sex we had before his affairs he cheated anyways. Had nothing to do with hoe much or hoe little sex he got. It was about his shitty boundaries and selfishness.

I am in a similar situation as your husband. Went from several times a week to nothing.

Sex life has been on life support for a year now. Been DOA for a month and a half.

I have voiced my frustration. She has voiced hers (in as far as what I can do yo get her in the mood). I have really tried to work on my end. No movement at all on her end.

Like your husband, it has went from me voicing my frustration to me just looking at her and saying "If you think I am going to live in a sexless marriage, you are dead wrong." She took this as a threat (which it kind of was, but at this point this is where we are).

Yes, I thought about cheating. We have a son and I dont want to lose half my time with him, so I really hate the idea of divorce.

Her friends quite often call me a "hell of a catch". Cheating would not be that hard for me, I have had opportunities. Hell, I know one of a girl I uses to work with that would be down in a heartbeat, all it would take is a text from me. I have even snooped her instagram lately thinking about it.

But Im not gonna do it. No honor in it.

However, last night was the final straw. After a great day (talking, laughing, just enjoying each others company, having fun) we went to bed early and I tried to initiate. She rejected again.

I will be consulting an attorney today, with the intent to have her served ASAP. All other aspects of this relationship are pretty good, but the bedroom is a non negotiable. You cant have me agree to only get a product from your store, then shut down the store.

It takes a year to divorce in my state, but anyone who knows me will tell you once I pull the trigger on something there is no going back for me. Once served, the decision is made in my eyes. No amount of begging, negotiating, etc will get me to change my mind. It shouldnt have to get to this point for me to have sex with my wife.

Just trying to give you the male perspective. Of course, I also didnt cheat, just like your husband could have.

Oh yes, the old dead bedroom caused me to cheat. I had a dead bedroom for years, through no choice of my own. My WH had ED issues made worse by constant porn and internet use. He had zero desire to be with me sexually. Why would he when these women were supposedly going to give him every sexual fantasy he ever desired? Oh no doubt he would have claimed dead bedroom, even though it was his doing.

You know what I didn’t do? Cheat. I didn’t cheat. It’s not an excuse to cheat. Period. And guys don’t get it, but after pregnancy and childbirth, after caring for a newborn, late nights and early mornings, we are not exactly feeling like porn stars. If a man can’t handle a change in sex after a newborn comes into the picture, well IMO, he’s the one with the issue. Relationships ebb and flow. There’s not always going to be pornstar sex.

If he wants it and you never want it again, that’s something that needs to be discussed. It may lead to divorce. He’s not owed your body though just because you’re married.

If you’re going through an issue of just having zero sexual desire with no obvious reason, then that’s something that you can explore with your doctor. Depending on age, hormones, medication, etc., sex drive can be an issue. Cheating is an obvious reason to have no sexual desire though.

And your concerns are valid. What if you get sick? What about menopause? What if you now need antidepressants because of his actions? Is he then just going to use it as an excuse to cheat? Hard to want sex when there’s zero trust.

How is that reasonable? To expect marriage sex to keep up with dating sex is ridiculous. Marriage sex, keeping the spark alive with stress, mortgage, KIDS etc is WORK! It takes communication on both sides. To expect anything but that is again, ridiculous. Throw in an affair and boom, dead bedroom for sure. At least from a BW perspective.

Isn't marriage supposed to make things better? IDK, I understand what you're saying, but, at least for me, my dating and married sex life was pretty similar with my W. My post-A sex life is amazing, it's like a dream I'm not waking up from (been years now), honestly, more sex than I can handle/am capable of.

So, no, I don't think that expectation of at least a "similar" sex life to dating is unrealistic. If anything, knowing what I do now, I'd suggest "better" is what you should try for after marriage because it is possible, I'm living proof of it.

If a man can’t handle a change in sex after a newborn comes into the picture, well IMO, he’s the one with the issue.

While I agree with this, it's also kind of double talk (not from you, in general) that's spewed about in society. "It'll make you love each other more", "You'll make time for it" and "It'll go back to how it was"; those kind of platitudes are quite common, at least they were for me.

I feel some pity for men with children who are in low/no sex marriages, but, honestly, not a ton. Look dude, any amount of even surface level research would tell you what's going to happen to your sex life when you have kids. Don't like it? Well, easy solution, don't have kids! It's not rocket science here; but I do think that there's a lot of misinformation and just willful blindness to reality out there. Your TRADING one thing for another when you have kids, it's not a "hard trade", you still get to have the other things; and you gain a ton from it, but it's not "no impact". In fact, it's the most common thing I hear as the catalyst to affairs from men, "no time for me after kids". Well, man, IDK what to tell you, but this is no surprise to ANYONE who's read any of the research/stats on it. Followed closely by "Not happy after having kids"; which, again, is entirely predictable. Happiness takes a huge shot in both parents after a child is born and doesn't recover until the child leaves the home. I see a lot of this as just plain old "cake and eat it too" stuff, sure, we all want it all, but since that's not realistic, let's figure out what trades we're willing to make and which we are not. Trade happiness for contentment and fulfillment (which parents report higher than those without children); sure, that's a reasonable trade, but don't complain you're "not happy" and "not getting laid". No crap man, welcome to the club.

Isn't marriage supposed to make things better? IDK, I understand what you're saying, but, at least for me, my dating and married sex life was pretty similar with my W. My post-A sex life is amazing, it's like a dream I'm not waking up from (been years now), honestly, more sex than I can handle/am capable of.

So, no, I don't think that expectation of at least a "similar" sex life to dating is unrealistic. If anything, knowing what I do now, I'd suggest "better" is what you should try for after marriage because it is possible, I'm living proof of it.

Marriage is more than just sex.

When wh and I were dating there were no commitments, no worries, no Bill's, no kids. We would stay up all day, have sex, go fishing at night, have sex, fish until 4am, have sex, then head over to the farmers market and have sex in the back of the car while waiting for the farmers to arrive.

Ya think we can do that now???? HELL NO!!!

Sex is more planned than not. Waiting for the kids to get in bed, me hoping wh stays awake long enough after he gets home from work so we can actually have sex...

As.for Post affair sex this is where BH and BW it at least ME totally differ. I didn't want sex with him after his affairs. Ewe. Knowing his dick was in her just hours before he came home and fucked me was the biggest fucking turn off ever! He dis this when I was pregnant. He put MY life and then lives of our children at risk. Fuck fucking him!. No chance. And it's taken a long damn time to get to a point where I could just let it happen. And by my other thread I can tell you it sucks! Post affair sex isnt great sex.