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I’m six years past my cheating wife!! No regrets!! Done and done!! I’ve been in a few new relationships but nothing serious. But.... I met a woman I REALLY like a couple of months ago and we’re spending a lot of time together........days & nights! She confided in me early in our dating that her husband of 29 years cheated on her which “eventually” ended her marriage. But tonight on the phone she told me she had a “revenge” affair for two years while her and her husband were supposed to be “working it out “........ wh wh what??? I didn’t discuss it. I didn’t even respond!!

After what I went thru I have NO patience or sympathy for cheaters on either side!!!!!!! Do I need to run for the hills now before things get deeper or just take it for what it is......a relationship that cannot grow and enjoy the companionship (awesome sex)?

[This message edited by HurtingEd at 8:24 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

Can you ask her what she has learned from having a "revenge" affair? What did she learn from infidelity on both sides? See if she has grown. If she feels remorseful for having a "revenge" affair. (I don't believe in the term "revenge" affair, an affair is an affair.)

If you want to have just a sexual relationship and companionship, I feel that is fine. But, I also believe you need to tell her that is all you are interested in. That there is no future for you two. That is, if you don't care for the answers she gave you about the affair.

The way she presented it to me was almost boastful! He took me to Miami, we went to the theater in Atlanta, he would have taken me anywhere........blaa, blaa, blaa..........

I think telling her the long term thing wouldn’t work is right!! I feel differently about her now.

We live 70 miles apart. I’m going to spend the weekend at her house this weekend and we have reservations in Asheville next weekend......... that’ll probably be our last weekend together........ shit!!!

If she were remorseful and could express how she had changed and grew, then I would personally give her a chance. If she was boastful, then it would be a hard no for me.

I don’t think those who have revenge affairs are really any better.

Why did she wait a couple months to tell you? I'm assuming the time to address this would have been during that initial conversation. Maybe she held off so that you would be too invested in the relationship to bail at this point. If so, that's a massive red flag. Can't build anything on lies and she is trying to do that. Is the risk worth it?

I'd ask about previous relationships and cheating. I'd want to I know why she "omitted" that information deliberately. I'd do some vetting here.

Cheating is a maligned form of escape. Escape from pain, reality, fears, insecurities.

Sometimes a revenge affair is a BS’s way of escaping the pain of betrayal or the insecurities betrayal brings. It, initially, works VERY effectively but, eventually, takes a toll like any unhealthy form of escapism.

Like others have mentioned, ask her about this. See if she understands the unhealthy motivation, the temporizing and artificial pain relief and, if she recognizes and has reconciled with the toll(s) she has paid mentally and intellectually. Ask her if there was another BS out there she had a hand in victimizing.

Her response would be telling.

Even if she is divorced, she still has to have reconciled with herself if she is to be considered a safe future partner.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:22 AM, October 9th (Friday)]

Double post

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:15 AM, October 9th (Friday)]

I would have a hard time investing emotionally in that situation, but the reality is that is just me and my reaction to my reality in my relationship with my FWS.

Knowing that, I'd always be wondering...

Why did she tell you?

Likely not, but who says it was a revenge affair?, maybe she was the one and only cheater in her marriage?

WHY did she tell it?, what was the context of your conversation what made her bring it up? Was is about regrets about bad things done?, was it about things she is proud of?, or anything else? Or did she say it to warn you what will happen if YOU would cheat on her should you become her new boyfriend/husband and thus as a means of self-protection for her? This would be informative I would think.

2 years revenge affair?? That is some firm punishment if only revenge, likely not only revenge and thus SHADY man.

Revenge...will she also apply revenge as punishment on YOU for other things than cheating?, for buying that motorcycle that you always wanted to have?, for not filling the dishwasher as she demands that it should be done?, when she thinks you are checking out other women while you are not but the tv commercial is about underwear for women but you are not even registering those women dancing in their undies on tv and waiting for the television show to start again and continue?, etc. Does it make you feel happy and comfortable to know that she is a person capable of D(ooms)day revenge?

IF and WHEN to RUN AWAY is your choice, be careful and shields up and examine whether there are more red flags, good luck!

She made a choice to behave in a certain way. She justified it by using her H’s affair as a reason to cheat.

Her boasting about it doesn’t show her remorse or shame.

Be careful here.

HurtingEd - only you can make the decision about your relationship. But reading and re-reading this has left me cringing.

If you can't trust her 100% and this is giving you pause - is there really a chance for a future? And still - you only have her side of the story. And it isn't sounding like full on revenge to me. Just more wayward justification (see chapter I Was Entitled).

As for keeping the friends with benefits status - only you can answer if that is something that fits what you want your lifestyle to be.

You now know she has the potential to cheat, It is up to you to decide what you want to do going forward. But if it was me, I would enjoy the ride for what it is, Fun but noting serious....

If you were to continue to see her you absolutely need to dig more into this. Only you can answer that.

But...DO NOT string her along. That is cruel.

Even betrayed spouses, if they decide to reconcile, have some responsibility to making that work. Having an affair is just never ok - even if her husband did do it first, like any affair it solves nothing. It shows the same warped thinking that any WS has.

That she would tell you this, and be proud of it is a massive red flag and i personally would end it. If you are both happy to make it sex only then fair enough, but consider whether you are the type of person to develop feelings through sex and if down the road you might not start excusing or ignoring this and other flags (if they arise).

Sometimes it’s best to go with your gut feeling and find someone who can be that safe partner for you.

She didn't tell you at first. But when she did tell you, it sounds like shes describing a magical wonderful time. RA happened but 2 years? I don't know man. Sure sounds like she enjoyed the hell out of it and didn't learn anything from her cheating. Just my opinion. It would be a deal breaker for me.

A two year "revenge affair" -- hmmm. Okay.

Yikes man. That doesn't sound good at all. I think you know what's gotta happen. Listen to yourself.

I think your choice is dumping her or following dblackstar's advice - fun, but not serious.

It may (or may not) be worth a conversation to verify whether she was boasting or not.

HurtingEd,

Ask a few questions.

Did she apologize to the BW or BGF if the OM was married or had a SO. If she did not then she never recognized the innocents she harmed and her affair was never atoned for. Same for the children of the OMs if he had any.

Did she apologize to her FWH, a subtle point perhaps, but given that her FWH many have sincerely been trying to recover their marriage this would have been deceptive on her part.

Why did she withhold this info from you for this long.

I agree with some of the other posters that she may have been the one who started cheating in the relationship only later to rewrite the timeline.

She may be discounting EAs she had before her FWHs PA.

Yes many red flags you need to look into.

Coming from someone who did have an A after the discovery of my STBX's first A... the fact that she is boasting about it would stop me in my tracks. I am both horrified and let myself down by having a revenge affair. Mine lasted a month and I was disgusted with myself and it felt uncomfortable and wrong. I would definitely understand someone not wanting to continue a relationship with that info.

Also 2 years is a long time to be duplicitous. It is leading a double life. A person who can keep lying for that long has major issues.