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I've been going through my memories of the few months prior to D-Day and have stopped at something my wife began saying prior to the confrontation.

She told me the following: "36, you need to stop putting me on a pedestal. You don't always need to treat me like a princess."

Do women not want to be respected and treated well? I now know she was feeling guilt over her affair, but I found it very confusing at the time.

Do women prefer to be treated like they are worthless?

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 6:38 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Wait, are my only choices pedestal or worthless?

When someone puts me on a pedestal, and it has happened too often, I keep my distance. I consider it a sign of low self-esteem and neediness.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:04 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Prior to his A didn't need to be on a pedestal, now I'd like that again

Is that lack of appreciation of what I had?

Reminds me of the expression I hate the most:

"Happy wife, happy life."

Yuck. (Because that's code for "I don't matter anymore," right?)

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:24 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

putting me on a pedestal.

At first I thought maybe it was the idea of someone "putting" another anywhere was what your wife disliked. As in - putting her somewhere other than "here."

But then - she followed it up with *You* don't treat me like a princess. I wouldn't equate those two things, but I'm reading that as: "if you're going to bring out the pedestal, then I'd better be treated like a princess." And I don't think princess necessarily = respected and treated well. I think everyone wants that - royalty or not.

My response to the pedestal idea would have been - please don't go idealizing me or thinking I'm on some different plane or level. I'm human and fallible and right here with you. Plus - the idea of tumbling or crashing off a pedestal could be a long way to fall.

[This message edited by Chili at 6:24 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

In general Id be quite happy to be put on a pedestal however if someone tried to tell me I was great at embroidery for eg then that would feel like manipulation or at the very least id feel the other person didn't understand me at all . So , it depends.

Let me clarify. I always treated my wife with the utmost respect. I lavished her with attention and freedom. She wanted for nothing. She shared in my success, though did little to contribute to it. She had nice places to live, fancy cars, great vacations and all the money she could spend (and did).

She was loved and treated well. Not because of me having low self esteem. I loved and wanted her life to be magical.

So what am I missing?

Incidentally, I edited the original post to say, "You don't always need to treat me like a princess." I had typos in the original, and had stated, "You don't always treat me like a princess."

Well no - women don't prefer to be treated like they are worthless.

For me, I wouldn't want to be put on a pedestal either. I have faults and I make mistakes. I'd rather my husband love me in spite of my faults rather than being oblivious to them.

I'm a man, so take my experience for what it's worth.

Men tend to want to strive to an idealized peak, whatever they think that may be.

Women tend to want to feel a gamut of emotions. They want a good cry. They, um, enjoy being called bad, nasty names during sex.

When a man only gives them the best, he is not giving them all sides of the human experience. The man who is doing that is giving them the man's idea of optimal love. Not necessarily the woman's.

This is why women sometimes gravitate towards "bad" men. They get facets of human experience they do not get elsewhere.

I've been going through my memories of the few months prior to D-Day and have stopped at something my wife began saying prior to the confrontation.

She told me the following: "36, you need to stop putting me on a pedestal. You don't always need to treat me like a princess."

was this said during your WW PA.

Sounds to me like you married a messed up person i dont think you need to ask yourself what YOU did wrong in the marriage

That being said people want to be seen the way they see themselves , if someone has self esteem issues all the worlds compliments can feel fake and even aggressive to them

[This message edited by siracha at 7:25 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

My 2 cents, and yes I’m going to generalise, most women do not like being put on a pedestal. It communicates that you’re emotionally over-invested in her instead of focused on what should be the main priorities in your life, the things that propel you forward, career accomplishments, adventures, interests, etc.. Even though you’re well intended, over-investing creates unwanted pressure, even disgust over time, especially when the other person does nothing to warrant that level of investment. Relationships require balance, appropriate attention/reward relative to effort and reciprocal behaviour, and from a male point of view, dominant (confident, purposeful, kind) behaviour, not subservient. That balance is the difference between being respected versus not.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 7:47 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Women like to be appreciated and valued, as they should appreciate their partner in the same way. It's when one or both parties become complacent, or start taking each other for granted, that relationships stumble.

Phantasmagoria is spot on. It's one thing to go out of your way for someone who's earned it, i.e they've really gone out of their way for you or came through when you were in a pinch. Or give that kind of deference to someone of high esteem or status, like a beloved elder relative, a celebrity or a great teacher for example. But to give such 'royal' treatment to a woman just for 'showing up'? It can comes off as manipulative or needy as OIN said. I get it. You like her and you want her to like you back. You probably felt you were putting your best foot forward.

Even though you probably mean well (I'm speaking from experience) and are treating her this way because you like her and enjoy treating her well, even spoiling her, many women take it as if you are trying to 'buy' them in some way which in my case was not the intent.

This is where the 'SHIT TEST' comes from. When you pedestalize a woman she doesn't really know where you're coming from, or what is the REAL you. So she may do things that should bother you to see if you'll put up with it. Little things at first like breaking a date, being late or some off-hand comment. If you fail to call her on it she'll probably feel you are trying to manipulate her or that you are weak and won't stand up for yourself. Not the intent and probably not true, but it can seem that way to her and she may lose respect for you.

My WH spent most of our marriage being disrespectful and treating me poorly.

He had several goes knocking me off and smashing that pedestal.

He even told the AP that he was the “Bad One” in our marriage.

No I am not a Princess and he’s NO PRINCE CHARMING, I believe he treated the AP as worthless, but she liked that.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. If you're being a "Nice Guy"(as described in the book), the answer is no. You're being a lapdog and your wife won't respect you (ask ME how I know...). If you are overrepresenting being good to your wife, you are not using "pedestal" correctly, imho.

She shared in my success, though did little to contribute to it.

Wow. Then why did you do all that?

To clarify, if she didn't earn it, as you say, then you do not understand why she didn't appreciate you spending "your money" on her? Maybe she assumed they were earned marital accomplishments and rewards? Or maybe women can't be bought, just loved? Maybe she wanted respect and not stuff?

On the one hand, you said something so disrespectful about her not "earning" the marital assets, and on the other hand you disrespect her indirectly by treating her like a kept woman and not understanding your objectification of her as if she was not an actual pereon. It could be all this that women don't like, but it sure doesn't feel like your wife was on a pedestal.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:34 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

I started getting where I wanted to go with women when I started to ignore questions about 'women' and to focus on what I wanted. I started looking for women who would give me what I wanted and who wanted what I offered.

I put W2b on a pedestal initially. I thought she was a lot better looking for a woman that I was for a man. I knew she was a lot more successful than I was academically, and we both wanted to stay in the academic world. For months we talked over coffee after class. I had fallen for her hard, but I couldn't believe she had any interest in me beyond coffee.

It was only when I realized that finding out if we could be together required taking her off the pedestal.

One of the reasons I didn't confront her A behavior earlier than I did is that I saw her as honest and ethical. That was not seeing her as better than she was. Up until the A, her outward behavior had just about always been honest and ethical.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:43 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

Read The Way of the Superior Man - it’s never too late to put your mission first and stop pedestalizing women - especially one as un-pedestal-worthy as a WW. They just aren’t special and they drove that home with adultery.

Lots of women just as fine and wonderful as they are — and bonus! - they’ve never cheated on you.

She told me the following: "36, you need to stop putting me on a pedestal. You don't always need to treat me like a princess."

Do women not want to be respected and treated well? I now know she was feeling guilt over her affair

Maybe she said all of that because she felt guolty over cheating. Maybe she felt like she didn't deserve to be treated well because she felt like she didn't deserve it.

But being treated well and being put on a pedestal are not the same thing. And i don't know one woman who likes to be put on a pedestal. A pedestal means you are worshipped and it means your SO does not see who you are. And i don't know any happy relatiobshio where someone is on a pedestal. We ALL, regardless of gender, want to be loved and respected. Pedestal is not respect. It is idealization.

Women, people in general, want to be loved for who they are. We all want to be loved with our flaws.

And being treated like a princess? Again, not the same as being treated well. It is infantilizing.

Now. Maybe ilwhat happened witj your wife is that she felt guilty for cheating and so she viewed being treated well as being put on a pedestal.

Bit again. Being put on a pedestal is not the same as being treated well.