This Topic is Archived
Whatslove (original poster new member #74490) posted at 1:19 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
We are in the beginning stages of reconciliation and I have a suspicion he is not being faithful. He found the VAR and confronted me. Words of advice?
[This message edited by Whatslove at 1:06 AM, October 21st (Wednesday)]
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:32 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
"I will not apologize the methods I use to protect myself against someone who has proven to me that I am not safe with them.
Safety and trust is earned. Its unfortunate that you found the VAR,because the contents on it could have gone a very long way in establishing both."
[This message edited by HellFire at 7:33 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 2:00 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
I recorded my WW a few months in and gave me solid confirmation she didn't have sex with AP. I have apologized but also said it felt necessary. "Sorry I have done this, but I didn't feel safe and this has helped."
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
99problems ( member #59373) posted at 3:25 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
I recorded my stbxww saying "I love you" to a man, after they fucked, while she claimed she was visiting her father's grave on father's day (leaving me alone with my kid, btw)
She has tried to claim that it was illegal, AFTER she gave me permission to monitor her as a condition of R, but I live in a single party state and don't plan on using it in court. I just needed it to get myself out of that marriage.
You need what you need, if he tries to guilt you or shame you for this then it's a sign that things won't go well in R.
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,
oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 4:23 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
the first two responses to your post spell out what to tell
your WH.
jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 11:00 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
All is fair in love and war. Now he gets a taste of what it’s like. I bought a program. Dumped my wife’s ipad and phone to excel and sifted through her secret life. She didn’t get preachy about it. She was to worried about where she was going to sleep. It’s a condition of reconciliation. Your spouse can’t be trusted so monitoring them like children is required until you feel they don’t need it anymore..
landclark ( member #70659) posted at 12:32 PM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
Confronted you how? What did he say? Is he looking for an apology or something? Did you hear anything damning?
I probably wouldn’t back down myself. Focusing on a VAR seems like deflecting to me.
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through AugustOne child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5
First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.
NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 3:05 PM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
He should be grateful he faces a VAR and not divorce papers.
It blows my mind how narrow minded a WS can be. I imagine it's just a sense of entitlement that they deserve the "good" they seek from an AP and are unrighteously persecuted for the bad stemming from the A that drives their terrible sense of direction.
Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:39 PM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020
It is probably illegal in your state to record conversations you're not a part of. It may be illegal in your state to record conversations you are a part of.
If your H won't put the VAR back where it was and give you permission to record his conversations, you have a problem. A WS who is committed to R will be willing to have everything he does and says videotaped.
It's an aspect of 'transparency,' which is one the better requirements for R.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
I can tell you my H wouldn’t dare confront me b/c he woukd know why.
Do. Not. Back. Down.
It’s the price he pays for lying and disrespecting you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 1:30 AM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
Safety and trust is earned. Its unfortunate that you found the VAR,because the contents on it could have gone a very long way in establishing both."
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^
"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 11:09 AM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^
I agree emphatically
Maybe put in perspective: "The VAR is a lot cheaper than having a PI investigate your activities."
Also - being a marriage policeman will get old and I think breeds resentment.
Do you really want to be in a marriage where you have to constantly worry - that is because you don't trust and your spouse is not doing everything possible to allay your fears and work to regain some level of trust?
Consider getting another VAR and get one that is more discreet. Go to your preferred internet search engine and look - voice recorders that don't look like voice recorders. Maybe search using 'audio surveillance'
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 12:57 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
Wow. So many have VARs. Can someone dm me the brand and where they got it?
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:11 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
What is 'dm'?
I just looked at amazon's offerings. There's a Sony model at $40-$50 that gets great reviews and seems to be a standard.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
DM means Direct Message
Mickie: You are still entertaining and pursuing an RA per your recent posts. What would your partner find if he was recording you?
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
"I will not apologize the methods I use to protect myself against someone who has proven to me that I am not safe with them."
^^^This short and sweet.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/2024
ann1960 ( member #5473) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
I got busted too. FWH and I were watching TV and it was showing 2 woman spying on their friend through a camera they planted in her apt. He said, “see your not the only one who does that.”
I responded, “I would never have had to if my cheating husband had been faithful and honest.” Nuff said! He didn’t respond nor was he mad. He wanted to needle me and let me know I spy on him. Sure do!
I will randomly look through my husbands phone, I put a key logger on his phone (doesn’t work anymore because I haven’t kept up with the updates.) I hid cameras in our bedroom so I could hear possible conversations. So far he has staying faithful (that I know of) but I have caught the little boy white lies. Was never aware he didn’t that until his affair. I’m tooooooooooooo trusting. Well WAS too trusting.
You owe him no apology! Curious...did you find anything? There are more spying techniques keep going.
Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 10:07 PM on Monday, October 19th, 2020
Poppy704
What are you doing? If you want to discuss anything with me use dm. I doubt that you will though as you just want to make me feel bad.
ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 7:16 AM on Tuesday, October 20th, 2020
Whenever my FWS has found me spiraling and snooping, they're empathetic. They look sad, tell me they understand why, they're sorry for what they did, and they want me to keep looking until I feel better or I've found what I'm looking for.
It's been a couple of years since their A ended, I haven't found anything suspicious whenever I feel paranoid and need to snoop/verify, and as a result, those thoughts and feelings pop up less and less frequently.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
shellofme ( member #57133) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, October 20th, 2020
This sums it up for me:
If your H won't put the VAR back where it was and give you permission to record his conversations, you have a problem. A WS who is committed to R will be willing to have everything he does and says videotaped.
However, a WS that claims to be a FWS can always take their behavior more underground. For example, they could allow a BS to leave the VAR in the car, but then make sure not to have incriminating phone conversations in the car. If you are with a FWS truly worthy of R, then he/she should be okay with anything that provides transparency, and would help to make his/her BS feel safe. For BS that fear their FWS isn't a former, but is still actively wayward, there are other things you could do (like a device hidden inside the car that tracks location). Ultimately though, this is the type of response that a FWS is worthy of attempting R:
Whenever my FWS has found me spiraling and snooping, they're empathetic. They look sad, tell me they understand why, they're sorry for what they did, and they want me to keep looking until I feel better or I've found what I'm looking for.
This Topic is Archived
