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Hon, that's not true. You have all of us trying to help you. You are not alone.

Thank you so much

Which was probably a true picture of her. Have you heard anyone else other than her verify he was knocking her about?

No nobody else

Posted: 12:43 PM, November 16th (Monday), 2020

Oh Rambler,

I swear you are not alone, you have so much wisdom, empathy, strength, advice & genuine concern & much more from (yes I know complete strangers) however it’s strangers that know exactly how you feel,

At any point there is always someone here to lend an ear (albeit a keyboard ear) but still we are here for you.

1st, Please don’t suffer in silence, inform your Doc when you see him, he may be able to prescribe you something to help a little,

2nd, when she starts her blaming, WALK away, SHUT her out, she wants & needs an audience, don’t give it to her!!

3rd, check with CAB, honestly I’m sure you will find someone there that can help you, they were fantastic when I needed help with my circumstances.

Have you got any close friends local to you?

You are so kind.

No my only friends were back where I used to live. One cut me off because of her funny enough. He was a bad influence on me and because I agreed with her he said we are through and the other one has grandchildren now and is busy

Hmm it sounds like she has done a fine job of cutting you off from supportive people.

Reach out to the granddad, you may be surprised, I have 4 kids, numerous GC, 2 more next year 😳,

honestly in real life (without lockdown) my free time is crazy but I would still make time for a friend in need,

Or get in contact with local groups, I volunteer at the food bank & for RITS (riders in the sky) delivering parcels, talking to people, paying bills etc, making sure the vulnerable have what they need, it’s so damn rewarding I’ve never done anything like this before but I love making a difference, plus it fills a void while on furlough. I’ve met some pretty awesome people, made a lot of new friends too.

I know absolutely nothing about churches or Salvation Army groups but I know they do exist so that might be something to look into.

She is showing you who she is, now it’s time to show her who you are, don’t allow her to beat you down anymore than she already has, you deserve much much more than that.

you have to take these steps first.

You don't deserve that treatment. This is NOT your fault!!!!

Have you made any appointments? Doc's? IC? CAB? Solicitor? I know we are in lockdown but all these are still operating even if its just by phone.

Plz start taking steps to control your future Rambler, I know its hard but trust me it can be done.

This ^^^

Rambler please please please get yourself some IC (individual counselling). Having read through your thread again may I be so bold as to suggest it's imperative for you to find a good therapist (ideally a male one imo) you can confide in. It is not only to help you get through the current nightmare you're experiencing but will hopefully set you on a path that will shape your future life for the better.

I would also highly recommend you read the book 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Robert Glover (it's available as a free PDF online).

Finally, as others have said, we are here to help you. Some of the posters have given, and will continue to give 'tough love' but the BS's who post on here recognise the pain and suffering you are going through. We all want to help you get out of infidelity and we all have to find our own individual path to achieve it.

Sending you best wishes and above all STRENGTH!

Your best choice is to focus on you. Not her. Not your relationship. But you. And your children.

When my H was walking out the door after 25 years of a good marriage I was blindsided. No warning. Just came home one night and said he met someone. Days later he wants a D.

Game on! I cannot stop a Divorce but I can make sure I’m not on the Losing end. I'm emotionally exhausted but yet I have to pick myself up off the floor every day. Because I have children. Because they need a parent who isn’t a train wreck.

And my H was “in love” with the OW and was all about her. And his “right to be happy”.

Get yourself counseling and support. I had friends I could count on but I too told almost no one. I didn’t want my children finding out. So I understand where you are. My cousin droid saved my sanity during this ordeal and I can tell you I am not the doormat I was during our marriage.

With total frankness I see here a marriage that maybe should never have been. At the very least there does not sound like a lot of compatibility between you two right now, and limited willingness to achieve that compatibility.

This does not justify or excuse or minimize her decision to have an affair. But IMHO it does set the path for the next steps.

And yes – I wouldn’t be surprised if they are making plans. OM wife with dementia requiring assistance -> next step is death or an institution. I can understand the OM not wanting to divorce his ill wife, but I wouldn’t put it past them to have plans either when she dies or is institutionalized.

My suggestion? Be very clear on what would be considered matrimonial and non-matrimonial assets. Based solely on what you share it sounds like financially she was in a better place than you. It also sounds like you fear being single for financial reasons.

Look into when the present home was bought: If after the marriage then the name on the deed or who paid might not matter and it be a marital asset. When was her old home sold? Did the son pay the correct price? Were the correct taxes paid? Inheritance fees and taxes? The property might have been a non-marital asset, but what about the money from the sale? If one or any of these took place after you married you might have a claim.

Bluntly – with the help of a solicitor then create the hardest financial demands you can. Even if the claims have dubious legal grounds then possibly the threat of the IRS or whatever Taxman is named in the UK looking into inheritance tax and the sale of her old property might make her willing to settle for more than you legally might be entitled.

With total frankness I see here a marriage that maybe should never have been. At the very least there does not sound like a lot of compatibility between you two right now, and limited willingness to achieve that compatibility.

This does not justify or excuse or minimize her decision to have an affair. But IMHO it does set the path for the next steps.

And yes – I wouldn’t be surprised if they are making plans. OM wife with dementia requiring assistance -> next step is death or an institution. I can understand the OM not wanting to divorce his ill wife, but I wouldn’t put it past them to have plans either when she dies or is institutionalized.

I have been very low hence my delay and I have offered a deal via a solicitor which I think is fair.

How right you are they have made plans and both feel relieved that it is now out and in the open!

I gather the OM's wife will be put into a care home and my wife will rent her house out.

I will be given her flat in total which is worth about £120000

We had a meet about a week ago and it felt very surreal sitting opposite a couple who are very much in love!

Thank you all so much for all your help

Hi Rambler, good to see your back,

I have been thinking of you in hope you had reached out in some way to either a friend or support group now lockdown has been lifted, I’m back to my ‘crazy busy schedule’ so I haven’t been on here as much as I’d like.

Tbh I’m not surprised of this development,

although I am very sorry you have been treated this way.

You may not see it at the moment but you have been given the gift of moving on, fill your days however you choose, weather, health & restrictions in mind.

Be strong & be safe,

you deserve much more than she gave you.

I'm so sorry, Rambler. This was done in a very hurtful manner. Shows what they are made of. Perhaps, in time, you will see some positive elements even if impossible to imagine that right now.

Look after yourself, man.

What does your attorney say about that settlement?

Is the apartment worth more or less than half her house?

I sort of get a feeling that an extra 5k might help you more than it will hurt them.

Hi Rambler, good to see your back,

I have been thinking of you in hope you had reached out in some way to either a friend or support group now lockdown has been lifted, I’m back to my ‘crazy busy schedule’ so I haven’t been on here as much as I’d like.

Tbh I’m not surprised of this development,

although I am very sorry you have been treated this way.

You may not see it at the moment but you have been given the gift of moving on, fill your days however you choose, weather, health & restrictions in mind.

Be strong & be safe,

you deserve much more than she gave you.

Thank you.

We are in Tier 3 so much the same as before really.

It is strange but you are right about moving on. I am getting on so much better with my wife and although I will move out we will remain friends. Martin her BF is a very nice man and I can see it from an outside point of view and it is for the best.

I'm so sorry, Rambler. This was done in a very hurtful manner. Shows what they are made of. Perhaps, in time, you will see some positive elements even if impossible to imagine that right now.

Look after yourself, man.

Yes the deceit hurt but it is for the best and it is lovely to see her so happy now and I certainly didn't make her happy.

What does your attorney say about that settlement?

Is the apartment worth more or less than half her house?

I sort of get a feeling that an extra 5k might help you more than it will hurt them.

It is a very good offer indeed and I am thankful

I’m really sorry for being so abrasive and blunt but frankly based on what you shared then this marriage seemed doomed. Basically, you described a chasm between you and your wife that might be understandable in an elderly marriage and would be bridged by past experiences and history, only you and your WW didn’t have that history.

How she went about ending it is wrong and I can understand the pain you are feeling.

If the deal is acceptable and your solicitor says so then go for it. The key IMHO is that you can envision living on your pension in the apartment and have a good quality of life.

Bigger

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Member # 8354

Default Posted: 5:40 AM, December 14th (Monday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message

I’m really sorry for being so abrasive and blunt but frankly based on what you shared then this marriage seemed doomed. Basically, you described a chasm between you and your wife that might be understandable in an elderly marriage and would be bridged by past experiences and history, only you and your WW didn’t have that history.

How she went about ending it is wrong and I can understand the pain you are feeling.

If the deal is acceptable and your solicitor says so then go for it. The key IMHO is that you can envision living on your pension in the apartment and have a good quality of life.

Yes and the chasm became greater and greater. I used to dread the early days when bedtime came around and would always take so long before retiring.

I have opened up totally to them both and I cannot fully explain it but I am not gay but the idea of intimacy is off putting to me. So sex is a non starter and whcich is why I suppose I never felt any guilt on that side of things when I knew they must be sleeping together.

I have really got to know them both and I am happy for that.

I think I should always remained single and deep down I knew that.

Yes the property is all mine and I will be able to cover the bills.

I cannot move in until March but that is fine with my wife as I sleep in the spare room anyway!

Hey Rambler,

Welcome back, hope you’ve been able to enjoy the festive period with the restrictions in place.

You really do sound like you are at peace with the recent changes in your life, for that I’m happy for you.

Maybe now you can connect with old friends or make new 1’s,

Ps never feel guilty for how you feel, it would be a boring world if everyone was the same.

Good luck & take care R

Hey Rambler,

Welcome back, hope you’ve been able to enjoy the festive period with the restrictions in place.

You really do sound like you are at peace with the recent changes in your life, for that I’m happy for you.

Maybe now you can connect with old friends or make new 1’s,

Ps never feel guilty for how you feel, it would be a boring world if everyone was the same.

Good luck & take care R

Thank you so much.

I have never had many friends to be honest and the closest is now remarried and moved away!

I must update you on things or rather my thoughts.

My wife is so different and seems like another person towards me! It is like we were never a couple! She makes more of an effort in what she wears and her hair looks nicer etc but I now think this was all planned as 'he' has rarely mentioned his wife so I did last night and he said it is none of my business!

When I was alone with my wife I told her how rude he was and she said he was right and it is none of my business and if I don't like it I can leave!

Does this sound odd or is it me?

I’m so sorry but no I don’t think it’s odd, I think it’s been on the cards since the beginning,

rude...yes,

disrespectful... hell yes,

Truthfully though it is true as they don’t see you in their circle Rambler.

The thing is, imho you have been too nice, maybe even thought you would maintain friendships with these two,

But I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen, they started an affair while his wife is sick among other things, they are both amoral & dishonest people, this alone shows you what sort of people they are.

They give a little then retract...rinse & repeat!!

For your own health & sanity I honestly think you should Detach from them both,

It’s heartbreaking how they are treating you,

Almost like you’ve been cuckolded,

I was thinking about you and your dilemma the other day, my mum passed quite a few yrs ago, my dad is in his mid 70’s, he stumbled upon a group 2 yrs ago for men...it’s called the ‘Men’s Shed’ it’s been amazing for him, he’s gone from once a week to 3x’s weekly or more now, widows, betrayed, lonely, bored, retired, working men etc etc, the group is getting bigger & bigger, every man brings something different to the table. My dad absolutely loves it.

Please please look into your area, you maybe surprised by what is out there to fill some of your time.

Don’t accept this behaviour as your normal, please you deserve so much more.

((((Hugs))))

I’m so sorry but no I don’t think it’s odd, I think it’s been on the cards since the beginning,

rude...yes,

disrespectful... hell yes,

Truthfully though it is true as they don’t see you in their circle Rambler.

The thing is, imho you have been too nice, maybe even thought you would maintain friendships with these two,

But I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen, they started an affair while his wife is sick among other things, they are both amoral & dishonest people, this alone shows you what sort of people they are.

They give a little then retract...rinse & repeat!!

For your own health & sanity I honestly think you should Detach from them both,

It’s heartbreaking how they are treating you,

Almost like you’ve been cuckolded,

I was thinking about you and your dilemma the other day, my mum passed quite a few yrs ago, my dad is in his mid 70’s, he stumbled upon a group 2 yrs ago for men...it’s called the ‘Men’s Shed’ it’s been amazing for him, he’s gone from once a week to 3x’s weekly or more now, widows, betrayed, lonely, bored, retired, working men etc etc, the group is getting bigger & bigger, every man brings something different to the table. My dad absolutely loves it.

Please please look into your area, you maybe surprised by what is out there to fill some of your time.

Don’t accept this behaviour as your normal, please you deserve so much more.

((((Hugs))))

Last night was awful! We have gone into lockdown and 'he' said he must go to his wife and my wife said no he must not as his place is here now! He said but his wife's carer will expect him! My wife then said fuck her and your wife as she does not know what day it is so it won't matter!

My wife had been drinking but he didn't go!

I was in my bedroom thankfully!

I am scared of her you see and I can now see he is similar!

I so need to get out and your suggestions are most welcome.

Thank you so much again