"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Gottagetthrough posted 11/3/2020 14:11 PM

I started a week ago, and i felt better for a few days (maybe the placebo effect) and the last few days ive felt so down. I have also wanted to talk to wh, who still lives in my house, about the affair. I asked him today if he knew that his DD wont talk to him, he lost his marriage, and he lost his job all over ow2. I said i just want him to admit that he had an emotional affair. He got angry when i said that and denied it. I asked how hed feel if i texted men what he texted ow2? He said thats different...

I just feel so invalidated. I feel like im screaming and no one can hear me.

I just need him to say he had an affair with ow2. That his actions were wrong and horrible and he left his family for tgis relationship. That it all blew up in his face. I dont need an apology. I need an admission. I want him to know what he lost and why. Its because of him.

tushnurse posted 11/3/2020 14:26 PM

Why do you need an admission from a known liar?

And yes AD's can make you feel off initally or make you feel worse if it isn't the right one for you.

Stop interacting with him. Gray Rock. Go do something for you. You are strong and capable.

crazyblindsided posted 11/3/2020 14:49 PM

(((Gottagetthrough))) agree with tushnurse stop expecting anything from him. You know... and that's all that matters. They are a lost cause. My STBX refuses to look inward he still thinks he's a "really good person" I just can't with that thinking anymore especially when no work has been put into themselves and getting healthier.

I've been on AD's for years now (I'm too afraid to get off them) they make me feel tired but not depressed. You may have to try a few to find what works. I'm on my second AD and second mood stabilizer.

TheLostOne2020 posted 11/3/2020 16:31 PM

With regard to antidepressants, from what (little) I know it can make you depressed for the first week, week and a half.

My ex got on Lexapro and was crying nonstop (almost) for a little over a week when she started it.

barcher144 posted 11/3/2020 17:28 PM

antidepressants are quite the crapshoot.

You might feel better or worse for awhile before the real effects kick in. It's typically 4-6 weeks before you stabilize.

If things get really, call your doctor. Otherwise, try to stick it out.

This all sucks. You have been through some serious trauma. Go easy on yourself.

Gottagetthrough posted 11/4/2020 02:42 AM

Why do you need an admission from a known liar?

I need to know what part of my life has been a lie. Which family outings were spent thinking about and texting her.

I know beach 2019 was

All of baby 3’s moments

What else?

I feel like depression might be a step up from where i was previously when I was just stuffing everything down and rug sweeping. There was a time in 2010 when i told my therapist, i cant cry. I want to cry, i get up early to cry so my kids wont see me. But i cant do it. I was so sad i couldnt cry. I feel like i was in a similar state before i started the ADs last week.

I also really want him to know what hes lost and how stupid he is. I would do anything for him. He has a house because of me. Im a real catch, i hate to be a nasty person, but he wont find anyone as good as me. I supported him and his bipolar diagnosis and his career aspirations in an unwavering way that i really doubt anyone else would.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:43 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)]

barcher144 posted 11/4/2020 07:37 AM

Im a real catch, i hate to be a nasty person, but he wont find anyone as good as me.

Yes, you are a real catch. Stop wasting your time with this jackass, get yourself healed, and find someone who actually appreciates you for you.

The only problem with your logic is that you are trying to use logic with a narcissistic asshole. From his perspective, the "problem" is that you, the real catch, don't worship him and the ground that he walks on. It's all your fault, don't you see?

tushnurse posted 11/4/2020 07:39 AM

What else?

You know what else already. He never did the real work. He did just enough. Then when he got comfortable again, he went right back to it. He never dug in. He never healed himself. YOU cannot do that for him. Period.

In his own broken way he warned you. He didn't want this baby, and he has not bonded w/ him either. Which is really quite sad. He will miss out on a lot. You however will heal and be an awesome mom, and your boy will be loved and hopefully be raised knowing that his mom did everything she could to give him the best life she could.

I also really want him to know what hes lost and how stupid he is. I would do anything for him. He has a house because of me. Im a real catch, i hate to be a nasty person, but he wont find anyone as good as me. I supported him and his bipolar diagnosis and his career aspirations in an unwavering way that i really doubt anyone else would.

But he never will. I know you are kicking and screaming at reaching that stage of acceptance. But again his choices have ZERO to do with who you are, and the kind of wife and mother you are. He is broken. He has chosen to stay entrenched in his brokenness. YOU cannot make him do anything he is unwilling to do. It doesn't work.

Someday he may realize when he is alone, what he has lost, but honey stop basing your happiness, and closure of this toxic relationship on him. Please start focusing on you and your kids.

And YES many AD's will make you feel worse before you feel better. There are a lot of them out there because they all work just a bit differently, so if you find yourself not feeling better/more stable in a bit (a few weeks) then call your Dr. And when you do find you are getting relief from the meds don't be surprised to find that you are either angry, or crying a lot more. It may open those pathways to allow to grieve.

((((And Strength))))

Justsomeguy posted 11/4/2020 08:59 AM

It took me a bit to fin ADs that work, but they keep me from getting super low. I'm on a low dose, but probably will be for years.

As for your WH, stop looking for answers. The very fact that you are looking at him to suddey get it and say that magical thing that makes all of this bullshit makes sense or have some meaning is putting you in a position where he has control of your healing.

You need to not need him. It takes time, but your goal should be indifference. Then and only then will you have detached and started living your life for you. It's a tough road, but once you fully commit to a goal, then you can truly journey. Even though he was a douche, Cortez burned his ships so there would never be any thoughts of going backward.

TwoDozen posted 11/4/2020 09:08 AM

Can only speak from my own experience when taking ADs for acute anxiety many years ago. They removed the peaks and troughs and left me in some kind of permanent middle ground with no high or low emotions. I was essentially a zombie running on autopilot, they served their purpose I suppose.

I have been told since then that there are some that keep you in an artificially “up” state which sounds idealic but there were not the ones that I had.

I would be concerned if ADs actually lowered my mood and would speak to my doctor about it.

Sorry you’re in the place

2D

little turtle posted 11/4/2020 09:15 AM

It wasn't until SEVERAL years later that my XH gained some insight as to what he lost when he refused to give up OW. Don't waste another minute on your STBX.

How's the divorce process going? Any back up plans in place to get him out of the house?

Focus on you. Have you gone back to the art museum? How are the kids? What are your holiday plans? I think you said you're going home with family. That's exciting.

crazyblindsided posted 11/4/2020 13:41 PM

I also really want him to know what hes lost and how stupid he is.

I felt this way for a long time. It was like beating my head against a wall over and over again until I realized I'm hurting myself.

My STBX also never got it. Sometimes he pretended to and would apologize but he would always slip back into old patterns. I just don't think they are capable of the type of introspection that we expect from them. That was a dealbreaker for me. My STBX refuses to look at his role in what happened he still wants to blame me. He is even blaming me for leaving and giving up on him. He literally said to me that I spit on our 24 years together and his progress. He's totally delusional now and I have to just ignore him or it will eat me alive.

little turtle posted 11/4/2020 13:55 PM

He is even blaming me for leaving and giving up on him

This must be in the book. Mine said the same thing! I didn't give him enough time. I waited a year before I filed for a divorce after I found out about the affair. That's plenty of time!

Anna123 posted 11/4/2020 14:23 PM

Obviously everyone is different but for some reason three different times in my life I desperately wanted antidepressants (and an anti anxiety for the cheating--) and none of the three different doctors would prescribe either of them. I am now glad they didn't and got through without. If the drug is making it worse you could consult your Dr. about weaning off properly and going it alone for a bit, much healthier if you can do it and no mystery after-effects. You can always try something different if you and your Dr. find it necessary later.

I just need him to say he had an affair with ow2. That his actions were wrong and horrible and he left his family for tgis relationship. That it all blew up in his face. I dont need an apology. I need an admission. I want him to know what he lost and why. Its because of him

You don't need him to. You just really, really want him to. You will survive if he doesn't. I know you would expect a decent human being to have remorse. But he is not decent. I hope for your sake you get what you want.

Good luck with this and take care.

cheatingisabuse posted 11/4/2020 15:02 PM

Hey Gottagetthrough,

It depends on the antidepressant, but I would say most take AT LEAST a few weeks to start working and up to 6 to feel the full effect. If it's an option, I would shoot a quick email to your psychiatrist asking this same question. They will hopefully be able to respond with more authority than any of us can.

Also, I know this is obvious advice, but my dbt group was always going on about PLEASE to reduce vulnerabilities. At the very least, I would start noting when you are able to keep up with PLEASE and when not, as I am fairly certain you will notice a correlation between this and arguments with your STBXH as well as your own negative feelings.

PL: Treat Physical iLLness: Take care of yourself when you are sick! Take all medication as prescribed by your physician and take your vitamins daily.

E: Eat Balanced Meals

A: Avoid Mood Altering Drugs: Only take substances that are prescribed to you by a doctor. Drink alcohol in moderation, or consider drinking moderately on the weekends only.

S: Get a Good Night’s Sleep: Most people need between 8 and 10 hours of sleep each night. Practice good sleep hygiene: unplug from electronics an hour before bed, dim or shut the lights off completely, and make going to bed at the same time each night a priority. By avoiding naps during the day, you may be able to sleep better at night.

E: Make Time for Exercise: Try to get at least 20 to 30 minutes of exercise every day. Exercise releases natural mood-boosting chemicals and provides a healthy outlet to expend excess energy or frustration. If you do not exercise regularly already, start small and work up to the full 20 minutes over time.

Also, I had a therapist once who said getting a pet (I think she was specifically referring to a dog) is AS effective as therapy/certain types of drugs. Are you an animal person? I wasn't before, but I have definitely begun to come around. Unconditional love/affection and being forced out of the house multiple times a day could be good for you.

nekonamida posted 11/4/2020 18:24 PM

I also really want him to know what hes lost and how stupid he is.

What if he never gets it? He can't possibly get it while you're still living with him. In fact, he almost certainly thinks he has won. He's bullied you into submission by being allowed to stay in the house he agreed to leave. One day, years later, after the next woman gets tired of his shit, he may look back and realize you weren't an evil harpy who ruined everything. He may even call you and see if he can weasel his way back into your life. But until then, he will always have some excuse as to why it's your fault because that mind set has been

BlackRaven posted 11/10/2020 20:40 PM

Gottagetthrough,

So sorry you're having a tough time.

I supported him and his bipolar diagnosis

His affair and behavior have NOTHING to do with you. He has a terrible mental illness which affects his decision making. I'm not defending him, just pointing out that it doesn't matter how wonderful the life you made for him is, something in his mind makes him depressed, unhappy and at times, irrational.

There was a time in 2010 when i told my therapist, i cant cry. I want to cry, i get up early to cry so my kids wont see me.

It sounds like you've been unhappy for a long time. Maybe it's time to think about what you're holding onto, versus what better chance for happiness your future might hold without him.

I have finally found an antidepressant that works, and it's a godsend, so don't give up.

I had tried several over the years and couldn't stand how they made me feel. I even had a Genomind screening done so that we could know which ones would be more likely to work on me. Then, my therapist sent me to a psychiatrist instead of my regular doctor. It costs a fortune for the visit, but it has been so worth it. She just had a much, much larger toolkit and tried me on a mediation that is actually quite old, and not one of the new miracle drugs. I was expecting it would take some time to kick in, but it worked right away, and other than making me tired, I don't have the weird side effects I did with the others.

Good luck.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 8:42 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 11/11/2020 09:13 AM

I think it would be unnatural gor me to be happy with the verbal abuse im taking. I think the prozac has been making me stop the rug sweeping and put me more to 0.

Wh is yelling at me about going to my family’s for the holidays (and my birthday falls in that time too). He says im mean for leaving, im not leaving, etc... its my fault he had a manic episode this summer because i was gone (at my family’s)

Then he says you go and i am leaving you.

I said Ok, leave the keys on the kitchen table.

Then he says im cruel, etc. taking the kids away from him (he never pays attention to them) then... says “Maybe when youre gone ill apologize to OW2”

Geeze. No wonder im depressed. Throw that in my face.

Then he went on about how i dont understand how offices work because ive been a sahm so long, so i dont know that co workers share sex storeis and say they love each other.

Then he added, come upstaires, and lets f***.

(Im sleeping in the guest room)

I said no, we havent had sex for months.

He said thats because i have made the baby (12 mos) so dependent on me that i am never alone without the baby.

Good gravy. No wonder im depressed. THIS is my husband?

EllieKMAS posted 11/11/2020 10:07 AM

I also really want him to know what hes lost and how stupid he is.

At this point, this is like YOU drinking poison and expecting HIM to die from it. He won't ever know how stupid he is because that would mean he was capable of looking at his damn self. Which he is not.

Good gravy. No wonder im depressed. THIS is my husband?

Yeah, that IS your husband. The sooner you really embrace that, the sooner you can move on and heal.

J707 posted 11/11/2020 10:15 AM

I was on Prozac and it didn't do anything, I think it actually made things worse. I contacted my Dr. and we switched to Effexor. It took about 3 weeks to see an improvement. We are all different. One might work for you that wouldn't work for me. But it does take weeks for the meds to balance out. Maybe give it a little more time? Or let your Dr. know.

I'm almost 3 years post Dday. I have never got an admission, apology or anything. Just lies, blameshifting and gaslighting. I just had to accept the fact that I knew what I knew and that she would never, ever, admit anything until the day she dies. I like people to hold themselves accountable for their actions but I also know who she is. So I'll never get anything from her. In time, you'll get to a point where it won't really matter. You know what happened and he won't ever admit it. Ever.