SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellfire,

Why can't it be both?

hikingout, should a WW think that her BH needs his ego stroked after D day. That he would want to see his WW not let herself go but rather her make the effort to go to the gym?

Again here this seems to me that the BH in this particular scenario is basing his worth on what someone else is doing. If he is 'worthy', then ww will be thin.

IMHO

1. Basing your worth on what someone else says or does for you is not a healthy mindset ever, for any reason. YOUR worth should come from YOU.

2. A person who makes changes to themselves, whether physically or otherwise, to benefit someone else's ego or to feel 'worthy' to someone else is not in a healthy mindset.

My wife goes to the gym is fit and does not need to lose weight.

Soooo.... I am just confused as to why this thread was even started then...

I did not marry my wife because she was thin. She was not was

not thin or fat, she was average weight.

I liked the way see looked from the first time I saw her.

Many years later she decided to go to the gym, got toned,

lost a little weight (she was never fat to start) so her OM never

got the improved version.

This thread is not about my past. This thread is about the need

for WW's to provide just compensation to her BH after her

affair.

To refuse to give the BH whatever she did for her OM is WW

giving her BH less effort. A WW providing less effort to her

BH is not providing just compensation to her BH.

Again here this seems to me that the BH in this particular scenario is basing his worth on what someone else is doing. If he is 'worthy', then ww will be thin.

EllieKMAS, take out the word worthy for that seems to be a

big hang up on for you. The BH does not base his worth on

that the WW does for him what she did for her OM.

The BH seeks just compensation. He wants what his WW to do for him what she did for her OM.

Explain how a WW refusing to do so is providing just

compensation?

Ok so from your subsequent posts i have to say it seems to me like what you really want is for your wife to value you the way she valued the AP during the affair . And you see her body as an expression of the value she has for you . When she is heavier you see this as a sign of her being disrespectful to you and assigning a lower value to you , perhaps you see this as a sign of you not being desirable . This seems like a good thing to take to a therapist .

I have to say there is an entire encyclopedia to be written on womens bodies and what they are there for also what they are not there for but i have an even more urgent point to make .

If you want to hate her behavior thats one thing but your hating her body in its natural form or finding her natural weight an affront is genuinely unhealthy for both you and her . Perhaps you need to be clearer on what you really want ? are you trying to rebuild your relationship or are you just trying to get divorced in a hostile and insidious way? Think about what outcome you want and then the strategy will be very clear.

This thread is about the need for WW's to provide just compensation to her BH after her affair.

To refuse to give the BH whatever she did for her OM is WW giving her BH less effort. A WW providing less effort to her BH is not providing just compensation to her BH.

To be clear, I don't disagree that a WS (whether WH or WW) *should* put in effort post-A to help their BS heal. I don't disagree that a BS can ask of their WS for whatever things they feel would help them along on their healing - ie what that 'effort' entails.

I feel like (for ME, as a woman) that "should" line gets crossed when the expectation or demand is that a ww somehow 'owes' her BH her body. I totally get that that is really unfair, so I get it that a BH gets the short end of the stick in this hypothetical. But I never will be able to get on board with the notion that sex or body composition is 'owed' in that way. That is taking bodily agency and autonomy away from a woman and I just do not agree with that in any scenario.

As a woman, I have lost track of the times that people have felt like they somehow had a right to my physical being - whether by comments, physical touching, offering 'advice' etc. It is not something that I think most men have experienced to the same degree and with the same insidiousness as just about every woman I have ever known.

And I still hold to what I said many pages ago - I firmly believe that there really is no 'just compensation' ever for a BS. That scale will just never rebalance, no matter what the WS does. Coming to acceptance of that inherent injustice is a huge part of a BS's healing and ultimately is on the BS (and that is regardless of R or S/D). Sure, the WS can help - they can take accountability, and display empathy, and offer support etc, but they really can't 'heal' their BS.

LOL OP you have mentioned "The topic that must never be mentioned" here.

Cover your head and run for the doorway.

May sweet benevolent jesus have mercy on your soul.

Why can't it be both?

It can be. But I'm not reading a lot of that in many of these posts. Very rarely has pain,heartache, or sadness been mentioned. Predominantly, it's a lot of demanding that OM got it,so I better get it too.

I don't believe a WW gets thin for her AP. I think she does it for herself, so she can get the attention of the OM.

Which was unhealthy. Now it's being demanded that she get thin for the attention of her husband. And somehow that is ok.

The women here do understand what you all are saying. No one has said that the WS shouldn't freely give to their BS what they gave to the AP. What many are taking offense to is the notion that a husband owns his wife's body.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:50 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

oldtruck-I wish as a WW I could answer your questions on why a WW would give certain things to the AP but don’t to her H because I was never like that. So therefore I don’t know why. It’s all good questions. Answers need to come from the wife. I don’t fully understand why either. Why would you not???

Maybe it was not very good. Maybe it tiggers her? I don’t know. I wish I knew why. To me it just sounds like the WW was just willing to lower her standards to try to impress their AP. Which probably don’t make the H very happy about either.

Maybe it was not very good. Maybe it tiggers her? I don’t know. I wish I knew why. To me it just sounds like the WW was just willing to lower her standards to try to impress their AP. Which probably don’t make the H very happy about either.

godheals, I believe you were not trying to be funny though

a WW lowering her standards by going to the gym, lose weight

and get toned.

Everyone should lower their standards.

It seems that people think my wife had a weight problem. She

never had. I am posting about the concept of a WW

providing just compensation. How can a WW deny giving her

BH what she gave her OM. And justify denying her BH.

As to be fit and toned everyone should try to do so. Improves

health, allows to perform recreational activities better.

Prevents bone loss, stronger bones, retain abilities in our

retirement years, and provides our spouses with a more

attractive partner.

Oh reduces risk of diabetes in old age and may avoid having

to take medicine to control it.

I guess my question is what is the difference between a ww 'getting fit' to make an om happy/get kibbles and a ww 'getting fit' to make her BH happy/prove something? Neither of those represents a woman with a particularly healthy mindset imho.

I do not belive that keeping onself fit and looking good for your spouses viewing and physical pleasure is unhealthy.

My spouse has beautiful curves. And she will dress for me when we go out, because I like the view. And for her "ego kibbles.

I, on the other hand am "required" to be fit. Because thats the wayshe likes it.

Another double standard...Sex on demand in a marriage is a requirement. FOR THE WIFE.

I dont think any man needs an explanation for that. Does she "own" my body?. Of course she does. Example: The game is on. Kansas City vrs Baltimore. A text comes thru from upstairs. Does a man 1) Ignore the text. 2) reply "I will see you at halftime" honey

or 3) Put it on record.

Such nonsense.

One thing I learned about my spouse. Its ok to love a feminist, as long as she is not a feminist when (volunarily) naked.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:45 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

If you feel that strongly about your AP and your rights to do whatever you want with him and not your husband...stay with the AP.

[This message edited by 66charger at 10:17 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

stay with the AP.

Or ditch the wife?

It's ok to say that the R does not make you feel loved. And walk away.

Not even sure how this is a 10-page thread.

Eta: you can't control anyone else, only yourself. Why start a thread with that goal? Just sayin'. If you ask and nothing changes, the ball is now in your court. Not hers.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:59 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

What "rights" does an OM have for whispering sweet nothings, that a hard working husband not have?.

If you can give any man who poat here a straight answer, then these threads will stop.

I am posting about the concept of a WW

providing just compensation. How can a WW deny giving her

BH what she gave her OM. And justify denying her BH.

What if, the WW started doing hard drugs with the OM, and is now clean.

Is she obligated to shoot heroin with her BH now?

And don't say it's apples to oranges---it is EXACTLY on point. Does the BH have the RIGHT to make her use again? Because isn't this what we are talking about? Just recompense for what the WW did when she was at her worst mentally? Or is it what someone else is entitled to?

I guess my question is what is the difference between a ww 'getting fit' to make an om happy/get kibbles and a ww 'getting fit' to make her BH happy/prove something? Neither of those represents a woman with a particularly healthy mindset imho.

How is this different, and I have read this countless times that

women put in effort to look good in front of other women.

How is showing off healthy?

What if, the WW started doing hard drugs with the OM, and is now clean.

Is she obligated to shoot heroin with her BH now?

And don't say it's apples to oranges---it is EXACTLY on point. Does the BH have the RIGHT to make her use again? Because isn't this what we are talking about? Just recompense for what the WW did when she was at her worst mentally? Or is it what someone else is entitled to?

You are correct this is not apples to oranges.

It is not even an apple to a rock.

Wanting a WW to do drugs because she did them with the

OM is asking a WW to do something that is unhealthy.

Wanting a WW to go to the gym, eat healthy, lose weight,

get toned is no way the same as asking WW to do drugs.

What "rights" does an OM have for whispering sweet nothings, that a hard working husband not have?.

If you can give any man who poat here a straight answer, then these threads will stop.

None. None whatsoever. That is the whole point of this web site.

What I’m saying is that if you are a person who requires “fair compensation” for every wrong done to you, then reconciliation is not for you. You will never be fairly compensated for the betrayal and you will spend the rest of your life in this revolving door of expectations leading to resentments.

What I’m saying is that if you are a person who requires “fair compensation” for every wrong done to you, then reconciliation is not for you. You will never be fairly compensated for the betrayal and you will spend the rest of your life in this revolving door of expectations leading to resentments.

Thank you HFSSC! I was trying to figure out how to say this. Compensation is used mostly for monetary means and turns R into a transaction which will never be satisfied because theres just nothing "fair" in infidelity.