SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

However this has no connection to a WW that would hit the gym tone up lose weight for her OM though this WW refuses to do this for her BH during recovery.

You're assuming a rational thought process here that you can't assume without real communication with the wayward involved. Waywardness in itself is irrational.

Yes it could be that the wayward loved the idea of the fantasy OM more. That he was worth the effort and the BS is not. It obviously the case in at least one of the BS in this thread as it seems his WW is not remorseful.

It could be that the wayward started to the gym and diet for more personal reasons and the new affirmations from that work and combined with the WS's brokenness led to the A. In this case the wayward would be associating the positive effect of the gym work with the A and those negative connotations. That the process of making themselves more attractive lead to the A; therefore, letting themselves go is more conducive to being faithful to the M.

Waywards in an A are selfish. That makes redirecting time and energy away from other more important chores to continue the gym work easy. Do you want a selfish wayward or one invested in repairing the M?

This right here is the root of the problem!

Basing ANY self worth on the actions or in action of another person. As long as you base any worth on what she does or doesn't do then you will remain stuck wanting something that will never satisfy you.

The BH feels he is worth more than the OM. Being he is

worth more he should be treated as good if not better than the

WW treated the OM.

The WW went to the gym, ate healthy, got toned, lost weight,

looked great for the OM. WW freely gave all of this to the OM.

The BH is not wrong for wanting this from his WW after

D day as part of their recovery.

The WW getting toned again will not undo her affair. It

will not bring back the time WW spent on her OM. The

money she spent on the OM.

A WW can go NC, shut all social media and apps used to

conduct her PA, leave the job if OM was a co-worker, answer

all of her BH's questions, rebuild the broken trust, put

boundaries in place to affair proof the marriage.

A WW cannot pick and choose she must do all of these

things to recover her marriage.

The WW cannot un fuck her OM though she can make

herself look as hot for her BH as she made herself look for

her OM. The BH is not asking for the WW to do the

impossible and look better than she did for her OM just

look as good for her BH.

How does the WW justify and expect her BH that he has to

accept she will be 10 to 20 lbs heavier then she was for her

OM?

How does the WW justify and expect her BH that he has to

accept that she gets into bed will her BH that he does not

get a wife with a body that is not as toned as it was for her

OM?

The BH is not asking for more than what the WW gave to her

OM the BH is asking for his WW to give him as good as

WW gave to her OM.

This level of effort for the OM shows

authentically that the WW values her BH less, believes her

BH will not leave her, that he will complain but she will be

able to control her BH and get him to settle for less and

stayed married to her because he will have to much to lose

if her was to divorce her.

That sounds like a boatload of assumptions.

This right here is the root of the problem!

Basing ANY self worth on the actions or in action of another person. As long as you base any worth on what she does or doesn't do then you will remain stuck wanting something that will never satisfy you.

So true

But also so hard to internalize and live.

The BH feels he is worth more than the OM. Being he is

worth more he should be treated as good if not better than the

WW treated the OM.

The issue with this thinking is that the BH is basing HIS worth on what someone else does or doesn't do.

A BH has worth ALL ON HIS OWN, regardless of what his ww does or does not do.

Just because someone says something mean to me or does something mean to me doesn't make me worthless. Just because my xwh cheated on me and we divorced doesn't make me worthless. I don't value myself based on other's perceptions of me or actions towards me. I mean, it's nice and all when someone shows that they value me, but it isn't necessary for me to feel like I have value.

Waywards in an A are selfish. That makes redirecting time and energy away from other more important chores to continue the gym work easy. Do you want a selfish wayward or one invested in repairing the M?

grubs, this assumes that a WW cannot do both. She cannot

hit the gym and work on recovery.

Even though I am addressing the WW BH position I believe

the same if it was a WH BW in recovery.

The WS wooed the AP now the WS should woo their BS.

Even though the BS got hurt after D day they have to work

on on being receptive to the WS efforts and make effort to

reconnect from their side of the road.

This might get me in trouble... but...

My general comment is that warning from SI Staff is pretty cool looking!

(I've not actually read any of this thread, fyi)

How does the WW justify and expect her BH that he has to

accept she will be 10 to 20 lbs heavier then she was for her

OM?

How does the WW justify and expect her BH that he has to

accept that she gets into bed will her BH that he does not

get a wife with a body that is not as toned as it was for her

OM?

OldTruck,

I feel like I answered these questions in my last post. Maybe not?

And, out of curiousity, is there something like this not rectified in your own situation?

I personally do not think most people do things like this because or for other people. Affairs are ego fests, and most all the effort I ever put into mine was really to get my ego fed. It wasn't really about the OM at all, it was all about ME.

I tend to think back to times in my life when I was more overweight and I know that struggle was with myself. My efforts to get thinner were always paths of misery. I think until you find a place in your life when you realize noone is going to save you, you must learn to make yourself happy, and taking care of your health is part of the self care needed to support this, no progress will be made. The times I got skinnier to be skinnier never lasted.

The WS wooed the AP now the WS should woo their BS.

Even though the BS got hurt after D day they have to work on on being receptive to the WS efforts and make effort to reconnect from their side of the road.

WS should be working to reconnect, but they decide what that in what ways that's healthy for them. The effort should be there. If the BS is not happy with what that looks like they should communicate that to the WS. It may be that this is irreconcilable between the two and in that case each has to decide if they remain in the M.

I am very late in the game here but I wanted to ask...

Do you want your wife to loose the weight because you want her to be healthy and happy feeling good about herself or is this something more the AP got this therefore so do I? I think there is a big difference between the two.

I also want to point out that your wife loose the weight and was trying to look good for all the wrong reasons. What she was doing for her AP was unhealthy and not the right way to go about it. Us WW here are taught the things we were during our A are unhealthy and we are doing them for the wrong reasons.

Would you believe her if she come to you and said I am going to look fine as hell for you or would this be some sort of trigger or a thought in the back of your mind if she was really doing it for you? Or would you believe her 100 percent?

Would you be ok with her acting the same way during her A? Would that be acceptable to you?

The reason I am asking is because most BS don’t want their WS acting the same way as they were during their A. To me it seem like it would trigger them or maybe think something is up.

I know the whole sex act is a big thing for a BH But my questions are is that does the BH want the same sex acts because that is something you want to enjoy with your wife and want to feel and know that experience together or is it just as easy as that’s what the AP got therefore so do I? Are they looking to reconnect with wife and take back the bedroom or it’s just he got now I do.

Do you want your wife to loose the weight because you want her to be healthy and happy feeling good about herself or is this something more the AP got this therefore so do I?

Question not for me, but I'll answer anyway.

My wife has piled on the kilos since. It absolutely interferes with health and activities. Couples-wise, she now gets left behind on things like biking, hiking, skiing, etc. We were both super active. Now one of us is.

It is also a verboten topic. But the pandemic gave me a chance to bring it up, suggesting that with a few more LBs she could qualify for the 30% BMI vaccine access.

Here's the one thing that may randomly pop into my mind, and it's sad and pathetic, I know. It's the idea that the AP would see her now and say, "Whew, dodged that bullet."

Substitute weight for attention. My H claims we were disconnected. No HE was.

I resent he was available and witty and charming for the OW and not me. Substitute the weight/appearance issue in this thread for attention.

Point is our cheating spouses become someone they are not with their spouse.

That sounds like a boatload of assumptions.

If you have read infidelity threads for decades then you would

have seen those assumptions have come true many times.

I personally do not think most people do things like this because or for other people. Affairs are ego fests, and most all the effort I ever put into mine was really to get my ego fed. It wasn't really about the OM at all, it was all about ME.

hikingout, should a WW think that her BH needs his ego

stroked after D day. That he would want to see his WW not

let herself go but rather her make the effort to go to the gym?

Women are not objects that should get their worth from being hot, nor should we broken down into body parts to be judged and evaluated.

The point of this site is to be healthy and safe mentally and emotionally. The original post is disgusting and immature.

I know the whole sex act is a big thing for a BH But my questions are is that does the BH want the same sex acts because that is something you want to enjoy with your wife and want to feel and know that experience together or is it just as easy as that’s what the AP got therefore so do I? Are they looking to reconnect with wife and take back the bedroom or it’s just he got now I do.

godheals, there have many BH's that have posted on wanting

the sex acts that their WW gave their OM.

This want was not exactly recreate the sex WW had with the

OM. These were BH that married a WW that feed the BH's

sexual needs from a very limited sexual menu. WW's saying

that I do not like doing those things we are not doing them.

The BH accepted that. However after D day the BH finds

out his WW fed the OM from the full sex menu. Now the

BH wants all the things his WW would never do for him

before D day.

How does the WW expect the BH to not be fed from the full

sex menu?

Whether sex, appearance, dress, it is normal for the BH to

want just compensation. The WW cannot undo her PA.

Is a WW that stops having sex with her OM even the score

with her BH?

Is that enough for a WW to provide just compensation?

My wife goes to the gym is fit and does not need to lose

weight.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 1:48 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

Women are not objects that should get their worth from being hot, nor should we broken down into body parts to be judged and evaluated.

The point of this site is to be healthy and safe mentally and emotionally. The original post is disgusting and immature

TRUTH.

Question..

Do you want her thin,because that's what he got? Or do you want her thin because you love her?

Because those are two different things.