SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My sincerest apologies if I am coming off too "dog-like".

Some people just do not know how to accept complements.

hikingitout, the score can never be evened out. Though

providing just compensation is like using a spoon of sugar

to help the medicine go down.

It is doing, giving the BS what they need to feel that the WS

is providing amends to make up for their affair.

There's a specific profession that deals with sex as a commodity. Has very accurate rates regarding just compensation for payment.

As to why you would think that's a relationship or a marriage - a good therapist would probably be able to help.

Apparition, I can see that list being relevant 75 years ago when women largely needed a husband. But that list is not true for a lot of women today. Some shallow gold-diggy types, sure I'll grant you that. For most of the women that I know, attraction matters but not nearly as much as a LOT of other things.

And if that's 'what women go for' for 'security' then how come there's so darn many of us BW's around?

But honestly if the kinds of women that use that shite list are the only ones you know, then you need to branch out more imho.

I don't need to branch out and my opinions are not based on ignorance. I don't appreciate the gloved insult. I don't have an ideological grind and I certainly don't have a personal one against anyone here.

The evidence is out there, women still prefer men who earn more, women still prefer taller men, women are still competitive amongst one another, etc. The 1st list seems to be taken by some as an insult, as if women wanting a hot man, good in bed, whose respected and financially accomplished somehow makes women look bad? OR that somehow this isn't actually how women mate select. The 2nd list is secondary attributes, the 1st is how most women mate select. Together, perhaps they make the modern woman, I'd have to see some evidence that the 2nd list actually makes it into very many initial mate evaluations.

All of us are influenced by others. We do not have free will. I wish we did. If you get on some of these new streaming channels and look at old TVs stories you will see what started influencing us way back when. Before we were born it was already happening to people. Watching a simple premise like Leave it to Beaver. What could possibly be wrong with that? His mother wore a dress every day. Ozzie and Harriet had the perfect family and we know for a fact that was not true. All of a sudden our parents and grandparents were looking at people who were perfect. You can’t tell me that did not influence the way they felt about themselves. Right now we have 20 years old billionaires because they had plastic surgery and get online every day.

I’ve mentioned this before. There were no fat people in the school when I was a kid. Now everywhere I go that’s what I see regardless of age and I include myself in this. I just can’t believe we don’t look at the subliminal suggestions that are out there in our grocery stores. Look at what’s at the checkout line. I know for a fact when I put on weight my blood pressure went up. Doctors have been asking us for years to thin down because they know that diseases arebrampant the heavier we get. I don’t know a single elderly person who’s fat. That’s what scares me because I’m headed into that age group and I want to live a long healthy life.

The evidence is out there, women still prefer men who earn more, women still prefer taller men, women are still competitive amongst one another, etc. The 1st list seems to be taken by some as an insult, as if women wanting a hot man, good in bed, whose respected and financially accomplished somehow makes women look bad? OR that somehow this isn't actually how women mate select. The 2nd list is secondary attributes, the 1st is how most women mate select. Together, perhaps they make the modern woman, I'd have to see some evidence that the 2nd list actually makes it into very many initial mate evaluations.

What evidence, site your sources please. Otherwise its just a blatant generalization.

I did not select my spouse based on any of that first list.

In fact i had dated a man before wh who was well off, had his own successful business, house, fancy car, well known and respected, and was asking me to move in with him. He wasnt what most would call hot. Geeky looking but attractive yes. He was also a reptile enthusiast so that was checked on MY list.

He would have provided very well had that been what i wanted.

It. Was. Not...

I wanted that feeling inside that said i could spend the rest of my life with this man. That deep down "THIS IS THE ONE" feeling. It just wasn't there and all the other stuff didn't matter.

Wealth, status, power, appearances etc can all be gone in the blink of an eye.

It is doing, giving the BS what they need to feel that the WS

is providing amends to make up for their affair.

I don’t think one person is arguing against that premise at all. I think that is true. It’s some of the made up scenarios and ways that it gets expressed that get people on their haunches.

Let’s use the original premise. So let’s say in my manic state of being in an affair I lose ten pounds. I honestly think that part happens a lot.

Then my h assumes it was because I wanted to look good for my AP. Natural assumption. In my experience an affair is far more self adulation. I am doing artificial things that get me more ego kibbles rather than really having any respect or concern for the AP.

I would tell you that is 100 percent true - and probably is most of the time because I don’t think you can ever have genuine respect or concern for someone who you are helping destroy their life. I only cared about myself and what I wanted. I cared about winning, and I cared about having him as an audience to clap for how special I was.

So fast forward, the affair ends and my 10 pounds creep back on until it’s actually 15. Not enough time has even elapsed for me to recognize all the ways I have been wrong. My husband turns to me and says “I need you to lose that 15 pounds because I need you to want to look good for me too. I hurts me that you aren’t putting in that effort”

Logically I can understand what he is telling me but what am I really thinking? I am panicking that I need to do this to keep my marriage. So when I oblige him on this it’s not an active way of showing him my love, it’s a fear based response. So you may get the results you want from the ws - but the intention behind it isn’t there. Not for you, and it wasn’t for the AP.

It’s also not sustainable because likely I have always struggled with those 15 pounds and regardless of intention habits like that are hard for a lot of people. So now I am sitting with the message that I was right all along I wasn’t enough for him the way I was.

The marriage progresses, and either I likely put back on the weight and secretly continue to feel unaccepted and unsexy to my husband. It will erode my confidence and it will effect our sex life. Women often need emotional tending for sex to flow but I am going to feel like our relationship is shallow.

All this because my h interpreted that I lost weight for the other man.

This is why really my weight and fitness really should be about me. If I develop healthy habits out of respect for myself that is where the rubber meets the road. This is where I have learned to have a better relationship with myself. This is the type of person you really want to be married to - someone who has a good relationship with themselves. Someone who learns to love themselves will love others better too. They will have confidence over their own boundaries and not need so much outside validation. You can build something with that person.

And even if they became that person and they kept 15 extra pounds you ARE getting something far better than the AP got.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:44 AM, February 27th (Saturday)]

I love when a man tries to tell a group of women what women want. That they know better than us.

I love when a man tries to tell a group of women what women want. That they know better than us.

I love when women insult men as aggressive bullies framing the opinion a man utters as "telling women what they want". Why discuss the ideas when you can simply insult, gaslight, and strawman the opinion a man is making?

oldtruck,

This question has been asked multiple times and you tend to dodge around answering it directly:

What did you expect to get out of a post that is titled “Issue of Weight” and the original post is about what you find as attractive? Particularly when you state that this is not a problem in your marriage.

You push the idea of just compensation, then agree there is nothing that will compensate for the wayward going outside of the marriage.

What insight are you hoping to gain on a problem that you say doesn’t exist in your marriage? Or is this post simply for the sake of stirring up controversy?

I am interested in a sincere answer.

Forgetabledad, Just compensation is not limited to only sex

and weight.

Your solution to seeking out professionals for sex goes past

the healthy boundaries for a marriage.

What evidence, site your sources please. Otherwise its just a blatant generalization.

Rather than the 2nd list of generalizations? Of course they are all generalizations, when one is discussing groups you have generalized and common behaviors that are witnessed and studies. Mileage may vary on what people witness and what information they are exposed. Clearly you have the information you're exposed and your own experiences that color your opinions.

Generalizations can be good, they help us operate in a complex world. Sometimes oversimplifying and generalizing can be bad, as when it limits free will options. The latter is not occurring here at all, you live in a society that women can select on whatever merits each woman chooses.

I love when women insult men as aggressive bullies framing the opinion a man utters as "telling women what they want". Why discuss the ideas when you can simply insult, gaslight, and strawman the opinion a man is making?

You never said it was YOUR opinion.

You said:

The evidence is out there, women still prefer men who earn more, women still prefer taller men, women are still competitive amongst one another, etc

If you had said "in my opinion" or "in my experience" thats one thing but you did not...

You said "woman still prefer men who..."

As in ALL woman.

And we are telling you...not ALL woman select a mate this way...

Edited to fix word

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 8:55 AM, February 27th (Saturday)]

hiking, it's often hard for me to read your posts. Most of what you post echoes what my WW has said, I've heard her say word for word what you have written here and in other posts. It can be oftentimes unnerving.

That said, your assessment of my situation is pretty damn spot on. I'll reply more later, I need to digest what's been said, but thanks for your post.

And even if they became that person and they kept 15 extra pounds you ARE getting something far better than the AP got.

Sex is a emotional and visual connection.

Sex is very visual for me. So with everything else being equal

I would love to see a partner that had a flat stomach with some

muscle definition (aka six pack) then her having a 151b mini

keg.

Depending on the whole picture that 15lbs would make a

difference. However after WW went to the gym and lost that

15lbs for her OM. Then after D day she put the 15lbs back on

then refuse to lose that 15lbs for me that would be hard to

accept.

The WW bulldozed the playing field and now wants her BH

to go back to the old way of playing the game is not fair.

The WW gave her OM her A game with her effort,

enthusiasm, physical appearance, physical availability.

The WW bulldozed the playing field and now wants her BH

to go back to the old way of playing the game is not fair.

No its not fair. It is however a part of the shit sandwich us BS get handed. Whether or not you heal from that is up to you. Nothing the ws does can or will do that foe you.

If that 15lbs is so important to you that it blinds you from everything else the ws is doing then R isn't possible.

I don't need to branch out and my opinions are not based on ignorance. I don't appreciate the gloved insult. I don't have an ideological grind and I certainly don't have a personal one against anyone here.

I do apologize if you were insulted because it certainly was not my intention.

I just feel very sad for you that this is how you view "women". Being one and knowing plenty, I think that list is utterly ridiculous and not representative of ALL women. Not even MOST women. Some? Sure. There's some really shallow gals out there that might adhere to it. And if every woman you know personally adheres to that list, then it it still my opinion that you need to get to know some different ones who aren't gold-digging and shallow.

Also, that list is YOUR opinion. If it's "fact" then show me what peer-reviewed source you got it from. I don't appreciate insults either and to put forth that list as fact is frankly insulting.

I am interested in a sincere answer.

Woes, so glad I wasn't the only one waiting on this answer. Thank you!

This question has been asked multiple times and you tend to dodge around answering it directly:

What did you expect to get out of a post that is titled “Issue of Weight” and the original post is about what you find as attractive? Particularly when you state that this is not a problem in your marriage.

You push the idea of just compensation, then agree there is nothing that will compensate for the wayward going outside of the marriage.

What insight are you hoping to gain on a problem that you say doesn’t exist in your marriage? Or is this post simply for the sake of stirring up controversy?

I am interested in a sincere answer.

I do not know if you read the post I addressed to hikingitout.

I copy an early post then re-wrote realizing how I was not

clear.

I have stated many times since the 1st post that this is just

not about weight but using how weight can be the topic to

discuss just compensation.

Affair sex cannot be undone. There is no way to make up for

that sex, A RA does not make up for that sex. Both spouses

have an affair of equal duration and sex acts does not

cancel out that affair sex. Two negatives never make a

positive.

Though the WW can make amends which is to do things to

enable their BH accept the PA happened and get past it.

Just Compensation are the things that the needs or wants to

heal.

Just compensation is not just stopping her PA and go NC with

her OM.

For me I needed to have my questions answered. The trickle

truthing has left damage for over 40 years. All I get is that

was such a long time ago, I cannot remember. Just recently

I got another tidbit of info that causes new issues.

Because a WW will not do something does not make it wrong for a BH to want it.

Oldtruck, I have said repeatedly in my responses on this thread that a BS has a right to ask for whatever they need or want for R. I don't disagree.

I would pull all my quote examples over but I'm on my phone right now so that's tricky.

The sticky point for me is the notion of 'owing' specifically as it pertains to a person's (esp women) bodily autonomy. Women are constantly objectified at a societal level, and I don't speak in generalizations because EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I KNOW HAS EXPERIENCED IT at one time or another. The thought of a husband objectifying his wife in such a fashion just doesn't sit well.

Note I'm not saying that objectification never happens to men because I know it does, but IME it is nowhere near as prevalent as it is for women.

What evidence, site your sources please. Otherwise its just a blatant generalization.

I did not select my spouse based on any of that first list.

In fact i had dated a man before wh who was well off, had his own successful business, house, fancy car, well known and respected, and was asking me to move in with him. He wasnt what most would call hot. Geeky looking but attractive yes. He was also a reptile enthusiast so that was checked on MY list.

He would have provided very well had that been what i wanted.

It. Was. Not...

I wanted that feeling inside that said i could spend the rest of my life with this man. That deep down "THIS IS THE ONE" feeling. It just wasn't there and all the other stuff didn't matter.

Wealth, status, power, appearances etc can all be gone in the blink of an eye.

Because you walked away from a man with money means

nothing.

You want sources cited. I have read countless posts, articles,

real life, where women refuse to date men because of their

job, income, height.

Women that married young. Husband makes $50,000 yr.

WW becomes successful 5 yrs later is making $250,00 yr

she divorces her BH for her boss/OM that makes even more.

Women say those thins do not matter because they want to

avoid public perception of a gold digging shallow person.

Their actions speak different.