SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:26 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

Please call OM's wife and fill her in on what is going on. She deserves to know.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's tough and it can seem like it's never going to end.

Please get a hold of his wife with proof of the calls and get a second pair of eyeballs on them.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Once you turn the klieg lights on their affair and on them in particular, they will see each other differently.

A guy (could be a wife) tossing all pretense of pride, groveling to his wife (could be a husband) for forgiveness doesn't make for good sexual fantasy.

Those oh so clever lies they told each other (and to you) begin to look contemptible when other people start judging and whispering.

I beg you to nip this thing in the bud and start getting some relief.

I'm very sorry you are here. Going through something like this sucks. It's a horrible feeling. Your in good company here. We understand what you are going through.

Be sure to take care of yourself and focus on you. Be sure to eat, drink, and sleep. You have to remain healthy. This is a very real trauma that hits hard. Talk to family and friends if you can...you need support right now. See a counselor if you can. See your primary care doctor and tell him/her what you are going through. They can prescribe something for sleep, anxiety, and/or depression. Please, get support. Post here as often as you need.

I would notify the other spouse. It's like witnessing a crime and not calling the police. Almost everyone here will tell you to notify the other spouse. You should notify her immediately. Maybe do it anonymously if you can, but you really should do it.

She would take her phone everywhere with her...always on silent...hiding her screen.

My WW would do this. It's maddening. Her right to privacy does not outweigh your right to an open, honest marriage that is safe. You have none if these right now.

She chalked it up as me being insecure.

That's a form of gaslighting. It's not her that is the problem, it's you. See how wrong that sounds? Don't battle with yourself anymore. It's not you, it's her.

She used this as reasoning as to why she was leaving...

I always love this reasoning. My WW did the same thing. The marriage is ending because you looked at her phone and not because she betrayed you in the worst possible way. In what world does that make sense?

She of course became defensive and said I was harassing her and that my attitude makes her want to go find a boyfriend.

Look up DARVO. I think she's doing this to you. Don't let her do this. You're going to end up in a rabbit hole. Stay focused. "You are cheating on me and it stops now." Don't let her distract like this.

Don't make any major decisions yet, but start thinking about what you want. So far you have a spouse with no remorse and no sign of wanting to stay in the marriage. You may want to see an attorney to get some advice and to get a plan in place.

Read as much as you can here. See "the healing library" on this page.

I wish you the best. Hang in there, you'll get through this.

Two weeks ago my wife left to stay at her mother's house. This was supposed to be a 'break' since we'd been fighting more frequently and a chance for her to clear her head.

Ltsstuck

A major contribution to your fighting is your wife’s need to rationalize her affair. She will latch on to anything she can make negative about you and blow it out of proportion. That way she will feel justified about her affair. So don’t take all the blame.

Really think about your evidence before you confront her. It will feel good to spill your guts and tell all you know but that only helps her. She can make up the best story that fits your evidence.

Don’t give away your sources and hold stuff back. For example if you found two hotel receipts tell her you found one. She might swear that she only went to the hotel once.

I think your wife feels that her affair is justified. I’m telling you right now that if you prove she had a affair she will lie about the date it started and blame you for driving her to it with your crazy suspicions. You will be the bad guy.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:09 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

I’m sorry for you and your child. You both deserve better than this.

I believe you should tell the OM’s wife as she deserves to know. However you need a plan for that.

Odds are the OM will immediately end the affair when his wife finds out. Your social life will be forever impacted. Your wife has to accept the consequences.

Your wife most likely will come running back looking to reconcile. Not b/c it was her first choice or her own idea but b/c you are her back-up plan or Plan B. She’s been dumped by the OM - who is going to support her? Riiighttt - her “waiting in the wings” H.

You need to know what you want to do under those circumstances. Just be prepared for it. It is typical cheater behavior.

I know what I’m talking about and I e been down this road. If you make it too easy for her to return home and reconcile then the odds are she may cheat again. (Mine did just that).

However I did not make it easy to reconcile after his last affair. And that’s when he dug deep, did the work and made amends. And he continues to make amends every day since then and its 7 years.

Also google or read up on the 180. It is done to protect you. She’s effectively killed your marriage in some ways. You may need to stop being her H and start protecting yourself.

Like don’t answer her texts unless it’s about kids or bills.

Don’t tell her what you are thinking.

Cancel joint credit cards so she cannot run up any bills on you.

Don’t cook meals for her or invite her to have meals with you. If she is with your kid - you leave the room. Don’t engage.

She left the house. Don’t give her free reign to just come whenever. Change security passwords if necessary.

In fact change every password you have/had. For your own protection.

If you are separated (and you are) get a custody agreement in place. Right now she can take children anywhere — even go visit the OM (it has been done) w/ kids. She can leave the state and you have limited rights. Get something in writing ASAP

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:59 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Problem is, when this comes out she is in much more trouble that ruining our relationship. She hangs around a large group of friends whom are family of the the wife of the guy she was cheating with. I want to expose them to the wife, I just don't want to become a part of that conflict

You tell the OBS and you go silent for a week. Let your wife deal with her mess

I’m so sorry you are going through this. She is deep in the fog and is blaming you. Expose this far and wide and let her figure it out. I’m sorry your Son has to go through this but it is 100% her fault!!!

Now be prepared when the shit hits the fan over at AP’s house. She will be left out in cold. She will try to come crawling back, take this very slow and let her feel the weight of this shit.

Best Wishes to you

My wife cheated, she was my best friend

I, at one point, thought my then-wife was my “best friend”.

Truth is, she never was.

She simply acted how she thought she needed to act in front of me so I would view her as ideal and would praise her as such.

It’s an all too common facade that narcissistic sociopaths put on and can maintain for many years.

Or, as long as she was getting value and validation from you.

Once they no longer feel that you are a source of that validation then they begin the process of devaluing you.

When they have found another source of validation, via an “affair” and betrayal, then they will go beyond devaluing you and into the realm of dehumanizing and vilifying you so as to create inward “justification” for doing what they very well know is a despicable betrayal and very damaging to many people.

One thing you must really pound in to your heart, mind, and soul is the truth that what she is doing and her reasons for doing it have NOTHING to do with you or your marriage.

Her reasons for her betrayal and irrational behavior exist ONLY within her and those reasons and her ability to rationalize it all have existed within her long, long before you ever met her.

I went through a situation very similar to what you have described so far.

I would suggest consulting with a lawyer to know your rights in the event of a divorce, protect your finances as well as you can, document everything you have discovered regarding her extramarital behavior, and then notify the wife.

Your wife is not your friend and, unfortunately, right now is your enemy because what she is doing is obviously hurting the very people she once claimed to care for the most.

Be prepared to see a level of selfishness and irrationality you have never conceived humanly possible.

But, it is critical that you remain calm as possible and secure with the truth that none of this horrifyingly irrational and selfish bullshit she is doing has NOTHING to do with you.

ETA:

She has been blaming you for her behavior.

When her affair has been exposed be prepared to be blamed for everything.

It is extremely critical that you immediately and emphatically flat out shut down any of her blaming you.

When it begins, just tell her “Absolutely NONE of this has ANYTHING to do with me. Period. I will NOT discuss or debate that whatsoever. If you feel like debating it, then do so while in front of a mirror.”

Then walk away.

DO NOT accept blame for even an instant.

For if you do, even just a little, you will simply embolden her and the irrational bullshit will increase exponentially.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 5:33 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Sorry for you. You will find here valuable advice.

Expose her to the OBS, her mother (and family). This will take her from the land of romance and set foot in the real world.

Do hard 180, stay strong, don't "pick me dance" definitely. Don't make an attempt for R even if you want it. Wait and see if she is worth it. If this is dealbreaker for you then file for D.

It's one thing to cheat, it's a whole other ball game to gaslight and play with your sanity. You will be given much good advice here by others on what you should do. You should do the following immediately: Find a lawyer who specializes in family law in order to assess your options. Notify the AP's wife.

Your wife already has one foot out the door. It sounds like she is not coming back soon. I would file for divorce immediately. Whether she comes to her senses and sincerely wishes to work on the marriage at some future point is anyone's guess. The question is whether you want to take her back. Be prepared to deal with that eventuality. I, personally, would go full nuclear on her. The affair, itself, is disgusting. To fuck with your mind raises the crime to an unforgivable level of treachery. You must be proactive. Do not sit back and wait for a miracle to take place. It's not going to happen. She is no longer your partner or friend. She is a threat to your future well-being. Treat her that way. I feel true empathy for you and your child. I experienced the same crap many years ago. These people are vipers in my mind. Treat them that way.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:49 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Its crushing everytime I read one of these JFO posts. It's like groundhog day for all of is who have been through this. I wish there was an exit door, like the ones in the funhouse, where you can just walk out and get into the fresh air. But there isn't. And even if there was, looking back years from now, you would not gave wanted to take it.

You are at the beginning of a process, a journey of 7nimaginable frustration and pain. You will get through it. All of us here will walk with you. What we say will differ, even be contradictory, but it is all intended to help.

Here is my advice. And believe me, I've been in the shit, very close to ending things, and for what? A skanky ass cheater who did not deserve even a fraction of the regard I had for her.

I want you to picture yourself five years from now, strong, confident, and very much a better version of yourself than you are now. You have found that inner man that you had lost years ago, the one that marriage disassembled piece by piece. The one you sacrificed in service to your family. Then I want that man to look at you now, hitting, betrayed, and uncertain. Now, what advice would he give you? Live your life with the new you in mind.

.

Blow up her world.

Talk to a divorce attorney (or three) this week and have divorce papers drawn up.

Simply tell her that you know she is cheating and then hand her the papers. Then tell the OM's wife WITHOUT WARNING, and then proceed to tell the rest of your family and innermost circle of friends.

Shock and awe. This is the surest way to at least end the affair. Whether or not she is worthy of R is entirely up to you. But your number one priority at this time is to end the affair.

You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. I know this goes against your instinct. But this will show her that you mean business and will no longer be a doormat. It's your way or the highway. That sounds cheesy. But what drives most cheaters, is that that have lost respect for their BS's (Betrayed Spouses).

Just know this has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault. She is a broken human. She has a deep character flaw. Nothing you did caused her to cheat. Marital problems are shared 50/50. But cheating is 100% on the cheater.

For now, lay low and get your ducks in a row. Don't tip your hand that you know and keep your evidence backed up and saved in a safe place.

It's very easy in hindsight to recommend shock and awe. It's very hard to implement in practice. At the very least five your inner strength to do what you know is right.

Gather your evidence, tell the other betrayed spouse, confront your wife. I never gave my wife divorce papers but until I asked for a divorce in writing I was basically spinning my wheels.

There is no easy path. So take the one that is right for you.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:29 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Lots of great advice to shift through. Try not to let it overwhelm you. You may feel a need to take this in for a bit before making any move. That's okay. You can wait to tell other husband but definitely need to at some point.

You keeping how you found out silent is a GREAT move. Never let her know how you know. Not even down the road. If you R you will need this in your option list.

Also, remember, the 'arguments' are most certainly her gaslighting over the affair. Cruel.

Just my viewpoint - as a woman, the women who cheat and leave the home leaving young children for any amount of time are usually not good reconciliation candidates I am so sorry to say. It shows she is that 'cheater' type that even if she backs out of this one, there will be another down the road. It may be sexist but these women are missing something deep down that can't be taught in the mother/child bonding. If this is missing, the wife/husband bonding most likely has not even happened on her end. It literally is not in her DNA.

The damage she is doing to your son needs to be carefully navigated. THE WORSE thing, in my humble opinion, is when the cheating spouse (male or female), returns home, then leaves again. It is a rollercoaster that leaves a mark far worse than a clean separation. She needs to prove, over several months time, that she is worthy of taking this risk before she is allowed to return to the home. Explain this to her if needed. It is to protect your son.

I am so sorry she has done this to you and your son. She is cheating on him as much as you and that makes me angry. She is not a good person doing this to him so it is up to you to be the rock not matter what way this goes. She is not the mother you hoped. She may end up okay, pretty good, son is fine with her etc. but she has shown she is not all there as a mother. The good news is with one solid parent they can get through it and thrive. (better than wishy washy years of in home cheater dysfunction. It is not healthy for you as a father or he as a son to live with).

I hope she has an epiphany and proves to you beyond the shadow of a doubt she is a revived new person, from afar for the safety of your son, but be prepared it is not likely. If she is truly staying at her mother's house and they are a safe group, that works out for him visiting her there by the way. He still needs to see her.

Take care of yourself.

Brother you have the evidence you need. Cheaters lie, they lie a lot and about everything so to not have to face the music. She is not only cheating on you, her son and her friends.

She is not a good mother or wife. She is just a selfish, self centred person who can look you and her son in the face and blame others and gaslight you.

Get tested for STDs and STIs as well as a DNA check for your child. When you confront her then tell the other BS as she has the right to know her friend isn’t her friend. Then shine a light on the infidelity. Like the cockroaches they are they will scurry back into the dark where they thrive. Some here say nuclear revenge, others will just say keep it civil for the children’s sake. That is your call but check with your lawyer first before anything. Keep a VAR on you from now on as there is a good chance she will make false claims against you once you blow the affair into the light. You don’t want to be the second choice in her relationship choice. She is no friend of your family

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:07 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]

Why haven't you ratted the whole darn thing out in the open yet! Screw the conflict... its not yours.. its hers to contend with. Sit back and watch the whole saga unfold and how this guy will kick her to the curb! Your wife chose her lover over her son.. that is the caliber of woman she is

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:28 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

Expose the A with ALL family and close friends without warning, also her words at this point mean absolutely NOTHING, she's a proven cheater and a liar, and don't forget to get tested for STDs, adults involved in an A when in close proximity don't just hold hands, consult a lawyer at least to know your legal options, remember cheaters typically only admit to what you can prove.

[This message edited by ltsstuck at 6:28 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]