Hi, I joined SI about 2 years ago, and was fairly active for awhile but don't post much. I do read every day though, and am so thankful for all the support and advice given on these boards. I'm starting a new thread today mostly to get some support and hear other opinions, but also because I often find I have to journal/write things down after an incident with WH, because he often will later say "that never happened", "that's not what I meant", "I never said that" , etc, and the years of gaslighting often make me question my own judgement, memory and reality.
Background: WH had a 2 month EA/PA with a married OW; they started the A as soon as they met. Exchanged numbers, were sexting within days, and took it physical in about a week and a half. The A ended when I found out and confronted him. His A had just about everything that (IMO) makes it more difficult to R, at least for me...lots of ILY's (they had just met!); convos about leaving their BS's to be together; lot of sexting/pics; lots of sex and meeting up whenever and wherever they could for it, including in my own home in my own bed, and in the OBS's home and bed, hotels, parking lots, you name it; exchanging of gifts between them; giving things to the OW that were denied to me in the marriage (sexual and non sexual); trickle truthing for about 6 months and making me dig for every meetup and detail instead of just being honest, etc. The fact that WH had an A just barely 2 years into the M and during a time that we had both agreed we were really happy, bought a new home together and were building our lives together, and things were really good between us only made things worse for me I think. WH also has a lot of narcissistic traits and lacks empathy, so that of course has made R even more difficult.
Like almost all BS's I was absolutely destroyed on DDay. I threw up every day for months, and was down to less than 100lbs. Everything I ever believed about myself, him, the M..was dead. I was barely functional for a long time, and I still have a lot of shame as a mother for not being stronger and more put together in those months after dday, for not being more present for my kids. I was in IC for about a year and a half. My first IC was NOT helpful; he was one of those "tell me how you contributed to the A" (Umm, I trusted him??) and had me read "After he Affair". 
My 2nd IC was a trauma therapist, and she helped me a lot; I also did EMDR during that time. We did MC about 5 months after dday, but that didn't last long; the MC was ok, and definitely held WH accountable, but he honestly was nowhere near being ready for MC because he still had so much work to do on himself, so I stopped doing MC. For at least the first year, every convo about the A ended in his angry outbursts and/or shame spirals. And as I mentioned, he also struggles with having any empathy. He would also still gaslight a lot in MC, like if we had an argument that week and I brought it up in MC, all we would get from him is gaslighting and DARVO...lots of "I NEVER said that!", and he mostly just wanted to rugsweep and move on, be forgiven, "build something new"...without actually doing the work on himself. His suicide attempt that first year also compounded the trauma, and gave us both new wounds to heal from. We've been through 2 A seasons since Dday, and they were both horrendous...and he handled the increased triggers and trauma responses from me horribly both years. He has been in weekly IC since Dday (with a few missed weeks here and there), and is also on his 2nd IC; 2nd one is definitely more helpful than the first. Instead of a separate MC, we do a joint session twice a month with his IC; this is really the only way we've made any progress at all, because his IC sees his narc traits and behaviors and is helping him work through those, while also helping him see how those behaviors affect our relationship and impact everything as a whole, and tries to get him to show empathy, to be able to think outside of himself, etc instead of just discussing marriage problems.
One of the VERY few things he did right since Dday was that he never blamed me or the marriage for the A. He always said that he was seeking more external validation/admiration/ego kibbles because he felt bad about himself; that it was "an escape" from reality, to get away from his self-loathing, and how bad he felt about losing his previous job and then his financial issues (even though he had already been in a new, really good job for about a year before the A started, and the reason he lost the other job was his own fault, because of his abuse of power and dishonesty...which he also then lied about, but I digress).
Obviously, things have been rough since dday, and that first year and a half or so was absolutely horrendous. I filed for divorce twice that first year, but stopped it both times (stupid). But I have seen progress in him in the last year, or so I thought. This week has been a rough week for me. There was a huge trigger earlier in the week, when a package for my daughter arrived in the mail, and it was from the same company that OW sent WH a package from during the A (yes, during the A that bitch sent him a gift and had it delivered right to the front door of my own home, and I'm the one that checked the mail that day..he lied and said it was something he had ordered for himself). I told WH about the trigger, and he apologized for creating the situation that caused it. Then quickly wanted to move on to a new topic, as he frequently does. I was also struggling this week because it was the anniversary of a pretty big relationship milestone that we used to celebrate; since his A, it only brings about thoughts of sadness and regret that I married him, and feelings of loss for everything we no longer have. So this week has been a real struggle, and I have been feeling really down. I have told him every day this week that I am not doing well emotionally, that I am upset. It has only been met with "I'm sorry you're not doing well" and then quickly moves on. THis morning, we are still laying in bed relaxing, but have been awake for a few mins. He asks me if I am ok; I responded that no, I was not ok, I have been telling him that all week. He just got quiet, said nothing. I then tell him that some days are harder than others, that some days the shit sandwich is harder to choke down, and there are things he does that make it easier sometimes and then things he does that makes it worse and makes the shit sandwich even bigger. That I have been telling him all week that I am struggling and he has not once asked me why, or what specifically was bothering me, or even asked if I wanted to talk about anything. That the other day I told him I cried my entire yoga session and that his only response was "I"m sorry you're feeling bad". He then said (in a somewhat angry tone) that he "has been asking me for 2 years if he can do anything and the answer is always no"...which is total BS btw. I have BEGGED him for what I need in those moments, which is for him to LISTEN, be present with me, think about why I feel that way, show REAL empathy and remorse and not shame spiral and be silent or have an angry outburst. I begged him for that for a LONG time...he's never been capable of it. So now there are times that I do no even bother talking to him about triggers, because what would be the point? I do tell him about some of the big ones, and give him the chance to do something to comfort me, which he does but can usually only tolerate for a few mins. So I ask him why I would be so vulnerable to him all the time, when this is how he reacts when I am doing it now? I started crying, and told him how I still don't feel safe, and asked him how things are different now? how is he different now? I told him I missed what we used to have, and I missed trusting him and feeling safe...that we were happy and things were good between us right before he chose to have an A, and I thought he was such a great husband and stepdad. I was looking for safety.., I asked him "how are you different now? " He said that he didn't need the external validation anymore, that now "he doesn't care what anyone thinks". I told him that prior to his A, the kids and I thought the world of him, that we loved him and trusted him so much. That I wish that that had been enough for him, that I had been enough for him. I told him that sometimes I still feel wanted "less than" OW to him, and asked him why he wanted her so much? He said it wasn't her, that that was just his way of "acting out", of "escaping" his low self esteem and a way of him feeling better about himself. I told him that cheating on his wife, destroying all of our lives, and fucking another man's wife should have made him feel worse about himself, not better. He got angry, cursed at me, and went downstairs. He came back a few mins later, saying "You want to know why I fucked her?? you really want to know why I fucked her??? Because I felt unappreciated! Because you and the kids never appreciated me! Just like I feel NOW!!That's why I fucked her!"
Wow. Just wow. So there goes one of the only things he ever did right after Dday, not blame me or the marriage (or the kids!). I told him that everyone feels unappreciated sometimes, but not everyone cheats, so that's definitely not the reason he cheated. He said "oh so now even my reasons for cheating are wrong". I told him I have felt unappreciated plenty in our relationship, but that didn't make me fuck someone else in the bed he just got out of, or give someone else's spouse a BJ in a parking lot. He said "well I guess you're just a better person than me, with better coping skills, but I DID feel unappreciated, and that's why I cheated". I told him I was appalled at this thinking, and that it was showing me that he has learned nothing, and even regressed actually, in his thinking and in becoming a safer partner if that's how he felt. He yelled at me that he's been telling me for 2 years that that was the reason. Which is total BS...he has never said that's the reason he cheated.
He has said he felt unappreciated right before and during his A, that he "felt like a cheauffer and a paycheck"; that he would get upset that kid activities or other adult responsibilities would get in the way of things he wanted to do. But then after dday, admitted that his thinking and priorities were wrong, and that he had rewritten marital history as cheaters so often do. Ironically, in the time leading up to his A, that is when I think I appreciated and valued him the most; my kids and I adored him, we thought he was an amazing husband and stepdad. We tried to tell him that often, but it fell on deaf ears. He did/does do a lot around the house, etc. and I have always appreciated that. I also do a lot around the house though, and I don't think he even notices most of the time, as evidenced by him saying he "does everything around here", and the other difference is I don't expect accolades for doing things around the house, taking out the trash, or taking a kid to an appointment, and he always seems a bit resentful about doing any of that...but then also resentful if I say I got it, or I can do it myself. Before the A, I always felt we divided up things pretty evenly, helped each other out...we're both athletes, and need to squeeze training time in there as well as all the daily life stuff, but I thought that was part of what made us great...that we understood that and always helped each other out to make sure we each got that time. The problem was, it was never enough for him....he was given PLENTY of training time, but anytime a kid activity or another responsibility infringed on something he wanted to do, he would get angry and resentful...it was never enough. After Dday, he admitted that, and said that he has since gotten his priorities straight, but today he brought it back up and said "and you would never give me the time to do what I wanted, you always complained!" so I guess we have regressed there as well.
His relationship with my kids has never been the same since his A. They are teenagers, and he has been in their lives since they were fairly young. Prior to his A, they really did love and adore him. But they know what he did, and the level of love and respect has never really returned from them. And I can't make it, nor should I. I have told him that he damaged that relationship, and he needs to do the work to repair it. To him, that means buying them things and going to their sporting events, but continuing to be very critical and hostile towards them a lot. That doesn't fly well with them, especially after everything he's done to me and them. I can't make them forgive him, nor should I. They see a lot of his behaviors and things he says for exactly what they are, and I can't fault them for that. He also gets very offended when he feels he's being slighted or ignored by them...they're teenagers! All parents feel slighted and ignored by them. But he always has to make himself out to be the victim.
As horrible as a lot of things have been since Dday, the last year really hasn't been that bad. We do have fun and have some good times; we get along really well most of the time now. I did have hope that we would still someday have a happy future together, even though he killed the M with his A, and I haven't felt M to him since, I thought we were at least building a new relationship , even if it never felt like a real M to me again. I was starting to think about our future together again, and make plans for that. But the things he said today???? I feel done. I feel like I have wasted another 2.5 years, working with him, seeing little changes in him and hoping that meant he was going to "get it" some day. If he can still watch me cry and be in pain over his A, and still just get angry and have ZERO empathy?? if he can now blame "feeling unappreciated" as the "reason he fucked her"?? After all this time of supposedly knowing that it was just his own resentments, need for ego kibbles and validation, of admitting that we had a really good M and that I was a good W and we were happy?
It has made me realize so much. Like I am the unappreciated one, not him. Because I also have felt unappreciated by him in our relationship, but because I VALUED AND APPRECIATED HIM, I never cheated, even though there have always been plenty of opportunities for me to do so. I chose not to BECAUSE I appreciated him and valued our relationship. It wasn't my lack of appreciation for him...it was HIS lack of appreciation for me and our M that made him even capable of engaging with OW. He underappreciated me so much that ego kibbles from some ugly whore, who was also only after her own ego kibbles from someone else's husband because that made her oh so special and important, were more valuable to him than me and our M. And it is making me oh so angry that he is now claiming that HE is so unappreciated.
I've also been looking back, and maybe the only reason things have seemed so "good" between us is because I really haven't been talking to him about the A. And when I do, I've accepted the bare minimum "I'm sorry I caused that" or the even worse "I'm sorry you're feeling bad". And then he moves on to the next subject. And in therapy, many times all he wants to do is complain about every little thing the kids do (leaving lights on, not doing the dishes as soon as he asks..to him, these things are "defying" him) and has to be redirected by the therapist to focus on him and his issues and his actions.
I feel like "time's up, asshole!"...like I can't stomach the thought of wasting any more time waiting for him to get it. But it also feels like a loss all over again, because I really was thinking things were better , and starting to look to our future again. I really thought after 2.5 years in IC, he had made SOME progress...now I see he just occasionally says the right things because he knows he's supposed to. The mask slipped today and I see the real him again. And I can't stand him.
Sorry so long...it was helpful to write it all out. And have it to refer back to, because he already started with the "that's not what I meant" and "sorry I didn't extrapolate and say it was because of my poor coping skills, I was just angry". I don't want to give him any more chances. I don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't afford for me and the kids to stay in this house without him. I work FT, but don't make enough to stay here, and honestly would struggle even in a smaller house. But I have to figure something out, because I am not going to live my life with an unremorseful, narcissistic, blameshifting, gaslighting cheater.
