SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TL/DR My wife of 13 years was sending pics from the shower. I was wondering to whom. She said "to you". Only I didn't have any messages. I confronted her. She said "check my phone". I did. Sadly. She deleted them BUT I know how to access the deleted messages file. There were pics of her and a coworker. Sent back and forth today from the shower.

Okay so the long story. About 4 years ago on a family vacation I happened to see a message on her phone that was sitting by me and it said "hey sunshine, how's vacation". I found out she'd been texting him the whole time. She said it's nothing, just work friends. Then she added me to a group text with him and another couple coworkers that text all the time... So I let it go. Then a few times she was at another coworkers house and he was there and I had to take the kids home to bed but she didn't come home til 2 am. I confronted her again and she said it was nothing. They all just had to sober up to drive home.

Fast forward to now and I was sure nothing was going on until today. He had done a couple flirty things around me even, but I thought he was just that type if guy. He has a gf for crying out loud. Well today I walk in when my wife is getting out of the shower and she had her phone in there. I said "whatcha doing with that?" All flirty like and she nervously clutched her phone. So I said "let me see it". She's like I was just sending you photos. I wanted you to be surprised. After messing around on her phone for a bit while I shaved, she said "here, look!". I go to her messages and click archived and there is a message with a "Mr brown"... Not her coworkers name but when I opened it, there's a nude of him from the shower from today and one from her to him.

I fucking hurt so bad. We've been married 13 years. I've never stepped out even emotionally. We are both rather out of shape physically so we probably only have sex 3-5 times a month, so maybe it's not enough, but we've had discussions and wanted to get better.

A few weeks ago she didn't speak to me for a whole day because I questioned where she was when she said she was at a friend's watching a movie but the friend hadn't seen her. I had no reason to think she was cheating, but she wasn't where she said she would be and that just seemed weird.

So what do I do? She said she's never actually cheated. Never kisses or done anything physical, just sent pics. But why would I trust that?? Also, we just bought a house, have 2 kids, a dog, chickens, a whole fucking life together... But how does one stay married when trust is completely gone???

This all happened Saturday. We talked Saturday night and she said it's only been going on 2 months and has only been sexting, but I still feel betrayed and super angry. I would NEVER do this to her. I want to stay together for the kids and she swears it's over and he's quitting his job soon, and she said she'll get a new number and block his... but it still hurts so bad.

She said she's never actually cheated.

No way. 4 years at least something has been going on? And she lied about being at a friend's house and then didn't speak to YOU all day?

mate she's lying

I dont know how much or about what exactly

but she's lying

I’m sorry you are here in this site. You will get great advice snd support here. It takes courage to share but we certainly understand your situation.

First, you will survive this. We all do. Healing is a long slow process whether you reconcile or divorce. Please know that.

Second, most cheaters never tell the truth. So you may want to stop believing everything she says. Right now she’s in the “CYA” mode (cover your ass). You just caught onto something that is going on. It’s most likely the tip of the iceberg.

Now for the dirt. I think you know that something has been going on for years. You saw a suspicious text 4 years ago. Hmmmmm.

You left her at a co- workers where the OM (other man) was and she came home at 2am. Hmmmmmmmm........that is disturbing. Why didn’t she leave with you? Ohh riiight because she had alone time with the OM.

And then there was the latest incident with the nude photos. Very well planned between them.

So I doubt “nothing” is going on and they are “just friends”.

Her anger at you is a typical cheater strategy for blocking and discouraging you from holding her accountable.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Therefore, every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior (like sexting, lying about her whereabouts). Your wife failed big time.

As a result of her inappropriate behavior, she has no right to expect you to trust her or except her excuses. Why? because she is deceitful.

Now she has to prove she's not having an affair.

If she even suspects that you are not willing to divorce her (bluff if you have to) over this, then she will continue the inappropriate behavior.

The more you stand your ground and the more intolerant you are of her behavior the more likely you can save your marriage. Anything less is viewed as you being weak - which in her current state of mind is viewed as pathetic and unappealing.

I'm so sorry you are here.

The only thing you know for sure is she is willing to lie to your face.

If you served her divorce papers tomorrow do you think her level of disclosure would increase?

If so, then the only thing you know for sure is she is willing to lie to your face, including the new disclosure.

If she sees your actions of: requiring both of you getting immediate STI testing, immediate DNA paternity testing of the kids, serving her divorce papers, disclosing to both of your parents the affair and the fallout, moving HER out of the marital bedroom, and you informing her that if she doesn't demonstrate to you that she is a safe partner within 90 days you will divorce her; nothing will get her attention.

Then and only then, when she is demonstrating change (because her words are of no value) will you provide your own list of demands that will demonstrate to you what a safe partner looks like; starting with a written timeline that she will read to you while you follow along with your copy as you ask clarifying questions and taking notes. Before she begins reading you will inform her that this timeline and your followup questions will be verified with a polygraph examination. This is just the first item on your long list of requirements. You will get lots of other advice for that list on here.

Good luck

Tell his gf. Do not tell your wife you’re going to do this. Nothing kills an affair quicker than exposure.

Verify the part about him leaving his job, because if it’s not true she needs to leave.

Have her write out a timeline that includes all inappropriate behavior that has occurred since you have been a couple. Inform her it will be verified with a polygraph. Another question would be did any other coworkers or friends know about and support her infidelity. Anyone not a friend of the marriage has to go.

Four years plus coworker equals a lot of opportunity. Be prepared for trickle truth.

See a lawyer to get an idea of what divorce looks like in your area. Not telling you to file but knowledge is power, and she should believe you don’t fear taking that step.

Also she has to become transparent with all of her electronics and social media. If she brings up her privacy or says you’re trying to control her remind her that she used that privacy and your trust to betray you.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:49 AM, June 8th (Tuesday)]

She lied and lied and lied and lied. That's one for each year. Probably make that one for each day, or even ten per day. Call it fifteen-thousand lies.

You *were* a good and trusting man. That's what you are supposed to do, right? She says it's nothing you believe her. But she was lying.

Then she got mad at you for implying she was lying. That was a lie.

So what do I do? She said she's never actually cheated.

That's a lie. Even if she didn't physically cheat (almost certainly did, but I will leave open the infinitesimal possibility that she didn't), she did ACTUALLY carry on an affair of significant emotional and sexual nature. That's cheating.

Keep in mind almost every cheater sets their ever moving boundary to be "not really cheating" in their mind. Rationalized one way or another. It could be something as stupid as "I always kept one foot on the floor, so I wasn't lying down with him, so it's NOT cheating."

But how does one stay married when trust is completely gone???

Your marriage is already dead. She killed it. You now get the very unfortunate and very unfair choice between multiple shitty paths. I'm personally in R (reconciliation), but it's not like that's an easy path. You can also go with D (divorce) and that has its own problems.

If you are going to R it takes two. Right now your WW (wayward wife) is still lying to you, pretty much every day ten times a day to your face. She is in self-protection mode. You have nothing to work with while this is going on.

Maybe she will start to show real remorse. It would be IDEAL if she suggested she go to a therapist to figure out what is wrong with her, offer complete electronic transparency, own the damage she has done, and start to look up books to recover like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Historically speaking, this is extremely unlikely. So instead they will have to be demands you make if you even want to consider R (which you don't have to).

Sorry you had to find this place, but you'll be glad you did.

Costanz80,

If you want to save this marriage you will need to know the truth to understand what actually occurred, what you might be forgiving (assuming you can), and your wife needs to demonstrate true remorse, not regret at getting caught. That means she seeks to heal your pain, not cover up or rugsweep her transgressions.

Check "The Healing Library" (menu on the right) as well as the "Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of this forum for more information on what to do next.

At a minimum, your wife needs to go no contact with the co-worker NOW. You stated

I want to stay together for the kids and she swears it's over and he's quitting his job soon, and she said she'll get a new number and block his number

You should not be expected to wait until she has a new number before blocking his number. Further, she should compose a no contact text (brief and business like) that you review and watch her send TODAY. Then watch her block his number and any e-mail addresses.

You should have access to any electronic devices and/or passwords at any time.

Your wife should write out a timeline of the affair including dates, what she did with the co-worker, and what she was feeling. Once that is complete, she needs to take a polygraph to ensure what she wrote in the timeline is the whole truth. Be prepared for the infamous "parking lot confession" where the wayward spouse suddenly spills the beans on other adulterous activities just before the polygraph.

She needs to understand that these conditions are absolutely required and failure to adhere to them will likely result in divorce. You need to show strength and resolve. Do not play the "pick me" dance or show weakness to her.

You should see a lawyer to find out what a divorce might look like. Knowledge is power and you need to understand your options (even if you don't exercise it).

Take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and drinking and if you haven't been exercising, it is time to hit the gym.

Lastly, consider getting a few voice activated recorders and place them in her car or anywhere in the home where she uses the phone. This can help you understand if she is breaking no contact and/or is genuine with respect to reconciliation.

Good luck!

I bet his GF would be very interested to see the photos he sent your wife.

She wants to stay married to you I think you have to insist on individual counselling for her to get to the bottom of why she is behaving like a high schooler.

Suggest you get yourself in shape and start spending time alone or with friends. Your wife will get the message you're not a sure thing and she'll need to straighten up and fly right.

You might want to set a time limit on an improvement in her behaviour / your marriage. If you find yourself 6 or 12 months from now stuck in the same rut, it might be time to think about ending your marriage. Sorry man, being married to your wife as things stand sounds terrible.

I'm noticing a pattern here. You catch something inappropreate,you WW treats it like a misunderstanding, you let it go. It's understandable. We all want to believe they would never cheat on us. The problem is that all of these things, added together, including the same OM... and now the nudes. Yeah she's trying to feed you the just enough that you'll be fine. It was only nudes, it was only two months, he's getting a new job soon...

There a quite a few indicators that point to this going on more than two months and involving more than pictures.

What does her phone bill say? How many text, calls were they exchanging when not a work?

Do not write this off. Do not just hope that she's telling the truth. Call it an affair in front of her. Even what she admits to is pretty bad but I"m sure theirs more.

Do not tell your WW you are going to do this but contact the OBGF and let her know that her BF has been sending new pictures to your WW. It is a good way to keep the OM busy while you work on your marriage. You will have two sets of eyes watching them and you might be able to get more information from her.

Good luck and keep posting.

You have received good advice. As others have mentioned, a polygraph exam is a must. You need to know as much as possible as to what she has been up to. Her words are meaningless.

This is cheating. This is cheating. This is cheating.

I do not understand why a person with a brain would send nude pictures to anyone. He now owns pictures that he can send to anybody. Does your wife have a clue about how risky that is?

I think you need to read what the posters are telling you. This just stinks!

Sorry you had this happen to your marriage @Costanz80. As some of the others have already said first thing is contact the OM's girlfriend and show her the pictures. Also tell your wife she has not been honest with you for 4+ years and in order to move forward she has to take a polygraph test.

To be honest it probably will not get to the actual test she will either say she will not do it (which will tell you there is more) or she will confess more the day of the test. Also, she will try and trickle truth you which I think she is already doing. Tell her she gets one chance to come clean on everything and that's it. Best of luck!

At a Minimum you have a 4 year long EA. That's bad enough to destroy your marriage. All the effort she put in to keeping the affair going for that long is effort taken away from you and your family. She's already lied and betrayed you just to keep sending pictures. If you hadn't found the deleted pictures she'd still be lying. EA's between adults with physical contact with each other cross over into PAs pretty quickly. People dont send nudes without intimacy. They have been having sex. For Years. To her that was worth risking nuking her family.

I don't see that you have much to work with here. She's pretty unrepentant even though you've caught her dead to rights several times. Protect yourself and your kids. THis marriage will be toxic for your entire family pretty quickly. Understand what D looks like for you. File and be prepared to follow through with it.

Maybe, just maybe, she will get her head out of her ass, but I wouldn't recommend giving her another chance. Waywards capable of R wouldn't have kept it going this long with the close calls she has already had. Do the 180. Walk clear of this and see if she decides to go all in to fix the disaster of her making. Than decide if you are willing.

Bare minimums before considering R. I don't think you'll get these from your wayward.

NC with AP. New job if that's what it takes.
NC with any friend that knew of and supported the A. If they were being flirty with you around her coworkers and friends knew more from when you left early with the kids.
Full written timeline of A backed by polygraph.
IC for both (do this yourself regardless)

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

Four years ago you knew something was off. My best guestimate is that this affair has been going on for four years. You've experienced several red flags.

Your wife is cheating. Sorry, your wife is cheating. Probably for a long time.

Cheaters lie. Every.single.one.of.them. They all lie to save their own necks and to minimize their despicable actions.

Gently, your wife is no different. She's lying.

Inform this guy's gf that he is having an affair with your wife. Do not tell her you are going to do this. The GF deserves to know she is living a lie as well.

Sorry man but all cheaters lie a lot.

Right now you are giving her total control and you are sharing you wife with another man.

Better get strong quick and stay there.

Is this the SAME guy over 4 years, or are you talking about different instances of shenanigans with other fine upstanding honorable 'men'? Also, leaving your wife at a party/get together drunk with other drunk men? Yeah, you should know better. Anytime in the future you are in a situation like this, she goes when you go, you go when she goes. Just as a standard of practice.

Hi Costanz80, for once read your own post and think what you read; think deep. And I think you know what's been going on.

He had done a couple flirty things around me even, but I thought he was just that type if guy.

You are in a one sided open marriage. Believe it or not, but the other guy would'nt dare to flirt with her openly IN FRONT OF YOU if she hadn't welcomed it or it's been going on for a long time.

He has a gf for crying out loud.

Cheaters are selfish. They dont' care about their or your relationship. They only care about their needs.

A few weeks ago she didn't speak to me for a whole day because I questioned where she was when she said she was at a friend's watching a movie but the friend hadn't seen her.

Are you f*cking kidding me!

I want to stay together for the kids and she swears it's over and he's quitting his job soon, and she said she'll get a new number and block his... but it still hurts so bad.

I promise you it's not 2 months; and it's more than sexting. It already physical that's why he is trying to leave the job; because affair might damage his/her reputation around there.

If you have the proof then inform the GF about the whole thing. She might help you uncover more materials.