SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why did you decide to stay with a cheater. They may have worked really hard to become a safe partner but why stay with someone who betrayed you like that? Kids? I'm often told that having kids together shouldn't be a reason to stay. Love them? You can love someone and let them go ......clearly they didn't love you back or not as much as you so thought. Is it worth it? Is it worth knowing that they did you dirty like that? Is it worth settling.......you shouldn't settle for anything in life, yet why do so many couples stay together after being betrayed. I get that it's your life and you may want to stay together but if the marriage has been destroyed why do you want to stay?

Short answer, most don't stay together, especially if the BS was a man, then the chances of staying together is very low.

Most people simply divorce when infidelity is discovered. They do not seek advice, just legal representation.

For that reason, the amount of people considering R is very overrepresented on boards like these.

I'm not sure I agree with Dictum. I think infidelity is rampant and people just don't talk about it. Meaning, people stay, we just don't know they were cheated on.

To answer OP, I stayed because I still loved him and I loved our life sans affair. The pain of losing that was too much at the time.

People (some) have a great capacity for empathy and forgiveness. They don't see life as black and white. They balance what they need, their love for their spouse/family against the pain. As is usually said around here, feelings lie. Pain can heal. Anger can subside. Giving up your life as you know it is usually permanent.

It's not settling if both people end up content and happy. It's an imperfect marriage with imperfect people in it. just like every other marriage. But it's really up to each individual to decide. I think a lot of BSs end up with that nagging little scar that says "is this enough?" Maybe that's why divorce rates go up 5 years AFTER infidelity.

Kids? I'm often told that having kids together shouldn't be a reason to stay. Love them? You can love someone and let them go ......clearly they didn't love you back or not as much as you so thought. Is it worth it? Is it worth knowing that they did you dirty like that? Is it worth settling.......you shouldn't settle for anything in life, yet why do so many couples stay together after being betrayed. I get that it's your life and you may want to stay together but if the marriage has been destroyed why do you want to stay?

Actually the stats show that most marriages continue after infidelity. The question is whether they are truly reconciled, and that is debatable. I think a somewhat recent longitudinal study suggested that 5 years after D-DAY, the success rates for reconciliation tend to fall off a cliff. That isn't to say people can't successfully reconcile. It's just to acknowledge it is an awfully hard slog with no clear prospects for success.

As to kids, I think this is a perfectly legitimate reason to stay but that depends on the situation. If you're MORE than civil to one another and can be strong, stable parents, then staying probably confers some benefits for kids. Certainly most stats bear out some scary outcomes for kids of divorce. Positive outcomes for kids of divorce are mostly in cases where the divorce was an improvement over a dysfunctional situation.

There are also practical financial considerations.

I can say without hesitation that if we'd had no kids and my WW had conducted herself the way she did, we'd already be divorced.

But I do know that being a betrayed spouse tends to make one more of a steely-eyed realist about things. And that includes both divorce and reconciliation. I don't think either one fully resolves the existential crisis thrust upon a betrayed spouse by adultery. That has to be resolved within, no matter what you do.

I was dumped and didn't have the choice to stay. However, at the time, I was a blubbering mess. I did the pick-me dance, begged for her to reconsider, etc. I absolutely would have stayed had she agreed.

It's sheer speculation, but my gut tells me that if it had played out like that, over the long run our relationship would have been infused with resentment that would act like a wedge, slowly creating more distance. In hindsight, she did me a kindness by rejecting me as hard and as unyielding as she did, and to be honest I think that, in a twisted sort of way, part of her motivation was actually kindness toward me.

Are you asking people to justify themselves here, or are you trying to find your own reasons for staying? If you have to struggle to find reasons to stay, probably best to separate.

People have a lot of reasons for staying just as they have a lot of reasons for leaving. You may not agree with mine, and I may not agree with yours. It's very personal to each situation though.

Kids are not a reason to stay in a terrible situation. Kids are a good reason to try and salvage a marriage though, assuming that there's no mental, physical, etc., abuse, or other dangerous factors, the cheating has stopped, and that the health and well being of the kid(s) is still top of mind. People will claim that staying with a cheater means you must be fighting all the time in the most brutal of ways and putting the child through hell on the regular, and that's simply not always true. If that is what is happening though, then yes, that goes back to a dangerous situation that you should get your kid out of.

People will claim that staying with a cheater means you must be fighting all the time in the most brutal of ways and putting the child through hell on the regular, and that's simply not always true.

Exaclty.

I can't remember where I read this, so apologies in advance, but the stats were something like 75% of couples stay together. But of that 75%, only half are happy with it. The other half are miserable. So, a little more that one-third will stay together, miserably ever after, instead of just pulling the rip cord and getting out. Equally though, about a third will be happy with the way their R turns out. I think it really all depends on whether the work gets done or not. Has the cheater made REAL and lasting changes? Is s/he doing the tough, introspective, humbling work to remediate a badly flawed character? Can the BS achieve healing and truly clean the slate? Or is the adultery in fact a deal-breaker?

I stayed because my fWH worked really hard for change. But I also stayed because we had over 30 years invested already, which was the impetus for ME to work hard too. I don't think I would have bothered to put that kind of work into it otherwise. And there are some caveats to my "clean slate" because these days, I always keep my divorce plan in my back pocket. So I don't think I would have planned to deeply entangle myself further with someone I already knew was capable of casual betrayal. IOW, if we had been young with no children together, I would not have planned children with him nor would I have allowed my finances to be compromised. It's only because we ALREADY had those entanglements that I was willing to try, and I would NOT have been wrong or missing anything, because even though our R is acceptable, past the first few years, my fWH hasn't been able to maintain the kind of emotional intimacy I wanted. So, if I'm giving marks to my R, it's only "satisfactory", not "excellent".

Turns out, there's some gray area between "happy in R" and "miserably ever after".

I will throw this in, I found out a month ago that 10 years ago my UW has an affair that lasted 16 months. I have since learned that in that 16 months there were times that they did not see each other for weeks at a time because it did not suit her at the time. She wanted someone to talk to and drink with that would not judge her or make her feel bad. But once she decided to end the relationship she committed the next 10 years to being a good spouse and loving mother. So as far as the R part off it she has proven over the last 10 years that because of our shitty life we were having at the time that she could be a good spouse. The problem I have now is knowing the past trying to heal to the point I can forgive her. Some days are better than others.

Betrayal isn't a competition, and all betrayals hurt. But, there are certainly different degrees of betrayal and individual reactions to it.

If my fWW has committed deal breaking infidelity, I wouldn't stay. It sounds like you never really determined if cheating to the degree your WW did is a deal breaker for you or not. That's an internal struggle we all go through.

Ultimately, my fWW didn't betray me to a degree that made me believe the M was irreparable or that she couldn't become a safe, loving, and devoted wife again. That's based on my individual boundaries and feelings.

I hate to get into the nitty gritty or even suggest the spectrum is linear.

Where is the line?

What can you forgive, what can't you?

WS texted AP romantically.

WS spent excessive one-on-one time dating AP.

WS sent explicit photos.

WS kissed AP.

WS fucked AP but didn't kiss.

WS admits they love their AP.

WS gave or received oral sex.

WS engaged in sex act with AP that they refused for you.

WS had drunken ONS.

WS used a lot of money on AP.

WS conducted a month long A.

WS conducted a year or longer A.

WS had multiple As.

WS had sex in your marital bed.

WS had sex with AP where you honeymooned.

Any one of those, for any reason, could be too far for you to R.

I stayed because I think I can forgive and R after the specific actions my fWW took. I like her, and love her, and aside from the A, a very good, kind, hard working, and considerate partner.

But once she decided to end the relationship she committed the next 10 years to being a good spouse and loving mother. So as far as the R part off it she has proven over the last 10 years that because of our shitty life we were having at the time that she could be a good spouse. The problem I have now is knowing the past trying to heal to the point I can forgive her. Some days are better than others.

It would be a very tough pill to swallow to learn that, in spite of her best efforts to be a textbook good wife the past 10 years, the fact that she kept this nearly 1.5 year affair from you the past decade was guaranteed to create an intimacy vacuum in your marriage -- even if you didn't know it at the time.

Your body probably knew something even when your mind didn't. The heart and gut have a ton of neurons in them.

Now you have the shit sandwich on looking back on the last decade and questioning everything.

Well I can say all kinds of stuff but basically I am still here due to fear.

I am getting my ducks in a row.

He is trying so hard now. But he had his head up his ass for months and I have lost a lot of respect for him.

There is still a chance we could work it out, but it is slim.

I will only stay with him if I believe I can have a life with him that is happy. We only get one life, I don't want one I am simply tolerating.

In retrospect, it is hard to understand why I stayed after my ex-wife's first affair. I was deeply hurt. The marriage wasn't very long and divorce seemed the smart thing to do. But I honestly believed I would never ever get a divorce. I also believe that infidelity was a deal-breaker. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. A lousy therapist helped us rug sweep the entire mess. She was surprised that I was still upset about the affair two weeks after finding out. Can you believe that?

I found myself going along with the program because of my inability to face the music. The subsequent six years were simply garbage. We finally divorced after her second affair.

I don't believe that I would put much confidence in the reliability of reconciliation statistics. I have no idea how reliable data can be collected.

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:55 PM, June 24th (Thursday)]

My reasons to stay married: 1. wanting to preserve an intact home for my children, 2. FEAR - of starting over, being alone, facing HIS anger over having to divide assets, 3. Wanting to stand in his way of having a Happily Ever After with his current AP. (yes, I know it's petty, not healthy, but I'll admit it's one of MY REASONS, so I guess you can put me into the miserable category)

My WH's first affair (that I know of) was 2007. After about a year of not knowing if we were going to stay married, AP finally moved out of state. We recovered (or so I thought). 2018 is when I believe he and 2nd AP begin. I had 2 kids still in high school, and I allowed myself to be in deep denial. Probably easier for me to deal with the situation that way. Covid arrives, and they are able to spend more time together as he owns his business and they went to a skeleton staff. (She works for him, so did the first AP). Not able to ignore his "having to work late" excuses like I use to.

Now, I'm waiting to get all my ducks in a row as well. There is a timeline for when I plan to confront. Kids have all graduated high school, so no longer can use that as an excuse. I expect that unlike last time, he will choose AP#2. I'm anticipating having to start life over in my 60's. Reading a lot about "Grey Divorces". So FEAR is still a major motivator as well as my reason #3. But as time goes on, and I begin to emotional detach from the Cheating Liar, and I re-read the Fear vs Reality posting, I think the fear is lessening. The more I talk with my attorney, and know I can "hurt" him financially by getting half of our assets, I think that replaces my wanting to stand in the way of his happily ever after. Still a "miserable" reason, but I think being BETRAYED kind of makes us all a little crazy, until we are able to remove the WS from our lives.

I just wonder, how many of us are staying married to WS, for whatever reasons, there is out there? I think there are a lot living in LIMBO. Would like a special support group for either living in Limbo, or us over 60 (divorced or not)!!!

I think the why differs for everyone. Certainly I loved my now-ex. I did not want a broken home for our children. I had concerns about financial stability. But divorcing him was really the only option after multiple affairs and chronic lying.

Here's what I think you should concentrate on, because from your posts, I'm thinking this is a deal-breaker for you.

It's okay to not know what you want right now. Like any major decision, ending or staying in a marriage is a huge decision and should be made when you feel that you have a clear path forward.

It's okay to stay.

It is equally okay to end the marriage. If it is a dealbreaker for you, there is nothing wrong with that. Most marriages that suffer infidelity do end. It's a huge blow to the relationship and erodes the very foundation of the marriage: trust.

It's NOT okay to discuss your feelings in front of your step-son. Please continue to put a lid on that action for his sake, and for your sake and his mother's sake as well.

It's NOT okay to be abusive. If you need to get feelings out, IC is a good place. Journaling is a good place. Coming here and venting is a good place. You are entitled to your anger and hurt. But you're not entitled to use it as an excuse for abuse.

As you heal, the path that works for you should become evident.

Cat

My first WH left me when I was in labour with our second child as he had met someone else. When I met my current FWH his first wife had also left him for someone else. I made it clear that any infidelity meant the end of the marriage. When I found out about his A I threw him out.

So why did we R? At that stage we had been married for 27 years, so I've been in love with him for half my life practically. I realised quickly that I still loved him and missed him - when WH No. 1 left it took about 24 hours before I realised I was better off and happier without him.

When my current FWH and I talked about R I made it plain it was all or nothing, and when he came home he obviously felt the same. It's been over two years since then, and he continues to be the most loving, affectionate, open he's ever been. Yes, we've been through hell. In the early months we fought, cried, my trauma made everything so hard. But now I am so happy we made the decision to R. I can honestly say that our marriage is in the best shape it's ever been. And I think a lot of that is that the shock of what he did forced him to examine himself and try to be a better man and husband.

Our children are all grown up, so they didn't come into the equation.

I definitely do not feel I've settled. Yes, our previous marriage was destroyed, but we have replaced it with a better marriage. In some ways I feel very lucky. Obviously very unlucky that he did what he did, but lucky that we are where we are after everything.

I gave my H a chance because it was a one time thing.

I gave him a chance because I had seen an attorney and I was going to have to pay SP, and CS, if I D'd imediately after Dday as he had lost his job in the crash of 07.

I gave him a chance to make it right and do the work because we had already been together more than half my life.

I gave him a chance because I loved him.

I gave him a chance because I was crushed, and horribly CoDependent.

I am glad that I did, because he did do the work, own his shit, and became a wonderful partner. It wasn't without bumps and pain along the way, but it was worth it.

You might as well ask why do people with parents who made their childhoods miserable still love and speak to them? Why do people refuse to cut off children who disrespect and mistreat them? The answer is the same to those questions is the same as the one you just presented:

Because, to most people, family bonds— even if that family is a single unit of husband and wife— are sacred. Permanently severing that bond is almost always a choice of last resort.

I say this as someone who divorced. I was married for 7 years, we didn’t own a home, we didn’t have children, and I was in my early 30s when Dday happened. I still stuck it out trying to fix things for as long as I could until the point of becoming physically ill and nearly losing my sanity.

If we had been together another decade, had children, a close knit circle of mutual friends (he hated my friends and didn’t have many of his own), and if I had in-laws that I got along with and didn’t actually despise, I might have been one of those posters with 50-page threads that frustrate the hell out of everyone.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:50 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

This will sound really awful, but the more stories I read about people struggling, really struggling to reconcile, and feeling miserable in the process, the more I think of reconciliation as an only marginally better scenario than living with actual infidelity. To live and breathe suspicion and paranoia day in and day out is more than I could take, that's for sure. Six months of it crushed me to the core. But I think the deeper issue here is, a very few WS are truly remorseful and are able to fully engage, not just on the surface, but on a deeper, more emphatic level.

Having said all that, I really admire people who stick it out and come out on top. Admittedly, not the majority, but a successful reconciliation with a truly remorseful partner could be the base for a more sincere, deeper relationship than ever before.

Why? Lots of reasons.

Because I love him. He loves me. We want to keep trying to make this work.

We have decades invested in each other.

This is the life I chose, and I choose it still.

I would only be a different kind of miserable without him.

I am reasonably certain I have his fidelity back.

Is it worth it? Only if he stays honest and faithful.

If he doesn't, I will make a new life for myself and choose miserable without him.

I try not to get too hung up on whether or not I made the right choice or if it is worth the pain, the struggle, the work. Instead I focus on right here, right now. Am I getting what I need? Do I feel safe and secure? Is he treating me with kindness and love? As long as I get yes answers to my right now questions, I can let go of the existential questions like what does it all mean or what any of this is worth.