SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So we are currently between sessions, but I have brought a few items to my wife's attention that I just need to vent a little about.

I did bring up her comment a few weeks ago that she made about inviting one of my friends from out of town to go workout with her. I didn't have to remind her that she went on workout dates with her AP. She said that she was sorry, that it was only a joke and that she was thoughtless with her words.

Just over a week later, we went to a concert for a country band we haven't seen in 30 years. We were having a great time until she decided to talk about how great it would be to be a groupie for them. I just turned my head and looked at her. And she continued to talk about it. How great it would be to go from town to town and enjoying all that time with the band and how she would really love to wait for them at the bus after the show. When we got home. She couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in talking much.

Seriously.

So on Saturday, I finally had time to bring it all up.

Cap: You know when you asked why I was quiet when we got home and I didn't answer you?

Mrs. Cap: Yes

Cap: Do you have any idea why that would have been?

MC: No

C: Why don't you go look up what a "groupie" is.

MC: [after finding the definition] Oh my. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that I wanted to travel with the band and have sex with them. I guess I didn't know what the word meant.

C: How are you almost 50 years old and have no idea what that word meant?

MC: I guess I'm just thoughtless. I didn't mean to bring up old wounds. Just tell me when it happens. I need you to do that so I can learn.

C: [inside voice...I'm not the thought police...how about you just think about what you say before you say it...you're a grown ass woman for crying out loud...]

She didn't know that groupies had sex with the band? She grew up in the 80s in part of the groupie heyday and just...missed that information? Her mental image of groupie isn't a blonde with big boobs, big hair and a ton of make-up?

I didn't mean that I wanted to travel with the band and have sex with them

Here is an alternate: "Wouldn't it be great to just follow the band for the summer and see them in concert every few days?" That's a very clear statement, not much room for interpretation.

I guess I'm just thoughtless.

Clearly, your WW hasn't yet learned that she CANNOT be thoughtless. By acting this way, she is showing no concern for your feelings. For the foreseeable future, she needs to be very careful with what she says and consider your feelings before she opens her mouth.

She said that she was sorry, that it was only a joke and that she was thoughtless with her words.

Same issue. It's not funny.

It may be something she should discuss in her IC, as to why she continues to do this.

The only way I can think she made a mistake is that she said groupie when she actually meant roadie... except roadies aren't waiting for the band after the show because they're working. So once again, she's probably full of it.

You already know that is incapable of empathy and her own emotional range is extremely limited; if you're going to choose to stay with her despite this, then you need to expect and prepare yourself for these moments so you're less disappointed and/or frustrated when they happen. I don't think that's a satisfying relationship to be in for the long run, but you're committed to staying no matter what so I'm giving you advice based on that.

I think you should totally take her at her word going forward that you're not going to wait a few days to tell her when something she's said is upsetting or in poor taste. While I'm pessimistic about whether this will have any positive affect on her behavior, you will at least get more comfortable with being forthright and assertive in your interactions with her.

Another suggestion I have for when she says something stupid, you call her out on it, and she provides an equally stupid excuse or explanation is just stare at her quietly with a look of incredulity as if you were a 1st grade teacher who was just told that a dog ate your pupil's homework.

wait for them at the bus after the show

MC: [after finding the definition] Oh my. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that I wanted to travel with the band and have sex with them. I guess I didn't know what the word meant.

Hmmmm, wait for them at the bus after the show to what exactly?

I did bring up her comment a few weeks ago that she made about inviting one of my friends from out of town to go workout with her. I didn't have to remind her that she went on workout dates with her AP. She said that she was sorry, that it was only a joke and that she was thoughtless with her words.

I can say this about me. Multiple times I have made joking needles back at my wife about the A. Which isn't really nice or fair since I don't expect her to make jokes about it to me, then have me just laugh about it. Never have I made a joke about it that wasn't exactly what I meant it to be. A little mean spirited reminder that I wasn't happy about her A or the way she behaved in the aftermath.

Count me in as someone else who didn’t know being a “groupie” necessarily had anything to do with sex. I guess I’m a dumbass too; I thought it merely meant someone who likes a band so much they try to come to as many of their shows/other public appearances as possible. 🤷🏻‍♀️ At least I’m only almost 40 instead of almost 50.

I'm in my fifties and I thought the same thing Darkness Falls.

You already know that is incapable of empathy and her own emotional range is extremely limited if you're going to choose to stay with her despite this, then you need to expect and prepare yourself for these moments so you're less disappointed and/or frustrated when they happen.

100% this.

Cap'n - vent away.... and... I think you know the above is accurate.

I can say that I've been living with the "expect/prepare yourself" for all the bonehead things my WH says and does for more than two years since I emotionally detached, and it is not sustainable for me. Frankly, being the empathy police is no less exhausting than being the telephone/ electronics police, the safety in my M police, or any other policing of a spouse. I guess the bottom line FOR ME is that I really don't want to be in a M with someone who is incapable of empathy or an emotional range that is limited solely to their own (albeit limited) emotions.

My IC refers to it as being:

Safe

Seen

Soothed

I don't get the impression your WW can check off on any of those boxes....

PS: Happened across a herd of Cubs fans on my way home from work today... And I thought of you and was quite respectful..... didn't even try to run any of 'em over!

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:50 PM, July 19th, 2021 (Monday)]

PS: Happened across a herd of Cubs fans on my way home from work today... And I thought of you and was quite respectful..... didn't even try to run any of 'em over!

Appreciate that, gmc. Glad I could be a somewhat positive in your world. 😁

if you're going to choose to stay with her despite this, then you need to expect and prepare yourself for these moments so you're less disappointed and/or frustrated when they happen.

I know this. I'm just tired of "chalking it up" to [thoughtlessness, carelessness, stupidity, etc.].

just stare at her quietly with a look of incredulity as if you were a 1st grade teacher who was just told that a dog ate your pupil's homework

Yep. Have done that as well. The response I usually get when that happens...[blank stare...] "What?"

Hmmmm, wait for them at the bus after the show to what exactly?

I asked that exact question at one point. What I was told is that it would have taken everything full circle because, after one of their shows (Little Texas, by the way) 30 years ago (at a high school gym in a small So. Illinois town), she and several of her friends followed the bus to the airport, yelled and screamed, watched them get on the plane and fly off. I do believe that she was just that naive about waiting for them at the bus. Naive...and thoughtless.

By acting this way, she is showing no concern for your feelings. For the foreseeable future, she needs to be very careful with what she says and consider your feelings before she opens her mouth.

That would be my hope. But it isn't much of one.

CaptainRogers...I normally look forward to reading your posts...but this one had me feeling down . Probably because I felt like your wife about the word "groupie". I pictured it being like the video of when the Beatles first landed in America...and seeing the throngs of young female fans meeting them there. I would imagine that some of these young women would have followed them from concert to concert...just to hear them sing and to be a part of this awesome phenomenon. I thought the word "groupie" meant just wanting to ENJOY the music and feeling that a particular band evokes.

I fall into that category of naive...thoughtless...or stupid that you and others have called your wife over her talking about being a groupie. Only...I am not naive...thoughtless...or stupid. What a terrible judgement to put on HER for that thought process she had .

I looked up the word "groupie". It started off with the thought I had of what a groupie was...but then it went on to say how it is now a derogatory slang word for young women who follow around a band aiming to offer sex. Most of the groupies I saw were women doing this for rock bands. As a country music fan...I can understand how I never caught on to this derogatory slang for it. Maybe your wife was the same?

I KNOW you feel there is SOMETHING there for you to continue to try and R with your wife. I am SURE she says and does things that make YOU feel GOOD about your decision to stay. Right now...I feel sad for her . From THIS thread...you berate her even for her sincere and innocent thoughts. That must be a HARD thing for her to have to deal with IF this is what you do. I HOPE it isn't always this way...although THIS thread sure worries me that it is .

W2BHA, as a kid who grew up in the hair band 80s (and I also love my country music), I knew exactly what a groupie was. And Im just a guy who grew up in the sticks, 10 miles from a town of 700 people...and my wife grew up in the same place.

The "slang" hasn't been "slang" for 40 years, as far as I know. It's only been the definition of young women following a band to have the opportunity for time in the sack.

So yes, I would say naive & thoughtless are the words that best describe those things. Especially from a woman who has already had and A and spent the better part of 4+ years trying to pretend nothing happened, it's "behind us" or "in the past" and we just "need to move forward", all the while refusing to address any of the issues an A brings to the forefront.

I am SURE she says and does things that make YOU feel GOOD about your decision to stay.

Rarely, if ever, actually. Most things she says and does are what I would call neutral. The bulk of our interactions are operational in nature. Schedule this, take kids to that, here's what is on tonight's menu.

She doesn't (and really hasn't often over the years) spoken my love languages of touch & affirming words. Even now, when I have brought things up (rather than letting them fester), she criticizes on how or when. She is still very quick to point out how I can do "better" with something before she addresses the issue that was brought up.

I rarely come on to vent. It's been 4 1/2 years. There has been little progress in that time frame. You've followed the story. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I'll let it be from here on.

If the Go-Gos start touring again, I'll be a groupie.

I think you're making too much of this one, brother.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:43 PM, July 20th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

It doesn't really matter whether she knew the meaning of the word groupie or not. What matters is that Capt wants his wife to treat him like she loves him. She doesn't.

My real point wasn't about definitions, it was about the thoughtless and careless words spoken which were followed with the request that I police them. That's the frustrating part.

Oh I just have to write this….good god how did you not tell her to grow up?? I love certain bands too but I figured out in my 20’s being a groupie is something young teenagers and 20 somethings do! The thought of someone your wife’s age being a groupie is a kin to a dirty old man.

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 1:42 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

Years ago, I went to see the band Blues Traveler. I have loved them since the early 90s and have seen them in any number of venues. This particular concert was in a really small venue (probably less than 500 people) and when we were leaving, I saw the tour bus with a small crowd around it. We decided to head over and see what we could see.

Because I did that, I got to meet John Popper and I thanked him for his music and told him how much I enjoyed the concert. He pulled me into a huge hug and kissed me on my cheek and told me thank you. He also autographed a $1 bill for me (it's the only paper I had to hand).

Yes, I know the connotation of the word "Groupie", I read the Pamela Des Barres book when I was in high school. I read about the girls keeping the sheets after sleeping with one or more of the Beatles when the British Invasion happened. I've also seen the Deadheads who still travel and follow the band...

Could you give your wife a little benefit of the doubt about this one? I think "groupie" has several definitions. There is a very good chance she may have meant one of the more innocent options.

I too think she really could have meant something innocent. I also personally don’t see anything wrong with her request that you let her know when something she says bothers you. Sure, you shouldn’t have to in this position where little things trigger you because of her infidelity, but that’s where you’re at. Shoulds, and dwelling on how unfair all of this is, only causes the bitterness to grow in my opinion.

R is hard. I get it. But you can’t expect perfection. You can’t expect her to never put her foot in her mouth. Communication is important, and looks like that’s what she is asking for.

My real point wasn't about definitions, it was about the thoughtless and careless words spoken which were followed with the request that I police them. That's the frustrating part.

That IS frustrating. I hate when my WH is thoughtless it alarms me. Thoughtlessness is what got us into this mess. I feel like his thoughtlessness is the start of a slippery slope. I can see how that triggers you. She needs to think before she speaks.

It's not policing her thoughts to say, 'What you just said alarms/scares/saddens/angers me.' If you had raised the issue right after you realized how you responded to her statement, it's possible that you would have gotten a better read on whether or not she actually knew what a groupie does.

I expect you're right in thinking your W wants you to take responsibility for keeping her on the straight and narrow, but saying how you feel and think is different from that, IMO.

The question you have to answer for yourself is how much of this you want to do. You figure that out, and my bet is you'll fined people here to support your decision.

I had to read your first post a few time to really understand what was going.

I am sorry but this

“ How are you almost 50 years old and have no idea what that word meant”.

Probably made her feel dumb. It would of made me feel dumb.

By her saying she was thoughtless maybe she was saying I should of not said something that I didn’t fully understand.

But then again I think just accepting the fact she didn’t know what the word meant but instead I think your comment probably made her feel stupid.