SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

This is the first time I have posted on this forum and could really do with some advice.

Just under 3 months ago I found out that my wife had been having an emotional and physical affair.

Im finding it really difficult to come to terms with what happened even now.

Every day I keep bringing up the affair and asking her questions such as does she miss him, does she have feelings for him and does she love him. I speak about it all the time, i text about it all the time. I just cant get it off my mind and we never have a normal conversation.

She says no to all the above but I just don't believe her.

She was only seeing him for 7 weeks (so she said) and she had slept with him once (so she said) and she had also told him she loves him. How is it possible to love after just 7 weeks. She only seem him 2 hours per night if that and not every night.

She now says that she doesn't love him, she doesn't miss him and she doesn't want to be with him. But she has told me that he made her feel good, they had fun and he made her happy. But doesn't that happen in all relationships when they are new.

How can she just cut off all her feelings just 3 months later and says that she doesn't have any feelings for him or even miss what they had.

She says she wants me, she says she loves me, but things are now different because of the situation. She said that I don't always make her happy because of this situation and what we are going through. The situation is causing her to feel this way. But she wasn't happy before or she wouldn't have done what she did.

I believe when she told me she was going to leave me, but our 18 year old daughter heard and she went nuts. Ever since then she had said we can make this work. She sent the affair partner a text saying things went to far and they shouldn't contact each other. He text back saying it didn't go too far as they both wanted it. He then tried calling her o the Monday but she didn't answer. She said they have never been in contact since. How do i believe that? They declared love and she sends one message and then its all over and he says ok don't worry.

Things are really really hard. I keep talking about it daily and she has said, we cant do this every day. She said she is tired and she is finding it really hard. She is not saying she cant do it, but its hard for her and she is finding talking about it all the time every minute of the day difficult.

I really am finding it hard myself. I cant get it off my mind. I just keep thinking that she has slept with some one else, that she had let herself fall in love with another man. I feel very trapped as I love her with all my heart, I don't want to leave and don't want to split up my family but I am finding it hard every day to get up and try and get on with my day. Its crippling me. Its eating me up from within. I feel like I have lost my wife even though she says I haven't. I have lost my life and my family. Even though we are all still here its different. It feels like even though i want to fix this or at least try until i believe she doesnt have feelings for him I cant move on.

I just feel like even though I want us more than anything I feel this is just too big and it will eat me away inside and it will split us up.

How do I get over this? Will time really make it better?

How do i stop answering the questions and reading articles online. I see that every time i keep bringing it up or I keep reading things online im not doing my self any favours. But why should i brush it under the carpet just to make my wife feel better and allow her to move on with her life.

I just dont know what to do

Any advice would be appreciated

Sorry you have to deal with this...

Save all your evidence in a safe place only you have access to.

Have your WW write out a timeline. Yes she is lying minimizing and omitting accept that as a fact.

Take her for a polygraph.

About the OM expose him to everyone in his life that matters especially his wife, do not threaten or warn anyone especially your WW, if he is her boss go to hr and get him fired.

Also read up on limerance. It’s not love, but it is a big dopamine hit that is addicted to.

Take care of you-
Get STD tested (her also)
See a lawyer to understand your rights. Knowledge is power and it will alleviate some of the stress and anxiety from unknowns.
Eat healthfully and drink a lot of water. Avoid alcohol (ask me how I know…)
Get exercise— gym, walk, whatever you do. It helps body and mind
Get sleep. if you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor
Do you have any IRL to talk to? Brother, Best friend, pastor? Or consider Individual Counseling- it can really help you with coping and understanding what you want.

You don’t have to make any decisions today. Just know that her cheating is all on her. Marriage is two people, but her cheating is 100% on her. Don’t allow her to blame you or your M for it. And remember that words are easy- watch her actions.

is she being 100% transparent with all electronics? Is she looking for a new job ASAP? She needs to be completely no-contact with the AP immediately. If the AP has a spouse, let them know right away.

Others will be by with good advice. Hang in there— you will get through this.

The good news is that over time with your WW's assistance and individual counseling the rage, hurt, and confusion will fade as you reconciliate.

The bad news is that this may be a deal-breaker for you and that you'll never get over it.

It is common at this point to constantly ask her questions and not be able to get this betrayal out of your mind. It is also common for the wayward to avoid your questions, to lie, to minimize, and to gaslight you as you seek the truth due to her shame, fear, and guilt.

There is much wisdom and experience here at SI. Take advantage of what they tell you and then choose the path you feel is right for you and your family. Know that you are not alone during this trial by fire.

Sorry for your situation. Seven weeks and she’s ready to leave you, yeah, limerance. Also she was going to leave you after sleeping with this piece of shit JUST ONCE, yeah right.

My first suggestion is to stop. Stop trying to engage her in conversation, you shouldn’t believe a word that comes out her mouth. The general rule is believe nothing out of her mouth and only half of what you see.

Instead start reading, the healing library is upper left in the yellow box, look for and read up on the 180, this will help you detach and give you some space to figure out what you want to do, reconcile or divorce.

Read some of the other threads here in JFO, the same advice applies to your situation. Cheaters it seems follow a script and their behavior is somewhat predictable. We all like to think our situation is different but when you boil it down they’re pretty much the same.

That nagging feeling of you wondering how could she end it is your gut calling BS. They (cheaters) don’t end it a lot of times, they take it further underground and continue the A. Establish no contact yourself, don’t trust a liar.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this @p12241342

A couple of questions before comments/suggestions:

What are you and your wife's age?

How long have you been married/together?

Does she work with the OM?

Is the OM married?

Some suggestions:

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Have your wife and your self tested for STD's.

Consult an attorney just to know your options.

Have you wife write a timeline of the entire affair both the EA and the PA.

Then by the way yo say you are feeling is after the timeline you need to have your wife take a polygraph test to get your fears and thoughts about her true feelings answered.

If the OM is married his spouse needs to be told of his and your wife's affair.

Also, your wife needs to get some IC first then you both need to then go to marriage counseling if after the above is completed and you decide that you want to reconcile.

Best of luck!

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 9:58 AM, August 16th (Monday)]

What are you and your wife's age?

Im 41 and she is 40. The other man is 38 and fit were her words.

How long have you been married/together?

We have been together 20 years this October

Does she work with the OM?

She doesn't work with the other man. He is my 12 year old sons, FRIENDS Dad.

Is the OM married?

He was married until about a year or so ago when his wife also had an affair and left him and took his kids.

Thanks for the answers @p12241341

I hope you consider the suggestions I and others have made for you. Best of luck!

First, you need to get to the bottom of this. It's going to require some very tough love. I'd lawyer up, tell her that the marriage is going to live or die [in part] with how she answers written questions. List them all out. A timeline.... everything. After you receive it back, I do think a poly is needed here. If she fails or if she decides to change some answers, the problem will run much deeper. She is broken and needs serious IC. As for you, this next so many months will be very difficult. You need to take care of yourself. Get exercise, eat well, sleep as best you can, find time for yourself and meet with other people.- friends and family. Do a soft 180 and try to find ways to get some happiness away from your wife. Even so this may be a deal breaker for you.

I just reread your initial post. Maybe you need a trial separation for 30-60 days. You both need to determine what you want and it may or may not to be together. You need time to clear your minds and breathe a little.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 5:02 PM, Monday, August 16th]

P12, statistically speaking this will probably result in a divorce. Those are just the numbers.

You may go along for a few more months, then pull the plug. You may full commit to the marriage but your WW doesn't do her part, and the D will come in a couple of years. She may go all-in on saving it, yet you still struggle and decide to end it. You may muddle along in a zombie marriage that is less than 50% of what a marriage should be, out of habit. Or you may create something new and worthy from the ashes.

I'm telling you this so you know the odds. It is real, it doesn't just go away, your life has changed irrevocably. The marriage has changed. Your view of your wife has changed. Those changes are irreversible to the previous "good old days".

Recommend you see a lawyer sooner than later. Knowledge is power, and power is control, and you need to take full control over your future here. Sure, commit to your wife, but cover your bets. You will learn in time what you really want, and whether she can give it to you.

Sending strength!

I keep talking about it daily and she has said, we cant do this every day. She said she is tired and she is finding it really hard. She is not saying she cant do it, but its hard for her and she is finding talking about it all the time every minute of the day difficult.

I really am finding it hard myself. I cant get it off my mind. I just keep thinking that she has slept with some one else, that she had let herself fall in love with another man. I feel very trapped as I love her with all my heart, I don't want to leave and don't want to split up my family but I am finding it hard every day to get up and try and get on with my day. Its crippling me. Its eating me up from within.

This is all completely NORMAL. This is trauma. Your brain is being asked to process a traumatic event, one where you thought one thing was true but it turned out to be something totally different. And just like in any other trauma situation, you will be immersed in the "story" of what happened. Your brain is kind of like an organic computer, and its being asked to reprocess data which turned out to be corrupt. You thought you knew this person but it turned out you didn't. So, as you get these new facts in that fill in "the story", you're going to feel the need to obsessively verify the new data. I know it's probably making you feel like you've gone crazy, but you haven't. It happens to nearly all of us. Try reading through a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He is undeniably the world's premier expert on trauma, and while his book isn't about infidelity, his recommendations can help, and frankly, it'll make you feel better to know that you are NOT going crazy.

For your wife, I would recommend that she read a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It's a short book that will help provide insight to her about how badly she's hurt you. More often than not, WS's will try to minimize and rush because they don't understand the trauma and they don't like sitting with really unpleasant emotions like guilt and embarrassment. The WS tends to think that the BS is punishing them, rubbing their nose in it, when really what's happening is the trauma response. This is a good book for you to read as well because it will help you to gauge whether or not your WW is truly remorseful for what she's done. The book has Christian overtones, but nothing which detracts from the overall messaging. She should also read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This is also a good book and does an excellent job looking at BOUNDARIES.

Understand that you are NOT required to offer Reconciliation to your WW. We don't "get over" intimate betrayal... we get through it. Sometimes, we get through it together, and sometimes, we get through it apart. The kneejerk reaction is to try and save the status quo, and during that phase, we often feel like we've never loved our WS more. But this feeling will give way to others in time. You're most likely going to experience the entire array of the Five Stages of Grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. These can come in any kind of order and over and over again until you finally reach some semblance of "acceptance" that sticks. It really does help to have a good therapist IRL to help keep you centered as you're healing, so if you're not in individual therapy, you would do well to consider it.

You're going to be okay though. It takes time, and I think it helps if you're proactive and involved in your own healing. But eventually, you'll get through it. We're all living proof.

ETA: Healing after this kind of intimate betrayal typically takes two to five YEARS. Your WW needs to understand that. If she's already balking at 90 days, she might not be a candidate for R. She's going to need to wrap her mind around the damage she's done and decide if she wants to be there. My suggestion to you is that you see an attorney and be prepared to accept nothing less than a full effort on her part. You're going to be tempted to rugsweep. But the problem with that is that your feelings will NOT resolve on a permanent basis. You'll spackle over the hurt and the doubt, but five, ten, fifteen years later, some trigger will pop up and rip the whole injury wide open again and it will feel like it does today... only you'll have invested more and more of your good years in this marriage.

Understand that cheating doesn't just happen. It's a complex series of wilful CHOICES. It's about CHARACTER and about your WW's internal relationship with her own values system. It's NOT about "unmet needs" or anything YOU related. It's about her and the fact that she's got a "but..." in her core value of fidelity. ie. "She believes in Fidelity, but... not if some guy comes along and makes her feel good about herself". You see how this works, right? A person either believe in and honors the core values they espouse or they don't. It's like being a little bit pregnant.. you either are or you aren't. She either believes in Fidelity or she doesn't. How can she build boundaries around a core value that she doesn't believe in or honor?

Right now, she doesn't share your values. She gives lip service to things like Fidelity and Honesty, but that's the extent of it. And THIS is what needs to change if you two are going to reconcile. She needs to TRULY be on the same page as you are in terms of her character. If she can't do that, you're never going to feel satisfied and safe in that relationship again. Your WW has work to do and you can't do it for her. I think it would be wise for you to plan out BOTH possible outcomes, just in case she can't bring herself to get on board in a REAL effort.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:46 PM, Monday, August 16th]

From the limited information provided, your wife seems to want to rug sweep the whole episode away. You have been given good advice so far and I would take most of it. Do not go along with the rug sweeping. She needs counseling with a therapist versed in infidelity. She wants to go on with your marriage as if nothing has happened. It sounds like she decided to stay with you because of your daughter, not because of her commitment to you. That is very bad for the prospects of your marriage lasting.

You must take care of yourself. Get yourself in the best physical shape possible. See a lawyer and access your rights if a divorce takes place. A polygraph is a must. Do not assume that the affair is over. A timeline is a must to be verified by a polygraph. You should go into counseling with a therapist also versed in infidelity. She must be the one to do the work to save the marriage. If she doesn't reach that point soon, you need support from others to help you move on.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. We have all been there. I rug swept my ex-wife's first affair. It only delayed the ultimate result of divorce.

Of course you don't feel as if you have your wife back. She already CHOSE TO put another man before you. You had no idea that she was capable of that before. I mean, you took your vows and she took hers right--and those vows are very clear about not forsaking your spouse for someone else, and you actually believed her. However, now you do not know if your vows still hold, if your WW won't stray if she wants to. She already demonstrated to you that she is capable of just that, forsaking you for another man. She flat out broke your vows already!

Add to this the sense of embarrassment, emasculation, anger, and rage you may feel because you may hate being this insecure around your WW, and you are furious with her for putting you in this situation in the first place.

And last but not least, that she isn't showing remorse. That she remembers the good time she has with AP...and is more concerned with her feelings than yours....WTF.

So, yeah, no wonder why you cannot 'get over' her affair. Your WW ('WW' stands for 'wayward/wandering wife') needs to understand that how much damage she caused with her actions, and that this will NOT be over anytime soon. She also needs to dig deeply into her 'why's, at the very least to fix what allowed her to do that so she won't hurt you like this ever again. That he made her feel good is not a why. ChamomileTea's book suggestion is a very solid one.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:46 PM, Monday, August 16th]

she has said, we cant do this every day. She said she is tired and she is finding it really hard. She is not saying she cant do it, but its hard for her and she is finding talking about it all the time every minute of the day difficult.

So to recap your wife lied and cheated and she EXPECTS YOU as the betrayed spouse (BS) not to need to talk about it? Wow is she ever a self entitled jerk (excuse my name calling this is just so typical of cheaters).

Replace your finding out about the affair with finding out your wife has a disease. It’s a punch to the gut. It’s traumatic. It’s hard to deal with. But as a couple you go through the trauma together. You talk about it. You start learning to accept it happened.

Same goes for an affair.

I am sorry you are struggling but it is fairly soon (90 days) since you found out. You need time to recover from the fact you were blindsided snd betrayed . That takes time. The first 90 days after Dday I was a wreck - walking around in a daze. So your reaction is "normal".

You are looking for answers from her. She needs to provide ANY and ALL assurances that she is All in - 💯% for full reconciliation. Otherwise your reconciliation will be you doubting her commitment to you and the marriage.

You can have better more productive conversations about her affair by asking her to discuss things with you calmly and not emotionally. She needs to know the importance of getting all the details with complete honesty.

The questions sill subside. But you can only move forward if she is willing to be transparent and support your need for information.

Are you seeing a counselor just for you? That could also help you. It helped me tremendously.

Keep posting g here. We want to provide isome support for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:37 PM, Monday, August 16th]

He was married until about a year or so ago when his wife also had an affair and left him and took his kids.

This is even worse. The OM is D b/c his. w cheated and he turns around and does this? Oh hell no!!!!

That is a really crappy thing to do but to do it knowing how it would destroy a marriage is even worse. Too bad you cannot sue him for being the OM. Or damage his reputation somehow.

She doesn't work with the other man. He is my 12 year old sons, FRIENDS Dad.

As painful and unfair it is to your son, his friendship with his friend must end. As long as they are friends, it’s OM will be a presence in your life. At 12 he is old enough to understand that his mother had an inappropriate relationship with his friends father. As far as keeping it from him, chances are he knows anyway with probably more details from your pissed off 18 year old. It really does suck, but affairs have consequences and sometimes collateral damage.

As the OM is also probably in close proximity, I woukd find out where the affairs took place. It’s a whole new set of challenges if they were screwing in your home or bed. I would also keep her on a short leash if you want to R.

These affairs are commonly the ones to go underground.

You're going to be tempted to rugsweep. But the problem with that is that your feelings will NOT resolve on a permanent basis. You'll spackle over the hurt and the doubt, but five, ten, fifteen years later, some trigger will pop up and rip the whole injury wide open again and it will feel like it does today... only you'll have invested more and more of your good years in this marriage.

This 1000%. Exactly what happened to me and many others on here.

Let’s be clear on some things here.

"Love" had absolutely nothing to do with what your wife was doing with this worthless POS.

She knows what she was doing was despicable, extremely hurtful, and fundamentally wrong, but by calling it "love" she gives herself the illusion of an excuse and legitimacy.

It’s all the typical mental acrobatics that adulterers do to mentally justify the knowing betrayal of trust.

What she has done has nothing to do with you or your marriage - nothing , zilch, zed, nada.

There is no problem, issue, thing, or "rough-patch" in a marriage that renders an adult married mother incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong.

But she has told me that he made her feel good, they had fun and he made her happy.

This the clarion call of the Low Self-Esteemed - incapable of self-validation and firmly believing that it is someone else’s responsibility to make them whole, or make them feel of any value, to make them "happy".

It is not, and never was, your responsibility to "make her happy". Period

Your happiness is your responsibility to fulfill and no one else’s.

If someone else holds you responsible for making them happy then when they feel "bad", who do you think they are going to hold responsible for that - YOU.

Stop asking if she still misses him or loves him or any of that shit for the more you do the more you make him legitimate in her selfish and delusional mind.

Her feeble, needy, validation-seeking mind would love nothing more than having not one, but TWO guys vying for her as some kind of prize.

Ask YOURSELF if you will ultimately be able to live with this.

Right now, she should be answering ANY AND ALL questions you have to whatever level of detail you need and be willing to move mountains to try to repair the immense damage her betrayal has caused to you and most of all, your daughter.

From what you have described, it seems like she wants to take the path of reluctance to answer, sweep it all under the rug, and for you to just get over it.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that any attempt to reconcile with one with this attitude is pointless and futile.

The terms here should be ONLY about what you want and what you can actually and authentically live with.

This is NOT about what SHE wants - you will not be able to fix her.

Fixing her is completely up to her and it appears she is not interested in that but rather just rugsweeping it and pretending everything will be ok.

7 weeks is a long time. That’s nearly 1,200 hours of lies and duplicity and gaslighting. Nearly 1,200 hours in which she deliberately longed and lusted for another man while looking right into your eyes. Kissed you after doing things with him. Schemed for how she could be penetrated by him.

Likely it went on longer than that. Likely they had sex more than once. Cheaters always lie and minimize. It only takes cheaters hours to fall into bed in a one night stand.

Ask yourself what you will be getting with this new person you now see in front of you if you take her back. It’s not a pretty picture. Ask yourself if it’s worth it. Because the pain and trauma will be with you every day and she will be the main trigger. That means she will need to pull off some superheroic efforts to make it worth your while. Can she? Will she?

Sorry you're in this nightmare but glad you found SI.

As others have said, your wife isn't remorseful, she just wants you to shut up, quit asking questions, and let's just put all of this behind us.

Not just no but HELL NO!!

Listen, all of the questions that swirling around in your head are normal and right on the mark.

We certainly understand (and can appreciate) wanting to reconcile, but until you get the truth from your wife (not just some of the questions you have but ALL of them) that tug of war going on in your brain is just going to get worse over time.

I'm sure you can understand the logic of how can you forgive something (or someone) when you don't really know what you're exactly forgiving. Right?

Think about this. Your wife says "you weren't making her happy"?

So how did she deal with that?
By having a physical/emotional affair with another man?

Now she's not "happy" that her husband won't just shut the hell up and quit talking about HER affair and asking questions again about HER affair?

She's NOT your mommy and she does NOT get to put you in time out nor does she get to dictate how you want to react to this clusterfuck that SHE created.

Moving forward, your wife is sad or depressed, how's she going to deal with that? Have an affair?

She's angry? Have an affair?
She's anxious? Have an affair?

Your wife isn't just lying but she's a LIAR. Understand the difference? Someone can tell a lie but that doesn't necessarily make them a liar.

However when they continually lie to you, even after being busted, thus is about character (who and what they are) and unfortunately your wife is a liar and nothing she says should be believed.

Reconciliation is EXTREMELY hard to accomplish. Not saying it can be done, however it takes a LONG time and in order for it to even be considered as an option from the betrayed spouse (BS) both parties have to be all in.

Even if both parties say they're all in at that point nothing is guaranteed....it's just an attempt.

The lying cheating spouse has to get to the point that it's about remorse and NOT regret. Remorse is about the person you hurt and EVERYTHING moving forward is about helping the betrayed spouse heal and to show (over time) that you could eventually be a safe partner.

Your wife STABBED you in the heart, and you're laying there bleeding, and now what is she going to do about it? Tell you to shut up and lay there and quit asking for help as you slowly bleed out?

Your marriage is DEAD!!
Your wife KILLED it!!

Where do you go from here?

At the very least she should be willing to talk about it and answer your questions night and day 24/7 seven days a week if that's what you need right now.

If she's not willing to do this (and it sounds like she's not) you have nothing to work with.

Your wife BLEW up her marriage and her family because you weren't making her "happy".

Your wife sounds like a four year old.

I say this all the time here on SI. You want your wife to be honest with you, correct?

What's even more important is you being honest with yourself.

You can't change what you're afraid to confront.

The last you would want is to be dealing with this 5, 10, 15, 20 yrs from now, because you were too AFRAID to confront this head on.

Trust, respect, truth and honesty are the foundation of any relationship. Your wife has shown you flat out that you're not going to get this from her and now the question you need to ask yourself is how much do you truly VALUE these attributes and more importantly how much do you VALUE yourself??

Would you even consider marrying your wife way back if you knew she couldn't give you any of this (trust, respect, truth and honesty) and how about throwing in loyalty as well.

Would you think so little of yourself to marry someone that couldn't give you any of this?

Your wife is going to continue to lie to you.

Is this a deal breaker in your mind? Not just the affair but her still lying to you?

Please do NOT tell your wife about SI. This needs to be your safe place.

You need to do what you feel in your heart you need to do. If it were me, I would tell your wife she needs to write out a time-line detailing how this started, where they met, what they did, the lies she told, who else knew about it, and anything else she can think of.

Then I would schedule a polygraph and make sure you actually follow through having her take it even if she starts trickle truthing and confesses things in the parking lot.

Refusal to take poly means divorce.

The poly will confirm details in the time-line.

Go see an attorney to see what a divorce would look like.

Have you told her parents and family? Your parents and family?

I know you just want this all to go away and again so sorry you're in this nightmare.

One way or another you'll get through this. Have the courage to confront this, a list of things you need from her to even consider offering her the gift of reconciliation (and that's what it is...a GIFT).

Is she showing you she's worthy of the gift or is she going to continue to show you that it's ALL ABOUT HER???

She stabbed you in the back.
You're bleeding out.
What is she going to do?
Run off?
Stab you again?
Tell you to quit screaming?

Choose wisely.