SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, they are all externals. He is in IC, and is reading a few suggested books from SI, he is communicating with me about both of those things. He has taken 100% of the blame for the affair, and is loving and comforting to me when I am triggered or sad. He tells me where he is at all times (verified with find my iphone), I have access to his phone whenever I want, he is off of social media completely, and has given me passwords to all email accounts. I can truly tell that he is trying his best, and that this is what he truly wants. I am just stuck in the PTSD of everything, and am terrified that in a drunken stupor, he might make a decision that he wouldn't make if he were sober.

It's reassuring that he is taking steps to become a safe partner, but at 2 months out asking you to white-knuckle this event, when you admit you are terrified, is not in line with that. It's still very much wayward behavior.

This is not your fault.

Have you considered your own IC? Additional support might be helpful.

Best!

You are having a really hard time. The idea of him going away for the weekend scares you because you will not be able to see him and reassure yourself that he is being faithful. You are hoping that the person he is showing you right now is the real person that he is. You want to trust that he will do the right thing even when you are not watching. Unfortunately he broke all the trust you had in him and he hasn’t earned it back yet.

Sadly, the way to learn to trust him again is to observe him being trustworthy. It takes a huge amount of time to earn that back. Part of that involves "letting" him go and seeing what happens. It is extremely scary and hard to do. It’s much easier to say "no, you can’t go."

Your question:

Is there anything that I am missing…do any of you have suggestions of things he could possibly do to give more reassurance that everything is ok?

You could ask him to check in with you. Video message periodically through the day, (ideally with him saying "I know this is really hard for you and I want to reassure you that I am thinking about you and miss you"..). Ask him to send pics of himself and the people around him. You could ask for the itinerary for the weekend. You could request that he doesn’t drink excessively.

Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you will need extra reassurance. Tell him this is an opportunity for him to build trust with you by being trustworthy.

I would also suggest for him to plan something special for you afterwards. To reiterate that you are his priority.

You can take the time he is away to do something special for yourself.

I don't necessarily agree with telling him you are uncomfortable and see what he does. It will depend so much on your individual relationship. Ideally your husband would say "then I won't go". If he doesn't say that, I would say "I do not want you to go" and then let him decide. Sort of the same idea, he is a grown man and can decide on his own, but I really believe in saying what you want.

edit: Oh I had missed your update! I would tell him you don't want him to go. IMO you are too fresh for you to be giving him some room and see what he does. My 2 cents.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 3:54 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

The very first thing he offered was for him to not go at all, and the alternative to that was for us to switch phones and he checks in hourly, and does not get drunk. I appreciate that he is willing to not go and that he would be willing to switch phones, check in and not drink.

This is a TERRIFIC idea. I love love love this.

Sadly, the way to learn to trust him again is to observe him being trustworthy. It takes a huge amount of time to earn that back. Part of that involves "letting" him go and seeing what happens. It is extremely scary and hard to do. It’s much easier to say "no, you can’t go."

Bingo.

at the same time, I don't want to disappoint so many people

Were any of those people at your wedding? If so, at many weddings (most?) the participants also pledge to build and strengthen the marriage they are witnessing. This is their chance to do so, for the two of you.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 4:06 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

Too soon.

My wife doing something I told her I'd rather she not do is what ultimately led to me asking for a divorce after nearly a year in limbo.

Does anyone at the party beside his father know if his affair?

If you do feel you want to let him go I agree with switching phones. And checking in hourly. Perhaps suggest he set up hourly alarms to remind him as time might move fast when he’s with the guys.

Can you set up another phone like yours so you can see any messaging on it as well while he has yours?

When you talked to him was he compassionate about the feelings uou were having or was he annoyed?

Honestly if he fucks up there you’ll know he’s never going to be safe for you. And he does need to prove to you he can have strong boundaries.

One boundary should be not to talk badly of you for him having to check in. This is his fault. And not yours one bit.

I would have loved for you if he had said "I’m not going" on his own. But since he didn’t I feel you need to let him live or die by his own decisions.

I just hope if you find out he strayed in any way that your strong enough to take real action.

Can you set up another phone like yours so you can see any messaging on it as well while he has yours?

He's not going to use her phone. He'd just get another burner. Which, come to think of it, if he was still messing around, that's what he'd be using. No way would he give her his phone if there was a possibility of OW contacting him there.

Still, it's an exercise in trust. Can't control him.

How would AP even know where he is and that it is an opportunity to contact him? Or do you just fear a random reach-out by the AP?
If you switched phones that option would be gone - assuming his fidelity. This can be an opportunity for him to demonstrate his care for you - by either staying or going, depending on what you two determine is best. Trust can be demonstrated and built on either path if done for the right reasons. But that is for you guys to determine.

How would AP even know where he is and that it is an opportunity to contact him? Or do you just fear a random reach-out by the AP?

From what I understand the AP is a bunny boiler constantly stalking him, and they are considering legal action for cease and desist. The OP has a legitimate fear that the OW would try to intercept him at the bachelor party.

Stevesn - His dad is the only one who will be there that knows. I called him and told him everything the night that everything blew up...WH was drunk and I told his dad to come get him because he was out of control.

I think that switching phones might be the way to go. Since we have iphones, I can set up my phone before he leaves to "copy" all the messages to the ipad.

He was irritated at first when I brought up the bachelor party, but I truly think that was because I was so upset and he was overwhelmed. I told him to think about it for a minute and then we would talk. When we came back to the conversation, he offered the two options that he gave. I think he needed a minute to calm down and put himself in my shoes. The 2nd conversation he was very caring and thoughtful (which is way more like him these days)

I will absolutely bring up that I don't want him to badmouth me because he has to check in. If someone asks, I think he should find an appropriate response to give them without making me look bad.

13YearsR - The only thing that makes me feel confident that he doesn't have another burner phone, is that a common theme in the messages that AP sends him is that she wants her phone back. She bought it for him, and he ghosted her. Now that we responded to her that the phone is in the trash, I'm hoping she disappears...hopefully she got some kind of closure out of that...hopefully!

CuriousObserver - Fareast is right, she is a bunny boiler. She would have no clue about where he is or what he is doing, she just reaches out randomly. She downloads texting apps and gets new phone numbers all the time, so there is no good way to block her. We are getting our numbers changed, and have consulted a lawyer to draft a Cease and Desist to send to her. She really is crazy. She has harassed us from day 1 of NC, she hacked his FB, constant emails to WH, texts to both WH & myself. It has been quite the sh*tshow TBH.

It's too soon. And HE should realize that.

Three ddays, one being quite recently, AND a burner phone.

No way would I be ok with it. Trading phones with you means nothing. Just as giving your BS passwords. If they know you can see what they're doing, they will simply find another avenue to communicate. He can very easily use someone else's phone.

This OW may not be a problem anymore,aside from the harassment. There are many OW in the world. At this point, who is to say there isn't another woman he could call.

13YearsR - The only thing that makes me feel confident that he doesn't have another burner phone, is that a common theme in the messages that AP sends him is that she wants her phone back. She bought it for him, and he ghosted her. Now that we responded to her that the phone is in the trash, I'm hoping she disappears...hopefully she got some kind of closure out of that...hopefully!

Okay, good. That makes me feel better too.

Agree with Hellfire. It is too soon.

OP keep in mind that you can get iMessages on the iPad but text messages - no.

I think BSes should have access and passwords but it is mostly symbolic. If they know you can see what they are doing, they will do it another way.

Other people knowing doesn't mean anything. His dad knowing doesn't mean anything.

I think if your husband were being 100% perfect - it is still too soon. I think skipping this and holding you close this weekend would be awesome. This forum is for all different opinions and I realize people won't agree with what I am saying. But I just fully feel this is too soon and in my opinion your husband is being selfish. You have voiced concerns. That alone should be it. You shouldn't be trying to figure out how he can make you less uncomfortable. You are uncomfortable so he should be missing it. Period.

It is still early days, you can practice this kind of stuff later. It is still so new and this is really so incredibly unfair to you at this point.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 4:05 PM, Thursday, August 19th]

Edited because I misunderstood.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 5:02 PM, Thursday, August 19th]

I will absolutely bring up that I don't want him to badmouth me because he has to check in.

How about he just throws himself under the bus? "OOOOOOHHHHHH YOU HAVE TO CHECK IN *whip noise*"

"I don't have to do anything. I do it because I love my wife and like to talk to her about how my night is going since she knows she is missing out on the fun. Sorry if you feel like talking to your wife is a chore."

How’s it going? Is the party tonight?

It’s going terribly actually. He isn’t checking in as much as he promised (let 3+ hours go by yesterday with no contact) and today is the same. He also left where he said he was going to be without saying anything to me. He said that his dad ran into an old friend and they went over to their lake property to hang out.

I am livid. The first time I extend trust, he absolutely blows it! Switching phones means absolutely nothing when he is blatantly not doing the things he promised. He is currently drunk as hell and pissed off that I looked at find my iPhone because I was “checking up” on him.

I don’t know what the hell the consequence of crossing my boundaries should be, but I know I’m ready to lose my shit!

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 7:40 AM, Sunday, August 22nd]

I am so sorry for you. I completely understand your pain and anger and frustration.

Unfortunately this was a great test for him. And you. You now know his actions do not match his words.

And that my friend is a huge red flag (IMO).

You have learned he had no intention of following through on anything he promised.

You see his drinking and party lifestyle is a priority for him.

He doesn’t get it when it comes to remorse and making amends b/c he just blew it.

Please read up on the 180. You now need to start making some very difficult choices. You need to get your power back in your marriage or this pattern of behavior (from him) will continue.

You need to be prepared for the next time he wants to go out without you. Maybe a bar or event or work related event. What is going to happen when you say "no" and he doesn’t want to accept your "no" as an answer?

Well that depends on you. He will expect you to cave and give in. And when you don’t or won’t there will be hell to pay. Hell for you because you will now need to stand your ground. Not back down. Not give in.

This will be a game changer for your marriage and for you. I was in your shoes. My H was invited to a wedding in the city when I had made plans for a surprise 50th birthday party. He spent 3 hours harassing me to go to this wedding. I refused to back down. For the first time I would not negotiate or give in — b/c my H had a habit of being late. Chronically late. Hours late.

He didn’t want to take no for an answer. But I wasn’t yielding. That was the start of a huge shift in our marriage. For 25 years I was a doormat.

Not any more. He learned during Reconciliation if I say "no" I mean it and there is no changing my mind. I undid 25 years of his self centered behavior by standing up to him and refusing to back down.

You need to have a plan for what will happen when he returns home. And your plan should include the 180. Not because he was away cheating this weekend - but because he lied to you and showed you his true colors.

He decided NOT to put you or your marriage first. And for that he showed you his true colors.

My experience showed me that people will take advantage of you if you let them. Even your spouse.

Learn from me — and my mistakes.

You need an exit plan - b/c you don’t know where your marriage is headed at this point. If he continues to be selfish and continues to disregard you — I doubt that your marriage will last. You will get tired of it.

You need to get your support team together. Friends & family and maybe an attorney and a counselor for you. Just you. He needs counseling too but I don’t know if he’s interested.

You need to have some attorneys you can call for a consultation. Just to know where you stand. And what a D would look like if it comes to that.

You need to be ready to tell him to leave (if it comes to that).

You need to stop being his wife. You need to make you & kids the priority. Not him. I did the hard 180 on my H. It’s been 8 years and I still don’t do his laundry. And he will never complain b/c he understands the disrespect he showed me during our marriage. And he is still trying to make amends 8 years later.

Because I finally stood up to him and out my foot down. If he wanted to R then many things had to change. Or I would D him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:08 AM, Sunday, August 22nd]