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The 180 is not to be used to get him to stop cheating.

The 180 is let him know you will my tolerate his crap — lying, cheating, excessive drinking, (whatever is going on) any longer.

My 180 consisted of the following (I was planning to D him so understand I no longer cared about him or his feelings):

I only spoke to him in front of kids.

I only ate meals with him if kids were home. If not I didn’t cook him dinner or ask him about his dinner. He was on his own.

I stopped doing his laundry.

I did no errands or favors for him. None.

I didn’t ask him anything - I just told him what I needed to tell him. Like - you need to move out. He refused. I made a phone call and he was leaving in a few days. After that he was on his own. And I wasn’t helping him. At all.

Hr suddenly realized he could not talk his way out of anything.

We have reconciled. We are happy. It’s a very different marriage. And he apologizes for the way he treated me in the past. He learned a very hard lesson and it almost cost him his marriage and family.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:18 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

FTG I am so sorry!!!! How cruel and selfish of him. I am sending you a big virtual hug and praying for you. I am sure you are suffering. It isn’t fair.

I believe his behavior indicates he is unremorseful. And that what you have been seeimg,until this trip,has been compliance,which isn't the same at all. His mask has slipped.

If it were me,I'd file. I would start making plans for a life without him. If he pulls his head out of his ass, and REALLY starts doing the work, then you can always reconsider. If not, you are closer to being rid of your unremorseful WS.

I would have loved for you if he had said "I’m not going" on his own. But since he didn’t I feel you need to let him live or die by his own decisions.

Stevesn wrote this on 8/18. And here you are (sadly). But that post is very accurate and points you towards your next steps.

Your CH (cheating husband) made all types of promises and it does not appear that he kept them. No check ins. Moving locations without informing you. Excessive drinking. And all the rest.

You now need to decide if his drinking is tied up with his other issues of cheating, disrespect, selfishness etc.

I would make the suggestion that you want to attend his next IC session so you can speak to his counselor and let him know the real story — especially this most recent betrayal wherein he did not keep to his word at all.

Because THAT is the issue - his disrespect and not keeping his promise to you. It’s like he lied and cheated all over again.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:08 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

You are no longer in reconciliation unfortunately.

This last set of issues wherein he did not honor his word has basically put your marriage in limbo.

You now have to decide if you want t to be the marriage Police and continue to monitor his actions for the rest of your life or if you want to his wife and HE makes the necessary changes.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:12 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

You said your son "knows way too much". Would it be possible for you and he go stay with family or friends for a couple of days so you are not home when your cheating husband returns?

I don’t know if you are ready to go to such an extent, but while you are away, call and talk to a couple of lawyers. Just get the lay of the land for what a D might look like.

Assuming your husband calls you when he gets home and finds uou gone, I would ask him to leave for a week or two as a start. He’ll probably refuse, and I’d respond "that tells me all I need to know".

It’s your call if you want to have D papers served. You may feel that goes too far. To me, it’s a final wake up call. He is obviously never going to be a fully safe spouse for you. Are you prepared to live that way for the next 5, 10, 20, 30 years?

If he asks what he can do to make up for this, tell him that you are done suggesting what he needs to do. Tell him he needs to figure it out for himself. Just that you are done being last priority.

I wouldn’t suggest you say this, but if I was looking for true remorse and understanding from my WH, and I’d be watching him for that, a major move would be for him to tell his cousin he needs to focus on his own marriage and family and back out of standing up and going to the wedding.

He would tell the cousin, "I’m sorry, but I am no example of someone you want in your wedding party. I’ve made awful mistakes in my marriage and I want to focus now on what I have damaged in my own family. I’m sorry but I am not someone that you should want involved in your special day "

But he’d have to do that all on his own without suggestion from you. I know it’s unlikely, but that’s the type of thinking from a truly remorseful wayward spouse.

And if you are not getting that, you should seriously consider moving on from him as he’s only going to continue disappointing you time and time again.

I’m sorry for how painful this is.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:25 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

Sorry that happened.

I'll repeat my earlier question/statement:

Are you in IC?

Additional support might be very helpful.

You asked for so little here.

He is training you. He is showing you that if you ask anything of him it will hurt and is painful. So you will just leave him alone in these scenarios.

It doesn’t matter that you are upset. It doesn’t matter what he promised.

I am just sick for you. You made such a big leap of faith here even though you felt unsure about it. He just totally obliterated your boundaries. Please take care of yourself today. I am sure you are experiencing so much pain and anxiety. You do not deserve this. You deserve to feel safe.

He is training you. He is showing you that if you ask anything of him it will hurt and is painful. So you will just leave him alone in these scenarios.

I have to agree. Your H will push back to try to get you to back off. Typical cheater move BTW.

My experience is one I hope you can learn from. My H had a 4 year EA. I knew it from day one. I warned him about this "friend". But he loved the ego boost. It escalated to lying and stonewalling me. For years.

It finally ended. Never mentioned again. Swept under the rug.

Mistake #1.

Now 15 years later it’s Affair #2. This time he wants a D. It’s brutal. I believe we are reconciled or reconciling meanwhile he is still cheating (unbeknownst to me).

Now we arrive at dday2. Spare you the details but summarize it like this: I learned he was still cheating and planning to D me to be with the OW. However I finally put a stop to his shenanigans. I told him that I was Divorcing him. And he was free to go and be with the OW or anyone else he chose.

And I left the room. It wasn’t a discussion it was a statement of fact.

Then I told him a few days later to get out!!! He’s begging to Reconcile but I refused. He knew he pushed me too far and immediately started to show remorse. He started making changes - that are still in place to this day. He did it in his own.

I didn’t help him. I didn’t support him. Hell I barely spoke to him. But he managed to turn it around.

And……he no longer has all the power or control in this relationship. I now have much more say about things. And if I say no then he knows not to argue b/c I never back down. Not on anything if I feel strongly on something.

And it’s b/c he saw a side of me he never expected to see. He now knows I am not a doormat. I don’t tolerate any more nonsense or lies.

I hope this helps you understand how to deal with a cheater. You have been fair, forgiving, kind and understanding. But after this last weekend you hopefully see your H has some serious problems.

Drinking is one.

Not being true to his word is another.

Not putting your feelings first (he should have declined the guys weekend on his own out of common sense and decency to you).

And he is selfish - which is why he attended. He was not going to miss out on a guys weekend. He wasn’t considering you at all. He told you what you wanted to hear to get out of the doghouse so to speak.

He’s manipulative.

And he’s hoping to control you so he can continue his pattern of behavior where he gets what HE wants. And you don’t ask any questions.

He is immature too. He doesn’t understand how his cheating has damaged you and your marriage.

You are at the crossroads here. You need to be strong and not allow him to continue to bullshit you. You need to look at things objectively.

I too made tons of excuses for my cheating H. "He’s trying" was one. If he treated me great I justified it like "he does want to be married to me" instead of seeing it for the self serving manipulative behavior it was.

If he treated me poorly I thought "he’s worn out from the emotional strain" instead of saying he’s being a grade A jerk and standing up for myself.

My H expected me to be a doormat. And not make waves. Not ask him anything. Not try to get answers about his future plans. I was living in limbo and hell but kept thinking "this is reconciliation and he’s trying". He was only trying to manipulate me.

Please learn from me. Don’t make the sane mistakes. Sending you strength snd hugs. Private message me if you need to.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:43 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

consequence

Therapeutic separation or divorce.

This weekend thing with drinking buddies just doesn't work.
From what you posted about this whole drunk fest it doesn't seem like A stuff to me at all.
It seems like drunk stuff. Your WH starts drinking and he just loses control, especially when he's with drinking buddies.
They almost reassure each other. He turns into one of those: "I don't give a shit"...

It might very well be that drinking is one of his fundamental character flaws and he's not good under the influence.
I'm not blaming booze, I am blaming him. Booze or no, he's responsible for what he does.
If he does foolish things under the influence, he already knows that from the past and should cut the booze out.

This whole thing sounded like an immature guy who is still in frat drunken buddy mode. If he's over 35, this is utterly pathetic and he has a drinking problem that'll get worse. If it's late twenties, it's time for him to grow up.

I got into a bad spell with booze that kept getting worse. Facing up to it, I got out of it 7 months ago. No more.

Get the leash out, get the dog house ready and let him know when he walks in that you're boss and his name is shit. If he has ANY sense at all, he'll come back with his tail tucked between his legs, for he has been a bad dog. Time for the dog house, gruel and extra chores you've been meaning to get done. Now you he can do those. Good Luck. JMO.

Sorry for going MIA yesterday...it was a long day. He text me when he was on his way home and I kept my responses extremely short and to the point. He tried prying and asking me "you seem upset, what's wrong" I just let it go. I didn't feel like talking to him, not through text anyway.

When he got home, I made no fanfare like I usually would. No "OMG I'm so happy you're home, I missed you" I didn't even leave the bedroom. He came in and spent some time with our daughter (avoiding me) and then she had a soccer game, so there wasn't a lot of talking to be done. He tried holding my hand at the soccer game, and I just brushed it off like I didn't see it.

When we got home I went back to the bedroom and just laid in bed. He came back there and immediately went into how much he loves me and he is never giving up on us and I just looked at him and said "If you truly loved me and wanted this to work, you would be doing the things you say you're going to do, making me a priority, and basically breaking your neck to prove that you can be a safe husband. But you are doing none of those things and I am at the end of my rope."

He got angry at first...asking me why I even looked at find my iphone, and telling me that none of the other guys were talking to their wives as much as he had to. I just calmly said to him "While you were taking polls of how many times the other men talked to their wives, did you bother to ask if any of them had also cheated on their wives?" He got really quiet after that. He agreed that he drank to much and didn't live up to his end of the deal, he is showing remorse (or what appears to be remorse) he said that he is not going out of town again without me, and that he isn't going to drink like that anymore, but talk is cheap, and I don't believe a word he is saying.

It really does boil down to his drinking and poor decision making skills. he needs to grow up and start acting like a husband, but it isn't my job to "police" that. I don't want to be the nagging wife all the time. I want him to make the decision to do these things on his own. I know I have decisions to make in this, but I am honestly exhausted! It has been 8 months of pure torture, and every time it feels like things are getting better, something else happens.

I am not going to be mean to him, but I am done with the role of "loving, giving wife" for right now. I am going to focus on me and my daughter, and give him some time to figure this stuff out, and give myself some time to figure this stuff out. I have an appt with my IC this week, hopefully that helps clear my mind and gain some perspective.

Thank you all for your sweet messages, your advice has been absolutely amazing, and I appreciate it so much!

You rock!!!

You are doing the right thing. You are focusing on you and your kid. Best move ever.

Now sit back and see what his actions are. Because that is the real truth. His words don’t mean anything but his actions and choices will tell you everything.

Glad to see you standing up for yourself. It wil be a game changer for him when he cannot sweet talk his way out of this.

And good for you for recognizing his drinking is a big issue.

I am not going to be mean to him, but I am done with the role of "loving, giving wife" for right now. I am going to focus on me and my daughter, and give him some time to figure this stuff out, and give myself some time to figure this stuff out. I have an appt with my IC this week, hopefully that helps clear my mind and gain some perspective.

Good plan.

I'm sorry that he blew it. I had such high hopes, and I know that you did too.

He got angry at first...asking me why I even looked at find my iphone, and telling me that none of the other guys were talking to their wives as much as he had to. I just calmly said to him "While you were taking polls of how many times the other men talked to their wives, did you bother to ask if any of them had also cheated on their wives?" He got really quiet after that.

This is so relatable and SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I am separated from my WS and just now starting to really talk to him again (which may be a horrible mistake!) and he admits he has a hard time with that and thinks that is why he got defensive while we were in R. He said he wrote in a notebook he has for work "I cheated on stubbornft" and he said he says it to himself out loud at least once per day now. He has a hard time wrapping his brain around the fact that he is a cheater. It is INSANE lol. I am sorry. I know how frustrating and exhausting this all is. You sound strong. Stay strong. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and I hope you will keep taking care of yourself and making good plans for yourself - taking into account all the possible outcomes.

HUGS lady. You deserve safety and respect. Stay strong.

He got really quiet after that. He agreed that he drank to much and didn't live up to his end of the deal, he is showing remorse (or what appears to be remorse) he said that he is not going out of town again without me, and that he isn't going to drink like that anymore, but talk is cheap, and I don't believe a word he is saying.

How convenient for him to make this promise after he already went away and enjoyed himself at the bachelor party. He's pretending that he didn't know in advance how upset you were and how much you were struggling with his decision to go before he left.

I have an appt with my IC this week, hopefully that helps clear my mind and gain some perspective.

Awesome. When I would become overwhelmed and exhausted my IC helped me with all of the above plus the daily, strategic planning. Couldn't have done it without her/them.

Well done!

No feedback, no change.

180 is great for you. I highly recommend it. Just don't expect him to change.

If anything he is going to be relieved. His thoughts right now: "Well she's mad but at least she shut the fuck up about it. She'll get over it."

If anything he is going to be relieved. His thoughts right now: "Well she's mad but at least she shut the fuck up about it. She'll get over it."

I think that might be true for some people, but sudden detachment can be very disconcerting for others. Especially when the detached person is usually very attentive.

He came into the bedroom trying to kiss your butt and sweet talk his way out of this. He knew fully what this meant to you and thought he could manipulate you again. The only response he deserves now to everything is, "Your words sound nice, but you have shown me who you are." And when you say it, let him look into the eyes of a lion who is deciding what limb to eat first. Hannibal Lector - like. He should shat himself when he sees the change in you. Giving him that realization should be job #1 for you. I think that is what The1stWife is describing. I have heard it said that there is a difference when a person thinks they are dying and when they KNOW they are dying. Let it be that kind of knowing.
All the best to you.